Always confused:

[Zaliel]

Hi,

I am new on the forums, but I finally decided that it was time to find out who I really am. I have crossdressed many times, I am 20 years old, but it is different than simply sexual gratification. Especially when I first started, I would feel these urges to crossdress even when I knew normally I wouldn't want to, but now even when those urges go away, I still want to dress like a women. More recently I will look into the mirror and I think I look hideous which is because I am a man. I don't think I was born in the wrong body although. I am not really sure who I am or what I want to be. Does anyone have any advice or help for me? I would really appreciate anything help or feedback because I am so confused and lost, and I am at the point where I cannot handle it anymore.

Thanks,

M

[Alice Torn]

One day at a time. The serenity prayer help. Accepting the things we cannot change, as tough as it is. I can sure relate, and i am 58, still single, still wrestle with what you are saying at times, yet. But, it would be helpful, to stay on the forum here, and learn from others, or have a place to share.

[Kathi Lake]

M,

Take a breath. This is new. We've been where you are now. I can tell you (cue inspiring music) it gets better.

Your first task? To learn to accept yourself and what you are doing. To learn to accept that person in the mirror. To understand that what the world says about you is due to misinformation and fear - and is also wrong.

Tell us more about your last sentence. What do you mean that you cannot handle it anymore?

Kathi

[Zaliel]

I can't just deny how I feel anymore. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend, but honestly I feel like if I told her that I want to wear clothes like she does that she would not accept me for who I am. It's an impossible task, to risk losing her or to risk growing old and being unhappy. Thank you for your replies so far, I am relieved that I am not alone.

M

[Kathi Lake]

No, and as others here will tell you, telling others may cause some rejection, but not always. Which is better? Lying to her, or finding one who accepts you for you?

As for growing old and being unhappy, I'm old, but am relatively happy.



Kathi

[Danika140]

I can't just deny how I feel anymore. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend, but honestly I feel like if I told her that I want to wear clothes like she does that she would not accept me for who I am. It's an impossible task, to risk losing her or to risk growing old and being unhappy. Thank you for your replies so far, I am relieved that I am not alone.

M

This is EXACTLY how I felt for years and years and in every relationship. I can't tell you what or who to choose but IMHO, it is not healthy to rely on another person for your happiness. I don't know your entire situation but I can tell you from experience that not being able to express your true self will eat at you from the inside which will affect your relationship in the long run. My advice is to be true to yourself first then worry about someone else because only you are responsible for your happiness. It won't be easy, hell, it's going to be hard at times but taking the tougher route is safer than being indecisive and letting this tear you apart.

You are definitely not alone and there is so much knowledge, experience and wisdom on these boards from those of us who have battled down in the trenches where you're at now. Once you learn and accept yourself, the decision you'll have to make will become easier to make.

Knowledge is power and you're the subject of research. Good luck!

[Laura912]

Will try to state this without sounding like an old you know what, which is what I am, but you are 20. You have a significant other who does not know. Do you want to live with that hidden from her all your life if she becomes "the one?" How would you do, if she learns of your feelings, realizes this is not going away, and then tells you she cannot deal with it? Many here will tell you they wish they had told their SO early on in a relationship and many here have. The outcomes in both instances were mixed. However, those that told their SO of their situation and whose SO accepted that as part of them, are a lot happier. Both Kathi and Danika have good comments. Best of luck to you.

[Amy R Lynn]

I am new to cross dressing as well. I can tell you from my own experience so far that this forum has been the biggest help to me. It is a very confusing time. Just remember that this isn't something that you sought out. Its a part of who you are! If she loves you, she will understand.

You may get some rejection if and when you do tell her. This is a lot for some women to accept. A lot of women immediatly jump to the idea that we are gay. While some of us may be, there seem to be far more of us that are not. Remind her that you want to be with her, that you choose to be with her. That helped reassure my wife when I was married. As an added bonus, you can tell her that there would be extra girly things around that she could use too! More hair accessories, shoes, dresses.

We are here for what ever you need to talk about. This is a very supportive group.

~Amy Lynn

[Zaliel]

Thank you for the support so far. It is great to feel like I'm not alone. How do you know who you can trust to tell? Like what can I say to people to get an idea of whether they are accepting or not?

Thanks,

M

[Shelly Preston]

Hi M

It sounds like you will have to tell your girlfriend at some point in time.
it can be diffiucult living on a knife edge but you may find it easier once you have been here a while.
I suggest you read the lnk in my signature on telling your partner. this will give you some insight on what to expect if you do decide to tell her.

[Kate Simmons]

In my way of thinking I would say the first order of business would be to determine if you would really like to be a woman or just enjoy looking like one.

[Zaliel]

Is it a good idea to try and ask a friend that is a girl to help me by like going to the mall and trying on clothes and stuff? Or is it best to just do it alone? I feel scared, and I feel like I want help to try and figure out exactly how I feel. What do you guys think?

Thank you =)
M

[Danika140]

If you have a female friend that is willing to help then I would bring her along! Power and security in numbers. There is a reason why females usually travel in packs .

[Jessica86]

Is it a good idea to try and ask a friend that is a girl to help me by like going to the mall and trying on clothes and stuff? Or is it best to just do it alone? I feel scared, and I feel like I want help to try and figure out exactly how I feel. What do you guys think?

Thank you =)
M

I would pause everything until your girlfriend knows. That should be the first item on the list. I can't tell you how to start, but I was fortunate enough to have a dream while next to my wife in bed. I was awoke by my wife shaking me, mad because she wanted to know who Jessica was. I guess I was talking about her. I asked her if she really wanted to know. After telling her, I immediately let her ask all of the questions. Are you gay? Do you want a sex change? Do you still love me? All of those questions came out, and I said "I'm still a man. The man you married just two years ago. Nothing has changed as I have done this my whole life. Nothing has changed, and nothing will change if you don't want it to." She had a hard time for a few days, but let me know she still loved me. After a week, she asked me a few more questions, and to my surprise, told me she finds it "cool" to be with someone who can be a best friend and a husband. Plus, she tells me I have good fashion sense! LOL. Anyway, in Texas, the most conservative place in the world, I found a woman who is truly the best around. Understanding, supportive, and funny about it. I don't dress all the time, usually about once a month in everything. Once a week casually with no makeup, just the hair and pjs, to sleep or so. Let her know if she doesn't like it, to be open about it. I think most women would rather deal with the truth, no matter what it is, than to find out their boyfriend lied about something. Hope this helps.

[Kathi Lake]

How do you know who you can trust to tell? Like what can I say to people to get an idea of whether they are accepting or not?

Well, you can't. Unless you truly know this person and are sure that what you say won't be used against you in the future, or they won't tell others, wait. Once you tell someone, you can't 'un-tell' them. Now, your girlfriend? That's different. If you truly believe that she is the one, then it may be time to tell her. I sure wish I had at the beginning.

Is it a good idea to try and ask a friend that is a girl to help me by like going to the mall and trying on clothes and stuff? What do you guys think?

My first thought? Slow down there, Speed Racer!! Finding this forum, and the acceptance it presents, seems to push many of us into what we call, "The Pink Fog." It is characterized by selfishness, potential narcissism, and the inability to think of the consequences of our actions. For instance, I take it that this girl you wanted to ask to go to the mall isn't your girlfriend, right? Yeah, I'm sure your girlfriend will take the fact that another woman was taking you bra shopping reeeeeal well.

Step one? Think. Feel out your girlfriend. Let me rephrase that; try to ask through different questions how receptive she is to crossdressers. See what she knows. If she asks why you're so curious, let her know.

Kathi

[kimdl93]

I would pause everything until your girlfriend knows. ....

This is very good advice. You need to be able to be honest about how you feel at the moment. But also understand that at 20, you have a lot of maturing yet to do. What seems important or compelling today, may very likely change over time. If indeed you feel you were born in the wrong body, then your focus should be on getting a clear grip on these feelings and how you want to act upon them. I would suggest talking with a therapist or possibly joining a TG support group...or both. Now is a great time to start.

[Tina B.]

First off, the main question I saw was am I alone, well no your not, look at the top of the page, there are thousands of us here, and we are just a small part of the whole transgender community. Secondly, I heard what am I, only you can be sure about that, but what you describe sounds like the typical cross dresser to me.
Your confused, at your age I was even more confused than you are,becausee in my day (yes I'm old enough toSay that) we didn't have the INTERNET, there where no resources to learn from that I could find. I once heard the word transvestite, and the way it was used I thought I knew what it meant, but when I got out the Websters dictionary the word wasn't even there. I looked up TRANS, and then looked up vestite, but the closest I got was the definition of vest, trans to cross over, vest an article of clothing, and thats how I figured out I was a cross dresser. It took another 12 to 15 years before I came to terms with just what that meant to my life. The Vanilla's as someone here called them, the "normals" think its weird, they have no bases to understand how we feel, or what we need, it takes a long time to shake all of that negativity that society has laid on us. But once you accept yourself, life gets easier, and it can become a lot of fun. As far as the girl friend, I lost my first wife for being honest, and to be honest, a creep I still had not accepted myself, so why would anyone else. But then I found the love of my live, we have been married about twice as long as you've been on this planet, and she known about me for thirty six of those years, I'm free to be me at home, have all the things I can afford, openly. It's made for a very nice life, and if you read, for those that try and hide it from there wifes, they are not as happy because of limited chances to dress, or worst, they got caught, and their wives felt betrayed, because of years of hiding it from her. So in my not so humble opinion, first figure out who you are, that's the one that it's most important too, then deiced just who you want to bring into that iner circle. Until you get seriouse about getting out, and until you have figured out who is safe to come out to, I would just keep reading, asking questions, and thinking about what it all means to you, and why you think you want/need to do it.
And the girls are right of course, if you are bothered and confused, by all means see a therapist, or counselor, but find one that knows the subject, and is not biased against transgenders. Beware any of them that offer a cure, there is no known cure. It's not a sickness.
Tina B.

[Roberta Marie]

M,

There were a few things that are helping me enormiously in figuring out who I am, which is an ongoing process.

First, after much prayer and reflection, I came to the conclusion that crossdressing is not wrong.

Second, I came to the conclusion that gender is not binary, but rather an analog spectrum. I am somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

Third, I discovered a forum not terribly unlike this one. Asking questions, writing posts, and reading not only the responses, but reading my own posts gave me some interesting insights into myslef. The responses of others gave me different persectives.

Fourth, confiding in my wife after almost 30 years of marriage allows me to share this journey with an amazing woman and my best friend.

Fifth, I found a physical support group in my area through which I have formed social bonds with others like me.

None of us here can tell you what to do. We can only offer advice and opinions, and tell you of our experiences. You need to understand that the ultimate responsiblity for any decisions that you make are yours alone. But know that it does get easier as you sort things out.

[DeeDeeB]

When I was twenty, I knew about my crossdressing, but had no outlet like this site. I went another thirty years keeping it all inside. When I came out to my wife ten years ago she was relieved that I wasn't hiding something more significant. Now we share clothes and jewelry.

Most importantly, we have gone to Southern Comfort and continue to go to Fantasia Fair to learn about us and meet others of our kind. But mostly, accept yourself for who you are and share with those you love. It may not work out for some, but has been wonderful for many, like myself.

Hugs and best wishes,
Dee

[Beverley Sims]

You can see by the posts here that you are not unusual at all.
Follow others advice and go slowly and carefully.

[paulaloha]

As so many others have said here, slow down and let yourself process this. I am only 2 years ahead of you in age at 22. I will say this, the past 2 years of my life have been so incredible, and so eye opening. I have learned SO MUCH about myself and dressing, especially the past year.
I think before you go making any rash decisions you should try to get a better idea of your thoughts on this issue. I told one of my good friends about 5 months ago and it has been a wonderful thing to know someone I can talk to about this in person. But he is a guy, and definitely not my girlfriend, as others have said, I don't think most girls would take well to you talking to other girls about this stuff first.
Keep reading in the forum, when others ask questions try to answer them for yourself. Write down a list of questions that you have and write down how you feel about them.

If you ever need someone to talk to that is close to your age just shoot me a PM, I'd be happy to talk!

And welcome to the forum, there aren't a lot of us young guns on here, but there are definitely some.

Also try to get your posts up so you can join the 18-25 forum, it's nice to have a section for only those around our age!

Good luck M!

Paula
(for now, thinking of changing it)

[DMichele]

M,

Lots of good advice has been provided here.

I was open and honest with my SO before our engagement 40+ years ago as I revealed my (what I thought was) transvestism. I cancelled the engagement; but we worked through my reservations (or perhaps a sixth sense). After we divorced almost 30 years later, my ex revealed she thought she 'could change me' (i.e. stop my desire to crossdress).

After the divorce, I spent a lot of time observing this board and others like me. I came to the conclusion that 'I am OK and you/we are all OK'; and to integrate crossdressing into my life by being more androgyous. I am happier today, but not as happy as tomorrow - a continuous improvement mantra. I doubt that I will ever share my Cding with another SO though.

I believe in honesty, unfortunately there will be times that we don't get the responses that we would like.

My suggestion - use discernment before you share your CDing desires with family, friends and a SO. Best of luck.

[outhiking]

I'm glad to see you are not making the mistake I made in thinking that gettting married and becoming a dad would somehow "cure" me of cross-dressing. It's best to be honest to yourself and anyone you plan to marry, but do go slow and sort out your feelings.

[jillleanne]

Just relax and go with the flow for a bit. You have reached a plateau whereby you now want answers to your future. Those answers will only come from within. To say the road that follows may be a bumpy one, would be an understatement. How bumpy will depend on you and how well you can accept who you are. All roads get bumpy anyway so to think if you suppress this or hide it will make any road less bumpy is foolhardy at best.
A good place to start would be to tell the gf in the best way you can. She may reject the idea, may not. That will be your first test of the outside world, but she deserves to know now, not later. You are only 20 and have many years of this ahead of you. You have the support of the www, and social groups that did not exist when I was 20. I can only wish I came out at 20 instead of hiding it until 50, and could have had so many years of expressing who I really am.
You have an opportunity to be yourself, to express yourself, and stay true to yourself. What more could anyone ask for?