Questions to all, but focused on the women here that started as a crossdresser.

[Maddie22]

I've seen many of the TS's on here state that started out believing they were a crossdresser, but later realized that they are actually transsexual. What was it about crossdressing that didn't complete your journey of who you are on the inside?

I've been trying to figure myself out for a long time now. I'm constantly depressed, I feel really empty, and I really don't enjoy life. In the standard definition of things, I'm a crossdresser (I hate labeling myself, and I hate labeling myself a crossdresser even more). I come on the transsexual threads because I feel I relate more to transsexuals, that it isn't about the clothes, and there is something much more that is missing inside of me.

The whole aspects of crossdressing that I don't care for is the fact that so much is artificial. I hate going around with a wig on, I hate the pound of makeup that I need to use. I hate having to constantly pluck my body hair, I hate covering up all the male body parts with the female aspects I'd much rather be with. When I do look in the mirror, I do like what I see, and I'm happier to look at myself in that angle. I do hate taking off the clothes as well.

I know that transsexuals have body issues, and that going to a counselor and starting on HRT is not a magic bullet for body concerns. I know that many still must wear a wig and put on heavy makeup to cover beard and continue with the male body hair removal, and other aspects of the male body do need to be continued to be dealt with.

However on the inside I just don't feel right, and it continues to get worse.
It's as if there is a massive void in my soul that life isn't right. I'm really tired of being depressed, I'm tired of not knowing who I am and constantly thinking about it when I'm at work or in social settings. The depression also leads to me not being as productive as my potential is. It can be disruptive as well, I've been closing myself off more and more as well, and less social. I've noticed that in my mind I jealous of women because they are what I'm not.

As a transsexual, can you women on here who started out as a crossdresser relate to these feelings? Or am I just depressed and really need a good dose of Prozac?

[Raynefall]

To be honest that sounds a lot like myself. I joined up here just thinking that I was CD. Wondering why I did it. Who else was out there like me. But after a bit of being on the site and reading threads a lot of things people said really hit me. It made me think back throughout my life. I started back as a kid and worked my way up until the present day. There were a lot of signs along the way. A LOT of signs... I never felt like your typical guy though. I'm really very sensitive. Never liked anything typical. Never really kept male friends. So it all started to make sense.

Now months after my realization and I don't think I could be any more sure of myself. So send me a PM if you want to chat and hash things out. Maybe I can help you understand things and put your own puzzle pieces together! Though I am not a doctor in any way, shape or form I am also great at helping people minimize depression and realize what is causing it. Nothing makes me feel better than to help people work through it. I know exactly how depression feels as I have dealt with it my entire life and even acted upon it. So you are in compassionate company. ^_^

[RachelOKC]

Maddie, I think you'll find that many of us relate deeply to what you say.

I think a lot of us started off as so called "crossdressers" perhaps because we thought this was something we just did and that would be enough...except it wasn't, was it? CD'ing made us feel better, but not much because it made us realize it was a lot more than clothes we needed, it was an identity. The clothes just allowed us to visualize and express who we were and then we found that it was starting to get a lot harder to go back. And that's when we finally realized how bad our dysphoria really was and that we seriously needed to do something about it.

So maybe that's you or maybe not, but *however* it happens for any of us, the real thing is coming to terms with *WHO* we are.

I personally think that the word "crossdresser" isn't a label of who, it's a label of what and I stopped calling myself a crossdresser back in the 90's because of that. I do indeed have body issues, but I don't like calling myself transsexual either. The one label I apply to myself is transgender simply because I *AM* transgender not *A* transgender. In any case, labels are something just about impossible to avoid, but you do have a choice of how you want to label yourself. Use what makes you feel like you, huh?

As someone transitioning, I don't like feeling artificial either but I often do for many of the reasons you stated. But as a friend of mine pointed out, these are all things a lot of women do, and they do it to feel better about themselves. Sure, we could easily have a discussion about whether we *should* but I'll just say that if looking the way you want to look on the outside helps you to feel more whole on the inside, than by all means do it because it is YOUR life.

I don't know if you're in therapy or not, but I can tell you that no small part of my depression and breakdown has been due to terminally unresolved gender dysphoria. Gee whiz, interesting that the rest of my life is starting to grind into gear again now that I'm finally making real progress on that issue? You won't fix any problems by avoiding them, but you'll almost certainly make them worse.

[LeaP]

Crossdressing was always breakthrough behavior for me. That is, I was driven to do it and purged after I did, putting completely out of my mind. There was nothing satisfying about it. When I came to terms with the fact it wasn't going away, I stopped purging and became more comfortable, but it is only a shadow of what I need.

Breakthrough behaviors are those that make it through your facade. Breakthrough (i.e., at random, unexpected times, or inappropriate to circumstances) crying is a symptom of inner distress or pain, breakthrough anger is stress, etc. I look at crossdressing as breakthrough behavior because it, like those, cannot be suppressed, and is an indicator of something going on inside.

Like you, I hate the artificiality of it. Unlike the hobby crossdresser, for whom dressing can be very satisfactory, it only brings partial relief by seeing myself a little closer to what I feel.

Rachel has it exactly right. As you work through the depression and obsessive thoughts, you will realize that the only resolution is to come to terms with who you are. The negativity is due to holding on to what you are not.

[Aprilrain]

Crossdressing was always breakthrough behavior for me. That is, I was driven to do it and purged after I did

This is me to a T!

I hated CDing, it was a painful reminder of what I was not, not an affirmation of what I was. In fact I don't get CDing at all, don't see the appeal and for the life of me I cannot see how it is fun for a guy to wear woman's clothes but then again there are a lot of things guys do that I don't get! Whatever floats your boat!

[LeaP]

This is me to a T!

I hated CDing, it was a painful reminder of what I was not, not an affirmation of what I was. In fact I don't get CDing at all, don't see the appeal and for the life of me I cannot see how it is fun for a guy to wear woman's clothes but then again there are a lot of things guys do that I don't get! Whatever floats your boat!

The ones I don't understand are those who are adamantly male. Fetish types, I get it. Those who have some identity issues or who are questioning, I get it. But the "hell no", full-bore, damn the T full speed ahead types completely mystify me.

Painful is a good chacterization. The nature of that pain wasn't always apparent to me. Guilt and purging excised the pain until the next cycle. Once past guilt and purging, the hollowness of dressing itself created an ache. It's a deeper pain.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Maddie your post speaks directly to my experience..
and there is alot of really heartfelt and good advice..

Your challenge is going to be separating out your "nature - ie am i ts" from your emptiness and sadness.... it may sound appealing to consider that you are ts as a solution to your depression...but believe me its not...

however if you are working through stuff, and you come to the realization that your gender really is female, its something you can work on and with alot of patience and perseverance make your quality of life better...

One of the most helpful things you can do for yourself right now is to find a way to meet people...face to face... crossdressers and transsexuals, share your life history, more importantly hear their stories...i did this by finding a therapist that hosted a monthly group..

[April Lyn]

Maddie,
I am feeling exactly the same as you are. I go through alot of mood swings around this also, I will feel very happy and content in feeling that transitioning is really a strong possibility for me and that it is really just a matter of time. I have all of my life on some level believed that one day I would just wake up a gril, i dont know why exactly, just a thought that has always been with me. At other times (too often for my liking) I feel strongly depressed and that transitioning is no where near a possibility for me,too old (37),not enough hair to grow long, body too male, etc & etc on and on, it really is very upseting to me and will at times make me cry. I believe that I too an a CD who discovered that she is really TS. For me this realization was'nt fully realized while I had this all tucked so neatly in the back of my head for all those years, but since coming out to my wife and having a little more freedom to express my true self, I now have little doubt as to who I am. I Am actually starting therapy tomorrow and look forward to what that new experience will bring. Ill let you know.

- Hugs, April

[ELIZABETH46]

personally, i did not started as a CD since i knew of my gender desfuncion at early age.
i wish i could help you with your feelings at present time, but i will say this : take your time, dont "rush" into feeling "right", and most important DONT compare yourself with any one alse, women specially, because you are UNIQUE

[Julia_in_Pa]

I never wore women's clothes prior to transition due to a number of factors.including a medical diagnosis.

I echo what Elizabeth46 has told you about discovering you first.
Take it slow and dissect your feelings as not to not take a wrong path.


Julia

[Kathryn Martin]

I may be completely wrong in this, because I never dressed in women's clothing prior to my transition but I have a few thoughts. When I was 38 years old I tried on some women's clothing once. The experience was so shockingly disappointing that I never really tried again until I decided to transition. For transsexuals "cross-dressing" is really dressing and seems to be done to alleviate some of the pressure we experience from our conflicted self.

Cross-dressing for many of us is the grab and run failure to produce a physical image of ourselves that expresses what is on the inside. Anyone who has experienced the morning ritual of standing in front of your closet and wondering what you are going to wear to express your inner mood understands that cross-dressing and dressing are two entirely different things. When I finally went shopping the right way, tried on, found my style, was able to actually express my self it was a natural progression. I was finally visible. You also mention make-up. Crossdressers tend to use make-up to "emulate" women, including the covering up of facial hair etc. I have never used foundation, it masks your skin tone and always looks artificial no matter how light and sheer it might be. I learned early on that less is more, that makeup is for enhancement not cover up. It loses all of it's artificiality when you use it well but sparingly so you look natural not made up.

Body concerns are normal. There is not a woman in this world that does not have concerns over her body. I have trouble with my waist and narrow hips. Looking around I realized that there are scores of women who have exactly the same issue. And I did what we all do, I dress the body I have, not the body I want. One of the substantial issues with crossdressers is often that they try so very hard to achieve a particular result, that it looks artificial precisely because they fail to dress the body they have. The use of HRT is useful in two ways, firstly it does assist in transitioning your body by shaping you differently and will give you softer skin less hairloss etc. Secondly, it provides a physiological environment in your body that is a much better foundation for your inner self if that self is female.

The way you feel is is not unusual. In-congruence does that to you, the void, the abyss is so destructive. Get help, get on the right kind of anti-depressants because as the abyss gets deeper you need something to put a bottom in it from which you can start to climb out. Seventeen years of anti-depressants have taught me this: Get Help!

[MC-lite]

@Maddie22: You -NEED- to find a gender therapist to help you sort out your feelings.

[danielleb]

Maddie, I know you already have the answer to your questions, and you've had them for a long time. You just need to let yourself believe it all and take action about it. Finding a good therapist or a good support group will go a long way right now.

[Bree-asaurus]

I joined here thinking I was a cross dresser. After having discussions with cross dressers, I realized I had absolutely nothing in common with them. Two years later, and here I am, a full-time woman.

As for wigs and all that FAKE crap to either pretend to be a woman or to help you pass as a woman, I hate it... it feels like I have to pretend to be who I really am. I don't like the feeling that I have to somehow hide my flaws in order to be myself. Thankfully, I don't have to hide much anymore and it makes day to day life a lot easier. I don't have to THINK about the fact that I'm transsexual nearly as much... I can just wake up, get dressed and go about my day without strapping things on, strapping things down or covering things up. I still have a little swelling from my orchie that I feel like I have to hide in some pants, and I still have 3-4 slightly dark hairs on my upper lip that only I can see, but I still have to shave and cover with makeup. But aside from that, I can so easily just be myself now. It's a really good feeling.

But just for the record, even after you transition, get rid of the body/facial hair, grow your boobs and your butt, get the right parts downstairs, you're still going to have body issues. Welcome to being a woman.

[Inna]

Flying through fog with no instruments!

I suppose the discovery of transness within, was a gradual acceptance of the inevitable. Firstly I was supremely confused as a child, then crossdressed from 7-8 until not long ago. I didn't want to believe I could be a transsexual, how dreadful of a term it seamed, twisted and wrong, leper as I thought I was crossdressing fulfilled the need. But the need grew each time and entirety of feeling seeped in from depths of my soul where I sentenced her into deepest oblivion I could master. Until the faithful day I came to pay the ultimate price, yet chosen her instead. My life truly begun then, and Inna was born.

Hon, you are not different, and fit right in the vast and colorful spectrum of transgenderism. What you describe, the needs, emotions and reflections, point to transsexuality however such diagnosis should be left to you, deep within your heart lies the answer. Good trans therapist would help immensely!

[STACY B]

Yea CDing is alrite at the beginning but ya get bored with all the preperation that it takes to go from full blown man mode to full blown woman . Hell by the time your ready ,,,,Hell your plum wore out an ready to take it all off an go to bed . An ya get tired of all the fake stuff ,, An just want to get dress an go ,,No frills ,,Just do a little an go . So maybe Trans chix are just lazy CDs lol,,, Just KIDDING ,,,, >>>>>>>>>>>> OK Im running away now !!!!! I said I was SORRY ,,,,,,,

[Jonianne]

.....What was it about crossdressing that didn't complete your journey of who you are on the inside?.....

Crossdressing is an external. I've always identified "with" females on the inside and despised male-ish behaviours in others and being stuck being a male myself. Being able to come to a peaceful acceptance of myself, years ago, as a crossdresser did help pacificy the yearning to be female during the years I was married, especially to the love of my life. I was not even going to allow myself to even consider being TS or let it cross my mind in a serious way. Besides I only identified "with" females, not "as" a female. That was my reasoning anyway. And it worked for as long as I was married. After my Angel passed and as my last child at home is leaving the nest, my inside identity as a female finally was able to safely emerge and I know who I am and what I want.

It feels so good now to be in the process of transitioning to live the rest of my life as the female that I am.

[Badtranny]

I tried on some women's clothing once. The experience was so shockingly disappointing that I never really tried again until I decided to transition.

Sooooo poignant. This is exactly why I hated crossdressing. I experienced great sadness when I was very young at the thought of never being a girl, and I never felt it again until I tried crossdressing. What I saw in the mirror was so awful compared to what I felt I should see, that it was depressing indeed.

I had already been openly gay when I found this site. I was looking for some kind of answer to my confusion so I was googling things like "feminine gay man". I thought I had come to terms with my gender issue when I was a kid so I naively thought my problem was just homosexual tendencies. Being openly gay didn't make me feel right at all. It sounds weird, but I totally felt like I was faking being gay. I just didn't connect with gay men, or the "lifestyle". I was definitely attracted to men, but most of the guys I liked were straight. It had nothing to do with the look, as soon as I found out they were gay, I would lose interest. So while exploring the internet for some answers I stumbled on this site and realized that maybe I was a crossdresser. I saw the posts from the TS girls, but in my mind, TS women were the same as crossdressers except they looked like that every day! I was extremely naive and still thought the same thing I thought as a young goofy kid. "I'm a boy and there's nothing that can be done about it." So, I knew I was gay, and I knew I was more feminine than the average dude, so clearly I should get into this crossdressing thing. It lasted about a year before I started realizing that my little gender issue might be too big to continue ignoring. This freaked me out so I purged everything because there was no way in hell I was going to ruin my life and be a transsexual.

The rest is fairly well documented.

[AudreyTN]

I've seen many of the TS's on here state that started out believing they were a crossdresser, but later realized that they are actually transsexual. What was it about crossdressing that didn't complete your journey of who you are on the inside?

crossdressing didn't satisfy what I felt that I needed. in some ways it was a like a heroin fix. it'd get you by for a while. then once it wore off, you want more, you crave it, need it, you must have it. Initially at the age of 11 or 12, I thought it was just a fetish, even though I still wanted to be female. Eventually I realized it wasn't a fetish, it was a necessity, a life requirement to keep the depression demons at bay, and the suicide demons at bay. And as you said, the temporary plights into femininity, where you did all that work of hair, makeup, nails, shaving, to go out for a few hours of fun, and then you had to come home at 3 or 4 am, and in my case sneak in, hoping my roommate didn't wake up (before I told him and just came out) and catch me, operating under the cover of night hoping neighbors didn't see me, or come out to leave to go somewhere and run into you face to face. it was back in February I realized it, realized what a continuation of sneaking in and out, trying to go unnoticed implied. eventually I'd get caught or noticed or outed, and I already wanted to be feminine all the time, and had wanted a sex change since I was 11 and long before I even knew such procedures existed. the struggle, anxiety, hassle and just being tired of fighting is what did it for me in the end. It was emotionally draining, physically draining sometimes, psychologically devastating because you're doing something, but you're never happy or satisified with just crossdressing, and just having those select moments of joy at random, it wasn't enough. Then you return to form, and you're stuck being miserable and lonely, and angry, and confused, and it's not worth all that, at least it wasn't for me. I am who I am, and no amount of dressing, nights out, or weekend adventures to new towns or cities, or whatever, would ever satisfy me or leave me content enough to continue living as a man. I NEED to be a woman, I need to have surgeries, I need to have FFS, hair removal of the permanent type, I NEED to have everything on the inside match everything on the outside. Otherwise, the rest of my life that remains, will be a living hell as it's already been up to the point where I started transition and I'm just ready to be happy for me, for who I am and with who I am. Don't need a bf or gf, I want one, but after my surgery, a few select battery operated toys and one non-battery operated would suit me just fine, so long as I can be Audrey and I can be feminine 24/7/365.

[emmicd]

Dear Maddie,

I believe you are making a self discovery of who you really are and you have legitimate fears and are dealing with denial like most of us. I too came here at first believing I was just a crossdresser and although I love expressing myself through wearing pretty and extremely feminine clothing I came to also realize I was transgendered and on the CD/TG/TS spectrum I started to realize I was more and more TS. I was and am a woman! When I close my eyes and I drown out all the realities of life and I just allow myself to tap into my inner core as a person I come to understand that I am the little girl I felt since I was just a kid putting on the clothes I knew I should wear. It took me many years of denial and repression to finally understand this. I am at a cross roads similarly to you and I am now in therapy, I started electrolysis and will be on HRT by late June. This is a long process and I have opened up to my wife, my son, some of the people important in my life and eventually I will have to let more and more people in on my life long secret of being a woman! I am now starting to accept who I am and now doing what I felt I should be doing all along. I wish you good luck in your life and in the journey you now find yourself undertaking. It is not an easy one to put it mildly. Find a good therapist and stay true to who you are sweetie!

Best wishes!

emmi

[Jennifer Marie P.]

For me I always felt I was a woman so crossdressing was the answer until I started my transition and now as a woman I feel great.You need a gender terapist to sort all this out.

[kerrianna]

Maddie, I joined this forum back in 2006 because at that time I only identified as a crossdresser. I hadn't even really thought about it that much before because I had been crossdressing since I was a kid. It was something I always did. I joined this forum because it was the first site I had seen that didn't treat crossdressing merely as a sexual fetish.

If you read my first posts I knew at that time that there was something more going on than just the dressing. It was something that had always percolated under my life, but I could not really identify what, mainly because when I was a kid I did just that and was buried for it, so I buried that truth.

But that feeling of knowing something deep is wrong? Yeah. That was what drove me. The more I connected with my female identity, which came quickly after I joined this site and started being myself at least online, the more I realized how absolutely fundamental it was to my being. That crossdressing was merely my way of keeping myself alive.

But I fought it. I didn't want to "have" to do HRT or GRS or even live fulltime. My partner told me she didn't know if she could stay with me if I lived full time as female. I was worried everyone in the world would laugh at me and bully me (which is how I grew up). I was worried I would 'fail'. That HRT would kill me. That GRS would kill me. I had been brainwashed to believe that being TS was the worst thing in the world.

So I didn't go there. Not right away. What I did was find a therapist experienced in gender identity issues. My first shot was with an elderly psychiatrist who wanted to give me Prozac. I knew I wasn't depressed. I was dysphoric. My second therapist gave me the gentle guidance and room to explore my feelings. I actually started my HRT with only anti-androgens to see how surpressing my T felt. It was a relief to me. A calm came to me. That's when I knew I was on the right track, if I hadn't known before.

A really good next step would be to find a gender identity experienced therapist that you like working with. Don't be afraid to explore and go at your own pace. Keep an open mind. Always be ready and willing to switch tracks. You may not ever want to but knowing you are open to it helps you understand you are on the right track if that makes sense.

Try not to get caught up with right and wrong ways to transition or live your life. Everyone is different, everyone's life is different and we each have our own unique journeys in life to make.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes (that was a huge thing that held me back far too long) and just let yourself go and grow. LOVE YOURSELF and all else will follow.

Good luck hon.

[DeeDee1974]

I think I told myself that I was a CD to avoid the reality of what I might face if I did come out. The end of a marriage, loss of friends and family, employment issues. But the reality was too much to overcome and eventually my true self came to the surface.

My mom and sister have been amazing. There is some tension with my dad, but even he tells me he loves me. I did lose some friends, but the ones who matter are still there. My ex wife stuck with me for a long time and is still a great friend, but our attraction to men was too much to keep a marriage together. And I actually like my job.

Crossdressing before my transition definitely was a release from the stress I felt from hiding my true gender day in and day out.

[Jonianne]

.....I joined this forum because it was the first site I had seen that didn't treat crossdressing merely as a sexual fetish......

Exactly!

......Try not to get caught up with right and wrong ways to transition or live your life. Everyone is different, everyone's life is different and we each have our own unique journeys in life to make.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes (that was a huge thing that held me back far too long) and just let yourself go and grow. LOVE YOURSELF and all else will follow.....

Great post Kerrianna!

[Sally24]

For some, crossdressing is enough. For others its just a little hint of how things should be or could be. I just thought I was a little kinky as.long as the dressing was just in my imagination. When I finally explored things and started going out I realized it went much deeper. I think you are discovering the same thing. Take your time and find out what you NEED, not what you WANT.