[SIZE="5"]Sharing Anna: A Logical Brief Of An Illogical Paradox [/SIZE]
"If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there." -Lewis Carroll
Background
I have always had another side to me. Long before I had a clue why I was different. I remember it being there since as early as 4 years old, but most of my memories didn’t start until around that time so I guess that is more a statement of when I can look back and state a partial awareness.
I knew I was not like everyone else and as I got older I knew these feelings were not accepted. I hid, ignored, and denied who I was because of an unnatural guilt and strong desire to be normal. This was instinctual when younger and a survival/defense mechanism as I grew up. I kept this uniqueness hidden and never shared this with anyone until several years after I was married. Currently there is only 1 person that I have met in life that knows there is more to me. It might sounds cowardly to not have shared with other to some. It is so much harder to do than I could explain to someone. Telling my wife was the hardest thing I ever did.
My first memories of expressing my feminine self were when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and going into the jack and jill closet/bathroom of our house and trying on my sisters clothes. I had no idea why but I just thought I should. I also remember being worried someone would find out and quickly put everything back.
Somewhere around 1o or 11 years old I remember praying to god that I would become physically half girl and half boy. I didn’t understand how to make my body fit how my mind felt. I didn’t feel I was the wrong gender or body, rather I felt I was both at once. It was an illogical prayer request for my situation but looking back it makes more sense to me from a feelings perspective. During this age range I used to sneak my sisters Seventeen Magazines and both be attracted to the girls in them, and also wanting to be like them.
In high school it only grew stronger as a part of me and I worked even harder to hide it. I remember when it was time for prom and dreaming and wishing the entire time I was able to be in a beautiful dresses. I was even jealous of my date for that reason. I had a great time and was glad to be able to go as a guy. I just wanted to go as a girl so much more. I like being a guy. I always have. It was even fun to get dressed up in a tux for the first time and a date with a nice girl was always a top priority growing up. At the time I never contemplated what it would have meant (to society) going to prom as a girl for my date, as just friends or lesbians if I had.
I always respected girls to the point I was too nice. Part of that may have been relating to them from my inner feminine side, to wanting to be like them. So I find myself still stuck in an illogical and unique paradox. I like being a guy and absolutely love everything about my wife, life and family. I also like parts of being a girl. I am a much stronger, creative, better understanding, open minded, greater perspectived individual due to my gift. And at this point in my life I do see it as a gift. There are far worse things to be in this life than an alternative clothing selection regardless of what our society thinks.
It only takes a second of looking back in recent history to realize how intolerant society is and how far we have come in a very short time. And how far we still have to go. It is interesting to look back at our founding fathers of this great county and see that the fashion of the times for men included wig, hose, and heels. That same hind sight of history applies to my youth.
English: Painting, 1856, by Junius Brutus Stearns, Washington at Constitutional Convention of 1787, signing of U.S. Constitution. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I now know that I had anxiety that probably should have been treated growing up, and it wasn’t until I hit 30 or more that I asked the doctor about it. It seems so obvious now but I always attributed it to things like wanting to do well, or being shy, or not being in the coolest crowd.There is a cost to your health when you suppress and hide from yourself for many years. It comes at cost to you and your loved ones in many forms. Depression, stress and other health effects, resentment, guilt, frustrations, etc. Generally very high cost items in the long run. I am the type to never want to burden others with my problems. They have there own to deal with and I rather help them be happy. It is what makes me happy. But some burdens can only be carried alone so long before taking a bigger toll.
In a marriage there is a partnership and it is built on trust and love. This burden was so big in my mind that I tried to not burden my wife with it. To the extent that is feels more like deception to the other partner when they find out. I was trying to do the right thing and convince myself that my strong will power would be enough.
A couple of times I went through a painful process of swearing crossdressing off and all things from my feminine side. I went through 2 purges and regret them. I didn’t expect the pain and emotions that would result. It is like throwing away a part of your life and history. It is a pure nonacceptance of yourself . You can’t hate yourself and be happy enough to keep a happy home long term. For me these thoughts and concerns are a steady burden and part of my existence. At least 9 out of 10 days of everyday in my life it is near top of my mind.
I do not have a split personality, nor feel like I am trapped in the wrong body. I have given myself a female name to give recognition to myself and is a way to accept all of me. It is more like putting on a uniforms like in baseball or golf or for work. You play a role that is just another side of you while in that uniform. Wearing a dress and going by another name is not running from my life, my male side or anything else along those lines. I suspect this is a tough one to understand for those who do not go through it. I feel like I get to be myself when I do dress as Anna as well as when I wear nice clothes as my male self.
Having my feminine side is not an instead of proposition, but more of an also proposition. I do not want to be female instead of male. I do not want to learn about make up instead of cars. I want to be all interests in my personality and there is just more to me than most I guess. I love cars and dresses. Not either/or.
Today
I want to gain further understanding of myself finally, after all these years. I want to seek education, acceptance of myself, acceptance by my wife (the only ones who really matter), gain friends that I can be open with about Anna, feel support, improve my health and happiness. I want to feel like I am loved for the whole of me, and not just certain parts. I want to love all of myself as well.
Tomorrow
I want to be open and honest about who we are in my marriage. I want to explore this crazy life together. Not censored for comfort. I want to be honest to our children when I tell them it is ok to be unique, to be creative, to be themselves, and not feel like a hypocrite. I want to do these things before anymore of our lives slips away. I am tired of being ashamed of who I am when I know that I shouldn’t be.
Constraints and assumptions
There are plenty of constraints to these goals: guilt, depression, anxiety, society, money, strength, character, children, fear, time. To name just a few.
I would not want to share Anna with parts of our lives that would bring undue stress to our family. I do not want to daily dress as Anna. I would like to find a bit more balance and time to include all sides of me in our lives. But in a respectful manner with open communication and fair compromise.
The why
Living over 3o years with this in the manner I have has had a high toll. It has affected my physical and mental health, happiness, relationship. At times when emotions take over and my normal logical and analytic brain subside I feel resentment for not being fully accepted, even if unfairly to feel as so. This is a barrier that needs to drop and become another source of strength in my marriage instead of the elephant in the room.
The how
I want to attend functions like the Southern Comfort Conference to gain knowledge, make new friends, find support outside of just my marriage. I want to find people for my wife to connect with that can offer support from her perspective. I want to get more involved with the LGBT community. I want to read more on the subject and have open discussions. I want to meet the wonderful internet friends I have made and meet people I have found inspiration from during my very lonely and dark moments. (It is so painful to feel lonely and hopeless while in a great marriage, the illogic of it compounds the misery). I want to share my blog with my Wife.
References
Video links:
Cross-Dressing: What It’s About
MY DAY OFF: A Cross-Dressing Mini Adventure
My Drunk Kitchen Spoof (Parody) – Makeup Tutorial & Gender Talk
Events links:
Southern Comfort Conference
Love and peace – Anna
Originally Posted by Persephone
