I'm so confused with my gender identity! I guess there are two sides to this - how things are when I'm in 'male' mode and how things are when I'm dressed en femme.
Starting with my male side - this is getting increasingly feminised. Recently I have been growing my hair out (asked stylist to make more femme), wearing subtle makeup and wearing female clothes where possible. When I do wear the clothes it is just jeans, unisex shoes and maybe a skinny top.
On top of this, I do like to get totally dressed up when possibe, and today was the first day I left the house (went for a drive and a short walk) wearing forms, a femme top and heels. I was pretty much as femme as I could be, to the point where I think people were quite uncertain about my sex upon approach (though I'm sure up close it would be obvious).
My concern is - where this is going? I do not have any 'trapped' feelings regarding my male body, but having said that I do seem to be feminising myself quite a bit!
I'm starting to think that instead of having a male side and a female side to me, I just have the one side and it lies somewhere in the middle of male and female. So, maybe this is just me trying to reach some sort of equilibrium having lived 100% male up until now, but my concern is if this is just a stepping stone leading on to more. I do not think I would be happy were I to live as a woman, but at the same time I'm not sure where this feminising will end.
On a related note, I recently spent a few days with my parents and two sisters. I have been wanting to tell them about my transgender feelings for some time now but can't find the right way / time. Just to add to my confusion - when I was with them I didn't have any strong desires to present en femme (though I still enjoyed styling my hair and wearing femme jeans).. and this made me question how strong my feelings actually are and whether I should tell them at all. I guess this was maybe just a more 'male' phase I was going through, or maybe that around my family I am embarassed by my female side and so push it aside..
I'm not sure what sort of support I'm looking for with this, I think writing it down and sharing has helped though. Though if anyone else can relate to any of this then I'd love to hear from you.
Thank you for reading,
Gemma