Can of worms: Opened
I've told my mom about my intention to get my ears pierced.
I so regret that now, the word "disappointed" hurts a lot more than I thought it would.
There is this horrible feeling that things are going to get worse and more awkward.
My worst fear is actually happening.
****
Deep breath. Lot's of guys have thier ears pierced, it's pretty common. Maybe she'll come round.
Whowhatwhen. Lots of us have pierced ears not just cd's men too .Now a days it is no big deal.
I realize that, the problem is that for now I'm stuck living here until my situation improves and things are only going to get more awkward from here on out.
You were telling her of your INTENTIONS--you weren't asking for permission so if she is "disappointed" well, that sometimes happens. We can't always be what our parents WANT us to be. we do have a LIFE OF OUR OWN! They will get over this, and as already mentioned, this has nothing to do necessarily with being a CD. There isn't anything about this that requires women's ownership. Men have worm earrings throughout history and fashion things come and go. We need to separate out those things where there is strictly a woman's use only , and those things that can be adapted to either sex.
I know I don't need their permission.
But it sets a tone, they will know something is up and it seems like I'm going to be forced to come out soon enough.
How I want to look doesn't match with how I actually look, and as this changes things are just going to be more and more awkward.
When I got my ear pierced my aunt thought I was gay. Cause she's a country person an I'm from the city an see dudes with pierced ears all the time.
You could decide not to do it but if you do, wear the very tiny ones around your mom. Once she sees them she most likely will adjust because you will still be you. Dn't worry about the worms...they will crawl off someplace.
Yeah.
This is part of my worst fault, I always put other's superficial expectations before my own body image and as you can imagine it causes a lot of stress.
The problem with my mom is that it's plainly obvious she's depressed, yet won't seek help.
Thus, I feel like it would be selfish to add more pain for her.
On the other hand, my therapist and I discussed that I need to start owning my own body and making these steps to figure myself out.
I have this horrible feeling that I'll chicken out and not do anything.
Honey. Your therapist is right you do own your own body. But you do what feels right for you. I wish you all the best.
Even if you have your own place and get your ears pierced, your mom is going to see the holes. What then? You're not going to ignore her? I can understand not causing her unnecessary angst. However, it is your body. I am assuming if you did get your ears pierced, you are going to wear obviously feminine earrings and not little studs. Frankly, I've found some women place themselves on the pity pot so they can control people. You can get your ears pierced and just do not wear any earrings around her. Or wear fashionable studs for males. You made the statement "they' will know something is up." It's a big leap for somebody to go from wearing earrings/studs and sitting down for dinner in a dress and heels. The usage of the pronoun 'they' suggests to me there is more than mom in the household. If I am correct, what's your perception of the others, if they find out about your cross dressing desires???
I did reply to this post but Stephanie you hit the nail right on the head. So well put.
I was seeing a therapist not that long ago, why?Originally Posted by whowhatwhen
my therapist and I discussed that I need to start owning my own body and making these steps to figure myself out.
I have this horrible feeling that I'll chicken out and not do anything.
Because I wanted change some personal beliefs affecting me, I didn't know how to do that, so I sought professional help.
IDK the motivation behind you decision to see a therapist. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is how you feel about yourself. There is no escaping you. To me, from what you've said above, sound like your support here is swtiched on and has your best interests at heart.
It would be a pity if you chicken out. Every little step no matter what is always going to be a victory for you. And sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and follow through, even if it seems scary.
hugs
Rebecca
~ it's not how the world sees you but how you see yourself that counts ~
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My mom was "disappointed" when I got my bellybutton pierced. Parents are supposed to be disappointed at sh*t like that.
I really found this quote from you to be interesting, "I always put others' superficial expectations before my own body image."
There is a fundamental you that transcends body image and outward projection. I would nurture finding this nature of myself first, and then get back to body image. Inevitably, if you are growing as a person, the people around you are going to see this change. I think a lot of stress comes from uncertainty of what is to come and if you are currently doing the right things to prepare for what is to come. I would really know myself, who I am, and what I need to do VERY well before I would move to adjusting my outward appearance. The very fundamentals of what makes you who you are cannot really be taken away or by anyone. I have found that this reduces a lot of stress in my life and helps me enjoy RIGHT NOW...instead of worrying about what is to come.
I made pretty radical life decisions this past year that had my family very concerned. I was at my most stressful points when I was really just uncertain of who the Hell I am and what I am supposed to do with this gift. (Just the gift of existing). It seemed like a lot of things were beyond my control and that my family just could not understand what I was thinking. I pretty much had to sit down and have a very long talk with myself. But, I swear to you...once I just had glimmer of who I was and what I found to be truly important in life...it was like I was unstoppable. My family had been EXTREMELY nervous. But, once I was able to explain what the Hell I was doing to myself and truly know it...I was able to tell my family. I realized that they were so obstinate in my life changes, because they did not want me making hasty decisions. I didn't know how to convey to them why I was doing it, because I did not know myself. Once I really figured out what the Hell was going on with me, what I believed, and how I wanted to use my time here...I was able to explain it to them calmly and logically. And, after I had explained it to them...they also knew I was making the right decisions. I think our families have funny ways of looking out for us. But, we often aren't sure how to explain what we are doing to them because we haven't been truly honest with ourselves.
So, my long drawn out point (if you are still reading)...is to worry about body image last for yourself and for your mom. Go have a long, hard talk with yourself and actually listen to yourself. Be honest with yourself. And, maybe come back to meet again with yourself over the next few weeks. THEN, have a long, hard talk with your mom. And, once you have finally figured out the fundamentals...you can proceed to much less important things (like body image). The fundamentals have to come first.
That's just my advice and what helped me when dealing with myself and everyone else as I flipped my life completely around. I don't say that it's the ultimate answer to all of you problems in life, but I don't think it could hurt. And, I really do hope that it helps you as much as it helped me. But, you can also just tell me where to shove it and that you have found your own way of dealing with things. That's fine too.But, I wish you the best with your family and your upcoming decisions.
"Today a young man [...] realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration...that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively...there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.”-Bill Hicks
“What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.” East of Eden by Steinbeck
Oh Moms always have this special ability to push their children's buttons and express 'oh disappointment', but they also forgive easily too......
Like Shananigan said, Parent's job is to be disappointed. Just remember, she is not disappointed in you. She is only disappointed in that her image of your ears do not include a piercing. This is not against you, but against her ability to adapt, which is only normal.
She will adapt. If you do not do what your heart wants and needs, you will not adapt, and by eternally hurt, and may begin to harbor resentments against those who are disappointed. Don't disappoint yourself.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
time to cut the cord and not naive a damn what anyone thinks including dear mother??
Cute.
Except I have to make that decision to live in awkwardness until my life is in order enough to move out.
There is no cord to be cut, I just feel bad for all she is going through.
Edit:
I didn't think having empathy (even maybe misplaced) was being clingy.
Last edited by whowhatwhen; 06-10-2012 at 03:21 PM.
Just wait until you like start hearing the word "Uncomfortable", as in "You make me/us uncomfortable". It's used quite often by those who you thought were friends and/or family. Their way of so totally asking you not to come around as that other person. .
Pierce them
If I may add more especially concerning the depression. Perhaps you realize that true depression, not just the blues, is a central nervous system disorder which is fortunately more treatable now than 20 years ago. There are varying severities but if an individual will not get help, relief will not happen. Getting treatment for someone depressed is difficult because the disease prevents them from getting the treatment and around in the circle they go. Also, those who are depressed will fixate on things or subjects. She may "fixate" on your ear piercing but it is not the piercing that is the problem. It is her depression. Regardless of what you do, pierced or not, the depression will still be there so you need to take care of yourself. Then the next thing is get her to treatment.
Okay
So I'm definitely going to do it once I find the right tattoo shop to get it done at.
Don't go to some tattoo shop. I did my first there and paid a fortune as well as they like used these "needles" they passed through my ears. I so totally didn't know about Claires then. My second piercing I went there and it took like 5 minutes or less from start to finish, no pain no drama, and the price included the "starters". .
Well, if it's worth anything ...
My ex was adamantly against tattoos. Probably as much as your mom is against pierced ears. My oldest son wanted one in the worst way and he eventually got it done (he was 18). Still, he was afraid to show his dad. He showed me, I thought it was great, and I promised him that his dad would get used to it eventually as well. Sure enough, he did.
Whowhatwhen, honestly, the larger issue down the road won't be about the pierced ears, but about your gender identity whether you eventually decide you are TS and plan to transition, or decide you will toe the middle line and go out dressed on a regular basis. If you ever get to that point with your mom, you can suggest she join here or maybe find forums for parents of TGs (I use this term in the broad sense), if there are such places.
Reine
I really do appreciate everyone's insightful and helpful posts.
Shananigans:
I've already had that discussion with myself, we became deadlocked so I had to bring in a 3rd party. (therapist)
Marsea:
I've heard it both ways, but at a glance Claire's is a lot cheaper.
Decisions...
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