About 60 years ago, when I first began to snoop through my sister's lingerie drawers to find what new sensations I could try on, I believed that I was the only guy in the world doing such things. After all, nobody ever bragged about trying such things, and most guys liked to brag about everything from the size of the fish they caught to how far they went with their girl friend. Eventually I began to read the odd news item about men wearing women's clothing, but it was usually connected with sexual gratification, the excesses of drag presentation, or the preparation for sexual reassignment. I still seemed to be the only guy in the world wanting to crossdress for the reasons that I did.
Then about 25 years ago, after years of trying to suppress my urges, I began to accept my desires as nothing to be ashamed of, even if I was the only guy in the world with these desires, and for the first time in my life, allowed myself to fully crossdress, if only around the house and known only by my wife and I.
Then, along came the internet, and the bios of thousands of crossdressers that proved that I wasn't the only one, but now there seemed to be such a multiplicity of needs, reasons and responses, that every crossdresser seemed to be the only one, at least so far as their "thing" was concerned. Now, when I visit this forum, there are days when I relate totally to much of what I read, and other days when I leave feeling still that I am the only guy in the world doing what I do.
So what is it that I do? I am a man who enjoys being a man, and has never had any desire to be a woman, or wish that I had been born one. Nor do I feel any confusion as to my gender or sex. When I crossdress, I do not feel that I am a woman. My primary interests, with the exception of this one propensity to crossdress, are all ones considered by society to be masculine type interests. So why do I crossdress? After these many years, I have been able to formulate a couple of theories that I believe provide the reasons for my crossdressing.
1. While men and women differ somewhat mentally, because of slight differences in brain structure and hormonal influences, we are more similar than different. Our culture places pressure on men to emphasize the qualities that society considers to be masculine while minimizing many of those qualities that are considered to overlap the feminine side of things. We are expected to be a macho man, when this actually contradicts what every man actually is; a blending of society's concepts of masculinity and femininity. Not allowing ourselves to be ourselves creates stress, and every man finds his own method of dealing with that stress, or suffers the consequences. My method was an accidental discovery 60 years ago, that donning items of female apparel forced me to relax my subconscious instincts to emphasize the macho, and suppress the feminine. It created a strange sense of relaxation, and a desire to keep revisiting that state.
2. Just as men and woman have mental differences and similarities, so too there are a great many physical differences and similarities. The differences form the basis of the attraction between the sexes, and are a major part of the differences in clothing designed for each sex. The awakening awareness of my pubescent interest in and feelings of attraction toward the opposite sex created a sense of curiosity about these clothing differences. Beginning as a desire to simply touch and examine them, it quickly led to wondering what it was like to wear them, and subsequently the feelings of relaxation outlined in point 1.
3. Following the introduction brought about by points 1 and 2, intellectual curiosity took over. What do women experience in life? Can I capture a sense of that by dressing like one from time to time? What does my crossdressing reveal about me? Why is it considered to be such a taboo, when it is one of the most benign activities in which a man can participate; causing no actual harm to himself or anyone else?
To summarize, I crossdress to relax, to expand my knowledge of the overall human experience and to satisfy my curiosity about many things in life. I feel no desire to be a woman, but simply enjoy the attempt to emulate one. There is no release of any "woman within" as some crossdressers claim, but there is a sense of allowing my own natural male "femininity" to be expressed instead of being suppressed as expected by society. My behaviour remains the same regardless of how I dress, as do my interests in life. There is no "alter ego" involved. I do not look upon my dressing as a need, but simply an acquired desire. I also do not consider that I was born to be or destined to be a crossdresser, but simply became one as a result of my enhanced level of curiosity and interest in life.
Am I alone, or can any others relate to my "type" of crossdressing?
Veronica