So, lately my wife and I have been arguing a bit and it's always the same thing. We have sex 3-4 times A MONTH and it is so not enough. Then, when we do it's always the same thing as she never wants to do anything out of the ordinary like dress up etc. Sometimes she will be then it's always a compromise.
When I get to dress there aren't any compromises and I just do what I want. Pretty sad things have come this way but at least I get some pleasure on my own.
Anyone else have the same issues?
Gina, I suspect there's a lot more of this than CD's will admit. I expect there will posts saying that your drive to crossdress has become obsessive because it has interfered with your relationship with your wife. (Ha! My crossdressing became obsessive long before I met my wife.) But there are usually other things that interfere with intimacy - crossdressing is often the scapegoat.
I agree with you that doing it alone is better in many ways, as you mentioned. In my case, crossdressing in private works for us, as my wife's sex drive is very low, and she's good with my dressing in her presence or alone.
It seems that crossdressers whose relationships are damaged by crossdressing driven by strong internal feminine identities get a pass while those driven by sexual pleasure are held accountable for their out-of-control obsessions.
I have no idea what is wrong with the sexual relation you have with your wife. But I can say with utmost conviction that if you are not holding up your end in the bedroom, your marriage is on it's way south.
Women like sex. It's built into us. And if you are not convincing her that she is the most important object of your sexual attention, she will be unhappy.
Whatever do you want her to "dress up" for???? Most humans have sex naked. Do you want her to "dress up" so you can feel more comfortable "dressing up" when you have sex? Listen. Don't do that. Leave the crossdressing for private. If your object is just to "dress" and then have sex with your wife, you are just using her for a masturbatory outlet and believe me, SHE CAN TELL. We are not stupid, you know. We have feelings AND we have brains.
S
To answer your header question: yes it's bad to get more pleasure out of dressing then having sex with your wife. If that's the way you feel, no wonder you can't compromise! No wonder you are arguing!
Gina, you did not say what the arguments are about. Is it about the lack of sex? Or are you arguing over others things other then your sex life, or lack there of? Is it about your CDing?
So here is what I'm hearing....You want to enhance your sex life with your wife by her "compromising" and letting you dress up for sex. You are upset that she does not want to. How about you finding other ways to enhance your sex life with her? Make the sex all about her and not about you and your CDing. How about trying some simple romantic things to make her feel special. Fix her a nice candle lit dinner, draw her a nice bubble bath with the room lit only by candles and some soft romantic music playing in the background. Most women want to be romanced and be put in the mood for sex with some thoughtful loving things done just for them by their husband. Send her some flowers to where she works...for no reason other then to say I love you. Sex becoming routine is the fault of both partners, not one. But each tend to blame the other and withhold when it is so routine. You use the word compromise.... Interesting. What are you doing to compromise? or are you mis-using the term meaning your wife won't do it your way?
I'd try some other tactics to get what you want. And the best tactic is to give 110% more then you expect.
Whatever you do, don't make the CDing a main issue or bone of contention with your wife. I assume she is accepting to some degree. Push the sex while dressed issue and that can do a 180 on you real fast. I wish you luck.
Last edited by BRANDYJ; 06-18-2012 at 09:35 AM.
Sounds to me like it has more to do with the dynamics of your relationship than with CDing. The only way to truly assess if the needs of both of you are being met is to have honest discussions with one another.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
I have to agree with leaving CDing out of the equation with having sex with your wife. Most women want their man in the bedroom and no women's clothes on them and no reminders of CDing. Enjoying sex more dressed up by yourself is a bad sign for the marriage. You two need to find a compromise quick (listen to her). Good luck.
From what you've said, it seems she does compomise on things in the bedroom, so try to be appreciative of that even if it falls short of your ultimate desires. Instead of arguing, try to find out what she would like and do that.
She doesnt know about my cding. I like her to get dressed up and look sexy but she always needs to compromise.
She wants to be her own person and loved for that. You want her dressed up and sexy... but you are maybe through that stage of your relationship?
Stephanie has made the point that women like sex etc.. but libido changes over time and in any relationship. Sex becomes intimacy and intimacy becomes affection and friendship... not universally, but pretty much across the board. Men don't change the same way women do which is why we then have affairs etc...
CDing could be like having an affair, it is just that you are now 'her'? And if you find 'her' more fun that your wife... start asking the questions of yourself!
It is a complex world this... lots of differing motivations for what we do and how we do it... and lots we won't admit to!
Kaz xx
__________________________________________________ ____________
This Woman Within is Flying without Wings
Just what do you mean she always needs to compromise? Compromise about what?Originally Posted by GinaM
I mirror Marleena's reply on this.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
I am assuming that YOU are the one who thinks sex three or four times a months is not enough, and, not your wife. I checked your age (36). I've been there (36) and done that. At 36 we had two kids (ages 6 & 1). Wife (32) took care of two pre-school age kids. After a long day, did she always want to jump in the sack and do it? Another wifely chore? This guy wants me to dress up in sexy lingerie and be creative, yet! Ugh! Please, get it over.
You may want to consider your wife's desires. My suggestion, if you have kids, get grandma or auntie to watch them for a weekend. Go to the sea shore, the lake, the mountains. Let her sip a drink, ice tea. Let her read a book. I think your cross dressing may be trying to influence her wardrobe/bedroom attire. A hot babe stark naked and sweaty, slipping and sliding over your body will (hopefully) let you forget the packaging she came to bed in.
My wife and I use to have nice shopping trips (WITHOUT KIDS ALONG) shopping for lingerie. Again, a day of attention without kids.
Now, if you and her are childless, there may be a different underlying issue. Maybe she and you have different levels of need. Maybe, contrary to your belief, she is aware of your cross dressing. If that is so, then she may feel your intense desire for her to wear sexy lingerie is a substitute for you wearing lingerie to bed. She may feel her wearing lingerie is about YOU and not her!
If you are not sensitive to her desires, you and her are destined to have trouble. Marriage is a continuous negotiation and renegotiation of desires and goals.
Is it "bad"? What do you mean by "bad"? Morally wrong, i.e., something you should feel guilty about? I'm not sure. Harmful to your relationship? Sounds like it.
It does sound to me like you're thinking a lot more about what you want than what she wants. Maybe you need to try to see things from her point of view.
Best wishes, Annabelle
Here is something that it took me a lot of emotional trouble to learn:
No-one owes you sex. Not even your wife.
You need to learn to deal with your situation emotionally. Or you need to get out of the relationship.
I would recommend that you speak to a therapist. Don't leave the situation to stew, or you will end up angry and bitter like I did.
While I don't necessarily think it's bad, persay, that you get more pleasure out of crossdressing than sex with your wife, it does sound like you could have a more rewarding sex life. But I think it's difficult to do so without being more open about your sexualities, having more of a dialogue. It sounds like she could open up a bit more in terms of trying new things, but obviously you haven't been totally open with her either. So, *shrug*.
But isn't masterbation doing things only to yourself and no one else is invlolved?
Oh PLEASE don't try and make this the woman's fault. She changes so you can go out and have an affair? I don't think so.
Exactly. If you get all dressed up and then come by sticking in her you are doing it ALL BY YOURSELF. And she can tell.
S
That was my question as well and you hit the nail on the head with your answer. Brava!!!!!!!
The word "bad" is relative, Gina. If you're not getting along in the bedroom and out of "frustration" hook up with a woman at work, is THAT BAD? Despite the replies here that r all over the board, I believe MOST would say, "Yes"!
So, is sex with your fem alter ego WORSE than having an affair with a live person? I think most would say, "No"!
Let me add my experience. When a marriage starts going south, it usually ends up causing intimacy problems. But, the bedroom problems r USUALLY caused by a miriad of OTHER ISSUES! When my ex lost her interest in sex and intimacy, my interest in CDing grew. Altho, I didn't become romantically involved with Sherry until we separated. Like u, I think I would have thot it was "bad"!
Bottom line, it's probably BAD for your marriage! Otherwise, if it's, "bad", or not is your call!
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Wise words indeed.
Gina, if you enjoy solo sex dressed more than being with your wife because she doesn't conform to the image you want her to be, then eventually you will end up with a disconnected marriage.
If you're just starting down this path it may not be too late to change it. It will require you to learn to see your wife again and appreciate her for who she is. She will sense this and respond accordingly.
Reine
This is a very tentative opinion so I may be way out in left field but I have been left with the distinct impression that many women do not like sex with men because men have sex like men and not like women.
Try enjoying her sexually as if you were a woman and think a little bit less about your own pleasure, this may seem counter intuitive to your needs but you may be surprised by the results.
Now that you've added this info it changes the whole scenario. It sounds like she may feel like your are not getting getting turned on by her. Asking her to dress sexy is probably a letdown for her. Alpha males are supposed to be ready to go at the drop of a hat.
I'm willing to bet that if you drastically increase the amount of sex you have, some variations will come naturally. It's not good at all to not enjoy having sex with your SO. Sex is probably one of the finer things in life, and one of the most important things in a marriage, IMHO.
Having a fem side that you please by yourself has created an addiction much like being addicted to porn. You expect a certain level of "dressing up" from your wife as the same as you do for yourself. She can not compete with your imagination if she doesn't know about your crossdressing. If you don't want to tell her about the dressing then don't, but don't hold her to the same standard that you have set for yourself. I have gone through this also. My wife and I finally sat down and wrote things out then discussed our feeling. We talked about out expectations and our dream dates. There for awhile I felt no more than just a machine going through the motions doing the same thing day after day and all I was the ATM (wife does not work). She does know about my dressing but had a don't touch me policy in place when I dressed. We finally got around that because I talked to her about it. The depression we were both feeling was causing us to become strangers to each other. Now that our feeling and our expectations are known to each other things have improved dramatically both in our relationship and in the bedroom. We have been married 29 years and we are still discovering things about each other. Just talk to her about it, DON'T ARGUE, talk.
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