Is it bad I get more pleasure out of dressing than having sex with my wife?

[Shari]

First of all Gina, NO, it's not bad that you get more pleasure from dressing than with your wife. Anyone here who would pass judgment isn't walking in your heels and living in your marriage.
At 36 this shouldn't be happening to your marriage. We aren't getting all the information and I quite imagine it's so complicated, many would not take the time to read it all. Plus, we would need to hear your wife's side.
The "compromise" fascinates me. Almost sounds like a form of blackmail. None of this yoo-hoo until you give me this or that or do something for me in exchange. If that's so, that's much worse than any dressing.
You two need a quiet evening, a bottle of wine and a long and honest talk.

[NicoleScott]

She doesnt know about my cding. I like her to get dressed up and look sexy but she always needs to compromise.

After Gina's second post, I wonder if the wife getting dressed up is necessary for sexual arousal? (or at least so highly desired that it's disappointing without it)

[docrobbysherry]

After Gina's second post, I wonder if the wife getting dressed up is necessary for sexual arousal? (or at least so highly desired that it's disappointing without it)

Excellent point, Nicole. I assumed that's what Gina meant. After I was married awhile and my wife became, let's just say, much less sexually attractive to me, I didn't think about sex with her often. However, whenever she was in the mood she could easily kick start my motor!
Possibly Gina needs a kick start, too! And, if his wife isn't physically into that, maybe some sexy outfits on her will work? I'm NOT one to judge! Whatever works for u 2, do it! Sounds like she may not be very interested in sex, period!

As was mentioned above, communication could be a serious issue between Gina and her SO!

[Tina B.]

Gina who can say if it's bad or not, to many unknowns. Is your cross dressing, and how you feel getting in the way, or does you wife lack imagination in the bedroom, are the two of you fighting outside the bedroom, and then you want to forget it in bed, are either of you under a lot of stress, is the lack of sex, because no one makes that first move, or are you getting rejected, or is she? There are just to many things going on all at the same time, for strangers, to see all of it for themselves, we haven't heard all of your side, or any of hers. But to me, it's only bad, if you are bothered by it (and you seem to be) and if it's effecting your wife negatively, and therefore your marriage. If that's the case, and you want to fix it, you may need outside help, as in a marriage counselor, or some one the two of you can talk to that might give you a third, and impartial view. The other fix of course means finding a good lawyer, and end a bad situation, if you are unhappy, and see no way to make a change in the relationship. Everybody deserves to take a shot at finding true happiness, both you and her.
Tina B.

[GinaM]

Let me clarify a few things. I LOVE my wife and am TOTALLY attracted to her. I'm just frustrated that we don't have sex more often. When we DO have sex it's usually great. I don't have her dress up all the time but from time to time we like to mix it up. We sat down last night and had a talk about this and it all boils down to stress. I can totally understand this as we're going thru a TON of stress right now so it all really makes sense. I think the dressing just helps me get thru the dry spell.

[Tara D. Rose]

Exactly. If you get all dressed up and then come by sticking in her you are doing it ALL BY YOURSELF. And she can tell.


S

oh come on StephanieS, Come on. You agreed with me what masturbation is as I described. I mean do we need a dictionary? We all know that Santa has reindeer, and a person named obama is president, you claim that if a cd that is sexually aroused, and, as you said, sticks it, in her, is still masturbating??????
I used to think that I was so misunderstood, just because of typed words, but I cannot see how you will disagree with me about the definition of "masturbation"? If a cd is aroused and sticks it, there with his/her partner, as you stated, you are telling me that it is still masturbation???
My goodness, I used to lie up at night thinking it is me and that I may be wrong. But now you have proven to me, tonight that it isn't me. Masturbation is by yourself, and yet you tell me that if a turned on CD sticks his thing into her, he is still masturbating???
How much simpler can it get? and yet you still tell me that I have the definition of that wrong. Thank you so much, I used to think that even I possibly ,could be, may be, wrong just with giving an opinion, now you tell me, yes you have told me, with your words just that and I'm breaking it down for you, that a penis in a vagina can still be masturbation, ????
Well is the woman alive? That would be a form of masturbation, I guess. Get real with me girl. Are you saying though that if a CD gets all dressed up, and/ or looks at some porn, and gets very turned on, and then gets with his/her wife and inserts "P" into "V" ,,,that it is still masturbation??
If you say yes, then I rest my case, we, as CD's don't have a chance in this cyberness. I used to think I may have done wrong on here a few times, but if you hold a stronghold to this, well,,,,,,,,,,, well….all I can say is well??
My wife will watch porn sometimes by herself, I don't care, and if she jumps me, and needs me, and we indulge, and I help put out her fire, or put out her fire, it is not masturbation. Can I be any clearer? Will you come back and tell me that under those circumstances, that a "P" in a "V" is masturbation????
If you say yes it is, then I will have to think,,, and I may be wrong, but I think that some and not all cd's may grin just a little. This definition of yours goes so far over the top of any understandings conceivable. Are you being coached by some to just disagree with Tara??
Masturbation is self gratification sexually, it is done all by yourself. If it involves another person, and especially if it involves inserting a "P" into a "V",then it is not masturbation.
I know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, no,,,,,, ,,I think you may come back and tell me that it is just as you say. But Tara isn't wrong this time. Masturbation is not a matter of opinion, but masturbation is a defined sexual act that is done when you are alone or doing it in front of another..
My damn.

[Marleena]

Let me clarify a few things. I LOVE my wife and am TOTALLY attracted to her. I'm just frustrated that we don't have sex more often. When we DO have sex it's usually great. I don't have her dress up all the time but from time to time we like to mix it up. We sat down last night and had a talk about this and it all boils down to stress. I can totally understand this as we're going thru a TON of stress right now so it all really makes sense. I think the dressing just helps me get thru the dry spell.

So the replies need to change yet again..

Gina had you said all this in the beginning it would have been much easier for everybody. So you are not getting enough sex so getting dressed up made up for lack of sex.

[candra]

Do you think if you had more sex with your wife you would not dress as often? i am very curious how/if the 2 are related.

my wife and i have great sex and just realized the best sex if when i have not dressed. i am afraid it i dress more our sex life will be reduced to 3-4times a month like yours.

very worried,
candra

[Stephenie S]

oh come on StephanieS, Come on. You agreed with me what masturbation is as I described. I mean do we need a dictionary? We all know that Santa has reindeer, and a person named obama is president, you claim that if a cd that is sexually aroused, and, as you said, sticks it, in her, is still masturbating??????
I used to think that I was so misunderstood, just because of typed words, but I cannot see how you will disagree with me about the definition of "masturbation"? If a cd is aroused and sticks it, there with his/her partner, as you stated, you are telling me that it is still masturbation???
My goodness, I used to lie up at night thinking it is me and that I may be wrong. But now you have proven to me, tonight that it isn't me. Masturbation is by yourself, and yet you tell me that if a turned on CD sticks his thing into her, he is still masturbating???
How much simpler can it get? and yet you still tell me that I have the definition of that wrong. Thank you so much, I used to think that even I possibly ,could be, may be, wrong just with giving an opinion, now you tell me, yes you have told me, with your words just that and I'm breaking it down for you, that a penis in a vagina can still be masturbation, ????
Well is the woman alive? That would be a form of masturbation, I guess. Get real with me girl. Are you saying though that if a CD gets all dressed up, and/ or looks at some porn, and gets very turned on, and then gets with his/her wife and inserts "P" into "V" ,,,that it is still masturbation??
If you say yes, then I rest my case, we, as CD's don't have a chance in this cyberness. I used to think I may have done wrong on here a few times, but if you hold a stronghold to this, well,,,,,,,,,,, well….all I can say is well??
My wife will watch porn sometimes by herself, I don't care, and if she jumps me, and needs me, and we indulge, and I help put out her fire, or put out her fire, it is not masturbation. Can I be any clearer? Will you come back and tell me that under those circumstances, that a "P" in a "V" is masturbation????
If you say yes it is, then I will have to think,,, and I may be wrong, but I think that some and not all cd's may grin just a little. This definition of yours goes so far over the top of any understandings conceivable. Are you being coached by some to just disagree with Tara??
Masturbation is self gratification sexually, it is done all by yourself. If it involves another person, and especially if it involves inserting a "P" into a "V",then it is not masturbation.
I know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, no,,,,,, ,,I think you may come back and tell me that it is just as you say. But Tara isn't wrong this time. Masturbation is not a matter of opinion, but masturbation is a defined sexual act that is done when you are alone or doing it in front of another..
My damn.

Yeah, I was exaggerating a little. But I do think there is a bit of truth in what I said.

Using another person for little more than the "bung hole" in the gay club bathroom stall is not that much different from masturbation. And it doesn't take a woman much effort to tell that this is what's going on.

Now it turns out that we all misunderstood the OP. Too bad we didn't have more info in the beginning.

S

[TGMarla]

Hi. I'd say that there's absolutely nothing at all wrong with deriving greater sexual gratification from your crossdressing than you do than you do when you have sex with your wife. It means nothing at all about your relationship or the love you have for her. There are lots of different kinds of sex, all of which nail us in some brain center in our heads. Sometimes it's more intense and gratifying than at other times, and for many different reasons. Right now, the whole thing is triggered by crossdressing more than with regular sex. That doesn't mean that it'll stay that way. And even if it does, it doesn't mean that you love your wife any less.

Huh. Imagine this lot trying to tell you what's normal!

Snicker!

[Ms Mira]

Well, if your sexuality is deeply tied together with your crossdressing (and hey, that's part of being Mira for me)...

And you don't crossdress when you have sex with your wife...

Maybe it's not a surprise that you get more sexual gratification out of dressing than sex. You shouldn't think of it as a "bad" thing. You should just look at what this is telling you.

[Alice Torn]

Though single, I can relate some. For decades, i wanted to get married so very badly, it was killing me! I came close once, but, realized i was too poor to support a wife, and two kids. I still regret not going forward, and marrying her anyway. To tell the honest truth, I don't find the vast majority of gg's very attractive , and ladylike, anymore! Sorry to say this, but must be HONEST. I don't find men attractive much either. I have lost almost all my desire to be married, unless a VERY unusual, bright, humble, and ladylike lady comes along. I don't like the way women dress anymore, in 90% of the cases. I can see where i would have the same problem you have, enjoying dress up time, more than sex with a wife. It would take a very rare lady, to change that.

[TGMarla]

Ironic, isn't it, that we are bombarded with sexual images from a young age, yet often tend to have sex in the dark. Of course crossdressing, a highly vision/image driven activity, is going to be stimulating.

Duh.

[ReineD]

Using another person for little more than the "bung hole" in the gay club bathroom stall is not that much different from masturbation. And it doesn't take a woman much effort to tell that this is what's going on.

Now it turns out that we all misunderstood the OP. Too bad we didn't have more info in the beginning.

I've got to say that you've got very good insight about how GGs feel and what you say is entirely true. A woman can feel the difference between a man who is passionately into her, and someone who is doing the deed while thinking of something else.

And yes, it is possible to have sex with someone but have it feel as if they are still disconnected.

[Stephenie S]

Thank you, Reine.

Stephenie

[docrobbysherry]

But dear, I am a woman.S

And, I'm definitely NOT a women! However, I still notice a wide range of excitement and intensity in orgasms. As far as masturbation goes, my shower quickies r just that. Or, they don't happen at all. They depend on mental images.

As Sherry, without the details, I'll just say they take much longer and r more intense! Both visual and mental images r involved.

My last attempts with GGs did not result in climax. I think lack of previous intimate experience with them may have an issue for me? I never have used mental images when I'm with someone. Even with my ex.

[Alice Torn]

I agree very much with TGMarla.

[Foxglove]

Ironic, isn't it, that we are bombarded with sexual images from a young age, yet often tend to have sex in the dark.

Perhaps that's because very few of us come even close to matching the images we're bombarded with.

[GingerLeigh]

If the only way you can get interested in sex with your wife is though dressing, your wife will feel like a toy instead of the object of your desire. She will understandably not want you to dress and will press you to see if you still find her desirable. If you are in a straight monogamous relationship (only like the ladies), there may be something else at play. Like others said before, the crossdressing is a crutch to get you "interested" in sex and you have since lost the desire for your wife for other reasons. Find out what that is and rectify it before it is too late.

Just my thoughts, I could be all wet on this....

Ginger

[Silentpartner GG SO]

My understanding of the situation is that your wife doesnt know about your dressing, you want to have sex more regularly with your wife and you want her to dress up sexy etc.

I'm thinking that secretly you would like to have sex with your wife whilst you are dressed but because this is out of the question you are trying to live that fantasy vicariously by trying to get your wife to dress for sex the way you would like really to dress yourself.

I could be wrong but that's the way I'm reading this..

[Eryn]

I'm far from an expert, but one thing that has not really been addressed here is the differing views of sex. Men tend to focus on the act while women seem to view it in a much broader sense of the whole experience of being intimate with another person. This experience might start well before the bedroom is entered. Perhaps it would be best not to worry about the act so much and concentrate on what it is that makes your wife happy. If she's happy, the rest will likely fall into place.

Concerning the thread title, I don't even think that I can compare the two. It's like comparing apples to motorcycling. Without a common basis of comparison how does one judge which is better?

[muzzy]

Yes,i seem to have more pleasure with myself xoxo

[GinaM]

My understanding of the situation is that your wife doesnt know about your dressing, you want to have sex more regularly with your wife and you want her to dress up sexy etc.

I'm thinking that secretly you would like to have sex with your wife whilst you are dressed but because this is out of the question you are trying to live that fantasy vicariously by trying to get your wife to dress for sex the way you would like really to dress yourself.

I could be wrong but that's the way I'm reading this..

NOPE. I find my wife very attractive and I love when she gets dressed up for me. It makes the experience that much better. My wife dresses really conservatively so when she gets dolled up it's just absolutely AWESOME. I'm attracted to my wife and I don't have a fantasy where I would get dressed up as would she. Crossdressing is a very small part of my life and as things with it started getting stronger this past week I have no desire at all to dress. It's something that comes and goes and sometimes it goes for months and/or years. This isn't something I do everyday or every week.

[AberdeenQueen]

I was in the same boat... My wife knew but didn't agree or allow any CD behavior. She was a great spouse in every single other way and I loved her like crazy for 17 years, till she passed away of cancer at 52. So now I will not have a relationship again without their buyin. Any woman balks at it, she's just not for me. The best sex I evr had, what I call "Oh my GOD sex" was with a man, dressed up. It makes all the difference in the world to be dressed and be with someone who knows how to turn a man on. It has been extreemely rare in my life and may still be in the future because I will be very very safe and slow, making friends before things get wild... I'm in no rush and still "in the closet" with a 16 YO daughter at home. She wants to go to pre med and so will be moving out for her 1st year of college, then I can "Take a CD roomate" or whatever... for a free-er lifestyle. But till she finishes HS and doesn't have to be in my face, I don't want to chance the bare naked truth with her. I still have a tremendous amount of freedom, relatively speaking. I can plan parties in my RV at a local park from time to time, when she is sleeping over a friends house for total anomonity from neighbors, etc... But I am not surprised... Sex was the only compatability issue with my wife because of the CD rub. And I can see her point of view also... People can be afraid of what they don't understand. If she really understood it, she would be allot less tense and accepting I bet.

Yeah, I agree. But I couldn't get my wife to get dressed up without her getting very tense... and I loved her so, I just let it go. Not such a big deal... there are so many facets to the relationship, so the sex wasn't outstanding... everything else was.

[ReineD]

NOPE. Crossdressing is a very small part of my life and as things with it started getting stronger this past week I have no desire at all to dress. It's something that comes and goes and sometimes it goes for months and/or years. This isn't something I do everyday or every week.

Maybe it's the Venus & Mars thing, but I don't understand why you prefer sex while dressed alone, to sex with your wife if the CDing is only a small part of your life. Sex is a pretty big facet of any relationship, especially when a husband decides to focus his sexual energy outside of the relationship with his wife.

If your wife's libido has dwindled, maybe it is because she feels the disconnect. At the very least you need to talk to her about what's going on else I can't see the situation improving.

She was a great spouse in every single other way and I loved her like crazy for 17 years, till she passed away of cancer at 52.

I'm sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with both you and your daughter.

But I've got to say, (and maybe I don't get it because it's another Venus & Mars thing), you've lost your wife of 17 years and you say the best sex you ever had was with a man? And further you're planning now for the time when your 16 year old daughter is gone to take in a "CD roommate", and in the meantime you're planning parties in your RV when your daughter is away on sleepovers?

Honestly I wonder where your priorities are. At the least you might have kept the details of your sex life for another thread in which you did not discuss your wife's death or post about doing things behind your daughter's back.