Is crossdressing painful to me?

[GinaMarie]

"Every man creates his own hell," as said by many. Now really isn't a good time to talk about this but the reason I'm posting this is because I'm following up on my "fear of hostility" thread I made in my first month on the forums. Now I feel I have the same sense of "hostility" but in a different form. It feels as if the fear has implanted itself in my mind and it's painful, no matter what time of day it is or the situation I'm in. The fact that I'm almost 21 doesn't help either.

It really is that "backed-into-a-corner" situation I'm back in, and it's like that's happening much faster. I did buy the more expensive clothes from Victoria's Secret last week, increasing the hostility because I'm more likely for them to find out. No one in my ohana has questioned me about my crossdressing in a few days and obviously, most of them don't know yet. It's good that they've kept their mouths shut but it's going to have a bad ending and a negative impression on everybody and me personally. I wouldn't be surprised if this kind of news ends up on Facebook, because every single person I know will hate me.

What's worse, is that I cannot and will not see a psychologist because my family will know exactly what I'm discussing-- it could be my day, my frame of mind, or even my crossdressing. Fact is, I can never keep this hidden because I will blindly exploit who I really am. "It's important to know when you've been beaten." Guess which movie the quote is from.

I'm finished venting. How do I make my crossdressing feel less painful, so I don't feel guilty about it, if all this is real at all?

[Kate Simmons]

The first thing you need to do is talk about your feelings to someone and identify the issues. Once that happens, you can come up with a game plan to address these issues. If your family and extended family truly loves you, they will not be hostile but supportive.If they are not supportive, you may need to move on as you need the latitude to discover who you really are. I wish you well my friend.

[Karren H]

I remember the guilt..... Been a long time now but I do remember it. That was till I decided that I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. They don't like it... That's their problem. Not mine. Hate me for who I am and what I do in life not what clothes I like to wear. Your beating yourself up and assuming that everyone will hate you when they find out but that's a worst case scenario. And while its always good to plan for the worst.... It rarely ever is that bad... I don't know your situation...... But if your dependent on others for food and shelter then you have to either conform or become independent... Which is easy to say and harder to do but if you want something bad enough you can make it happen...

[Tracii G]

I remember the guilt..... Been a long time now but I do remember it. That was till I decided that I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. They don't like it... That's their problem. Not mine. Hate me for who I am and what I do in life not what clothes I like to wear. Your beating yourself up and assuming that everyone will hate you when they find out but that's a worst case scenario. And while its always good to plan for the worst.... It rarely ever is that bad... I don't know your situation...... But if your dependent on others for food and shelter then you have to either conform or become independent... Which is easy to say and harder to do but if you want something bad enough you can make it happen...

Very wise words.This pretty much sums it up.

[kimdl93]

You've already gotten some very good advice from Kate and Karren. All I can add is this. There is no reason to feel guilty. Cross dressing is not a crime. It may offend some people's sensibilities, but its not a moral or ethical shortcoming. Some of the people living with you may have prejudices against CDing and others may be more open minded. And if you feel that your secret is going to come out accidentally, then you need to start thinking about how to take control of the situation. So, either come out to those who will invevitably find out anyway, or find new living circumstances that will allow you the personal freedom you deserve.

[GinaMarie]

Reduce the thought of validation from others. It is what you want like and need. It isn't for others to hate you for. If they hate you because it this then they would hate you because you drive a Chevrolet instead of a Ford. I am meaning that people will judge things about others when they do not need to or should. Are they paying for the Chevrolet? Are they buying you make-up? Are they truely interested in you, or are they just needing something to yap about ? Well, we all find out what type of people that surround us when something comes up and friends are concerned for you. (i.e. sickness, good fortune, death, depression, financial problems, funny events, life choices,memorable times. Oh and least you not forget that, those go back the other way and how you treat others in those times as well) If they turn their backs, make hateful comments, well what does that tell you ? Does that mean that what you are going though is not valid or something very important? No, it means that they are not involved in your well being. Those that don't turn are the keepers. The ones that do turn on you are those that should be lost anyway. YOu will be fine. Don't hate them for what, or how they treat you. Just don't validate their ignorance. Sorry to have rammbled......

Let me see how much I can get out of your response... Why would people make unnecessary judgments against others? I don't care that you have a different car than the other guy. Depends on if you street race lol. I'd rather have people like me for what I am. I am not a criminal. I do have my own issues, like aspergers, as well as other stuff I'm going through. I tell others when I come out that I am not gay or bisexual, or I want to be a woman. No one in my high school days knows I crossdress, and if they're still around, would they be interested in it? The subject, yes. Roasting at a class reunion? Hell yeah! Humiliate the crap out of me.

What it really is, though, is that those close to me weren't actually there for me on a number of occasions (or as it seems). Instead of the ones that turn on me, I am the one that's lost.

On the last reply by kimdl93, I have no way of coming up with different circumstances with my health. Oh, God, this is way too much to absorb because my laptop screen keeps flickering on and off and I've been awake all night. If all the advice can be simplified, then I can understand what I'm getting out of this.

[Kathi Lake]

Advice simplified? OK, I'll try - even though I'm not a person of few words, normally.

The best simple advice I can think of is from Dr. Seuss, I believe:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

GinaMarie, love yourself. What you are doing is not wrong. That some see it that way is a pity, but it doesn't change it. Be the strong person you know you are - Asperger's be danged!

Kathi

[Rebecca Star]

I remember the guilt..... Been a long time now but I do remember it. That was till I decided that I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. They don't like it... That's their problem. Not mine. Hate me for who I am and what I do in life not what clothes I like to wear. Your beating yourself up and assuming that everyone will hate you when they find out but that's a worst case scenario. And while its always good to plan for the worst.... It rarely ever is that bad... I don't know your situation...... But if your dependent on others for food and shelter then you have to either conform or become independent... Which is easy to say and harder to do but if you want something bad enough you can make it happen...

Very wise words.This pretty much sums it up.

Nails it, or in Karren's case, shoots a massive slap shot and scores!

[Cynthia Anne]

I see lots of good advice above! Remember, It's hard to get anyone to like you or accept you until you like and accept yourself! Hugs!

[Stephenie S]

I always thought that people from Hawaii had a more relaxed attitude about gender. It sounds like I am dead wrong, huh?

S

[Karren H]

I always thought that people from Hawaii had a more relaxed attitude about gender. It sounds like I am dead wrong, huh?

S

Only when the person in question isn't a relative.... Apparently... And I thinks that's like a Samoan island or something....

[DonnaT]

You must remember, and if necessary, remind your family that ʻohana means family and in the traditional Hawaiian culture it emphasizes that family are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another.

Any teasing, humiliation, etc. is not what family does, but instead, they respect each others wishes, secrecy, and privacy.

The only way you are going to get past the fear and self inflicted pain, is to be open with your family. Start by explaining what ʻohana means, and then explain why you need for them to remember this.

Own yourself, be yourself: everyone else is already taken .

Also, there may be some lighthearted teasing, but do not let that get to you. Hopefully you can tell the difference from mean teasing and lighthearted teasing.

[Cheryl T]

I'm sure that many of us have felt as you do at your age.
You have to learn to accept yourself for who you are.

[RainyNightGirl]

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

Kathi

Kathi, I think I have found a new mantra and I also need to read more Dr Seuss. Thank you for sharing

Hugs
Natasha x

[GinaMarie]

You must remember, and if necessary, remind your family that ʻohana means family and in the traditional Hawaiian culture it emphasizes that family are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another.

Any teasing, humiliation, etc. is not what family does, but instead, they respect each others wishes, secrecy, and privacy.

The only way you are going to get past the fear and self inflicted pain, is to be open with your family. Start by explaining what ʻohana means, and then explain why you need for them to remember this.

Own yourself, be yourself: everyone else is already taken .

Also, there may be some lighthearted teasing, but do not let that get to you. Hopefully you can tell the difference from mean teasing and lighthearted teasing.

God, I do have some Hawaiian in my blood, so I don't have full knowledge about the culture. Anyway, some families do have internal conflicts amongst one another, particularly my mom's siblings, but I will not go into that. My mom does respect my privacy and has not revealed to anybody else that I am a crossdresser. They need to be as open-minded as possible. How to explain it without causing any uproar is hard, and that's why I have that fear, I suppose with my dad gone, it's harder. And timing is necessary; when to come out? I have no idea. Being myself is neither easy nor diffucult. I am now thinking of "Let Me Be Myself" by 3 Doors Down.

With my mentality, I do see things in black and white. Do I feel that I'm being teased in any way? If no one knows my secret, how do I know they're talking sh*t about me?

I always thought that people from Hawaii had a more relaxed attitude about gender. It sounds like I am dead wrong, huh?

S

Not really. Most people from Hawaii are more tolerant about gender. They don't see it in black and white (if that's true). Unless there's intolerance in school. They don't get into the subject of LGBT or at least that's how it was in my school days. I never came out to any of my friends in high school but I was close to being humiliated by other students one year when some guys wanted me to try on women's clothes. Thankfully I resisted and those sons of b*tches stopped there.

In the end, I can't let myself be backed into the corner, to the point where surrendering to my demons is the only way out. "God is on his side, not ours," says Jason Gideon in Criminal Minds, about a criminal "perverting God to justify murder." In contrast to said quote, it's really He is on my family's side, not mine. Religion doesn't help in this case because I'm more spiritual, and the true easy way out: accepting what I am and letting the family know all this. Be open-minded and don't do anything bad to myself if I'm "made." That's all I can do at this point, unless there's more I can do to keep a positive outlook on things.

[Lucy_Bella]

Most of the time the " Hell the man creates " is in his own mind. we all create our own environment just as we make the " bed we lay in " .. It's not what the Cding does for you always , it's what you do with the Cding .. How do you want to live your life ? is Cding something you can not live without doing ? are you willing to accept Cding as a whole or keep it secret only allowing a few trusted souls to share with you " the real you"..

There are so many ways a person can live with Cding.. Are you a T.S. ? Do you want to go full time to find out ? Experiment and find out where you fall in the " Gender Spectrum " You said you are only 21 , you have plenty of time to live a normal life outside of Cding before jumping into role you may not be sure is fit for you ..Take your time and seek professional help that will only discuss your visits with you unless you wish to have others involved.. Cding doesn't have to control your life ( easy for me to say hah !) ..

The only advise I can offer is take some of what everyone here has to offer and filter it out to what fits you best.. Some of us have been dealing with this issue for many years , I myself have been for over forty years alone..

Good Luck and best wishes..

[GinaMarie]

First and foremost, I'm not a TS, nor do I plan to become a woman. In fact, going full-time won't help me out. I've stayed in the closet the entire time. At some point I do want to experiment but portions of it are a one-way street. I might as well set myself up to see a psychologist, given what's happened to me in the past four/five years. All I can do to get one is lie to my family that I'm only seeing one to help get relief from my dad's passing last year. Keep it to visits only and my mom, and later get others involved.

I have more to explain but it's hot, it seems, and I need to give my computer and myself a break.

[Gillian Gigs]

Karren's comment, "I remember the guilt". I to remember the fear, and guilt. FDR said, "there is nothing to fear, but fear itself". How true, fear feeds on itself and grows as it keeps feeding. Guilt is not living up to others expectations, that have been placed on you. To stop the guilt stop living to their expectations, and living to your own. Yes, the is easier said than done. Your choice, and life is all about the choices that we all must make. Living to others expectations is like a dog chasing its tail. 1. it is pointless, 2. biting it only makes the dog mad, and the chasing continues, 3. most dogs never catch their tail, 4. it is hopelessly neurotic. And last of all, just as you meet their expectations, someone will go and change them, causing you to have to start all over again.

[Contessa]

I don't think I can add any more than Kate , Karren, and Kim but listen this above all to thy own self be true. You can do nothing to change others, you can only change yourself. It works the other way around to. The only way those who may change you is to change themselves. Tell them to look inward cause it isn't about you it is about them. Don't hurt because of anyone else's values. Think about this is it wrong to be a woman or just look like one. Think about this is it wrong to be a man or just not look like one. I don't know who said it but remember hearing "Hey I make this look good" Its not about you how others feel. So don't take what they say personally.

Luv always
Tess

[docrobbysherry]

Let me add some perspective, Gina. Which may be a waste of time. Because I probably wouldn't have listened to anything someone 60 had to say when I was your age!

It takes a long time to figure out who u r enuff to become comfortable and confidant within yourself. For some, that NEVER HAPPENS! It happened to me in my late 30's, but I'm STILL trying figure out where I'm going and why. And, still guilty about dressing.

Even tho a person's core values rarely change, u will most likely be a VERY DIFFERENT PERSON in a few years! Wait a few more, then, different again! U probably think I'm speaking nonsense? But, rite this down somewhere and read it in 10 years! THEN, you'll understand!

[Kathy4ever]

You should see a psycologist if you feel it will help. How will the family find out what your talking about unless you tell them. Psycologist are suppose to keep your secrets unless you are about to harm yourself or others. Whats the harm in crossdressing? It is not illegal and other than say the shockfactor it is not harming anyone. I use to feel guilty or just plain moody when I had to go back to drab mode. I don't feel guilty anymore but I get a little moody when I have to change back. Just do what makes you happy and just let your hair down and have some fun.

[GinaMarie]

I guess it doesn't matter how we express ourselves, as long as it's in a peaceful manner. So what if the rest of the family knows or not. They always want answers from me when I come from an appointment, albeit with my doctor or counselor. Why? Because I've lied to them (my family) in the past and I still do. Do I really want to talk to a psychologist, only for the family to overhear every word I say? I can't let that happen. The only way they can support me is to wait until I actually need it.