Keeping it a secret

[toni_62]

I told one ex-GF about my crossdressing and found out quick it was a mistake. I thought she was open minded and would still be my friend, but she was not at all interested in knowing that part of me or knowing me as Toni. I would like a GG friend, but don't see it as happening. I do date women nothing serious right now as it would not be fair to them if I was hiding my crossdressing from them. I even feel guilty hiding it from the ones I occasionally see. Quite a problem. As I have a date this weekend.

Wondering how others deal as it's somewhat stifling to not be able to have anyone really know me as Toni.

[cdtraveler]

That's a tough one. On one hand you need to be careful about what's shared with those you don't know that well - assuming of course you're concerned about potential work/social impact of your CDing life style getting made public, yet on the other hand if you're set on expressing Toni, I think honesty is always the best policy. Lastly,when dating I don't think it's wrong to be selective with what we share about ourselves until there is a chance for intimancy and mutual trust to develop and you both appear interested in investing more in the relationship and can make better judgements about each other. I may CD but it doesn't define all of me is kind of what I'm getting at.

Good Luck,

AMANDA

[kimdl93]

Well you misjudged your ex. As an ex she may really not be interested in being friends, regardless of whether you dess or not. That doesn't mean every person will spend the same way. Take each person asan individual , get to know their attitudes and take another shot when it seems appropriate.

Another thing you might consider is going out en femme and meeting GGs. You may not meet a love interest, but you're more likely to meet women who are open minded and curious about CDers.

[Cheryl T]

I had a situation like that. I was engaged and decided to tell her.
She handed the ring back and said, "I want a man, not a Freak".
Guess you know how that ended...

Well then I met my wife and you can guess how I handled it with her....yep, not a #$#@ word about it!!
Then she found out 10 years in...we talked and it was back into the closet...
Then I couldn't handle it anymore and luckily we were much more at ease with US and more secure in ourselves and she was open minded about it. Now she's my biggest supporter and things are better than ever. I got lucky....

[cindybabe]

Yes it can be tough toni,not many woman really understand, they think you are not a true male and scared about being with a freak.
I also told an ex about my secret and she freaked out,i finished with her and then when i met my wife my ex threated to tell her unless we got back together.So she didnt like my crossdressing but wanted me back
So before i knew my wife i gradually told her about how much i sometimes liked to wear womans clothes and we talked a lot to see what she was comfortable with.Its one of those things be your self and if a true woman really cares and was attracted to you in the first place it can work out

Cindy

[Nikki A.]

I've only had two "friends" that I told and had a bad reaction to it. One was a lesbian friend that I thought was open-minded another was a woman that I dated for a short time. I thought we had something going and I decided to be honest with her. She was not comfortable with it and I think a little intimidated.
Other than that it has been a kinda of an ok experience or at worse que sera sera. Of course its different to tell a friend rather than a mate.

[Kate Simmons]

Where any kind of relationship or even dating is concerned we have to be aware of the feelings and sensibilities of others. Not everyone is going to hold up to the revelation of us being a crossdresser, especially if the woman is looking for a man. Even with somewhat established relationships, news of this type can come down like a ton of bricks. When getting to know a person better it is best to work in leading questions to see their reaction before baring the whole enchilada. Putting yourself in the other person's place helps.

[Marleena]

Toni this is very common behavior. I agree with the others put you feelers out before revealing this side of you.

[DanaR]

One of the things about telling someone, is once it is told you are out.

Several years ago, I met at a TG convention a GG that was going though a similar situation with her SO; which had just told her that he was TG. The GG and I became friends via email and a few phone calls. Anyway after meeting this lady and hearing her story, I relayed the story to some GG's that I knew. What was interesting to me is the reaction that some of my friends had; which were mostly negative.

Anyway, I would think a test tale to tell some of these prospective dates wouldn't be too horrible of a thing. YMMV You could tell them about a female friend of yours, that met this great guy and she found out later that he was TG. She is a good friend and she asked you what you thought. At least something like this would give you an indication of how they thought about TG people.

[toni_62]

At the time this GG ex-GF and I were only talking by email semi regularly. She was somewhat of a long distance relationship living 70+ miles away and knowing none of my friends. She had met some of my family when we were dating seriously a couple of years ago.

She was my test subject to reveal this side of myself to. She always seemed the type that I thought would not freak out about this. She didn't freak but said she did not want to know me this way. She wanted no part of me as Toni. She has not contacted me since, where before she would email me out of the blue from time to time. The only people who have seen me dressed in person are one CD and two men. When I do dress I'm doing it for me, but at the same time would like to be able to dress and interact with someone who is not wanting to see me for just other things.

[Shannon C.]

I kept my crossdressing a secret for a long time. It ate at me made me feel that no one would ever accept me for who I am. I thought that if people ever knew my secret it would be the end of the world as I know it. Well it did come out and people found out. It was not the end of the world and I have since told close friends and family about this side of me. They have all been long time friends that I figured would accept me regardless of who I was on the outside. It has been one of the best moves that I've made in a long time and has brought me closer to the people in my life. Of course there are people that I don't tell because I do not feel that close or connected with them. I believe that there is a time and place to tell people and you will know when that time is right. I hope that you find someone that you can confide in that will be supportive of who you are and want to participate in someway.

[Noemi]

Hello Toni,

It takes allot of patience to intuit what to tell whom. I am a secret too. I have told a few people, two. One was a lesbian friend who just thought I should be gay and not worry about dressing up...?? One was a dear friend who was very accepting, he really loved me, but he unfortunately passed away from lung cancer, I miss him.

CD'ing is difficult for people to understand, takes us a long time to understand it too..

I mean we are here, amongst the normies, we all have a need to express our feminine sides. I must in order to feel comfortable. But it takes wisdom, and you have to really know you are a CD'er(a lifer LOL), and that you would like to continue dressing and that you would like the world to acknowledge you as your feminine self.

It has taken me many years to realize that this is me, I am Noemi. There is nothing that can be done about her, I can and have tried in vain to ignore her but she will not go away, ever.

It can be lonely, it is for me. I was working tonight looking at all the pretty out fits and short summer skirts on dancing women and how free the ladies are to express themselves with their bodies. One had on these 3" gold heels that were to die for..wishing I was one of them, out with the girls....or with my BF or husband...

I have two lives right now but am working on making it one. I would like to tell some others but will wait til I am ready to do that.

Still enjoying being Noemi, and am going to work on shaping my eyebrows tomorrow.

♥
Noemi

[toni_62]

Thanks for the responses and support. As as a man I'm not lonely, but my alter ego Toni is. I actually don't dress as often as I would like because of this. Someday maybe I can find someone to share with on a personal and interactive level.

[Foxglove]

Interesting thread, Toni. It's funny how we want to tell people. We want people to know what we are, we want to be accepted for what we are. Unfortunately, not everybody is as thrilled about the idea as we are.

Best wishes, Annabelle