Does crossdressing define you?

[CynthiaD]

I've read a lot of posts here about "coming out" to family and friends. I'm one of the ones who is NOT in favor of coming out, but my reasons for not doing so are somewhat different from those I've seen posted here.

I make little or no effort to hide my crossdressing, and I don't particularly care what others think of me. For me, these things are not the issue.

It seems to me that when you tell someone you're a crossdresser or transgendered, then suddenly, that's the only thing you are. But crossdressing does not define me. I am a lot of other things besides being a crossdresser, and ultimately these other things are much more important.

I am out to a number of people, but the only one I told directly was my wife. The others have found out by accident. I don't ever bring up the subject myself. If someone else brings it up, usually say that I don't think it's all that important, and let it go with that.

That's not to say that crossdressing is not important to me. It is, or I wouldn't be on this forum. But it's important to me in the same way that having two hands is important. I love having two hands, and I would go to great lengths to keep them. But if I lost one, I would still be the same person.

What are your thoughts?

[Cari]

It defines part of me - most who found out or were told have known me a long time so I didnt end up in that "only" thing box.
There is a period of time thats awkward after someone finds out but after awhile things go back to normal.
It took me over 30 years to get comfortable with it, in most cases I'm amazed at how quickly people accept it when they find out.

The exception for me is within the community - there is a tendancy for everyone to protect their identity.
There are so many wonderfull people that I only know from their CD side.
Its so much easier to talk to a stranger in a dress, than someone you know :-)

[KellyJameson]

I think you have a very healthy relationship with yourself and for those able to follow you set an excellant example.

[Melissa Rose]

There a lot of characteristics or label that define you. For example, your physical sex, sexual orientation, age, race, education level, occupation, martial status, appearance, car you drive and where you live are all used by others to define you. What is really important is whether you allow those definitions to determine and significantly dictate who you are. Own the definitions, not the other way around.

[Karren H]

What I do in life defines me.... Not what I wear....

[Nikki A.]

I agree with Karen on this one. The people who know my other side don't treat me any differently after they understand where I'm coming from. But I do find that my one co-worker (only female that works here, & yes, she knows and has been out with Nikki ) does sometimes ask my opinion on decidedly female subjects (makeup, hair etc).

[Ria]

Sure crossdressing defines all of us to a degree but it shouldn't be ALL we're about. That would make a person boring and possibly fanatical IMO.

Because "we become what we think about most of the time" (Earl Nightengale) we need to be careful about what we think about. Crossdressing is so much fun and feels so good but if I let myself never leave the house to pursue other meaningful interests I would not get very far in life. As a fully functioning male, husband, father etc I must keep the balance in check. Sometimes a hard thing to do for the things we really like hey!

[TGMarla]

No, I'd not say it "defines" me. I hope there's a bit more to me than just that. It is, however, an element of my own personal narrative that is important to me. I wish more people in this world were open-minded enough to understand that without the usual prejudices that go along with it. When I'm all dressed up, I suppose at that time it does define me for those moments. Otherwise, I'm busy living my life.

[Cynthia Anne]

My attitude is that this is me and I live the way I want so I tell no one anything unless they ask! I don't hide from anyone but I don't flaunt myself either!

[Wildaboutheels]

Not at all.

But then again, I am one of "those" people rowing one of the tiny one man boats. They are just clothes and ONLY clothes to me. Clothes that "most" people think a man should not wear.

"Society" has a lot of things wrong with it IMO, so I stopped concerning myself with the "opinion of the masses" long ago.

[Kate Simmons]

The person that I am is the most important part. How I look outside is a reflection of that.

[Veronica27]

The primary definition of define is "to determine or identify the essential qualities or meaning of". Crossdressing is but one of many diversions that I enjoy, so I can hardly consider it to be an essential quality. I am a white, Anglo-Saxon, Canadian, right-handed, married, heterosexual senior citizen. Any of these are a more essential part of who I am than my occasional crossdressing.

An interesting sidelight to this discussion is the origin of "define". From the Merriam Webster site, it comes from the Latin "de" meaning "down from, off, utterly" + "finire" meaning "to limit, end, from "finis" boundary, end". I am not sure how to apply this to the question of crossdressing defining a person, but it would seem that it could only define us negatively, i.e. we never crossdress, or positively, i.e. we crossdress constantly, all the time, in which case transgendered would probably be more applicable.

Veronica

[kimdl93]

The fact that I'm out to some family, friends and neighbors adds one element to the various dimensions of who I am. If for some individual they now see me only as TG or CD...that's their problem.

[suchacutie]

Ok...I'm transgendered. That does define a part of me. I'm a violinist, and that defines another part. I'm a chemist and that defines another part. And so forth. As Karren said, it is what we do that defines us.

As an aside, I don't see that what we wear necessarily defines our transgenderism. I'm transgendered no matter which gender I'm presenting. The choice of clothing is a part of the decision to present one gender or the other, so clothing follows gender presentation, not the other way around.

Lastly, Cynthia, your grasp of your life is so terrific! Congratulations!!!

[Stephanie47]

The only person who truly knows I like to wear woman's clothing is my wife. She knows who I am in totality. Others know who I am within a particular community. In those relationships I have been defined in a very positive manner. I've been married forty plus years and all the in-laws define me positively. I worked at the same job for over thirty years and was defined positively. I've lived in my house for thirty plus years and have neighbors who pre-date me in the neighborhood. In my community I am defined positively for what I contribute. None know I cross dress. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened, if I my cross dressing became known. Would that little nuance of mine negate all those years of positive interaction? I would hope it would not. However, I know how some people talk about others behind their backs, that I would be the butt of some unfavorable comments or jokes. Why? Because they are prejudice against any group who is different than them.

I do not present as a cross dresser to anyone, including my wife. Cross dressing is part of my very private life, because I choose to keep it that way. Cross dressing relieves stress. It brings me peace and tranquility.

[Dana921]

I do not believe activities define us, they may or may not be a big part of who we are, but I think most of us would like to believe we are more than what one activity would make us be known for.

[PretzelGirl]

I think it defines a part of me. We are people that have a variety of characteristics and interests. To ever say that one thing ever totally defines a person ignores everything else about them. But to say it defines some part of them is true in that it identifies one of the components of that person. I don't want anyone to look at me and only think about me being a crossdresser any more than I want them to look at me and only think about me being a bowler, or another employee at work, or so on.

I am a compilation of many things and they all define me.

[Foxglove]

I think that my TGism has defined me to a great extent most of my life--and in a very negative way because I spent far too many years trying to deny it and repress it. Crossdressing was something I brooded about, became obsessed with, without actually doing it. I finally decided that was rather stupid.

These days I'm dressing a lot because I work from home, and I think that for right now, it's probably the central fact about me. But I don't think it will always be that way. I'm still carrying on with what I've always done, and I'm beginning to get used to being dressed. There was one GG on this forum who stated recently that she rarely thinks about her gender. I think it may come to be that way with me. I'll gradually get used to the idea that I'm TG, and then it will become one more factor along with many others about me.

Annabelle

[NicoleScott]

For my ex-wife, crossdressing defined me, but only after she found out. Before that, I was much more.
For me here on the forum, crossdressing pretty much defines me.
There are some crossdressers still here, right? Sometimes I wonder.

[Kaz]

I have for a lot of years being putting more and more energy into work. I work 24/7 - not all the time obviously, but I do not switch off. I work when and where and how I can and I also sleep in when I can, grab recreation when I can etc... I have no set office hours... I just have commitments. Sometimes I need to be in a certain place at a certain time with certain people to do a certain 'thing'... the rest of the time I have choices over when, how and so on... Does my work define me? And I do lots of different work... do specific roles define me?

In a discussion about workload, my wife recently said that I need more hobbies.... I thought about this before responding... I said I have hobbies! I play guitar... in three (well now 2 really) rock bands... and then I got stuck. The problem I have is that being a guitar player isn't a hobby - it is something I do and I do it with passion. So does being a guitar player define me?

So does CD define me? Not in itself, is the answer, but it has helped me (along with everything else I love doing) to figure out who the hell I am! The trouble is then articulating this to people.

So at the next big event when someone says... and what do you do?

"Hi, I'm Kaz... I crossdress"?????????????????????????????

I guess it doesn't define me... but it is an integral part of who I am.

[sometimes_miss]

It doesn't define me 'to me', but to the general public, when they find out you're a crossdresser, it's the first thing that they use to define you, because it stands out in their minds as something that makes you significantly different from everyone else. It may not be right, but very often that's how it is.

[Kaz]

In my other life, I have a facebook site that I started for the music side of my life and some old friends that I was trying to get back in touch with, but then of course my students were finding it and wanting to be friends and suddenly it snowballed! Now many of my students see me not as a typical college teacher, but a rock guitarisst who tours and does local gigs too!

How do they define me? BTW they don't know about the CD side!..... I hope!

How we define others is based on our perception, sometimes supported by evidence but usually not. It is the basis of most of our prejudices and rules our lives. The ability to 'suspend judgement' for me is a true virtue... and one to be snowballed to everyone...

So yes... the bigots will jump on the labels as they ever have. This is why I am 'sort of in the closet'... a very few know, but I do not proclaim... not in my interest!

[Debglam]

I agree with the idea that my gender and gender identity are not the sole definition of who I am. For a lot of us wrestling with this stuff all of our lives it becomes a big part (maybe a huge part) of our identity but IMHO, I think the ultimate goal is just to make it a proportional piece of who we are. That is my goal. After all, how many GG's do you know whose sole, or even primary identity is their gender?