I don’t know – why post ANYTHING?

[Frédérique]

[SIZE="2"]“Was it something I said?” (title of a song by OMD)

When you think of it, this must be the most difficult type of discussion forum around. I mean, here we are, representatives of nearly every variation of crossdressing, thrown together to allegedly “talk” about our mutual compulsion, lifestyle, approach to alternative existence, or what have you. Is it possible to do so? What on Earth can you have in common with me, except perhaps the type of clothing, underwear, makeup or wigs that define who we are? Beyond such obvious similarities, is genuine discussion in the cards for such a wide-ranging community?

It’s difficult for me to post anything relevant to YOUR personal issues, mainly because I don’t really know you, and I can’t get sufficiently close to you. In these curious circumstances, words are very important, and, if you seek help from other members, perhaps dealing with a sticky CD issue, you may need MANY words to describe the situation. Posting a thread on this site is like getting up before everyone and pleading one’s case, either for answers, or understanding, or perhaps you’re just making a declaration of some sort. Of course, some threads are lighthearted, but many more are very serious and deserve serious attention...

Speaking of attention, I recently read a well-reasoned thread of serious length, written by a friend of mine. This is the type of thread (or post) where someone is describing the ongoing struggle to deal with transgendered issues. This is serious stuff, and it will either strike a chord with other individuals who are engaged in their own struggle, or it will be too difficult to penetrate, let alone respond to with any semblance of understanding. Like I said, words are important, and it takes time and effort to express one’s thoughts in such highly emotional language. It’s more like, “I just gotta SAY this...” rather than, “Can you help me?” Nothing’s better left unsaid, so they say...

The abovementioned thread was, as I said, lengthy and full of emotion. However, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when another member felt it necessary to quote the entire thing and then write “How long did it take you to write all this?” To quote Daffy Duck: “Thanks for the sour persimmons, cousin!” How long did it take for YOU to respond so inadequately? A minute? Less? I just shake my head, and I’m left with the title of this particular thread: I don’t know - why post ANYTHING? Why bother pouring out your heart if few people care? Obviously, several people do (or did) care, but I’m continually amazed at these insensitive replies to very serious issues...

I should explain that I’m not seeking help from the membership – I’m comfortable and “settled” within my little CD/TV sphere, or whatever descriptive term is trending this week. That being said, I expect callous replies to my threads or posts from time to time, but I’m largely dealing with peripheral issues and not my own lifelong battle with gender specificity. It would be wrong for me to comment on one’s spousal or familial relationships, so I stay out of it. Also, I’m not GOING anywhere, riding my crossdressing towards a pre-determined destination, so I can’t insert a comment into your emotional harangue. I DO wear women’s clothing for pleasure, so I can reinforce your joy of crossdressing in some small way, but only if I use the right words...

I guess what I’m trying to say is that crossdressing is a difficult subject for discussion, and few will agree with YOUR “take” on something so personal. We all came to this point via different routes, emerging at different rates into the sunshine we hoped to find. I used to be very naïve – I thought all crossdressers would LOVE what they do, and they would express their euphoria in words. How silly of me. It’s a colossal struggle for some, 24/7, and I must seem like a pink cupcake by comparison. Still, I feel the need to write about something so precious, for doing so verifies my existence in some way. There’s nowhere else to go, truth be told, but have you ever considered just how long some of these wordy expressions have waited for a platform, or an audience, or a blank space to fill with one’s innermost yearnings?

I started to write a couple of threads during the past week, but I abandoned them after I saw the abovementioned “How long did it take you to write this?” post. It took a LIFETIME to write it, my friend, my fellow crossdresser, or my fellow transgendered individual – how about responding in kind, with sincerity and gentleness? Is that too much to ask for? The author may not require a response at all, but a pat on the back or a squeeze of the hand, via a “Good post...” reply goes a long way. Some of us are trying to feel better about what we do, even though we may not fully understand the whys and wherefores of MtF crossdressing – we’re in the wilderness, somewhere out in No Man’s Land, and a beacon of hope (or, dare I say...love) would be very reassuring...

Have you ever wondered if it’s worth posting anything at all? Lurking may be a better choice at times...

PS – I apologize for the “tone” of this thread, but I haven’t been feeling well lately. I’ll be better soon, I promise. I’m writing this as a form of physiological therapy...

PPS - I see that the post I referred to has been summarily removed, so that's good... [/SIZE]

[Jolene Robertson]

Frederique, I read most of your posts and enjoy them, they are well thought out and articulated. I usually do not respond because I lack your finesse in putting my thoughts in print. Thanks for your insight, you do speak volumes for a lot of us who are not that different than you.

Hugs
Jolene

[Jeanna]

Good post! I want to thank you for writing it. I was raised to be kind and accepting of others.With that said,I have been guilty of posting something dumb only to realize it later on. In my opinion many responses to serious threads are hurtful to the op or sometimes the even get argumentative. But it is what it is. I have to take the good with the bad in all facets of life and the forum is no different. The mods do a good job (even though I get deleted sometimes lol). When we post or start a thread, it's almost impossible not offend someone. It's almost funny that people trash other peoples beliefs and feelings in the entire forum except in the photo section. Nothing but kind words there. Is that because we feel that we are face to face with that person?
For what it's worth, I read many threads where I just don't have a good response so I just read and think about it. I don't mean to lurk but I learn something everyday from reading the posts.

I really think we should all think before we speak or when replying to the forum.
Love that Tangerine Dream

[vickyheels]

I have just joined this wonderfull site,It took me quite a while to find a forum where i could feel at home.
most of the other sites i found (Not all) were centered around the sexual side of life, look at how short my skirt is, can you see my knickers do you want to meet and have sex.
Basically its porn that is not what I was looking for. My reasons for joining a forum was to talk to people that were like me, to know that I was not alone in this world.
Yes we all have different problems, different things we struggle with but at the end of the day we all need someone to talk to, if someone is feeling down I try to give support if they are happy and excited about
something they have acheived then I express that I am happy for them.
I hope they would do the same for me, yes you will get negative comments, it happens, some people think its not a big deal some people just don't think before they post.
"Why post anything" For me its the only way I have to reach and talk to other people who may have some understanding what I'm going through.

[suzy1]

A thought provoking thread freddy.

I sometimes see it as posting on two levels. The light hearted fun post which is a big part of being here, yes?
And then the important serious post. Replying to a member that has a real worry or problem and your heart goes out to them and you just want to help in some way.

So for both these reasons I think it is worth posting.

I do read and appreciate your posts Freddy and hope you feel better soon.

Hug from, SUZY

[Beth-Lock]

Right on, Frederique! But despite all the emotional cacaphony, I find an extraordinary amount of useful, and even affirming information gets entered on the record here on this site, information too specialized to find quickly or at all, anywhere else, even in the mind of the professionals one will inevitably consult in one's journey. One professional did say that when an org gets past socializing into peer mentoring, they fear serious damage can be done from getting your advice from people untrained in the pitfalls and nuances of talking therapy, which is both a delicate matter and one requiring a large enough knowledge base and maturity of clinical experience. So, what I do when smarting under the advice some other windbag cannot help themselves from forcing on me, or even downright belittling insults, is I retreat into lurking for a while, and swear off further involvment with this site. But I always seem to come back after a while, as time heals the cries ringing in my ears of others calling me 'extremely foolish,' 'crazy,' 'a troll,' or whatever. I guess it is all in the journey.

[SweetNikki]

Thank You Frederique

I understand what you are saying i had a response to one of my posts last night which total upset me. I know you will get the odd post which will make you think or touch a nerve but some just miss the point entirely . I did think about not posting a thread again but seeing your post had made me think again thank you hugs Nikki

[STACY B]

The only thing that gets me about this whole thing is WE are still the same people ,,,Have the same problems an faults ,, Dreams ,, An on,,on,,on,,So the only difference is we do it in girls clothes sometimes . But ya cant exspect to get along with everyone ,, An if you do exspect that your a fool ,, But with the trans issues all we can do is show our support an try an help out as much as we can ,,You know we are dealing with the most powerful thing on earth ,,, Hormones !! So sometimes its a losing battle ,,To try an make sense out of something that makes no sense ,,, LOL,,,

[Cynthia Anne]

Family members should stick together! Afterall we are all sisters! This forum is like the family I never had! I should never speak ill of you because we are sisters! Many of our thoughts are the same and I feel like I'm talking to someone who will understand and listen to me! I do not have to agree with you all the time, but this doesn't give me the right to be mean to you! I'm glad I'm here because I have someone to share with! And sharing with my sister is something I feel very speacial about! I'm sending you this rose sister hopeing it cheers you up and you start feeling better real soon!

[Kate Simmons]

Indeed, I wonder all the time about this Freddy. I will confess I haven't always read your threads, but after reading this one I will from now on. I'm not really sure why I stay here but as you say it's difficult enough sometimes to put our feelings about this into words. Suffice it to say I generally recognize when someone needs a friend to talk to or a sympathetic ear as the personal struggle can be tedious at best at times. If something I say can make someone's day just a little bit better, I figure it's worth the effort. Carry on my friend.

[ronda]

Freddy thank you for your post i do enjoy reading them as i do read most of them. The post that you speak of was enlitening and insperational to me Hugs Ronda

[Alice Torn]

Freddy, I can sure understand another reason you may not be feeling well. The heat wave this year, has been taxing on all- crops failing, too little water for animals, fish, wildlife in general, and humans, and even crossdressing seems a major chore, unless there is air conditioning! This very serious drought, in 26 states. Sometimes, i just read certain posts that interest me most, sometimes, i feel a need to post, other times, i see someone elsr already made my point, so i refrain. Whoever said it was easy? LOL. Life is getting tougher, I see, and Cding is affected by the dead economy, weather, emotions, hormones, diet, alcohol, exercise. Lonliness is a HUGE issue for us loners, and singles, and those married to non tolerant mates. It is so hard to have in person face to face relationships nowdays! This forum,, and maybe Facebook, are about all there is for some.

[TGMarla]

I saw the post to which you were referring. I thought similar thoughts as yours. I'm glad, though, that you took the time to put to the pen and point it out. It's a valid point, and really did need saying, in my humble opinion. I mean, sheesh! Why quote the whole darn thing to begin with? And then she comes back with that? Why bother at all?

I suppose we all post things to gain some kind of validation for what we do, what we say, and what we feel. The very least we can do, if we're so inclined to respond in any way, is supply that validation in either a positive or a negative way, but also in a well-reasoned and intelligent way.

You just keep being you, Freddy. You make this place better.

[Beverley Sims]

I usually post my thoughts at the time of replying.
This way I get the focus on the present thread only, and not my feelings overall.
They become rather clouded at times.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I think Frederique has basically described...what I think of as the difference between: "applied trannies" and "theoretical trannies". Or maybe "feeling trannies" and "doing trannies" though that isn't exactly a good description either. You might think of an applied tranny as a "less talk, more action" sort of person, more concerned with how one deals with transness on a day to day basis rather than philosophy or wondering "why" they are trans.

Veronica

[Krististeph]

Is it possible to do so? What on Earth can you have in common with me, except perhaps the type of clothing, underwear, makeup...

Human brains generally have the same structure- we generally grow up in the same kind of school- have crushes, get jobs etc. But i understand you in that we all have differences in the lesser things, and helps differentiate our individual viewpoints and outlooks.

Sure, if you narrow it down to only CD related stuff, the mutual past experiences will thin out. But to me, the point of socializing in this forum is the share not only CD related stuff, but how it affects you in the non-CD world as well.

That said- part of my problem was that I was fairly advanced for my age- brought up by grandparent-aged parents who did not dumb down to me. At school, most people thought i was trying to be elitist or something, but I just had the benefit of parents with lots more experience than theirs. I enjoyed the intellectual side of things much younger than my peers.

So too I might suggest that this is the reason you get flamed sometimes here- you really dig deep into the CD phenomenon, and some folks don't want to consider things beyond a certain point of complexity or meaning.

In these curious circumstances, words are very important, and, if you seek help from other members, perhaps dealing with a sticky CD issue, you may need MANY words to describe the situation. Posting a thread on this site is like getting up before everyone and pleading one’s case, either for answers, or understanding, or perhaps you’re just making a declaration of some sort.

Also sounds like brainstorming, perhaps?

...felt it necessary to quote the entire thing and then write “How long did it take you to write all this?” To quote Daffy Duck: “Thanks for the sour persimmons, cousin!” How long did it take for YOU to respond so inadequately? A minute? Less?

Now this I understand and agree with! A lengthy post should have a decent reply- on or near the subject, a paragraph or two at the least.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that crossdressing is a difficult subject for discussion, and few will agree with YOUR “take” on something so personal.

Again- I see a big part of these replies is not so much for actual solutions, but as brainstorming, where the variety of responses might help one look at things from a previously unconsidered point of view

I started to write a couple of threads during the past week, but I abandoned them after I saw the abovementioned “How long did it take you to write this?” post. It took a LIFETIME to write it,

NICE analogy! Very kung fu! J

Have you ever wondered if it’s worth posting anything at all? Lurking may be a better choice at times...

I delete about a third of my replies before finishing- when I realize that I might not be helping things, or the tone might be wrong, guess it takes a willingness to critique one’s self. Fortunately, in most people this can be cultivated if one tries.

(Time: 25 minutes; deleted paragraphs: 2 )

[Marleena]

Very timely thread for me Freddy! Lately I've been deleting posts, not sending after I've typed them and wondering what the heck is the point anymore? The last two days have been the worst for me as I made 2 mistakes that upset the major powers here.

One was a funny picture I posted to a friend as a joke but only caused me grief since I was told it was nasty and cruel. I was told it might have violated copyright rules too. Then I posted a reply to a friend in the same light hearted manner she does, only to realize it might be taken wrong. So I deleted it and apologized to my friend just in case it was offensive to her. Words can be misinterpreted in a forum as well as intention.

I think anybody that knows me well enough knows I am not malicious or cruel to the members here. In fact I've mde a point of protecting people from the anti-cd rhetoric. I only heard the bad that I had done, but that's okay.

So I'm really gun shy and wondering why I bother if I only hear about the mistakes I've made.

[Anne2345]

Hi Freddy! I just gotta know - how long did it take you to write this thread OP? As for that other thread you made reference to, I bet that one did take some time to compose. And maybe even an edit or two! But until seeing that post (gosh it was long - it took me forever just to read through the entire thing), I didn't think it was possible for another member to make your post seem short by comparision.

Oh how I wish I had it within me to quote the entirety of your thread OP in this response! But I just . . can't . . . quite . . do . . . it . . . . D'OH!!!

Love,

Anne

[Heather Daniels]

For the past few weeks, every single post of mine, has been deleted before submission. I too wonder..."whats the point". Part of the reason may be my own internal struggles with this aspect of my life. Some have been deleted because I felt that I may have come across as being bitchy towards the OP ( and Ive had many deleted by mods for that reason). Another reason is that sometimes I just dont feel the OP is sincere in their questions ( or the question is genuinely silly... what color panties should I wear). There's an awful strong odor of sugar and spice on this forum and I'm usually not the kind of person that sugarcoats things. I prefer to tell it like it is. I think everyone deserves the truth, but the truth sometimes is seriously lacking here.
I'll just go sit back in my corner and lurk for the time being.

[Beth-Lock]

Very timely thread for me Freddy! I only heard the bad that I had done, but that's okay....So I'm really gun shy and wondering why I bother if I only hear about the mistakes I've made.

I suspect from something a friend here said, that even successful, active posters get some of their contributions deleted and/or critisized occasionally. If we try to express ourselves freely enough to be interesting, it happens. On the other hand, a moderator I argued with pointed out she had deleted some nasty responses of others, to one of my controversial posts. So, I guess it cuts both ways.

So, don't take it to heart too much.

[Marleena]

I suspect from something a friend here said, that even successful, active posters get some of their contributions deleted and/or critisized occasionally. If we try to express ourselves freely enough to be interesting, it happens. On the other hand, a moderator I argued with pointed out she had deleted some nasty responses of others, to one of my controversial posts. So, I guess it cuts both ways.

So, don't take it to heart too much.

Thanks Beth!

Yes, possibly I just disappointed with bad judgement. That makes me human, humans make mistakes.

[Foxglove]

I started to write a couple of threads during the past week, but I abandoned them after I saw the abovementioned “How long did it take you to write this?” post. It took a LIFETIME to write it, my friend. . .

Excellent, Freddy. Right on the money. Sometimes we have trouble talking to others because our words come from a lifetime of experience, and as they've not had our experience, they can't possibly know where we're coming from, and they can't begin to understand us.

Which is where you come to a division among people: some will understand that they're having trouble understanding you for the above reason. If they don't have your experience, they've got enough of their own to know what experience means. So they'll treat what you say with respect. They'll think about it, they'll ask questions if they need to. Others won't understand and they won't understand why they don't understand. So they can be disrespectful. Whatever experience they've had in life, it hasn't taught them the value of experience.

Just a few days ago I saw an extremely disrespectful reply to an OP. That sort of thing reflects on the one replying, not on the OP. People who try to make others look bad usually make themselves look bad.

Why post? Because we need. We all need. We never stop needing. We can't help it. It's the way we are. When we're faced with someone else's need, we do for them what we can. If we can't do anything, we pass on by, leaving it to others who can answer that need. Rarely does a need fail to get some sort of answer.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[kimdl93]

Don Henley introduced 'Heart of the Matter' saying it took 40 years to write and 4 minutes to sing. Please disregard comments like, "how long....". It doesn't matter if someone objects to the length or depth of your posts, and it really doesn't matter if your particular theme resonates with one person, a hundred or a thousand. Those who take the time to read and contemplate will gain some insights into the human condition, just as we would from reading an essay from Thomas Freidman, Russ Douhat, Martin Luther King, Ernest Hemingway or any of a billion other strangers that happen to share a few common interests, habits, or concerns with us.

And as Stephen King said in his neat little book on writing, each writer ultimately writes for themselves, not for an audience of one or a million. It is, like cross dressing a form of self expression.

[KellyJameson]

Sorry that you are not feeling well Frédérique and hope it is the heat that is gripping much of the country and not something to serious.

Within the words others write you often can sense the pain they are in. Pain often makes us feel vulnerable and we become trapped by looking toward and needing others for comfort and release while sometimes needing to hide the very pain we seek freedom from.

This leaves us with needing tenderness but on guard and ready to attack at a moments notice. Everyone has been injured in some way and so we become the walking wounded while pretending everything is perfectly fine.

This is particularly true for those who have been indoctrinated into becoming living symbols of manhood (rub some dirt on it ) and so must turn their backs on ever
feeling weak (vulnerable to others) in their own minds.

This thinking is further reinforced by others who what to keep the man a unfeeling machine that can be driven to perform the unpleasant tasks of life freeing others to remain fully human.

On this forum I see the tension caused by many trying to rediscover their humanity because their sensitivity (decency) demands it, but bumping up against the indoctrination of their childhood into unfeeling robots.

Just as in the Wizard of Oz often the robot (Tin Man) is the one who has the biggest heart but also finds it the most difficult to express because he is convinced he does not have a heart.

It is rare to see unadulterated power displayed as a vicious attack on this forum because those who embrace this type of power would be repelled by those who participate in this forum like oil and water always separate, the cruel are repelled by those who are kind.

What you see displayed sometimes is that awkward type of hugging men do with the quick slap on the back or stiff embrace but expressed through words.

This uniquely male characteristic has always endeared men to me because they are trying to show tenderness while staying tuff often with funny results. A man is often
most transparent to others when he is trying to hide from himself.

Humor is what divides the sexes not their gentials.

I always try to move slowly and must see a pattern of intentional cruelty before I draw any conclusions because there is a world of difference between someone who enjoys hurting others and someone who is trying to feel safe and loved so hurts others because of the pain they are in or simply because they are caught between
old roles and habits that are falling away as they learn to feel and express those feelings again.

To be a man is to live between the paradox of having freedom in the outer world but not the inner world.

We all need to give and receive the gift of patience as we fumble through this messy thing called life. We have a duty to protect ourselves but also an equal duty to protect others not only from themselves but from us.

We are all bound together in our common pains even when this pain is different for each of us, we sink or swim together and the words you and others share help us all learn to swim and so not fear deep waters anymore.

Posting saves lives.

[Kaz]

OK, so I spent ages replying and then was about to delete it when I thought... what the heck... this is what I think and how I feel and I have a voice!

I may not read ALL your posts Freddie, but I do read A LOT! Yes they are usually long, but that is because there is so much content and they are rich with observational and philosophical thoughts. I love them all. Sometimes I don't post responses that are very long at all but I have never in my conscious knowledge commented negatively on the length of anyone's post and certainly wouldn't as the only response to the OP. A problem with this sort of medium is that it is so easy to send short bursts and then hit the button - just like email and texts! Handwriting was a very different process!

If someone doesn't like my posts for whatever reason, then I will figure out how I feel about that and either modify my behaviour accordingly or ignore them. If it is a moderator... then I am clearly breaking, or am perceived to be breaking a rule. Even if I disagree with the moderator, it is their call, and I am immensely thankful for the way they keep the site relatively 'clean' and so different from many others. And of course we all make mistakes at times.

Community support tools that rely purely on text and static images for communication lose a lot (if not all) of the context that exists in the spoken word and in facial expressions. This is why we surround ourselves with smileys as a way of trying to express an emotion to attach with the words . Another way of increasing context is to be very creative in writing style, and this is something some people here do very well indeed. We also learn from what each of us posts and we gain insights into these people that we only know by a false name and what they type on their keyboards, or post in other files. Yes Freddie you are a stranger to me in real life, but I have a mental model of you as the Freddie who appears here that provides a context to what you write that helps to inform me of what you mean in your posts.

Short posts are harder to discern the true meaning for this same contextual reason. A post commenting on length of post could have been made negatively or as an attempt at humour. Unfortunately we read into the text what we 'want' to. In the world of coaching people refer to 'positive intention' - i.e. the communicator said what they did with positive intention not negative... but we can interpret either signal - do we know what was really meant? Anne has made this point I think in her reply!

In a [different] thread that was a bit emotional and about inter-relationship issues, I felt moved to post about relative viewpoints and potential misunderstandings and was informed by others that I lacked historical context of the issue and was off-mark . If I had known at the time... I wouldn't have posted at all. Or if I had it would have been very different.

Ironically, some people I have had run-ins with in the past are now 'friends' and people I absolutely admire . Sometimes friction can build context as well!

So, why bother? Because we do have a voice and we 'care'. I am not a religious person in the prescribed sense of the word (i.e. I do not belong to one particular religious group), but I believe one of the standard texts referred to sowing seeds... some will fall on barren ground. But for every seed that is fertile and grows, the rest are irrelevant (my comment ).

Now, I just need to figure out how to copy the entire thread into my post! If you can't beat them....