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Thread: Trying to accept that I am a transsexual

  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snow White View Post
    I understand what you are saying about yourself and your feelings, and I respect that.

    But, for you to say, ".....they do not want to be female". This could be taken 2 ways: they do not want to BECOME females via SRS, OR CD's do not want to BE female".

    The latter, to me, is an oxymoron. CD's like Tara (heterosexual, non-op, not bi) DO want to be female when they dress. She changes her speech, mannerisms, walk, appearance (of course), and feelings to 'become' a woman in her eyes & psyche......She "wears it well".

    But, he likes his masculine 'self', too. He doesn't want to give that up.
    You don't BECOME female. You either are or you aren't. Transition, SRS and HRT are just to align your body with the gender that you already ARE.

    Just because someone dresses the part doesn't mean the person is the character portrayed.

    Quote Originally Posted by sandra-leigh View Post
    Exactly! You now know yourself to be a woman. You do not need "reasons" to know that about yourself, you just are.

    And my difficulty is that although I now know that I am not "male", I do not know that I am "female". I wish I did know that -- or at least it seems to me in my present state that it would be so much easier to live if I Just Knew I was female than to be as I am, stuck in the middle. (In contrast, I emotionally recoil from the possibility that I am still actually male.)

    I struggled for a long time on the question of whether I was "just a cross-dresser" or something more, and I came up with "reasons" that I was one or the other. I was absolutely unable to settle the matter through reason, but one day, between two moments, I quietly knew I was not male. Revelation, if you want to call it that. A step of Faith. A Conversion. A Mystic Experience. However it happened, I didn't know and then I did.

    I am intellectually prepared for the possibility that some day I will have another such revelation, that I will know that I am a woman. But I don't know that now, and I live with my agnosticism -- and with the possibility that some day that I will have a revelation that convinces me that I am not really female either. Though, to be frank, my heart leans more towards the hope that some day I will know myself to be female.
    Maybe you are somewhere in the middle. Or maybe you just haven't come to terms with who you are. No way to tell but to keep exploring and let time take it's toll.

  2. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snow White View Post
    I am sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

    Yes, I agree, "A non-op F2M transsexual wants to be female no,matter what..."
    Tara does 'wish' s(he) had been born a female.

    But that didn't happen, so s(he) does her best to feel (really feel) like a woman when s(he) BECOMES Tara, a totally different personality.
    Just like 'Sybil', OR 'Secret Window'...Tara told me when s(he) saw that movie it was like he was watching himself.....another personality. For real.

    S(he) has a 3rd personality, but that is a personal matter between us that I won't talk about.

    Don't other CD's here become another personality when they become their feminine persona?
    Don't worry about offending anyone. Speak your mind and apologize if you need to :P

    Some crossdressers and transsexuals may use the idea of multiple personalities to handle who they really are before they fully come to terms with who they are. It's just one of the stage that some people go through on the path to acceptance.

  3. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snow White View Post
    Yes, I agree. But, I have spoken to, personally met, (& read posts from) several women who went thru' SRS.

    They will argue with anyone who says they are NOT now a female! NOT ME!!!....I'm keepin' my mouth shut!

    I have read so many posts in just such a short time here, and it seems that it is confusing to every person on this site:Transmasculine, Transsexual Male, FTM CD, Gender-Diverse;Bi; (sorry-I can't remember all of the acronyms) THAT we are ALL confused about our sexuality.

    So-arguing about who is right or who is wrong about THEIR own understanding of it all is a moot point.....But, sometimes it is interesting to converse with others on their sexuality-right?

    Love to ALL!
    Everyone is entitled to their opinions. Opinions also change as we grow. I share mine and others share theirs.

    And like the saying goes: Opinions are like [things]... everyone has one :P

  4. #54
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    Raquel (post #49), I get what you mean, but you should correct your typo before an indignant F2M points out that he is a man. He doesn't want to be female.

    Back to GID/no GID/TS/non-TS/when dressed/when not dressed, discussed in the last few posts ...

    This is about people who are not on a transition path:

    If everything on this planet is a spectrum, it means there are middle states: male/gender-mix/female. Man/intersex/woman. Black/grey/white. Sweet/semi-sweet/bitter. Hot/tepid/cold. Smart/average/stupid. Ice/water/vapor. It makes sense this would also hold true with GID. There is full GID where the person is near suicidal if he or she is forced to live and present in the gender assigned at birth. And there is a milder form of GID where a person does not completely feel coherent with their biological sex, nor does he or she feel transsexual to the point of absolutely needing to transition, or die. The mixed-gender thing is hard to define, since we do live in a world that insists there are only two genders, male and female. We're all socialized to believe there are only just men and women. We only just see men and women around us. And so, people try to fit into being either male or female.

    A coping mechanism for people who do not have full-strength GID, is to switch back and forth. They even convince themselves they feel differently depending on how they're dressed. And if there is any endorphin release involved, I wonder how many in-betweeners (or even people who identify as CDers) mistake this for "feeling" female. If the endorphin release is strong enough, they may even prefer their female states. At any rate, whether there is an endorphin release or not, I know that it is possible to integrate all of this and just accept being mixed-gender and feel the same way internally all the time, whether or not one is dressed. Accept both the male and female traits as being present, side by side. This is not easy, but in my opinion it is more genuine. A bi-gender can still maintain his/her sanity (and job) by playing by society's rules like my SO, and switching back and forth under specific circumstances, yet still feel and act like the same person all the time ... a person who doesn't fully align with the males in his/her circle, but not fully with the females either.

    This whole business of changing personalities with the clothes might serve it's purpose when a bi-gender is discovering who s/he is, but it seems to me a person would be much saner if they could just become real with themselves about who they really are, and KNOW they are the same person no matter how they're dressed.



    Disclaimer: this does not apply to people who have full-on GID.

    Quote Originally Posted by Snow White View Post
    Don't other CD's here become another personality when they become their feminine persona?
    My SO doesn't. If s/he did, I'd really be worried.
    Last edited by ReineD; 10-23-2012 at 12:45 AM.
    Reine

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    Quote Originally Posted by Snow White View Post
    Then WHY in the hell did you 'air your dirty laundry' about YOUR MARRIAGE if you did not want any comments on it????

    So-all of the 57 other people who are posting to your thread know you personally and anything about your marriage?

    I do KNOW THIS-Angie is in a lot of pain. Ask her if she knows me?
    Because the other 57 people didn't say that I WANTED to destroy the woman I married. Question if I love, honor and cherish my wife, state that this was a one time epiphany that I was putting ahead of my marraige, state that I had a crappy therapist who suggested that I just transition, state that just because my therapist says something, doesn't mean I should do it, when she never told me to do anything and i didnt say i was doing anything.

    I also know Angie is in a lot of pain, but I am not trying to end the marriage. As she stated, she will not be married to a woman or a CD who presents frequently.

    I aired my dirty laundry because i was looking for support, which I assumed is what this forum was for. Angie has her family and several friends who know, so although it sucks for her, she has a support system, I didn't. And thanks for refering to my gender issues as dirty laundry.

    The issue I had with your post is that you state that you are not jumping on me, then attack everything I wrote, adding a lot of assumptions that were not true.

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by steph1964 View Post
    Because the other 57 people didn't say that I WANTED to destroy the woman I married. Question if I love, honor and cherish my wife, state that this was a one time epiphany that I was putting ahead of my marraige, state that I had a crappy therapist who suggested that I just transition, state that just because my therapist says something, doesn't mean I should do it, when she never told me to do anything and i didnt say i was doing anything.

    I also know Angie is in a lot of pain, but I am not trying to end the marriage. As she stated, she will not be married to a woman or a CD who presents frequently.

    I aired my dirty laundry because i was looking for support, which I assumed is what this forum was for. Angie has her family and several friends who know, so although it sucks for her, she has a support system, I didn't. And thanks for refering to my gender issues as dirty laundry.

    The issue I had with your post is that you state that you are not jumping on me, then attack everything I wrote, adding a lot of assumptions that were not true.
    This is totally getting off topic. But if you share publicly, you accept that anyone who reads it can share their opinion. You're free to disagree but seriously... c'mon...

    If you don't like what someone says, disregard it. This forum isn't a place to post knowing that every person who replies will agree with you and throw you a pity party. You post knowing full well that people can agree or disagree and reply accordingly.

    (for the record, I know nothing of the posts in question so I'm not commenting on what you posted elsewhere in the forum, just your reaction to someone else's responses)

  7. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree-asaurus View Post
    You don't BECOME female. You either are or you aren't.
    There is a possibility that I am a (possibly rare) exception to that. When there are imbalances in the gendered brain centers, which gender is "dominant" might be subject to change, including the possibility of working pathways "wearing out" like the way bridges can eventually get undermined by flowing water. (I know of absolutely no studies to support or refute this possibility, so it could be anywhere from nearly-unique to "not uncommon")

    But anyhow, these mingled subthreads about dressing vs identity, and about CD vs middle vs TS, and about how one knows which one is, are, while interesting, I think getting pretty removed from Steph's original topic.

  8. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bree-asaurus View Post
    This is totally getting off topic. But if you share publicly, you accept that anyone who reads it can share their opinion. You're free to disagree but seriously... c'mon...

    If you don't like what someone says, disregard it. This forum isn't a place to post knowing that every person who replies will agree with you and throw you a pity party. You post knowing full well that people can agree or disagree and reply accordingly.

    (for the record, I know nothing of the posts in question so I'm not commenting on what you posted elsewhere in the forum, just your reaction to someone else's responses)
    I am not looking for a pitty party and dont have a problem if people disagree, i was just angered that I was attacked with a whole bunch of comments that aren't true. I apologize, it has been a crapy day.

  9. #59
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    Steph:

    I am beginning to realize that I too may be transsexual. I'm still in the closet, and we will have to wait and see. I'm going to go to a therapist as soon as I find one and see if my suspicions are correct. Thanks for posting, makes me feel not so alone.

    I realize that when I do tell my wife, our marriage will be over. I do hope love stays, but I'm sure that we could not continue as Wife and Wife. We have been distant for years, it's just hard to realize it was my fault. Oh my, these posts are bringing out such deep feelings. Got to stop now, I'm crying.
    Last edited by ChelseaErtel; 10-23-2012 at 08:11 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    As expressive as smilies might be, I don't quite understand what you are trying to say. Do you think that you could elaborate a little more, just in case you are saying something that I or others might wish to respond to?
    Ok Reine
    You want to know what I think?
    Wait, better yet, sometimes music best descripes my feelings because of the background noise.I know Tracii will appreciate this one

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xPaeONSn_8

    Thera
    Last edited by Nigella; 10-23-2012 at 12:12 PM. Reason: Religious comments only go in the religious forum

  11. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snow White View Post
    I am sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

    Yes, I agree, "A non-op F2M transsexual wants to be female no,matter what..."
    Tara does 'wish' s(he) had been born a female.

    But that didn't happen, so s(he) does her best to feel (really feel) like a woman when s(he) BECOMES Tara, a totally different personality.
    Just like 'Sybil', OR 'Secret Window'...Tara told me when s(he) saw that movie it was like he was watching himself.....another personality. For real.
    You didn't offend me

    I understand what you're talking about. I would do anything to have been born a female, but that's not gonna happen, and if I wasn't a weirdo who obsesses about my gender issues ... and loves sparkly things ... I would probably have to admit that I would've been better off just accepting my guy-ness. Because there is a difference between me and someone who is born female. I've been through different things.

    I've definitely got issues. I'm attracted to women, but I don't quite see myself as someone who is attracted to trans women. And that's ridiculous, because there have actually been a few trans women who I have been attracted to pretty intensely. I still can't help seeing GGs and trans women as someone different, and I'm more attracted to GGs. And I'm more inclined to see trans women as my sisters.

    I guess there's not anything wrong with that. But it messes with my mind the fact that I -- even as a person who identifies as female -- can't help drawing some major distinctions between myself and females in general.



    Quote Originally Posted by ReineD View Post
    Raquel (post #49), I get what you mean, but you should correct your typo before an indignant F2M points out that he is a man. He doesn't want to be female.
    Oopsie! Fixed!
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    Are you "trying to accept that (you are) transsexual" or are you trying to decide wether or not to transition? These are two very different things. You can be TS and do nothing about it, though I wouldn't recommend it.

    In trying to decide if you should transition consider this, Transition should be about survival anything short of that could be a disaster. When you boil it down to that qualification then marriage or no marriage becomes irrelevant. What difference does it make if you have a great marriage if your internal life sucks.

    Ask yourself this; are you so distracted by thoughts of gender all day everyday that you can no longer function at your job? Are you so jealous of ordinary woman that you want to cry? What's worse on a day to day basis, the distraction and obsession with gender or the suicidal thoughts from all the shame and guilt? Does being stuck in the male role in your life make you angry, depressed, jealous and hateful?

    Transition fixes one thing, GID. If your lucky and pass well after transition you get to be an ordinary woman (or man) nothing more and often something slightly less if and when people find out your actually a transsexual.

    Think about it.

  13. #63
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    Angie and Steph my heart goes out to you!!

    Steph, you are at a point where you and your wife potentially face a totally cruel and unfair problem

    Hopefully, you will find over time that you just can't convince yourself you are transsexual (for any reason...not sure, afraid, compartmentalization), then you are lucky indeed.
    However, your feelings whereever they are now will never go away...only you know the depth of feeling...but you need to know that it will never go away..
    In my experience, most people that get to the point where they are truly questioning it are transsexual, they are women, and they basically are going through hell and high water to avoid the simple fact.. i have seen this over and over again... i see it here....

    If you are somehow a mixed gender, then spending time as "her" will satisfy you AND being "him" would satisfy you too...you'd have the satisfaction of knowing you are expressing your female side...does this do it for you?? does this break the cycle of GID and depression? you are lucky if it does...a self aware transsexual woman would never ever say "i need some guy time"...

    some of the things mentioned in this thread are common things we talk about here and in therapy.. some of the concepts make your problem overwhelming to consider..............
    do i "wish" i was female, do i "know" i am female, do i "hate" that i'm a transsexual, why me!!!???why did it take so long to think this?, on and on....an on!! ugh

    You need to jettison all of that baggage right on out of your mind.. consider what a 4,5,6 yr old little "boy" goes through...internally knowing they are wrong, but not being able to understand...imagine the hoops in our heads as we try to process our situation, hanging out with all the boys where the absolute worst thing you can be is a sissy... i got beat up in middle school for crossing my legs......for me it became a wishful fantasy, for others, they "KNEW" all along (btw this is the traditional narrative but its by far not the only one), for others they compartmentalize it away to varying extents...some of us transfer our shame and anxiety to our sexuality, others don't...see what i'm saying? it means you need to look forward to what you can learn more than back to what you "thought"....it means that your memory is faulty and it has all the little tripwires you put in there yourself...

    april's questions are spot on... what are your answers? perhaps the questions don't burn yet , but perhaps you have a sense they will someday...maybe thinking about your future as a guy fills you with dread...i know for me a crystallizing thought i had was me on my deathbed, and i KNEW FOR A FACT that i would regret my life, that i would feel i lived a wasted life... i was able to process that thought back to WHY i thought that, and it was a huge step for me...OMG!! This feeling is GID, i am transsexual...and then it became all about what to do about it..

    What is your quality of life...you made a statement about your great life...gosh do i get that!! I had a wonderful wife, two really centered and happy teenage daughters (how many can say that!?), a great job with lots of power and responsibility and money too... i had to give it all up... "had to" is the operative word... all these wonderful things that i loved and appreciated were making my life worse... they were suffocating me, and something in my life changed (can't say exactly when) and from that point every good thing made everything worse...my quality of life was below zero and i started giving the "ts" answer to all of april's questions...

    think of it this way...there truly is nothing you can do to change whether you are transsexual... if you are, you and your family are going to have to deal with it
    you and your wife deserve to have a good quality of life... what can you do to have the best overall quality of life?? I only accepted my transsexuality when i realized that all those things that were so great in my life where no longer improving my quality of life, and when i thought of my wife, my mom, my kids, my job and how wonderful they were, it destroyed my quality of life..it filled me with dread!!!

    sorry to be so stark... there is a way out...therapy, hugs, a loving and caring wife, and finally the epiphany of acceptance can really be a good thing... i know it sounds coldly analytical (that's me , the math major), but if you are ts...you are ts!!! it's already part of your life and most importantly your marraige...the sooner you deal with it honestly and with love, the better off you both will be!!...so keep posting!!! ask ask ask....pm folks who have thoughts that are helpful to you...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    ...maybe thinking about your future as a guy fills you with dread......
    I just thought I'd give him something to snap out of it and remember his wife.

    She's starting to freak out overhere......................Hello

    Thera

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    i have no idea what you are talking about

    snap out of it?? good luck with that.

    if the truth seems hurtful or out of place today, perhaps you should consider what it will feel like in a year, or 5 years or 20 years, when it will still be the truth

  16. #66
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    Unfortunately, Thera's contribution is from someone who (according to the introductory thread) has only recently started exploring cross-dressing in some depth.

    They don't have any point of reference to understand what Steph is going through as a Transsexual. Thera cannot imagine the depths of despair and depression that Steph will be going through or the extreme lengths that she has already gone to to try to mitigate the effects of her gender on her wife.

    I think that it is great that Steph's wife has been trying to work this through with her and that Steph has shown a great deal of maturity and consideration in accepting her wife's need to have a husband. This is nothing like the so-called "pink fog" that envelopes some cross-dressers when they sense a little freedom - this is a matter of life and death.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    if the truth seems hurtful or out of place today, perhaps you should consider what it will feel like in a year, or 5 years or 20 years, when it will still be the truth
    Lets explore these truths:

    Steph wants to be a chick

    Mr Steph married and made a commitment to a woman(AS A MAN)

    Wife of Steph doesn't want to be married to a chick

    Steph needs to wake up and get with wife on marriage situation

    If he was single then most of these wouldn't be a problem,wouldn't you agree?


    Quote Originally Posted by Rianna Humble View Post
    Unfortunately, Thera's contribution is from someone who (according to the introductory thread) has only recently started exploring cross-dressing in some depth.
    They don't have any point of reference to understand what Steph is going through as a Transsexual..
    Rianna
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    thera, go back to the CD section with the other dudes

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    Quote Originally Posted by Aprilrain View Post
    thera, go back to the CD section with the other dudes
    I don't want too, I want to play here.





    Thera

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    Thera, I'm sitting here reading Kaitlyn Michele and Melissa's and April's posts and trying not to cry...thinking about my situation, and Steph's, and so many others I know. Sometimes we can be playful here, but we are not playing. The ones who are playing are in a different place.

    e.

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    Quote Originally Posted by steph1964 View Post



    Recently I told my counselor that I felt that I was transsexual and she told me that she knew that I was after the first couple of visits, but didn' tell me because I needed to come to this realization on my own. During my meeting with her yesterday, she told me that I was fighting hard to keep from going down this road, but she was concerned because I was becoming more depressed and worried what would happen to me if I chose to ignore it. We did discuss what would happen if I wanted to transition and she told me that she would write me a letter for hormones if that is what I decided.
    I’m just a bit confused here. You think you might be TS, so you told your therapist this, and she says ‘I knew right off that you were TS’ ? Now, this must be concrete proof that you’re TS headed for transition, so you have to ‘accept’ it no matter what? As if your therapist saying you’re TS is like being diagnosed with some sort of incurable disease?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thera Home View Post
    Lets explore these truths:

    Steph wants to be a chick

    Mr Steph married and made a commitment to a woman(AS A MAN)

    Wife of Steph doesn't want to be married to a chick

    Steph needs to wake up and get with wife on marriage situation

    If he was single then most of these wouldn't be a problem,wouldn't you agree?




    Rianna
    You may be right but I just call em as I see em

    Thera
    You see through Thera tinted glasses.

    How do you know Steph is a guy when Steph is still trying to figure this out for herself? If she is transsexual then she IS a chick... no 'want' there

    Wife of Steph may have married a chick unknowingly. Can't go back in time.

    Getting on with the marriage is a brilliant idea that surely would NEVER result in pain, emotional trauma and an eventual divorce with your amazing advice. /sarcasm

    If she was single doesn't matter. She's not single.

    Quote Originally Posted by famousunknown View Post
    I’m just a bit confused here. You think you might be TS, so you told your therapist this, and she says ‘I knew right off that you were TS’ ? Now, this must be concrete proof that you’re TS headed for transition, so you have to ‘accept’ it no matter what? As if your therapist saying you’re TS is like being diagnosed with some sort of incurable disease?
    If your therapist tells you your a transsexual before you tell your therapist that you're transsexual, you might want to find another therapist.
    Last edited by Bree-asaurus; 10-24-2012 at 05:26 PM.

  23. #73
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    I agree with the others, Thera. You seem to have a black/white outlook on gender. Namely, that an inner sense of gender is determined by biology. Most people believe this but it cannot be farther from the truth. As a member of this community and in order to prevent yourself from being insulting to people who identify differently than you, please go to your local library and start reading books about gender non-conformity and transsexuality.

    If you do not believe that transsexuality exists and that every member who posts here is a man by virtue of having been born with a penis, then why are you participating in this section of the forum? By doing so, and by telling them who they are according to your own truth, you are calling them liars.
    Reine

  24. #74
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    The sad truth is that no matter how much you love your wife, this is not a good relationship. There will be no happy ending. And the sadder truth is that it often takes years -- or even the rest of one of your lives -- to figure it out.

    I used to always think it was ridiculous for people to stay in a relationship with someone who didn't accept who they were. I mean, if you wanna be female and she wants you to pretend like you're a regular dude, how much does she really want to be with you? And then I went and got into the same situation. I was mid-transition when I met a woman who was super into me and super supportive. Then about 18 months later she decided she didn't want to be a lesbian. And I did the same thing. I actually stayed with her and de-transitioned. And surprise surprise, she knew I was miserable and she knew I wasn't the guy she wanted to be with.

    It's hard to come to terms with our issues because we feel ridiculous. I go through this train of thought all the time. But thankfully I get to the bottom of the list pretty fast these days.



    I'm ridiculous.

    Obsessing about gender issues is ridiculous.

    Making your life more difficult when you don't have to is ridiculous.

    ...

    But wanting to be in a relationship isn't ridiculous.

    ...

    I will never be in a good relationship pretending to be a man.

    ...

    So that makes transitioning and being myself very important.




    And not transitioning will probably make you miserable. Maybe you'd be OK not to transition. Maybe that's not what you need. But being in a relationship with someone who is 100% not OK with who you are is probably not the road to happiness. Seriously. She knows who you are. And even if you try your hardest to man up, she's still going to know about your issues in the back of her mind. And she's still going to know that who you are inside is not who she wants to be with.

    In the long run, you've gotta stop fighting this every day. Ya gotta be a little more Buddhist. You've gotta let go of attachments and take the road of least resistance. I know, there's plenty difficulty in being transsexual, but someday you'll realize that doing what you have to do actually is the path of least resistance. Not fighting yourself and your wife every day.

    edit-

    I mean, I know it sounds harsh to essentially say your relationship is doomed, but what are your options? Repairative therapy doesn't work. And if you want this to be a good relationship, you'd pretty much have to convince her that you have no desire to be feminine. But that would probably never be true. And you'd probably never convince her if it was. She's just going to get more and more resentful/disgusted over the years.

    There are people in the world who will accept you. Don't you want to be happy?

    And there are guys in the world who don't have gender issues. Doesn't she want to be happy?

    How many years do ya wanna keep on trying to make it work? 20? 30? What's the cutoff for throwing in the towel?

    You shouldn't get divorced just because you have some problems. People are way too quick to get divorced. But when someone realizes they're gay, it's probably time to find someone to go be gay with. How asinine is it when gay people try to stay in relationships with hetero people? But it happens. A lot of gay people try for many years to convince themselves they can stay in a hetero relationship.

    And when someone realizes they're trans, it's probably time to find someone who's OK with that. It's just as ridiculous to try to repress that and make both of you miserable.
    Last edited by Raquel June; 10-24-2012 at 06:09 PM.
    [SIZE="1"][FONT=Tahoma]
    And I'm alive. And I'm alone. And I never wanted to be either of those.
    [/FONT][/SIZE]

  25. #75
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    70
    I (the wife) am overwhelmedd by all of these replies. Yes I am hurt, yes I am angry. Guess what. So is steph! As much as I hate to admit it I think aprilrain and katelynmichele are right in their response. Like I said in the loved ones section. This sucks! I/we are on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes I do rather well at knowing steph isnt doing this to me, doesnt want to hurt me, has no real control of the situation. Other times I blame him. He promised we would be married forever and there was no doubt in my mind(and im sure his too) that was the truth. Right now thats how I FEEL. Hurt,angry and blame on my husband. I know its not right, but its the feeling I have. I have been on vacation for over a week, we havent had much time to talk. There isobviously a lot of stress. Once we talk it will be begter. The situation will be the same, but we can cry and comfort each other anyway.

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