[SIZE="2"]The thread by UNDERDRESSER reminds me that I’ve been meaning to write about my sister. I told her I was a crossdresser back in October, 2010 (oh, the GOOD old days!), and I wrote a thread-starting post about it at the time. Well, why not? I rarely get a chance to tell someone, a loved one in this case, that I’m not on the same page with the rest of humanity. Yup, your little brother is a crossdresser, has been for a long time, and here’s the female clothing to prove it! That’s how it all went down, on a bright autumn day nearly two years ago, but what has happened since then?Originally Posted by UNDERDRESSER
Not much, I’m afraid. I get the feeling that my emotional disclosure was neither welcome nor well-received, although I expected at least a little feedback in the form of brainstorming. Surely my sister, who loves me despite all my faults, would be intrigued by my secret life – after all, she is responsible for dipping me into culture I would have never seen, let alone experienced, as a young boy growing up in her shadow. Thanks to her my “education” about homosexuality was delivered in giant leaps of awareness, and crossdressing (transgendered behavior, if you will) came along for the ride. I can thank my sister for instilling me with healthy curiosity about the human condition, and leading by example in terms of tolerance, acceptance, and non-bias…
No doubt about it, my sister created a blank canvas for me, ripe for blessed experimentation, although she was unaware what her creation (me) was up to. She was (is) emotional, so I became more and more emotional, and thus less male. She made her own clothes, so I was privy to all sorts of feminine, beautiful things during my formative years. In fact, she created a climate of beauty where there was none, and I breathed in the heady fragrance. Little by little, I moved towards the moment when I would cross the line and express myself as a girl, at least in appearance. I can thank my sister for paving the way, or for covering the hard pavement with flower petals – my eventual crossdressing was a foregone conclusion in this pretty environment, but I kept it all a secret from my best friend, mentor, confidant, and…yes…oldest sister…
Thanks to crossdressers.com and my ongoing excursions into writing about the thing I love, it was somewhat inevitable that I would tell my sister about my passion one fine day. We have lived together in the same house for the past six years, talking about all sorts of things, so I kept thinking about WHEN, not IF, I would spill the beans. I would get mysterious packages in the mail, and she would ask me about them – I couldn’t tell her it was my new dress! I would disappear for hours, writing my little passionate blurbs on this site, only to reappear without an adequate explanation. I would sneak out the back door for a CD excursion into the prairie, dressing up just out of sight as I always did back in the day. Sigh. I HAD to tell her at some point – this is the perfect house to be dressed up 24/7, and a deviant paradise was waiting for me…
I finally DID tell her about my crossdressing, which I have already documented, and she was kinda surprised, to say the least. Being a male, and not transgendered in any way, I don’t seem like I could possibly be a crossdresser. I like this duality, but it works against me – I don’t think my sister quite believes the depth of my passion when it comes to crossdressing. “I’ve done it ALL, everything you can think of,” I proclaimed, and she seemed to blanch. Instantly I became aware of the gulf between those who dress against their gender, and those who just aren’t comfortable with it. I offered no explanation, indeed genuine explanation is impossible, at least when it comes to crossdressing. Now what? I suppose a huge weight was off my shoulders, but I didn’t feel all that relieved…
She doesn’t really want to talk about it, and I don’t bring up the subject of crossdressing. It’s just the way it used to be, which may help to explain why I champion secrecy as often as I can. Just like at other times, and other disclosures, I lost some of the magic I feel by being a crossdresser. I would rather be upstairs, out of sight, dressing up for me alone and not subjecting my precious feelings to scrutiny. My sister is one of those females who feel men should dress a certain way, in fact she expounds on the subject repeatedly. Non-drag crossdressing is, to her, beyond the pale, and she cannot quite “square” the idea of her little brother being queer in some way. I’ve showed her some of my favorite CD clothes, and I’ve showed her my writings, along with this site – she has seen Frédérique in situ, but the silence is deafening. Maybe she’s in denial. Or she can’t quite believe how far I have deviated from the masculine norm. To all appearances, I seem normal...
Anyway, the subject rarely comes up in daily conversation. She has half-jokingly offered to make me a dress (she’s an expert seamstress), but I’m constantly weighing the pros and cons of being 100% ME in our delicate sibling dynamic – we aren’t getting any younger, and there are more serious issues at hand than my penchant for crossdressing. I get the feeling that being “out” any more than I am now will make her uncomfortable, but any conversation along those lines is increasingly stillborn. I love my sister, we are bound together by circumstance, and I don’t wish to cause her any discomfort. In many ways, I have to BE male for her sake at times, and it is a sacrifice I must make. I mention my “famous” closet, and she smiles knowingly (and nervously). It goes no further than that, which means I’m sandbagging my “self” for protection. The way I see it, I am responsible not only for my own happiness, but for my sister’s happiness as well. She loves me exactly as I am, which is one of the many blessings that I count on a daily basis...
Many years ago, when I was a young boy, my sister could’ve very easily dressed me up like a girl, but she didn’t. This haunts me, but it may explain why being “out” to her leaves me feeling dislocated and lonely, subsumed in a male presence I must put forth for her sake. In short, I’m glad I “came out,” but I wish I hadn’t...
You don’t really know me, and I don’t know you, but do you think I should increase my crossdressing visibility, or push the issue, at the expense of making my sister...uncomfortable?
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