breaking trust by using forum or fb problem

[tara t]

i have a little prob at the moment.
my wife knows most stuff about me, theres very little held back these days but it was not always this way.
i was having a bit of a crisis a good few years back and figured at the time that to introduce her to a tg forum/chat that id been on infrequently (anyone remember tgsource ?) , it was not a great idea, a few tg/Cd's and a gg there chatted with her a small bit but she was not happy about it at all , there was a few other problems at the time which did not help but she stated back then that it was not my being tg that was the issue but that the fact i was talking to men and women i did not know ,about personal issues. it led to an argument and her stating that she was not happy with me being on any tg forums etc.she did not like the idea of me having a name either .at the time she understood i cded a bit but having a name or getting too indepth on my fem side was an issue .
with the other problems as well i found myself doing the old denial thing again, convincing myself i was being weak for one reason or another and burying my issues for years more until it came to a head again .
at this stage she knows well id rather be a woman but she knows I'm committed to her and love her dearly .
i told her recently i wanted to start a facebook account and mentioned some posts i had read on here. i asked her a few times to pick a name she liked that i could use just so i could get general info that might help me but again she was not happy about it and asked me not to do it .the forum helps me a good bit when i need it and is a great source of info and Ive found facebook to be nice for just casual kinda chat or generally getting sent fashion tips/tricks/pics. i do feel guilty about it though and am not sure what to do . should i shut the accounts and say nothing/tell her , tell her outright i have them and let her choose?, say nothing and keep them ? i really don't like being dishonest with her but i feel it will be bad for tara if i close them . i am being patient about it all and feel her attitude has softened a bit over some months but the longer i keep this from her the worse it may seem .
it is a big deal talking about me having a fem name too. she knows the name i choose a long time ago but does not like it on a few levels .
she has called me stuff like her bitch or a drama queen but calling me a name is a step too far for her at present . i suppose that is something for time to sort out but what to do about the forum and facebook ?
thanks for any input .
Tara

edit ... i hope this does not seem like i am complaining about my beloved as i do know how lucky i am to have the support and love i have .
also ... if she calls me her bitch it is meant in a loving/fun/amorous way in is never meant to be an insult .

[Emily359]

Naturally, I'm not going to attempt to make a decision for you. I'll just mention a few things I think are important.

-Honesty is very important to a relationship
-Openness/communication is very important to a relationship
-You are nobody's slave

When you talk about these things with her, do you calmly discuss the matters at hand or is it more of an argument? Are both sides/views listened to respectfully?

[Ann Thomas]

I have been in much the same position for some time. It made life very difficult for me, juggling honesty with personal growth. I do hear you both love her as well as gather helpful information for yourself - that is very important. I had the same dilemma.

I finally applied what I had been taught at a self-enrichment seminar I once attended for a week (similar to the Dr. Phil challenge, as it was run by one of his former partners.) That thing I had waited to apply was, that "you can't take care of others until you take care of yourself first". It's not something to be abused, but something to recognize where you might need growth.

So, I realized after years of holding back growth to myself, and being miserable knowing nothing, I decided it was time to move forward. My lack of motion was affecting the relationship, whether I wanted to help or not. So, I moved forward and kept it quiet for a bit, then eventually told each piece of the missing puzzle to my wife. Yes, it created trouble, but I explained to her that I needed to take care of myself so that I could take care of her. That seemed to help some.

Hopefully things will work out for you. All the things you do can't only be for her benefit, they have to be first for you, then for her. She should be doing the same really. It's not right to call anyone else your bitch or any other derogatory term. It's too demeaning. Please don't allow her to do that to you or anyone else in your lives.

All the best,
Ann