wifes threats

[CdD Janessa]

My wife just today mentioned that I need to get over my dressing or get over her. Don't know what to do I have been extremely patient with her hoping that she would come around and maybe accept my dressing. I got to completely shave and dress a while back while she was out of the house and told her thank you and how much I appreciated the opportunity to do it and now she tells me this . I don't want to lose her but I also dont want to give up dressing

[NicoleScott]

Jeremiah, you and your wife may be good candidates for a don't-ask-don't-tell policy. That's where she knows you do it, as you are compelled to, but she doesn't like it doesn't want to see it. Your part is to keep your dressing out of her face and keep being the man she married. In return, she must acknowledge your need to dress and allow some private time and place. I said SOME private time and place, maybe scheduled, maybe whenever you can get alone, but not just whenever you feel the urge. Gotta respect each other's positions.

[AllieSF]

I truly believe that you can not "give up" dressing. You maybe be able to put it on the back burner for a while, maybe a few years, but from everything that I have read here, only one member here believes that you can give it up, and she dresses everyday now. So, I think you need to get your mind around what you can do, like keeping it out of her presence (sight and hearing), have a long chat with her about it, go to counseling, relationship, not gender related, and hopefully a third party will be able to tell your wife that giving it up completely is not in the books, and maybe start figuring out how you would live without her if it ever comes to that. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Maybe she can compromise some, but it sounds like she may not be able to do that. She has her right to live her life without certain interferences and so do you. Maybe there are other issues at play here and this is a good one for her to use to .... do whatever she feels she needs to do. Good luck.

[reb.femme]

Well, that pretty much equates to an ultimatum in my book. Sorry to hear this.
I would like to say approach this carefully and tactfully with your wife but such a statement appears to have trampled on that response.

It appears black and white from what you say, so what are your options now?
Maybe the crossdressing ultimatum is exactly as it appears or is symptomatic or a more deep rooted problem. Such as this ultimatum being the vehicle for raising the other dissatisfaction. Pure surmising on my part with no greater detail, but all options are on the table, including the getting over her. Some GGs never accept, and that's that unfortunately.

Rebecca x

[Julie Gaum]

I didn't read any room for compromise in the wife's statement! Hope I'm wrong and that an experienced therapist can sit down with both. Fact:
The urge will never leave you so question is how to get the spouse to find a wee bit of understanding or is it possible?
Good luck
Julie

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jeremiah, Maybe it's time to tell her , Be careful what you wish for.

[Tracii G]

Time for mediation with a therapist.
Ask her if she is willing to see one.

[linda allen]

I think that when it get to the point where one partner in a marriage gives an ultimatum to the other, the marriage is pretty well over. Over unless one partner is calling all the shots and the other is willing to go along with everything the other demands.

Marriage should be a partnership and each person should be willing to compromise and understand the other person's needs and feelings.

I can't tell you what to do and nobody else should try. It's up to you. Marriage counselling is an option, but if both parties aren't committed to it, it's waste of time and money.

Best of luck.

[heatherdress]

Seems like an odd choice - "get over crossdressing or get over her". What does the "get over her" mean? May be other stuff going on. Maybe a therapist is appropriate. Don't do anything too fast. Get some help. Maybe you need a therapist for yourself. Good luck.

[Brianna612]

If she is willing find a good therapist, one that understands CD. Maybe a local CD group would be a good place to ask around. If she is not willing well it will be a hard road. I hope there are not any kids in the mix. My X found out six years into our marriage, tried to accept it then turned about face, told me to quit, the next 4 years were misery and ended up in a messy divorce. Now I couldn’t be happier have a great girlfriend so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The facts are:
1. You will not quit CD with out a huge struggle that will not stop and you would not be satisfied.
2. Your wife will either accept you or not, you will not be able to change the way she feels no more than she can change the way you feel.
3. Compromise works if it satisfies both of you.
4. You would benefit from therapy with or without your wife.
5. Life goes on so you might as well enjoy it.

[STACY B]

Yea I agree with the Ladys ,, Maybe some one in the middle to help ? But I dont think thats it ? More than meets the eye Ill bet ,,, Dressing is not the end of the world . She has deeper things going on ,, Might not be what you want to here ,,No one does ,, But if she loved you an wanted to stay then she would agree to it . Transition is a different thing ,,But just dressing in private ,,WHats that hurt anyone ,,, An when she is not even home ? Uk---Oh ,,,, Something smells !!

[Babeba]

I don't know if passive-aggressively avoiding the topic always counts as 'extremely patient.' I do, however, think that you may need to work towards 'extremely understanding' of her position and open dialogue a bit about it.

Is she a member here? Would she consider joining us in FAB?

[Eryn]

Her statement certainly sounds like an ultimatum to me and ultimatums are never a part of good relationships.

I suspect that she does not appreciate the importance of CDing to you. This isn't unusual because to her the way that you want to express yourself is just a mundane part of her life. From her point of view how could that have great importance to anyone?

Well, we do know how important it is and somehow have to get it across to our spouses. Babeba has suggested a good way to accomplish this.

[Wildaboutheels]

Not nearly enough info to offer any suggestions such as how long have you been married, how long has she known, how did she find out etc.

Regardless, her ultimatum seems to have come out of the blue, but my guess is that SOMEthing or things triggered it. Are there other issues going on that might have set her off? I think you need to find out precisely WHY all of a sudden it's an issue and go from there.

Some people are easily influenced by others and perhaps she confided your CDing to someone recently who proceeded to tell her that CDers are _________________.

If nothing else both people in a couple deserve some private time and it might turn out to be something you must simply keep to/for yourself.

[BRANDYJ]

If she loves you, this could be just a cruel threat. Like others have said, not enough information to make any clear suggestions on how to handle it. Other then try to talk to her and for now keep all signs of crossdressing out of her sight until and if you two can come to a compromise.

[Leah Lynn]

You can stop dressing and purge. For a while. Then, out of the blue, you need to get some clothing. It's not the same as drugs. It's not an addiction; it's really who you are. Try to stay away, and you'll be miserable. Life sucks when you're miserable. In a relationship you could become caustic, rude, just plain unbearable if you feel totally miserable and denied. I'm relating how I was; at one point I was near suicidal over it. Counselling may help, but life is too short to be unhappy.
Sending love your way, Leah

[celeste26]

One big consideration that was unsaid from the beginning. Did you fail to mention the CDing prior to marriage? Sounds to me like you did not. By doing that she would have an active choice to make and she could have opted out at that time with far less turmoil. Now that you are in the middle of it all, its your choice but the lesser of two evils instead of merely missing out on one potential partner.

You tell us you dont want to lose her but it seems you've lost her already. There are many ladies out there who actually do support this activity we do, so cut your losses and leave. There is no reason to make both of your lives miserable.

[CdD Janessa]

Married almost 3 1/2 years she didnt know bout this before we got married I didn't do this hard core till after we got married dnt knw why I also dnt knw why this all of a sudden got this bad. All I know is she said this is affecting our intimate and social life so just don't know what to do. I however dont plan on purging and dont own any clothes I usually just borrow het bridesmaid dressers cuz she wont allow me to buy any clothes. She has said from the get go shes not going to put money toward my fetish.

[Missy]

question is this

which one do you want and love the most

1) Wife ____ or 2 ) crossdressing_______

life is though and unfair

I know that I love my wife and do not want to lose her and that if she ever told me that I need to stop crossdressing or she would leave me for good I would find ways to stop dressing

[ReineD]

Jeremiah, you don't have many posts, so I took a few moments to read them. In just about every post since you've joined, you ask how you can get your wife to allow you to dress. You said that your wife was against this, she doesn't want to join the site, and she doesn't want to talk about it, even though she did allow you to dress once when you were together, and once when she was gone. So you've been waiting patiently and hoping that somehow if given time, she would change her mind. You are both young, and you live in what I gather is a rather conservative small town.

I think you need a different approach.

This may not be effective, but I would tell your wife that you love her a great deal and you do not want to divorce. I would also tell her that she owes it to you to not throw your marriage out right away and the two of you should talk this out (it's not about having her give you permission to dress), and then ask her what she believes motivates you to dress. Ask her to TELL YOU what she thinks it is all about. And then listen carefully to what she has to say.

She no doubt believes it to be something that it isn't. Some wives believe that CDing husband are hiding gay tendencies. Other wives believe that the femme persona is like having another woman in the marriage, and they feel when their husbands dress it is almost as if they are having affairs. Other wives believe that the act of dressing turns their husband into a woman, and the wives get totally turned off because they are not lesbians. Still other wives feel that their husbands are dressing because the wives are "not enough" for their husbands sexually. And most every wife is as terrified of people finding out, as are the husbands. Find out what exactly bothers your wife about this, and let her talk without interrupting. When she is done, ask her if she wants to know the truth about what the CDing really means, and what it really does for you (take some time to KNOW what you get out of the CDing, before your talk).

In a few of your older posts, you refer to the CDing as "your fantasy". I don't know what you mean by this, is it a sexual fantasy or fetish (do you dress only to have sex), or do you get something more out of this? Few wives are OK with fantasies and sexual activities that do not involve them and if is the case I understand why your wife would not appreciate it when you dress. But, if looking like a woman is helping to connect you to a feminine side and doing this makes you feel right, then you must find a way to tell your wife that you are wired differently than other men, and the CDing does not supplant or replace her in any way. It is rather your attempt at getting in touch with your feminine side and it has no effect whatsoever on your feelings about her. Be sure to also tell her that your male identity is very strong, you like being a guy, and you do not want to become a woman.

I'm sorry my post is so long. Also, a while back I gave you some resources to prepare you for a talk. I don't know if you ever read them, but if I were you, I would read them carefully before you talk to your wife, and think about what fits and what doesn't fit for you. Here's the post with the links:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post2790305

If you want your talk to be successful, you need to take an active role and prepare. You'll want to be able to answer your wife's questions, if she does agree to talk this through with you.

Good luck!

[Stephanie47]

I see you're 23. First, if you do not already have children, do not have any at this time. Second, you may want to try counseling. However, if there is not a meeting of the minds, I'd say part your ways. You will not change. Yes, maybe for several years you may be able to 'quit.' The urges will come back. The self inflicted torment will kill you. Your wife will never forget. You will be subject to her whim of throwing it in your face, even if the argument has nothing to do with cross dressing. It takes many years for a couple to get to know each other. From the posting I've seen over the years, it seems a cross dresser with a long history with his wife are better able to survive his wife finding out. I suspect the marriage survives because the wife realizes her husband has many more positive attributes than the perceived negative cross dressing. Ultimatums never work in a marriage.

[Lorileah]

a marriage based on ultimatums is not a marriage it is a hostage situation. When someone says me or whatever, they run the risk of being the odd one out

[kimdl93]

It's impossible to understand a complex relationship from a couple of sentences. But from the little bit you shared it seems that a long series of thoughtful conversations is in order. She neds to understand a great deal more about gender issues and you need to understand what's at the heart of her objection to CDing. I don't know if those conversations are possible...but it's worth a try.

[Brenda79135]

If I read the comments above correctly, you and your wife were married either right out of High School or during the first year of college. You both are still in the discovery stage of your lives. Not having the security of mom and dad is hard on both of you. She is still working on her conceived notion of what married life is supposed to be. that is something that is going to be hard to overcome. Ask her what she thinks the perfect marriage is. What her prince charming is supposed to do for her. This will give you insight into what needs to be done. Reality can be crushing on dreams. Most of all, talk to her. She is the only one that can help you understand her feelings.

[Claire Cook]

Jeremiah,

We all sympathize with your situation, and you've had some seriously good advice. I'd pay particular attention to what Reine (sometimes I think she is our Mother Hen) and Brenda have said; you have to be sensitive to and empathize with your wife's feelings. A marriage is truly a partnership, and somewhere I hope you find the balance between your needs and hers. In the long run, what is most important?