wifes threats

[Silmaril]

I too recommend you read what Reine wrote ....then read it again. I can't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what I'd do faced with an ultimatum from someone I love and whose love I believe in. I would meet her terms immediately ...at least temporarily. I would want to offer that as a sign that she comes first, without question. That also might provide a bit of a pressure valve to deflate some of her tension. Then I would look for the very first opportunity to have the conversation Reine suggested.

I suppose it goes without saying that this will be difficult. That she has delivered an ultimatum tells me she has reached the end of her rope; she may already have made up her mind about your future together, but is forcing you to pull the trigger. I agree with everyone who has said that getting a counselor involved is probably a must.

Keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion; it is usually powered by underlying fear.

Best of luck to you in all of this.

[BRANDYJ]

My SO would never give me an ultimatum to stop Cding or she's done. But I love and respect her enough that IF faced with that, I know I'd do all I could to stop crossdressing. It might be a struggle at times, but I'd do all I could to keep her in my life. I once asked her how she's feel if I stopped dressing, her answer kind of surprised me. She said she would not be happy if I stopped since I then would not be the same man she got to know and love. She said it's part of me and that she wants me the whole package.

[Rachel05]

that is a tough one for sure and I am equally sure this is going to be impossible either way, if I was given the ultimatum I absolutely know I couldn't give up, I might try but I would fail, it is part of me and who I am !

[CdD Janessa]

I appreciate all your support and suggestions. I am also needing to know how to start the conversation she just blows it off and starts threatening me if i ask if we can talk about all this. every time i ask she says dead subject and she doesn't want to talk. Just extremely hard to try and talk to her when she don't want to talk. Any help would be appreciated and all the help i have gotten i appreciate.

[BRANDYJ]

Jeremiah, I am sorry you are dealing with this. The big problem is that you have a wife that is not willing to talk about a serious issue. I would bet this is not the only topic she has trouble in discussing with you. It sounds like she has not allowed herself to feel close and comfortable enough to discuss anything that is hard on her to divulge. In my opinion, her lack of ability to talk is a bigger problem then the crossdressing itself.

I'd suggest you write her a letter that you carefully and openly tell her how you feel and that from all the study you have done about crossdressing, that even the experts say it won't just go away and that it is harmless and quite common among men including many men in positions of authority including law enforcement, government and even among top CEO's of major corporations. I would then ask her to at least read studies about it to help her understand that it's not as simple as giving up like golf, fishing or other activities. Ask her to at least open her mind enough to understand what you are faced with. Ask her to join here too. Tell her that an ultimatum is not an option, that you love her more then words can express and don't want to lose her. Explain that you are the very same guy she fell in love with and that's not going to change how you feel about her and that you enjoy being the man you are.

Well you get the picture. This way she will read this in private and hopefully while you are away. let her digest this very serious letter and invite her to respond in writing too.
If you have good hand writing that is easily read, I'd do this by hand and either give it to her or leave it in a place for her to find while you are away. Perhaps leave it with a single rose or other expression of love that you know she likes. Perhaps enclose it with a romantic card.

She can't or won't talk to you, but I bet she will read the letter. With you away she has time to digest it all and maybe respond in kind.

I wish you a lot of luck.

[ReineD]

Jeremiah, I can't fathom a relationship where only one partner dictates what you both will talk about. This is a conversation, and not crossdressing! She is basically telling you that only her concerns are important in the relationship, and not yours. Or, she is putting her head in the sand and telling herself that if she doesn't talk about a problem, then it doesn't exist.

She (and you) need to learn relationship skills: how to respect, how to communicate, how to listen, how to define boundaries, how to be flexible, and how to compromise. You are both equal partners in this relationship.

I suggest you shelve the CDing completely for now, and drag your wife to a marital counselor so the two of you can learn proper relationship skills (that you can apply to a variety of marital issues and not just the CDing), which will then give each of you the tools required to at least TALK about your gender issues. This will not guarantee that she will ever become OK with the CDing, but at least if you both can get to the point of talking about it, it will provide you with better closure should you decide that your marriage won't work, and you should each move on.

[JenniferR771]

Jeremiah,
my wife is about like yours. Refuses to discuss crossdressing. Hate it when I mention the word. She is the dominant person in the relationship. We are both a bit self-centered. Many threats, but 10 years after she found out she has not left. She has uncovered a tiny bit of acceptance--very slow--baby steps progress. Last month she rearranged a bit of my storage while I was out of town. Bought a new storage container and placed all my shoes in it and got rid of the old beat-up plastic storage container. Yet she pretends that she didn't do it. Likewise she found a box for my 10 wigs. And two storage containers for around 30 dresses. She is OK if I go to the CD Weedend at the Dunes in October--IF--I dress after I get there.

[giuseppina]

Hello Jeremiah

Reine, as usual, has a lot of good sense in her posts. If your wife is unwilling to go with you to a duly qualified and licensed marriage or mental health counsellor, go yourself, with or without her knowledge or consent. If that causes conflict, frankly, that indicates to me she is not willing to accept her share of responsibility. I am not qualified to give a professional opinion on this, but it strikes me, on the basis of what you've posted here, that there are abusive dynamics in your relationship.

I'm afraid that a divorce, if it comes to that, will be very hard on you. Abusers rarely accept responsibility unless they are convicted of an appropriate crime in a court of law, and even that doesn't always do the trick. Unfortuneately, it is extremely rare for a prosecution for psychological abuse to succeed because the evidence is not visible in a picture, photograph or document. The "beyond a resonable doubt" standard of proof is very high for good reason: to minimise the probability of convicting an innocent person.

We don't know your wife's side of the story, but what I see here is troubling. I am saddened your wife is unwilling to budge and shuts down attempts at communication.

I wish you and your wife well.

[franlee]

I had written a pretty long reply and by some freak error I lost it, so it wasn't meant to be. I was trying to rationalize why there is so many thing wrong with your situation and be tachfull while doing so. But It's this simple from an older and tried CDer. First I would look arround for any outside influances or interest on the SO's part. Next I would not settle for anyone dictating my happiness or lack there of. I would decide if I was ready to cut my loses and what the results would be and then act on it. I see marriage as 50% each way but as head of the household I have to cast the deciding factor at the end and then live or deal with it. From your decription of your situation you haven't been married long and wether we like it or not many marriages fall apart even without our uniqe spin thrown into the mix. So I would ask myself honestly if I could hold on to such a marriage and how long is it really going to last. But most importantly is other's such as children and family going to be drawn into it by putting off the inevitable. There is just to many bad warning signs you have disclosed for me to continue in such a one sided affair. I do hope the best for you and wish any and all marriages succeed but I am a realist.
Sorry if I sound cold or hatefull, I'm neither. I just don't think anyone has pointed out the seriousness or your decission either way you go.

[missmars]

make promise to youe wife do CDing at special few day.

[NicoleScott]

I would advise against writing her a letter. Two reasons: it may be viewed as cowardice, unwilling to go face-to-face, is spite of previous attempts. Also, if things really turn ugly, it may be used against you, as others have experienced. You can prepare, though, and use notes to make sure the conversation stays on track.

[linda allen]

I would advise against writing her a letter. Two reasons: it may be viewed as cowardice, unwilling to go face-to-face, is spite of previous attempts. Also, if things really turn ugly, it may be used against you, as others have experienced. You can prepare, though, and use notes to make sure the conversation stays on track.

I agree on both points but mostly on the "being used against you" part. You don't want this letter read as evidence in your divorce trial.

[BRANDYJ]

I would advise against writing her a letter. Two reasons: it may be viewed as cowardice, unwilling to go face-to-face, is spite of previous attempts. Also, if things really turn ugly, it may be used against you, as others have experienced. You can prepare, though, and use notes to make sure the conversation stays on track.

I respectfully disagree. We have a wife that will not talk, she won't listen. Point is, there is no conversation and if pressed to converse, she may become angry and it will only turn into an ugly fight.

I don't see how anyone reaching out in any form, including a heart felt letter could be deemed a coward. The only cowardly act I see is his wife's reluctance to communicate and talk. I think the contrary,it's a brave step to take to save the marriage.

As the saying goes, " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make um drink." Well also, "You can lead a wife to conversation, but you can't make her talk"

I am convinced that a well written letter formed with love, understanding and non-confrontational is the way to go. The odds are she will read the letter. She will not have a chance to interrupt as we sometimes do when in a conversation. That causes us to get off track and the whole message can be lost in those interruptions and the potential argument filled with angry words spoken in haste. She will have time to comprehend and think about her spouses position before reacting in anger, fear or whatever it is that puts her off about the topic and the troubles in the marriage. It may well cause her to finally want to have a conversation. It may raise her compassion and the beginning of understanding. If she does not want to talk, she may well respond in writing a response herself. Again, without the risk of hurt and anger interrupting her own thought process.

The fear of the letter being used against her husband in a divorce court is only a slight risk. She may feel so embarrassed about anyone knowing her husband is a CD, that she would not use it in court. If she used his being a CD against him or a reason for the divorce, she can do that without the letter and if inclined to want to use the CDing as a reason, she is going to even without written proof.

Jeremiah, needs to reach out to his wife in anyway he can. He made it clear she will not talk about it. So to me, the letter is a good tool to reach her. And like I said, it may cause her to finally have that much needed talk.

[linda allen]

That letter could end up with the OP's employer and it could end up on facebook or some other public site. Some women (and men) are spiteful.

[BRANDYJ]

That letter could end up with the OP's employer and it could end up on facebook or some other public site. Some women (and men) are spiteful.

If she is the spiteful type, she can and might just inform his employer that her husband is a CDer. She already has the knowledge of it, letter or no letter, a bitter spiteful woman can blab to whoever she wants to.
I see no need to think the worst of Jeremiah's wife. She may be the sweetest woman in the world and not stoop to slander and defamation of character. She may not want to have this reflect on her.
Not to mention the fact that if she is upset in reading this letter, she may just tear it up not wanting to see it or read it again. Not all women faced with something she does not understand, fears, or just dislikes are that vindictive. I think they are in the minority. Worth the slight risk to reach her and perhaps save the marriage.
he has already risked by lust letting her know he is a CD.

[rachel38]

I to have been dressing since my early teens . Came out to my my wife after twenty years she didnt take well kinda got a similar ultimatume . Right now its like dont ask dont tell.Im sure she knows I still dress but she wont talk about it.I have purged many times some times for month to over a year and then I get the urge and it wont go away . So I dress while shes away and she trys to ignore it.

[bridgetta]

well, .then,, good luck!

[kittypw GG]

Do her and yourself a favor, get over her and set her free. She won't change her mind and she won't talk about it. I see no real solution. Things are going to end badly. Hope I'm wrong but .... don't think so. Sorry.

[Diversity]

Hi Jeremiah,
It's unfortunate your wife issued the ultimatum. You are now backed into a corner and you will need to respond. I'd suggest asking again, if there is any opportunity to discuss this openly and honestly with one another. If not, then perhaps you both may entertain seeking professional help. If this is not in the cards, then ask yourself if your wife and your marriage is more important to you than crossdressing. If it is, and you want to keep it that way, then you should put the CD'ing in the closet and do it privately. Perhaps over time, when things cool down, you both can discuss this again in the future. The key is to respect each other's feelings and keep the marriage in tact if you are truly in love with your wife. None of this is easy, but I do know that honesty, understanding, and open communications with one another is essential. Good luck to you.
Di

[bridgetta]

explain to her that you cannot get over who you are.. maybe in time and if she loves you, she will come back.. you may have the space to explore who you are and learn about yourself in such a way that you will be able to explain who and why and what you are what you do to her in a way that she can understand.. we all suffer from miscommunication.

she will respect you for standing up for what you believe in.. that is all we can do ..

[max]

You're young with I assume no kids and little assets?

If your "spouse" is throwing ultimatums like that at you it isn't a relationship you should stay in.

Get out now while you still have a chance.

[BRANDYJ]

I just love the way people give advice like just get out, move on, find someone new etc. Makes it sound so simple. It's not when you truly love that person. Especially if you feel that person still loves you too. I am not saying love conquers all. I wish it did. But it can change us. Right or wrong, good or bad, I say follow your heart.

[bridgetta]

Brandy. I understand your point but i believe eberything happens for a reason. If we are living false lives those lives will not work. Sometimes standing up for yourself is the only way to solve a problem

[BRANDYJ]

Brandy. I understand your point but i believe eberything happens for a reason. If we are living false lives those lives will not work. Sometimes standing up for yourself is the only way to solve a problem

Bridgetta, you are right, everything happens for a reason. Not sure what you mean by living a false life, but my statement had nothing to do with standing up for ourselves. We can fight and try to hang on to a relationship out of love and still be standing up for ourselves. In fact, by just leaving or moving on and finding someone new is the coward's way out.
Others and myself suggested idea on how to reach to wife and save the marriage. We don't know the facts, it may be worth the effort if we are brave enough to try. Why do so many want to give up so fast and easy?

explain to her that you cannot get over who you are.. . we all suffer from miscommunication.
she will respect you for standing up for what you believe in.. that is all we can do ..

I like most of what you said in your post #45.

[bridgetta]

by standing up for ourselves i mean. that we have to accept ourselves first .. if we cant accept who we are then our S.O will not be able to.. this simple fact would cure alot of the problems we face and are posted about here.. accept our journey and do not purge retreat or apologize for it. being sensitive to our s.o. needs is fine.. but if you structure your life that you are more sensitive to someone elses needs before your own. you will be living a lie.. and that lie will manifest itself in destructive other ways.. hidden activity. . passive aggressive behavior..


anyone who has been on this site for a while.. i have been here 3 years, can see that the SAME issues are repeated over and over every day.. its time we actually start to solve them..