Is honesty the best policy?

[outhiking]

Last night my wife asked me about a crossdressing high heel shoes website that was detected by our antivirus software. She know's that I'm a crossdresser, but prefers to not think or even talk about it and I'm very private with it. At first I tried to pawn it off on my teenage daughter who is always online looking at clothes, but that was childish so I confessed. The hardest part was the tone of revoltion from my wife, almost disgust that I would even consider wearing women's shoes.

I know that a marraige is built on trust, but I think my wife would have much preferred not knowing about my feminine side. She'd probably rather find out that I have cancer than know that I'm a crossdresser since at least that's "normal". I wonder if she realizes that many of the aspects that she likes about me are due in large part to the woman who is inside of me.

I should have told her my secret before we were married, but then we would have likely not married and I wouldn't have the wonderful kids and memories that I now have.

I guess one advantage to being honest is that at least she didn't find out through my internet use and I was the one who told her.

Thanks for listening.

[katie_barns]

I feel you pain girl. My wife is not a big fan of Katie. She likes out of sight out of mind. When things like what you describe come up she just pretends she doesn't see it. Even the occasional piece of clothing that shows up in the laundry she folds them and puts them on my side of the bed and never says a thing, unless of course she likes it, and it fits; then it becomes hers. It's some sort of denial. I just let it go. It's works for us.

[BRANDYJ]

You did not say how your wife first found out you were a CD or how long you were together before she knew. The other important information would be the amount of love you have for each other and how well you can communicate. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in a DADT relationship and how it would hurt to see my SO's disgust or dislike for what it is I do. I'd have to find a way to communicate to her how harmless this is and how it won't go away and how it's part of what makes you who you are including those things that attracted her to you to begin with.
But a direct answer to your question is yes, I think it's very important to tell or it will eat away at you and ultimately the relationship and love. I'm very fortunate in that I have had 3 women in my life that knew, accepted and even enjoyed my CDing on some level. I could not and would not live in a lie by omission on something this important.

[UNDERDRESSER]

It pains me that some of you are not in a situation where you can be honest, or that you have been, and are not accepted.

I think one aspect of my SO that attracted me is that I sensed she was a very open minded person, I was fairly sure that my revelation would not be met with revulsion. In my case, the fact that the being honest was important to me, helped me win her over. ( I think )

This is something everyone has to decide for themselves, what it means to you, the relationship, how it is likely to be taken badly, YMMV.

[STACY B]

CANCER ,,,,Wait a min,,,, Dammit ,,, Its not that bad !!! Dam there are alot worse things than this ,,,,Jesus ,,Yall act like we are Bank Robbers or Crazed Maniacs ,, Dam ,Just dressing like the oppasite gender for Petes Sake ,, GET over it ,,, This is not a choice ,,If it was we wouold be fishing or geting Drunk an Running around ,,, Ya think they would like it if we were unfateful ? Well that can be arranged ,,,LOL,,,,

[kimdl93]

I'm sory you felt derision and revulsion in your wife's reaction. It seems the cat has been out of the bag for a while, and hiding it from her doesn't make her attitude any better. It just leaves you feeling guilty. So, from now on, don't put it in her face, but don't hide it either.

[outhiking]

Thanks everyone. I told my wife several years ago because it was eating away at me. I love her very much, but I think she has a hard time returning love, even for herself. I definately keep it all under wraps and I'm very careful that everything is put away. I do now understand that this is who I am and with the support of this forum, I'm finding the strength to stand on my own, come what may.

[Lorileah]

She know's that I'm a crossdresser,

and did she think it would just dissapear??

At first I tried to pawn it off on my teenage daughter who is always online looking at clothes, but that was childish so I confessed.

Best to own up to it. After all why wouldyou blindside your teenage daughter who I assume you have told to always tell the truth.

The hardest part was the tone of revoltion from my wife, almost disgust that I would even consider wearing women's shoes.

Why? They are shoes...shoes that cover your feet. They are shoes that you like. You may not like her sneakers but do you look revolted?

I know that a marraige is built on trust, but I think my wife would have much preferred not knowing about my feminine side.

but you don't know that until you tell her. On the other hand would it have been better to find out from someone else? Or as a surprise?

She'd probably rather find out that I have cancer than know that I'm a crossdresser since at least that's "normal".

I know you really don't mean that but as an analogy, but if that were true, how sad she would rather have you ill than happy.

I wonder if she realizes that many of the aspects that she likes about me are due in large part to the woman who is inside of me.

sounds like a good thing to discuss. Actually maybe everything is a good thing to discuss instead of sneaking around web sites that she my find later.

I should have told her my secret before we were married, but then we would have likely not married and I wouldn't have the wonderful kids

You may not have the kids you have now but you would probably still have wonderful kids. When you start thinking of what if I had or had not done something you will never get a true answer because only if you had actually done it would you know what would have happened. Who knows, you may have married a woman who because of your support became the first female president whose main claim to fame is that since her husband taught her to be honest from the start everything is wonderful.

I know nothing will change your mind and how this is going. You have a deep love for your wife I am sure and hate to do anything that would hurt her. What's done is done. You now have to decide how you are going to proceed. One thing for sure is that owning your mistakes is far better than passing them to someone else

[ReineD]

She'd probably rather find out that I have cancer than know that I'm a crossdresser since at least that's "normal".

Well, crossdressing is "normal" too, if the definition for "normal" is the firm existence of a condition among the world population. There are crossdressers of all ages and across all cultures, although admittedly their numbers are few compared to people who have cancer, and there has developed a societal bias against the CDing in many cultures.

It sounds as if your wife needs to learn more about the non-binary nature of gender, and gender non-conformity. Too many people conflate the need to express a gender different than birth with sexual perversion perhaps, and this needs to be corrected.

[bridget thronton]

My experience is that any answer to a direct question better be truthfull. A lie discovered destroys trust between people.

[Marleena]

Why deny it? You got caught, it'll be much easier in the long run. It's not like it was a complete surprise to her.

[Lorileah]

Why deny it? You got caught, it'll be much easier in the long run. It's not like it was a complete surprise to her.

Ah! the old it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission

[GeminaRenee]

Honesty may sometimes hurt, but it's always better than the alternative with someone that you truly love. However bad being honest might have seemed, just think about the pain that would be caused when the house of cards constructed from dishonesty inevitably came tumbling down.

[Marleena]

Ah! the old it is easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission

Lol..yeah this was after the fact.

[reb.femme]

It sounds as if your wife needs to learn more about the non-binary nature of gender, and gender non-conformity. Too many people conflate the need to express a gender different than birth with sexual perversion perhaps, and this needs to be corrected.

Very well stated Reine, however, I don't think the target here would be a willing recipient to any information outside societal norms, if I can call it that.

My wife has some difficulty totalling accepting, but she has said that I can dress whenever I want. The expectation being that the more she sees, the more 'normal' it becomes. After all, I've had 40 ish years to come to terms with me, she has had only a few months.

In general, honesty is the best policy but not always, as many here will testify. However, as you were not totally in the closet I think the truth was best, despite the unpleasant response.

Rebecca x

Rebecca x

[Kristy_Iowa_CD]

Your post really hit home for me. I am in a very similar situation. I have never come out to my wife at all and the reason is because of the disgust and contempt she has when issues of gender and crossdressing have come up in our private conversations (and yes, they have come up as part of my attempts to come out of the closet to her). The irony is she has several friends (two of whom she is very close with) who are gay/lesbian. She is completely accepting of them and has never made a disparaging comment about sexuality. In addition, she has gone to drag-queen shows at a local gay bar with some friends and again, was completely accepting and has never had a negative comment. But bring up the topic of a cross-dressing, straight man in a relationship with a woman and she bristles.

Like you, many of my feminine characteristics are also what attracted my wife to me (she has even commented that some of the things I do/say/etc. are "more like a woman than a guy" - her words). There have also been plenty of clues over the years (like shaving my legs, a long black hair in the sink from my wig, etc.) but she has never commented on any of them. I truly believe that my wife is aware of my cross-dressing but does not want to accept it, which is why she is so hostile when I bring the issue up, but so accepting of gender/sexuality if it is someone else.

I have never had a situation yet where my wife point blank confronted me about something (like your website). And when that does happen I have every intention of being open and honest with her. But for now, I keep Kristy hidden from her and hope that the day I do tell my wife she will be much more accepting than what she has hinted at so far.

[Kate Simmons]

It is Hon but sometimes like Mr. Spock we may have to "exaggerate".

[Darla]

I think we owe it to our wives to be honest with them, even if figuring it out and all the grey areas are part of that honesty. There is no choice for us - as stated numerous times - we can oly continue to be people that love and support them and challenge their concept of gender norms. I love who I am, and I want to give my wife the option of loving all of me. Of she can't (a definite possibility) then we need to continue to be honest and give each other what we need to be happy. I'm always a few feet from that outcome, but nothing will stop me from loving her.

[BLUE ORCHID]

I don't even want to think what might happen if she ever saw this forum.

[heatherdress]

When you hide it, and she knows it, it always seems bad, even if it isn't.

[Eryn]

You were right to own up to it. Even if she's revolted she at least knows that you are honest. I find it sad that some wives just can't get past the stereotypical reaction to CDing.

Now, go out and get your own computer or grab and old one and stick Linux on it. If you're the only one using it then nobody will question your history.

[IngeInCO]

I think that honesty is best. Did anything good ever come from a lie? Not for me

[outhiking]

I know that she saw two books on crossdressing pop up on my Kindle account - they were recommended from this forum - "Crossdressing with Dignity" and "My Husband Wears My Clothes" and when she asked I told her the truth, that I was learning more about myself and these books seemed to help.

I'd love her to see this forum since I know her only idea of crossdressing is the caricatures that shes seen on TV and in films which are not always very positive.

[Stephanie47]

Outhiking, does your wife expect you, as a cross dresser, and any other cross dresser to go barefooted? Would a GG go barefooted?

[Jacqueline Winona]

To answer your question bluntly, no, it isn't always the only or best policy, And I know where you're coming from. Be honest if she asks, but if she doesn't want to know and let's you know as much, then respect her wishes so she doesn't have to confront this, and she can have plasuible deniability even if there is no rational reason for her to need or want it. This is very hard for most women to accept, and those who get that from their SO's really hit the lottery. Most of us just have to hope they can live with it, under "I don't want to know or see it" terms.