Compromising

[AmberDay]

Compromising is very important in a marriage; especially if one falls in the TG spectrum. My wife knew that I was a crossdresser before we were married, but it wasn't until a few years after that, I realized I was a transsexual. I did come out and tell her and it hasn't been easy. I am lucky to have her. Despite all the tears, fights, and disappointments we have come she is still with me. I dress and go out in public. I can dress at home around her, but not the kids. I can occasionally buy items that I need (dresses, clothes, makeup, etc). I had to compromise on a few things though. I want to go get my nails done professionally, but she is uncomfortable with that. So instead, I grow them out naturally. I hate having a hairy chest, but she doesn't want me to shave it. I do shave the top part though so I don't have hair sticking out of the top of my blouses. There is one thing that sucks, but admit I can't have it all. I can't stand my underarm hair. It limits my wardrobe, and I can't stand the way the hair feels. I have a satin cream colored blouse with blue floral designs that is very feminine, and love the way it feels on me. I can't wear it in public though because the sleeves are so short and my pit hair sticks out. Sigh.

Last spring, my wife shaved my pits for me to see if she could get used to it, and it was too much for her. At least she tried, and who knows what the future holds?

Oh well, at least she is still with me, supportive of my adventures and misadventures (see Mortified thread), gives me fashion advice, and loves me.

At least I shave my legs. If I had to choose between shaving legs OR pits, it would definitely be my legs!

Amber

[linda allen]

It's not uncommon for men to get pedicures and even manicures. My wife and I were getting ours done a couple weeks ago and two pretty "macho" men walked in for pedicures. I don't know if they got manicures as well, we were finished and left before they were through with their pedicures. Just don't get pink polish and you'll be fine.

As for the body hair, a compromise is to use a male groomer (electric clipper) with guides to trim the hair to a uniform length. 3/4", 1/2", 1/4", etc. You'll still have hair but it will be less noticable. It won't be like going from Smokey the Bear to a billiard ball overnight.

[Sandra]

Hi Amber,

I'm married to Nigella who is also TS. I think that you really need to sit down and talk with her about you being transexual, does she fully understand what this means? It sounds to me as though she might be thinking well if she can't do this and that then she won't transition. Hope I'm wrong.

[jaanine]

i dont know about you but i think shaved pits are sexy and feminine xo

use nair thank god for nair!!

[kimdl93]

Amber, it seems you and your wife are accomodating each other. I do think that periodically, its reasonable to review the status quo and see if there's a way to accomodate your changing interests. Things like chest hair and pit hair seem emminently negotiable.

[AmberDay]

Hi Amber,

I'm married to Nigella who is also TS. I think that you really need to sit down and talk with her about you being transexual, does she fully understand what this means? It sounds to me as though she might be thinking well if she can't do this and that then she won't transition. Hope I'm wrong.

Yes she knows about what a transsexual is. She drew the line: Any permanent body changes would be the end for her. She isn't a lesbian (although I consider myself one) I would love to start taking hormones, but that would be the end of us. It isn't easy, but if I transition, it won't be until after the kids graduate HS. But by then I would be married for 19 years. Would I be willing to end my marriage of 19 years to transition? I don't know. My wife wonders what will happen after the kids grow as well, be we decided to live in the here and now and not let that ruin our love and dedication for each other now. We don't want to spend the next ten years afraid.

Amber

[kimdl93]

....She isn't a lesbian (although I consider myself one) Amber

I don't suppose she'd be amused, but Gore Vidal once famously said, "There are no homosexuals, on homosexual acts". I don't think its literally true but it made an interesting point.

[ReineD]

It's interesting, the different ways that people identify, who express themselves the same way. You are a TS who goes out dressed, can dress in front of wife but not kids, can shave partially, might consider HRT down the road (SRS & FFS also?), but maybe not, because you don't want to lose your family. At any rate, both you and your wife are willing to live in the moment with the current status quo and not look too deeply into the future, because you both want to enjoy the lives that you currently have.

My SO also is out and about frequently and knows many people who do not know her in male mode. She has no wife or kids (we are not married), so there are no constraints there, ever, plus her job is such that she can do a lot of work independently from being at the office, which allows her a lot of time to be herself. She shaves all over, has even had all her dark facial hair removed through laser, has her own long nails, long hair, pierced ears. She also has looked into HRT and FFS, plus she has experimented with her sexuality (before she met me). Yet, after years of having full freedom, she decided against major surgery on her own and she does not identify as a TS. I suppose her own definition of a TS is a person who from earliest memory has always fully felt female and who hates all aspects of her male self to the point of needing SRS and FFS, in order to live a life having others always see her and treat her as a birth female. My SO has come to the conclusion that this does not describe her no matter how much, over the years, she has experienced a deepening need and desire to express her femininity, since there are aspects of her male life that she finds palatable. So she identifies as dualgender, since this is how she actually chooses to live.

I dare say, that had my SO been married to a GG who also determined when she could dress and what she could shave, like you she also would have felt as if she was compromising since she would not have felt as if she had the freedom to take it as far as she needed to. But, having had constraints placed on her through other people's needs would have been a compromise of her self-expression and not her gender ID although maybe it is difficult to separate the two.

I wish you and you wife all the best with this, and hope that your gender exploration will continue to deepen, so that you can get to a point where you feel as if the decisions you are making are coming from what you want and need internally.

[Brianna612]

My story is close to yours. My X found out about my cross-dressing 4 years into our relationship. She put up with it for a while then told me that I had to quit and get rid of my clothes or else. That was her way of compromising. We tried consoling together but she had her mind made up. I found a good consoler and finally began to understand myself. I knew inside that I would never be happy without dressing. Now I have been with my SO who is a GG for 12 years and we share the closet, clothes and dreams. Couldn’t be happier and wouldn’t have it any other way.

If you can be satisfied with compromising who you are and be happy with your decision then go for it. Remember your kids can see right through you if things aren’t right. They are usually the first to know. I know my kids knew before my X wife did. My relationship with my kids couldn’t be better and guess what, my X is still mad. Imagine being mad for 15 years, I feel sorry for her.

I hope the best for you and your family

[CarolineJameson]

Strange, perhaps, my wife is happy with me shaving armpits, most of my chest (just short trimmed hair invisible under a bra - she really doesn't like the stubbly feel ), but is really sensitive about me shaving my legs.