Are the wives and SO's who try to impose DADT on us fundamentally control freaks...

[Leslie Langford]

.. deep down in their hearts?

I "get" that for many women, a partner's desire to crossdress can be very upsetting. Their rigid socialization as to what male and female roles "should" be, perhaps strongly-held, fundamentalist religious beliefs, the Pandora's Box of trust issues concerning other areas that gets opened up when the CDer finally reveals himself after many years - or even worse, when the wife or SO stumbles onto that fact accidentally - often makes it very hard for them to accept that side of us.

And so begins the long descent into DADT for those couples who still want to keep the marriage or relationship intact, despite the fact that the wives or SO's prefer to dwell on the banks of "de-Nile" after the big reveal...

But it occurs to me that this unyielding opposition to our crossdressing - especially if it means never talking about it again, forcing us underground, making us hide our female clothes from their eyes, refusing to meet the "other girl" or even seeing pictures of her to validate her existence - all of these things must be indicative of more deep-seated issues.

To put it bluntly, these wives and SO's must be control freaks at heart.

My wife prides herself in being assertive, opinionated, and no-body's fool. But she is also very rigid in many other aspects of her life, is a stickler for "following the rules", and has considerable disdain for others who are more free-spirited and willing to follow their hearts and be themselves regardless of what others might think (such as crossdressers - no surprise there). In her mind, these types of people are self-indulgent slackers who need a dose of tough love to get them back onto the straight and narrow. And of course, as she gets older, my wife gets more and more set in her ways...

I, on the other hand, have begun to embrace "Leslie" fully in the last few years and have allowed her to blossom while still trying to adhere as much as possible to my wife's DADT strictures as a way of preserving domestic harmony. And so, we have a classic case of the irresistible force meeting the immovable object, and the outcome is often not pretty.

So my question to the other ladies here on this forum who are laboring under similar circumstances comes down to:

"Are your wives and SO's equally controlling in all other aspects of their (and your) lives, and has their strong aversion to your crossdressing less to to with that activity itself, and more to do with exercising their control over something that they simply do not agree with, and that their opinions must prevail at all costs?"

It would be interesting to see how my situation (perception?) compares with that of others here...

[Thera Home]

Hi Leslie

My situation I believe is similar but different if that makes any sense.
My wife's loving rejection of my crossdressing is more of a woman thing(something Im desparatly trying to figure out) instead of a contolling situation. She's just Hell Bent on that this is something a man should not be doing but to my amazement is becoming more tolerating of it. Is it become of the love between us? Sometimes it makes me wonder. Whatever the case it is a B*T*H working through this (challenge?) and I know that it has made our love stronger for some odd reason.

Thera

[Eryn]

I count my self very lucky to have an accepting spouse. We are closer and do many more things together than we did before she knew about Eryn. We socialize with other CDers and their spouses who are in a similar situation and we all have a great time. It really is no different than any other avocation where husbands get together because they share a common interest but then the couples socialize in a much more general way.

We've often spoken about the DADT situations faced by some of our CDing friends and see it as a tragedy for both parties. The CDer is harmed because it is impossible to be told not to talk about something without it being interpreted as shameful. The spouse is harmed because she is excluded from a significant part of her husband's life and the fun of associating with a very interesting group of friends.

Unfortunately, there is little that will cure DADT situations. The "line in the sand" has been drawn and absolute edicts are nearly impossible to rescind or modify. If the cause of the edict is religious there is little hope because the person has already decided that their religion is more important than their spouse. If the cause is sociological there might be a glimmer of hope, but it is likely that the person is clinging to the simplistic view that CDing as a fetish that will either go away or be cured. That can be addressed with education, but only if the person is open to being educated. If they're counting on their "tough love" to cure their spouse they won't be open to learning about CDing at all.

Overall, I think that the best approach is to set a good example for the general public. CDers are going out more than ever these days. When we're out with a large group of CDers and spouses it is pretty obvious. It's also obvious that we're all getting along well and otherwise exist normally in society. It may be that some of the onlookers are spouses who someday may have "the talk" with their husbands. They might remember the CDers they saw and realize that we are part of society too and that GGs coexist very happily with CDers. If that prevents a DADT situation from being created in the first place it can be counted as a small victory.

[Leslie Langford]

You make a number of very valid points here, Eryn.

I, too, have gotten to know a number of GG's in "Leslie" mode in the last 5 years that I have been out and about en femme, and not only are they amazingly supportive, they also seem to genuinely like "Leslie", enjoy her company, and are quite intrigued by her overall.

I realize that there is a different dynamic at play here, and it is far different for a GG to be married to a CDer and accept him, as such as opposed to only having a superficial relationship with him the way a platonic female friend would. Hits way too close to home when a marriage or a similar committed relationship is involved...

But I do cherish these GG friends in a very special way, as their unconditional acceptance of "Leslie" shows that this is possible, and contrary to what my wife might claim not "all" women are put off by crossdressers. So to that end, these GG friends have provided a much needed balance to my life, helped "Leslie" feel good about herself, and allowed her to spread her wings the way she has in the last few years.

[Anna B]

Hi Leslie.

Great that you have GG friends as you do, and long may it continue. I'm jealous!

However, I have heard a saying that girls like a man to be a CD, but not their man! How does that strike?

[darla_g]

I asked this question of my wife and her response is that its not being a control freak at all! She says that sometimes it is a matter of safety in some cases. Crossdressing is not universally accepted so it is a matter of who you wish to know about it.

[Stephenie S]

May I try to present a slightly different point of view?

I can understand DADT and I don't think that it is "necessarily" a bad thing. I have used this example several times in the past so I am sure the old-timers are sick of it.

For example: I believe that killing other living things is morally wrong. However, were my husband a hunter I would never think of forbidding that behavior. But I certainly would want a DADT on the hunting.

Don't bring home your bloody clothing and ask me to wash it.
Don't ask me to eat any of it.
Don't talk about it.


Go do what makes you happy, just don't expect me to participate in any way. This is DADT.

I am willing to bet that plenty of wives think this way about crossdressing. I do.

Truth in Advertizing:I have in the past referred to crossdressing as a deal breaker. I guess I have changed my mind. Hanging about here may have broadened my attitude (pun intended). I can imagine a situation where I could accept it. You know? I guess it depends on the person. (duh)

Hunting, crossdressing, I guess I mostly don't care as long as you don't try to rub my face in it (participate).

See what I mean?

Stephie

Not that I think DADT is a good thing, I don't. I just can understand instances where it might be a deal saver.

[Gillian Gigs]

The problem with being a,"stickler for "following the rules"", is that there are many things that are just meant to be general guide lines. By example: I can have a drink whenever I want and it does not bother me at all. But, the reformed drunk, will say that all drinking is bad, because it is for them. They are putting their weakness toward everyone, and the bottle has no hold on many people. It, to me is people putting everything into black and white, when we live in a world of color.

"People are self-indulgent slackers who need a dose of tough love to get them back onto the straight and narrow", who's defination of slackers are we supposed to use? Is tough love, a good beating with a cane, whip, jail time, well maybe not a whip, that might be kinky for them. Lastly, who is to judge what the straight and narrow is? Sorry for the rant, but we live in a world with to many judges, juries and executioners, and everybody seems to think that they fit into one of those positions. Would they like to be judged by their own standards, I think not! They usually have different standards for themselves.

[Kate T]

I do not think DADT is a good or viable long term option for ANY issue in a marriage, least of all this one.

BUT I do no think those SO's who wish / request a DADT approach are control freaks. They are coping the best they know how. The communication lines go both ways, if an SO can only cope with DADT then maybe they need understanding and help to move past DADT (which I agree is a sort of denial) and engage in communication that moves towards acceptance.

Once you truly know and understand your enemy, at that moment in time you will also truly love them. Then you have a choice. You can either crush them, destroy them completely, or save them. (Modified from Orsonn scott-Card).

In this take your pick, your wife is your enemy or maybe even more abstractly, denial is the enemy. Either way, you must truly understand them before you can either destroy the denial and / or save your wife.

[Miriam-J]

Each couple needs to understand its own most fundamental foundations. For my wife and me, open communication is the most important facet, along with quality time together and plenty of "quality" touching. Though some subjects are difficult given our very different opinions on some topics that are very important to each of us, each of us is committed to taking on those subjects together anyway - with attendant sensitivity and respect. In this view, DADT would be an abomination.

I cannot fathom a successful relationship which can include DADT on any matter, especially on a matter that is so very important to either or both. This entails walling off an important part of your psyche, essentially denying its validity with respect to your partner, or denying the need for communication. If this type of communication is to be exempted, what else is ignored. Does this mean one person can also ignore the others concerns for care of children, sexual urges, or even handling of financial affairs. Is such partitioning a valid approach to life together. Perhaps I just don't have sufficient expertise or experience to understand.

I don't see DADT as a result of control, but as a result of lack of communication and respect. Essentially one person is telling the other that their beliefs and urges are not worth discussion or consideration, that their point of view is invalid and worthless. Are there enough positive aspects of the relationship to overcome this judgement? Perhaps it's possible, but I can't see it.

Miriam

[ReineD]

"Are your wives and SO's equally controlling in all other aspects of their (and your) lives, and has their strong aversion to your crossdressing less to to with that activity itself, and more to do with exercising their control over something that they simply do not agree with, and that their opinions must prevail at all costs?"

It seems as if my friends were much more easy going when they were younger. I have a childhood girlfriend whom I see every year when I visit my home town, who MUST have everything her way and who disapproves of lifestyles that are not her own. We went shopping last month, and she insisted, no, she dictated what I should and should not buy. I love her dearly, I know her well, and her controlling behaviors do not upset me. But this is easy since I don't live with her, and the matter under discussion is never whether I should or should not express a fundamental part of myself ... (and I did buy the black teddy she felt that I HAD to buy, because it was only $10 ... a black, stretch lace little number).

I have several other friends, also in their 50s, who are similarly opinionated on a variety of subjects. I do think that age plays a big part in this.

Also, I think there are a fair number of people who don't feel comfortable with things they do not understand, or who don't enjoy "not knowing". Free fall is death to them. They feel safer when everything is filed away into nice, neat little boxes.

[Amanda_P]

My wife has the same problem. She believes I'm either gay or a fruitcake tulip or other names she likes to call me. She tells me she isn't a lesbian and I must want to be a woman becuase I do this. And then turn around when we went to Walmart she picks out a cute pair of PJs for me and a really cute blouse at a yard sale earlier. I just will never understand her

[Tara D. Rose]

Leslie, you are one of my friends. We as CD's can find all kind of GG's that accept us as a friend, but I do think that these GG's would not accept their own husbands if they we cd's. It's easy for these kinds of GG's that will accept, but I have seen it so many times that they will accept a cd as a friend, but that acceptance does have it's limits, it's like okay at the local pub, but not if it is in their own back yard. Like if their husbands were cd. Yes we do have accepting SO's and wives, and they are great, I have that benefit by way of my wife. I used to have a lot of GG friends at so many clubs I used to play and perform at, I could have been Tara in all of those years, and they,(GG's) would have been the same towards me. But , and that's a heavy BUT, I do not think they would have been just accepting to their own husbands. I mean it's okay and they are not judgemental and are accepting as long as it's not in their back yard.
Bottom line, they would accept you as a cd and a friend, but not as a husband. How many threads and post from here and other sites prove what I say. It's good you have GG friends that accept you as a cd. But I do think , that acceptance has it's limits, just not in their home. Am I wrong??

[Erica2Sweet]

I don't believe all wives who wish to DADT are control freaks. Some, perhaps many, just aren't able to immediately cope with the reality of their husband's crossdressing.

Chalking it up to the wife being a control freak is just another way to make the wife appear to be the bad guy for not being able or willing to be accepting.

[Tara D. Rose]

I don't believe all wives who wish to DADT are control freaks. Some, perhaps many, just aren't able to immediately cope with the reality of their husband's crossdressing.

Chalking it up to the wife being a control freak is just another way to make the wife appear to be the bad guy for not being able or willing to be accepting.

Of course not all wives. But I do feel all wives had a problem with it one way or the other, at least to some large or small degree. It wasn't like a wife said, what's that? you're a cross dresser?, oh okay, no problem, where are we going to eat tonight?

[Babeba]

I agree with many of the above posters. Sometimes DADT is temporary, sometimes it is ongoing, but it is always to try and help that wife to understand or live with something they were not prepared for and don't know how to deal with in any other way.

Women are socialized from a young age to defer to others (especially men), to cooperate, accommodate and put others first. When a wife (particularly from a generation which formed pre-Internet, when this social pressure was harder) puts her foot down on this stuff, I don't think she does it because she is a control freak, but because she just is having trouble processing this stuff and gets defensive of is ubderstandably worried about safety.If cross dressing is threatening their concept of what their life is like, then they may try to resolve it by DADT. I think what a cross dresser needs to do is show that wife their quality of life does not change when he is being feminine more often, that it doesn't threaten job security, and that you won't be beat up in the street when you step Outside. Then they need to learn about how dressing may have some benefits to this for their spouse or themselves.

[TVAmanda]

That's a very interesting opinion you have there Leslie but no I don't think it has anything to do with being a control freak. A very important factor I feel is did they know about the crossdressing before or after the relationship started. The way you have written your question makes me think that your crossdresing was revealed after the relationship had begun?

When you get married or enter a relationship your partner has certain rights. One of those rights is the right to assume that how you present to the world, and your partner, is a true and accurate representation of the real you. A crossdresser who marries without telling their wife before the marriage has lied and married under false pretences and has no right to demand or expect that their wife will then accept it. The vast majority of woman do not want a crossdresser for a husband so to think that a wife who doesn't accept crossdressing is a control freak is delusional at best.

[Aloha Jayne]

I have been married for 23 years. So for about 25 years now, I have been unsuccessful in my efforts to convince my SO that we are not going to die in a firey automobile accident any time that I am behind the wheel. I always let her drive when possible, but when I am driving she is a nervous wreck, and insists on telling me how to drive, and WATCH OUT and slow down etc. Which is all-in-all, very distracting. Now, I actually drive race cars, and have driven for a living in one form or another for 30 years. I have had very few accidents, none in the last 10 years, and no speeding tickets. I can become agressive when someone cuts me off, but for the most part I am striving to drive as carefully as possible because I want her to calm the f### down and relax!

When I came out to her this year, she (we) decided she needed to talk to someone. She found a therapist locally and we both went for several months. And, with the help of her therapist, she was able to see that she has "control issues". Not being in control makes her very uncomfortable and uneasy, and she will quickly begin to try to gain control if she can. She is a very friendly and easy going person otherwise, and not at all over bearing, and isn't insistant on getting her way. But is unhappy if she doesn't.

So my question is this: If I cannot get her to accept the fact that we probably aren't going to die in car crash, what chances do I have that she will ever accept my CDing, and just give up trying to control something that she doesn't even understand? For her at least, DADT isn't even an option, because that would mean she was giving up control. And she willingly knows this, but isn't capable of changing who she is. Yes, it would be better to have open and honest discussions with each other, which is why I came out to her in the first place. But she would have to let go of the steering wheel first.

[kristinacd55]

Interesting thread Leslie.....my wife WAS controlling, or tried to with regards to my drinking and basically the rest of my life including crossdressing. She was also that way with our 2 girls, but back in February when she started dating, she stopped being controlling to me and poof changes have come our way big time. Now, there's no control nor does she want to work on our marriage either. Overall, this change has been great for both of us (except the fact that I still want to stay married lol) because we're both free. Incredibly, it's been a huge life changer and we're both better off because of it. It's taken a hugely different mind set on my part, and having support with friends (tg, regulars, and also aa) has helped enormously.

[melissakozak]

Our wives have a different set of problems than us. First, they have to grapple with the usual problems and questions of whether or not we want to transition, our orientation, etc. Secondly, it DOES make them feel insecure in so far as it challenges HER femininity. "Am I not woman enough?" The list becomes almost impossibly endless, and then the self identity questions come up. "I am not a lesbian...." So, in our spouses head swirl a myriad number of questions and identity problems she probably had no idea she would ever face, so you are left with an insecure situation. The solutions seem to be either to be open discussion or DADT. IF the spouse is not really open to any of it, then DADT is the best policy....I think. Problem with DADT is intimacy issues due to no longer sharing such a big part of YOUR life. So, many of us are really in a tough situation no matter what.

I am fortunate. I came out early, before marriage, and I let her know this is something I AM, not something I DO. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR SPOUSE. Baby, you were born with it....

[sometimes_miss]

I don't think so; women have historically always drawn much more of their self identity from who and what the man they marry is. Remember, until very recently nearly 100% of women took their husband's name when they go married. When I hear women talk to each other at work, who 'got the best catch' as far as a male mate was concerned was always a big thing in the pecking order. I think to a great deal it still is. Read the girl's and woman's magazines and things really haven't changed much over the years. Think about it; when was the last time you heard a woman proclaiming how great her husband was to other women, by saying what great taste he has in dresses, purses, woman's shoes, etc.? I never have. Ever. And I work with about 90% female coworkers. So I don't think it's a matter of being 'control freaks'; I think it's more a matter of having what is traditionally seen as a successful male as a mate, or at least, a masculine one.

[Krististeph]

I'd not imagine 'control freaks' so much as perhaps lacking the confidence to have a spouse who does not fit into their tidy neat little world view.

As Melissa (and Lady Gaga) said- you were born with it / that way... many religions do not believe this is so. They cannot deal with ambiguity.

I just saw a reality show about two girls, twins conjoined at the body. essentially - one body - two heads. They were graduating college- going into elementary school teaching. Did 4 years of student teaching. The schools introduces the students gradually, first explaining, then show pictures, and telling the kids about the girls' story- they then ask if the kids had any questions- nope. None of the kids in any of the classes ever had a problem! They were curious, but they came to realize this is simply something that happens when twin embryos stick together. Wierd, but natural.

So if an adult cannot accept that a person might want to be or act female instead of male, i'd say they've had a really poor and closeted upbringing, much to the disgrace of their parents, if anyone is to blame.

just my 2 cents.

-Kristi

[TeresaL]

It's a double whammy if a spouse is not up to speed in understanding that this is more from an inborn need and not a simple choice. In some cases, DADT may be linked to the lack of knowledge about it. Things will not change if they do not approach the table with an open mind and be willing to learn.

Even a domineering person can be ok with transgender spouses. They just have to be on top.

[Leslie Langford]

I agree with many of the above posters. Sometimes DADT is temporary, sometimes it is ongoing, but it is always to try and help that wife to understand or live with something they were not prepared for and don't know how to deal with in any other way.

Women are socialized from a young age to defer to others (especially men), to cooperate, accommodate and put others first. When a wife (particularly from a generation which formed pre-Internet, when this social pressure was harder) puts her foot down on this stuff, I don't think she does it because she is a control freak, but because she just is having trouble processing this stuff and gets defensive of is ubderstandably worried about safety.If cross dressing is threatening their concept of what their life is like, then they may try to resolve it by DADT. I think what a cross dresser needs to do is show that wife their quality of life does not change when he is being feminine more often, that it doesn't threaten job security, and that you won't be beat up in the street when you step Outside. Then they need to learn about how dressing may have some benefits to this for their spouse or themselves.

I hear what you're saying, Babeba, and agree with you for the most part. But where you lose me is in the fact that people do change over time (some more, some less) as does the world around us, and we need to be flexible enough to accommodate this.

When my wife and I married 35+ plus years ago, there was no Internet, very little was known about the subject of crossdressing, and what little there was, was very negative. We were "transvestites", this was considered to be an aberrant, fetishistic, sexually deviant practice, and society ranked us just slightly above pedophiles on the "creep" index. So of course, finding out that your husband or partner was a crossdresser would be highly upsetting to a woman, and the first inclination would be for her to either walk away from the relationship or else to suppress it in any way possible (enter: fingers in the ear while chanting lalalalalala!, DADT etc.) A perfectly normal reaction given the temper of the times, and one that I can understand fully. Hence, my unconditional acceptance of DADT at the time.

But the world has changed, and so have I.

Gays and lesbians have now come fully out of the closet, gone totally mainstream, and for the most part are now seen as valuable, contributing members of society who just happen to be a little bit "different". Similarly, over the last 10 years or so, there has been an explosion regarding the information available out there about both crossdressing and transgenderism in general. Laws are being passed everywhere to include gender identity as well as sexual orientation on the list of items for which discrimination is no longer tolerated.

One can hardly open up a newspaper or turn on the television these days without seeing an article, a show, or a documentary on transgenderism, a person who either wants to (or has) transitioned, and how they are integrating into society with the help of family and employers who are increasingly sympathetic and understanding with respect to their plight.

H*ll, even Dr. Phil finally "gets it", and we have seen transgendered/transsexual individuals such as androgynous model Andrej Pejic, America's Next Top Model Isis King, and Miss Universe Canada Jennna Talackova make huge strides in gaining mainstream acceptance - and even managing to put powerful, uber-macho blowhards like Donald Trump in their place in the process.

The big topic these days is transgendered children, how this condition is being detected and recognized earlier and earlier, and how progressive parents are dealing with it in a positive way. The recommended action in response to this is increasingly to take a non-interventionist approach so as not to damage the child's developing psyche. In some cases, this includes allowing them to go on beta-blockers before they reach puberty so that they can make their own decision as to which way they want to go once they are old enough to make that life-changing decision.

This is a far cry from when I was young, and when I shamefully had to hide this part of me for fear of upsetting the world around me. Fortunately, there is also a growing awareness of just how at-risk these transgendered children are when it comes to attempting suicide because they feel so isolated and alone - so all the more reason to treat them sympathetically, and to make every effort to make their lives better.

This is the world I currently live in, and no longer feel any guilt or shame over being transgendered. If anything, I now embrace it, frequently go out in public en femme , and find total acceptance everywhere I go - except at home. I just wish my wife would also get in tune with the times and join me in this kinder, gentler world...

[Tina B.]

The real problem with DADT is not wither your wife is a control freak or not, it really doesn't matter. The reason for DADT is not important, what is important is, only one person can be truly happy with DADT, and that is the one that doesn't want to hear it.
As long as you give in to it and play along, they get everything they want, and you get nothing, right where you where at when no one in the world but you knew. and every thing must be hidden, and if you get out you should feel a certain amount of guilt to go with it. You have to steal time, and money from the family, because I'm sure if you can't talk about it, she doesn't want you spending money on it.
So what do you get out of DADT, a happy wife, but one that doesn't seem to care if she has a happy husband, I don't see that that is getting much in the bargain.
Tina B.