How's best to tell her? GGs please read

[Amy A]

Hi all,

I know now, that someday in the next six months or so, I'm going to have to tell my girlfriend of 10 years about my gender identity problems, and the crossdressing. You may well ask why I haven't told her sooner, but as some of you will know I spent a long time thinking I could beat this and I'm only just starting to accept myself now.

So I've been putting a lot of thought into how I will tell her, and at the moment I think I'm going to go with a letter. I thought this way I could let her read it in her own time, on her own, then we could talk when she wanted to. Is this a good idea or is it better coming from me in person?

Also, I'm aware from reading other threads that the last thing she will want is to have this forced on her in any way. I'm really only interested in being honest with her at this stage and have no real desire to dress in her presence until we both feel comfortable and able to deal with the situation. If that day never comes, then so be it. Is it best, once the initial talk is out of the way, to leave the subject alone until she raises it, or will this seem like I'm just trying to brush it under the carpet?

Anyone can answer this, but I'd be especially interested to read any replies from any of the GGs on the forum, as well as people who have come out but would do things differently if they had to do it again. My aim is to make this whole thing as painless as it possible can be, or at least do it right so I'm not making things worse. I'm aware she might just leave me, but as far as I'm concerned she has every right to, because I've not been honest with her.

Sorry for the long post, thanks all.

[Amy A]

Why do you want to wait 6 months 'or so'? A letter is very impersonal. Eye to eye is better.

I want to wait for a bit because I don't want to ruin some important days for her over the next few months, and hopefully within six months we'll have also sold the house and moved into somewhere rented so if she wants to leave there will be less in the way of her doing so.

[Lorileah]

actually a letter is not a bad way to go BUT I would be there while she read it so that she could ask questions and sso that you can be there to support her. A letter allows you to make sure you have all the information there.

"Painless" is not surprising her. So dropping a letter and going away would be bad. It makes you look ashamed for one thing and you should not be ashamed. Plan it out to make sure you have time together. A nice quiet time with no interruptions. You cannot change the past so you have to control the future. Remember the longer you let this go, the more it looks like you have been subversive. You have 10 years together, six months may not make a huge difference but you will have to explain why you hid this important part from her. Expect that she will be hurt more from the deception and perceived distrust than of your dressing. Be prepared for tears, either of pain or joy. Be prepared to be honest from now on. Don't tell her what you think she wants to hear. From now on...open and honest right?

It is easy to put off this revelation as you know and by saying you will do it in 6 months or so, allows you to forget to do it at all, talk yourself out of it, or postpone it another 10 years.

I would also let her know about this site and the support from the GG's here. She will have a million questions and some you cannot answer, but the GG's here have been through.

Good luck

[MissyDuskGG]

It's wonderful to hear that you're starting to accept yourself. Not always the easiest thing to do. I understand that you want to wait until the time is right but the longer you wait, the harder it will for you to talk about it. And the sooner you get it over with, the better. Although the letter seems easier, telling her face-to-face WILL make a big difference. Leave her be until she wants to fully discuss it. I hope things go well for you and your girlfriend.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rachel, By all means if you do it with a letter make sure that you stay with her.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

I would agree, if you feel you may not say it right, then a letter could be good but pick a good time to give her the letter and stay with her whilst ashe reads it. When you give it to her, make sure you tell her that above all, you love her and that you never wanted to deceive her, and that if she has anything at all she wants to ask you, or talk over with you, then she is free to ask whatever she likes and you will answer her with honesty. Even if you dont know the answer, tell her you dont know the answer- be absolutely truthful.

Once she's read the letter, if she hasnt run for the hills, it might be a good idea to leave it for her to bring up anything she wants to talk about.

I know when my husband told me I didnt really have any immediate questions but they soon came - once I'd had a chance to process the news.

I wish you luck and whilst I appreciate you dont want to ruin any forthcoming important days/events for your GF, dont put it off too long, the longer you wait, the harder it inevitably gets.

[BRANDYJ]

Do you have any idea about how she feels about any alternative lifestyles? Is she open-minded and understanding about gays and lesbians, or is she opposed to them? How does she feel about BDSM and related things? All of these things can give you a clue as to how she will react.
As most GG's will tell you, the worst thing she will react to is your hiding this from her for 10 years. It's like a deceit and also shows lack of trust in her by you. Of course you had other reasons to keep it from her. Mostly a fear of losing her or her seeing you less a man. In time she may understand that.
If you find it hard to tell her you have something very important to discuss with her and don't think you can face her, then the letter idea is a good one. But tell her in advance that you are writing a letter so she can prepare herself for whatever earth shattering thing you are going to tell her in that letter. Chances are she will think it's something worse that what you carefully explain to her in that letter. That might make it easier for her to deal with. The one thing I like about the letter idea is that you can't be interrupted or taken off track of your thoughts in your explaining things to her. She would have time to digest it and think about it before the eventual response from her. It really depends on how you interact with each other. Do you have fights or bad arguments? Is the love strong between you? Any other major problems in the relationship? All of these things will play a part on how she deals with your coming out to her.
If you've been together for 10 years, you must have some idea about how she will react based on her sense of acceptance of those different then her. Her religious beliefs may play a part in this too. In fact in all those 10 years, she may already have a clue of suspicion about you liking to wear women's clothes.
In the end, only you know how to do this based on who she is and how well you can communicate together.
All I can say is the sooner you do it the better. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

[Cynthia Anne]

The thing(s) I like about the letter is you can spend some time thinking of what to say and how to word it! Add to it subtract from it if you feel you need to! Myself I do use my mouth and can't seem to keep my foot out of it! Be careful and good luck!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rachel

I suggest you read the link in my signature on how to tell your partner

It was written by a GG who is a member here and has lots of great advice

[Queen]

Not a GG, but I have had a discussion with my wife of 6 years. Early in our relationship she 'complained' that I wasn't opening up to her, that I was hiding something from her. So I sat on the edge of the bathtub, mustered my courage, and told her that I liked to wear panties. She asked why, we had a discussion, and she accepted it. We have gone shopping together since.

Given what you have said, I would say this. A face to face conversation is your best choice. If your worried about forgetting to say something, write yourself speaking notes. But have an honest face to face conversation with your girlfriend. The face to face lets her see the emotions play across your face as you talk to her. If you write a letter, even if your sitting across from her as she reads it, is still the written word open to interpretation. They say that something like 70% to 90% of communication is non-verbal. If you write a letter, your not letting your girlfriend read that 'missing part' that is your emotions playing across your face and body. About how nervous you are about how she'll react (demonstrating that her opinion is VERY Important to you), or about how excited you are at the possibility of her accepting you dressing.

I know it's hard, but I would strongly encourage you to tell her face to face.

[reb.femme]

The thing(s) I like about the letter is you can spend some time thinking of what to say and how to word it! Add to it subtract from it if you feel you need to!

This is exactly what I did, using jenniferathome's letter as a template and amending to suit me. Cut and paste was my God during this time. Therefore, when the time came, I was fully prepared and the whole thing flowed rather than the very awkward umm and aah session that may otherwise have ensued.
This was in April 2012 after many years of marriage.

Verbal was the way to go for me but I can't stress enough, in your own time and in your own style. Only you know your personal circumstances.

Reb

[Amy A]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I think I've decided on a middle ground based on the advice you've all given me; I'm going to write a letter but I will read it to her. That way, I'll say everything I need to say but without rambling. What I will then do, once I've finished reading it out, is just shut the hell up and let her have time to react and ask questions.

I'm not sure when will be the best time to do it, but I do think it's selfish to put this on her at times that she should be either celebrating or concentrating on other important things. I promise I won't leave it too long though.

Thanks especially to the GGs that replied (MissyduskGG and Silentpartner), I raelly value hearing your perspectives on this.

Shelly: Thanks for pointing me towards that thread, it is really useful.

Brandy: She's not religious in any way, and has gay and lesbian friends. She wouldn't judge or discriminate against anyone based on sexuality. I don't think her view of BDSM is relevant as my dressing is not a fetish or sexual, and I certainly won't be asking her to do anything along those lines. I trust her more than anyone, but it's only now that I'm learning to accept myself and this is the main reason that I haven't told her before. I always felt I could repress it. That, and of course a real fear of losing her. I don't really care about seeming less of a man, that's not why she's with me anyway . We are best friends and we almost never argue. I think though that the unknown factor here comes in when you consider that she's not hearing that a friend or colleague is a crossdresser, she will be finding out that I am, her long term boyfriend and potential husband. It's a very different scenario, as she has a lot more vested in me.

My girlfriend is my world, I love and worship her, and I truly do feel terrible for what I'm about to put her through. I only hope that she can forgive me.

Thanks again everyone.

[Jenniferathome]

Enclosed in my signature is what I did.

Tell here face to face. Write it down first and practice it. Questions will come. Answer them honestly. That's all you can do.

[MelanieB]

Enclosed in my signature is what I did.

Tell here face to face. Write it down first and practice it. Questions will come. Answer them honestly. That's all you can do.

Rachel.....this is very sound advice from Jennifer

When I deceided to come clean to my SO I prepared and rehearsed in exactly this fashion and then presented it to her

A few weeks later she said it was almost identical to a post she had read on a forum she had joined......Jennifers post here.....my SO.......Silentpartner

And no I wasnt a member here at the time....it was all my own work

So it can work OK!!

[Tina B.]

You know her best, so you know which way she could understand best, as for the right time to tell, it doesn't come, there is never a good time, and putting it off just start to look like excuses.
Tina B.

[Cindy_Act]

Splendid advice provided on Shelly Preston's link. Confessing is always a risk. My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years and I confessed after 25 years. Five years on, my crossdressing is still not "accepted" but tollerated on the provisio that she has nothing at all to do with it. I recently said that I had wished I had confessed before we were married. She responded with..."things might have worked out differently then". So yeah a risk but nevertheless, I still wish I had told her before marriage. Life would have been much less complicated.

[Bree-asaurus]

I think the reading a letter to her is a good idea. That way you can make sure you remember to say everything you want to say.

I won't say you should tell her now because I don't know what kinds of important things she's going to be dealing with... I'll take your word for it. But just remember, there's ALWAYS going to be reasons to not tell her yet. Just don't let it keep slipping a few more weeks... a few more months... a few more years...

And after you two begin talking about all this, give her time to adjust before you start SHOWING her who you are. Let her get used to the idea of you crossdressing or transitioning or whatever it is before you start running around in dresses in front of her. When you get to the point that you start talking about doing things that she has to see or deal with, or you going out in public, etc, talk to her about it FIRST. Don't give her any unexpected surprises.

Prepare yourself for the worst, but hope for the best.

And good luck

[Dawn cd]

First of all, when you talk to your gf, don't identify them as gender identity "problems." They are gender identity "gifts." Most of society is locked into rigid notions of what constitutes male and female. Your mission is to save them, and your girlfriend, from stilted ways of thinking. They may not realize it at first, but you are really here to set them free.

[Barbara Ella]

There is little to add (never stopped me in the past so......lol) to the excellent advice you are receiving. I followed the advice here when I came out to my wife. The coming out went well, it was the weeks aftger that that got to her, but she is accepting now. You seem to have arrived at a good way to do it. I can only add support to you, and reaffirm that you are doing a good thing in the right way. Only you will know when the time is right. I stood at the bottom of the stairs for nearly a full week before it felt right and i went upstairs. Be prepared for any response in the book. My wife laughed when i told her I was a crossdresser, until she saw the look in my eyes, and then she cried. Just be honest and sincere when you do it.

Barbara

[Lainie]

No letter. You'd put way too much of the wrong stuff in.
Just say "I want to share something, but I've been afraid for a long time that you wouldn't accept it. You mean the world to me, and I just hate myself for keeping secrets from you.". Then she'll say "what secrets?". You say "I really enjoy dressing as a woman" (or wearing women's clothes, however you feel most comfortable)
Then she'll ask a lot of questions. Try to answer as fully and honestly as you can. Sometimes "I don't know" will be the truth.
You may be surprised at what concerns her. Don't waste her time with things that don't worry her.

She may say "hooray" or "goodbye" or something in between. Write the letter if it helps you think, but don't distract her with it.

[Rogina B]

I took a novel approach years ago very contrary to what Bree suggested. I met up with my wife while we were at a mall. She didn't recognize nor bat an eye at my apearance.She was just plain flabbergasted,but realized that I wasn't new to presenting in public as Rogina... Anyway,we have had many,many..lol discussions over the years since and it all worked out so far for me. My 10 yr old daughter is quite happy to accompany "Aunt Rogina" to the local grocery store..I knew in my gut that I had to show my wife,not talk or write her a note about it... You have lots of choices.. Rogina

[STACY B]

Not going to give any advice !! But remember this if she is going to go for it ,,,, She will ,,,If not she won't . Letter ,, Talk ,, Billboard ,, Air Plain Streamer ,, Meassage on the side of a Blimp ,, She will or she won't there is no good bad or ugly way to do it ,,, WILL or WON'T . >>> CRAP SHOOT>>>>

[Jilmac]

Well Rachel, The letter approach seems like it could be a viable method however she might have a more negative reaction than if you told her face to face. This is a difficult call to make not knowing your gf or her moods and habits. Sometimes dropping hints about transgender issues (in general) can be an ice breaker, and also let you know how she feels about others in the transgender world. No matter which method you choose, I wish you all the best of luck.

[Kim D.]

hey rachel im a gg and my wife just came out to me a 2 months ago. we have been together for eight years and married seven. i know its hard for you to tell your girl friend but i know once that you do come out to her. i believe things will go great for yall. if she accepts it. take your time with her dont push that will not be good. slow and easy. take it in steps and i know i had questions and i did ask alot just be honest with her sweetie. thats the best thing to do. i do hope this helps you some. my wife and i talked she didnt put hers in a letter. but if you think thats best thats great hon.

[BeautifulDreamer]

Yeah you should definitely sit down and have a heart to heart consversation with her. It's for the best for the two of you