She Says "Can't You Be Affectionate?"

[RebeccaLynne]

OK, let me set the scene... we've just finished watching the latest installment of "Boardwalk Empire". She's reclining au naturel on the bed, with me sitting on a chair alongside, my legs stretched out near the foot of the bed. If you've watched the series, you know it has some steamy sequences... and I think it stimulates her libido.

I said, "I should get going, I'm tired, and it's a long drive home". Mind you, I'd worked all day, gone to her home afterward, and had taken her out to one of our favorite Mexican eateries for take-out. I hadn't taken a shower, nor had brought a change of clothes. She had to get up for work in the morning, and I'd be off, so I needed to leave.

She's aware of my CD'ing, has spent time with me doing so, and... isn't comfortable with it. I've told her that it is important to me to be accepted for who I am, and in whatever clothing I'm wearing. She believes I should "be a man", and eschew the desire to express a feminine side...

Consequently, I feel rejected. And it's hard to express affection when I can't be myself.

I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking as I do. Wouldn't it be nice if our SO's would love us enough to allow us the courtesy of dressing as we desire?

[AllieSF]

That sounds like a pretty good question from her, in my opinion. It kind of reminds me in a lesser scale of when I see a couple at a nice restaurant and they hardly say more than 20 words to each other during the course of the meal. I makes me think that that couple have lost some interest in each other. Now that comment is based on what I understand that you have written. Did I understand it correctly?

[RebeccaLynne]

That sounds like a pretty good question from her, in my opinion. It kind of reminds me in a lesser scale of when I see a couple at a nice restaurant and they hardly say more than 20 words to each other during the course of the meal. I makes me think that that couple have lost some interest in each other. Now that comment is based on what I understand that you have written. Did I understand it correctly?

Allie, I wasn't able to complete the post initially... I hit the "Enter" key too soon; I've edited to complete my thoughts. And I appreciate your prompt reply... you're quick on the trigger!

[Beverley Sims]

As the situation is at the moment maybe you can not continue the relationship without a LOT of work on either side.

[darla_g]

not knowing the entire relationship dynamic here, why do you think the dressing is the hold up here? I may be interpreting this wrong, but it seems like she was throwing herself at you (especially with her comment) and you chose to get up and leave. Why didn't you shower up and maybe join here on the bed?

I always believe that a significant other can accept the dressing if its kept in balance within the relationship.

[RebeccaLynne]

As the situation is at the moment maybe you can not continue the relationship without a LOT of work on either side.

Bev, I've thought a lot about where our relationship is headed. I understand her position, and I think she understands mine...
and I'm not sure an agreeable accommodation can be reached... I'd like to know what "work" (by that I mean what level of compromise) readers here might find acceptable.

[Wildaboutheels]

It's tue what they say.

Love is blind.

But because Love IS [or often is] blind, it's easy to fall into THAT trap - that "Love conquers all".

Only in Fairy Tales.

Sounds like an impasse to me.

[RebeccaLynne]

not knowing the entire relationship dynamic here, why do you think the dressing is the hold up here? I may be interpreting this wrong, but it seems like she was throwing herself at you (especially with her comment) and you chose to get up and leave. Why didn't you shower up and maybe join here on the bed?

Darla, my GF has stated that my CD'ing is "icky and weird". She actually said that. That hurts. She's since softened her stance, saying she realizes I enjoy it, and she can accept it... just not in her presence.
I long to let myself be passionate and uninhibited with an accepting partner... and if I shower and shave, why not some makeup and nice lingerie to heighten my libido? I wanna feel sexy, too... and being a "macho" guy doesn't do it for me.

I always believe that a significant other can accept the dressing if its kept in balance within the relationship.

As long as I CD by myself, she's Ok with it. Spending time together, she's not. I guess that's a balance... but it certainly doesn't encourage intimacy on my part; only a sense of distance and isolation.

[Foxglove]

I have to say that this doesn't sound too promising. We want to be accepted, but some people just can't do that. We're made the way we are, and they're made the way they are.

Good luck, Annabelle

[RebeccaLynne]

"Love conquers all".

And love hurts.

Sounds like an impasse to me.

Yeah, Wild. Very little ground gained in over five years of an exclusive, monogamous relationship. You'd think she'd be happy to have a committed partner, albeit the reality of my affinity for all things feminine.

What did she think i was attracted to from the beginning?

[Foxglove]

You didn't say anything about five years in your OP. That sounds even less promising to me. If she can't accept you after that time, when will she? I know it hurts, but. . .

[RebeccaLynne]

You didn't say anything about five years in your OP. That sounds even less promising to me. If she can't accept you after that time, when will she? I know it hurts, but. . .

Annabelle, honestly, I don't think she ever will. I love her, and she loves me, but she wants to change me in an area in which I'm not willing to change... and as much as she desires to marry and spend the rest of our lives together, she's not amenable to seeing her way clear to accepting my reality.

So we'll live apart as friends and companions... 'cause I really do like having a partner... and my femme side values relationships!

[Foxglove]

Well, it may not be so much a question of "not willing to change" as "not able to change". All of us here know that TGism is a lifetime condition. I can't really judge, but it may be you've got the best you're going to get in this relationship. Sad, but you are what you are and she is what she is.

[Joanna41]

My wife encourages me to dress anytime I want too. She is truly an amazing woman. As far as your situation goes....only you can really decide how you want to move forward. If she will never accept this part of you....are you sure you only want half of yourself in a relationship? She doesn't seem to want all of you...only the manly part and the other part just stay away. I know what I would do but that's just me.

Joanna

[StephanieJ]

My wife and I recently ended our marriage after experiencing almost the exact thing you describe. I didn't realize until much later that it was me who was shutting off intimacy because I felt rejected. When she says CDing is "icky and weird" it probably feels like she is saying that YOU are "icky and weird". That's got to hurt and who wants to be with someone who hurts you?

I'm still not sure if it was the "right" thing to do or not but I couldn't be with someone who didn't love, accept or trust me. Like your GF, she wanted me to change, but I keep coming back to what Albert Einstein said, "“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hugs,
Stephers

[sandra-leigh]

Remember that sex ("passionate and uninhibited") is not the same as "affectionate". The closest my wife and I have had to sex in several years is me cuddling a breast, but that doesn't mean there is no affectionate parts. Sitting beyond someone with your arms around them; cuddling in bed; sleeping "spooned"; back rubs; calf massage; a kiss on the neck; hugs for no reason; a flower "just because"; slow dancing, etc..

[Erica2Sweet]

... Consequently, I feel rejected. And it's hard to express affection when I can't be myself...

I imagine you feel rejected because when someone plainly states they do not accept a part of who you are, that equates to rejection by its very definition.

If she is not accepting of a part of you that is doing no one any harm, you value that part of you, and she is unwavering in her non-acceptance, then it's clear you and she are incompatible.

As the situation is at the moment maybe you can not continue the relationship without a LOT of work on either side.

If she is not willing offer acceptance on some level, then there's no work that can be done, as that is step number one.

[RebeccaLynne]

Well, it may not be so much a question of "not willing to change" as "not able to change". All of us here know that TGism is a lifetime condition. I can't really judge, but it may be you've got the best you're going to get in this relationship. Sad, but you are what you are and she is what she is.

You're right, Annabelle. As much as I'm not willing, I'm not able. I'll always fervently believe I'm female, born in a male body; totally G.I.D., from the anatomical perspective. Throughout my childhood I've dreamed, wished, and prayed for a correction which never came.

I consider myself TG; never to transition to TS. Too late for that. Had I known then what I know now...

I'm gonna keep working at gaining her acceptance, or she can resign herself to a more or less platonic relationship, in which I pay the tab when we go out... that's me being the guy.

If she wants more than that... well, then let me be my femme side!

[Kathi Lake]

I'm gonna keep working at gaining her acceptance, or she can resign herself to a more or less platonic relationship, ...

If she wants more than that... well, then let me be my femme side!

Welcome to love - my way or the highway - version.

Rebecca, it sounds to me that you are at an impasse. You want her to do things that will engage your libido, while neglecting (and even seriously diminishing) hers. I don't anticipate this changing much, if at all. I don't advise this much, but I think it is time for both of you to seek other people that will strengthen and encourage each of you.

Kathi

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Rebecca, It sure sounds like that you've gotten yourself betweeen a rock and a hard place.

[Julie Gaum]

Rebbeccat let me be blunt: On this thread you were sending out mixed signals that didn't mesh until the 01:29 PM one and then it all became clear! There are all types of CDs but about 85% are heterosexual which for the majority means enjoying having sex with a GG. You obviously don't and just explained why. Unfortunately
too many wrong definitions of transsexual are offered on this site. You should pursue a path of transition as far as your work siituation and financial status will allow.
That doesn't mean you have to "go all the way" to attain a goal which in your case probabibly would be en femme 24/7 if attainable. You can continue your 5-year friendship if she is wiilling. You can't enjoy life in your present impass so get moving.
Julie

[Diversity]

Yes, it would be nice, however, our SO's are also being honest with us about their feelings. The good thing is that your SO is being honest with you and it appears that the lines of communication are open between you both. Since we CD'rs are the ones who are challenging the social norms of society, it is, unfortunately, us who must be patient and courteous to our partners. In time, some partners come to accept our CD'ing desires, some do not. In any event (in my way of thinking), the most important thing to me is the relationship I have with my wife. Nothing (including CD'ing) is more important. I have openly discussed this with my wife, and I accept (though I, like you, wish she would be more accepting of letting me CD in her presence) her wishes.
She does not want to be involved, but will not hold it against me to CD when I am not around her. I also acknowledge that the CD issue is really my issue - not hers. I must assume the responsibility to deal with it responsibly so that I do not make those who I care the most for, uncomfortable or hurt. As such, I feel really lucky and grateful that I have 'come out of the closet' with her, and have not lost her. I am choosing the path to appreciate and enjoy the freedom I have rather than what freedom of expression I do not have. I am writing to you dressed en femme, and loving the clothes I have on right now.... I hope this reply brings some happiness your way.
Di

[MsRenee]

At times I know my girl will ask me to sleep in male mode so we can be intimate .and most of the time I will change for her. Its just little things here an there that helps here support my dressing and Im very flexible. Learned sometime ago its give and take for both of us.
Renee

[Amy A]

I do think that it's worth us all putting ourselves in her shoes (not that way! :D) for a moment... she's a heterosexual woman who's boyfriend won't be intimate with her unless he's dressed as a woman. She basically said 'be with me tonight' and you said no. Don't you think she might be feeling a bit rejected as well?

Ultimately it doesn't sound to me like the relationship is providing what either of you need. Just as you can't change who you are, she can't change what she finds attractive in a man. You aren't just saying that you need to crossdress, you are saying that you need to crossdress in front of her and in order to provide her with intimacy. That clearly doesn't work for her, so there's no point trying to change that. Sorry if this sounds harsh. I've just come out to my girlfriend and I just feel lucky that she took it so well and didn't do a runner.

[Stephenie S]

So, why is it that you CAN'T be affectionate? Is this really her fault?

Oh wait. You want to have sex with her when you are dressed in female clothes? I second her ick! This is a big no-no for most women.

S