Feeling ashamed

[Vanessa5]

I came out to my wife about 2.5 years ago. We have had a DADT relationship since. I have felt pretty good about myself and was confident and sure. My wife a couple days ago once again brought up my cd and asked point blank "aren't you ashamed of this. Don't you feel shame.". This now of course brought back all the negative feelings and then some. Once again the shame and guilt have sucked me back to the dark space. I am at a loss. Even my meds don't seem to help and my anxiety is through the roof.

[~Joanne~]

Ashamed to be who you are? Why would you be? is she ashamed of who she is? certainly not. You'll find that a lot of people, including your wife, live by what social norms are but who made them the norm? a bunch of power hungry freaks? You have to be true to yourself at the end of each day and there's no shame in that.

[Kate Simmons]

Someone who truly loves you will not be ashamed of you.

[Gillian Gigs]

By defination shame is tied to, guilt, folly, disgrace, so how much of this is culturally based? Do you have a shrine in your house with lit candles to honor your dead relatives? In some cultures, it would be a disgrace if you didn't. In some cultures it is a disgrace for some one not to hold the door open for another, in another it is seen as a sign of subservient. Do you or your wife feel shamed when you gossip? Do either of you feel shame if you lie to some one else? The point is that you need to come to terms with who you are and accept the fact that you are different than many others. That is neither good or bad, just different. There are many things that can cause us to feel ashamed, the question is how are we going to handle it. Choose to accept yourself, deal with these negative feelings, choose to do the right thing in your deeds, ignore the small stuff, the color of your panties is definitely small stuff!
PS, love your wife, because love conquers all.

[Foxglove]

Perhaps you can ask her, "Do you feel ashamed of being a woman? Neither is there any reason for me to feel ashamed of being trans. There's more than two options, you know."

For me this is disturbing. I think it's a fairly arrogant question because it simply assumes that TGism is something to be ashamed of without discussion.

Vanessa, I know all about guilt and shame. Lots of people here do. I was raised on it, I've lived with it most of my life. The question is, is TGism in itself something to be ashamed of? If you think it is, give a good reason why it should be. I'm unable to come up with one myself.

So shame either comes from you or it comes from someone else. If it's not coming from you, you shouldn't let anyone else put it on you. Ask them why TGism is shameful. People generally have two reasons: it's different and "I don't like it". Not very good reasons to make someone else so thoroughly unhappy.

If you decide it's not something to be ashamed of, then nobody else will be able to make you feel ashamed.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Tracii G]

Show your wife you have a pair and stand up for yourself.Not in a cruel or mean way but stand your ground and tell her no I am not ashamed and that is the end of discussion.
Tell her you would never be ashamed of her if the roles were reversed.
Kind of a reverse psychology thing or putting her in your shoes.
Sounds like she has no respect for you and that is so sad.I wish you the best.
I came out to my second ex wife and she was OK with it and said well you are still a great guy that hasn't changed. Clothes don't change who you are.

[NicoleScott]

We have had a DADT relationship since. My wife a couple days ago once again brought up my cd and asked..........

Since she asked, it's no longer Don't Ask Don't Tell.

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="4"]This is the typical SO reaction to DADT. Just because you are not talking about it doesn't change your SO's feelings about you in a dress. Sooner or later her feelings are going to erupt and you'll hear about it. DADT is simply a method of sweeping the problem under the rug. The problem is still there, the problem is not solved, and the problem will continue to fester just beneath the surface.

Your wife agreed to follow you when she became your wife. She no longer trusts your leadership abilities with you in a dress. You need to talk it over with your SO until you both come to an agreement that each of you can happily live with. Be aware, though, that she may never come to that agreement. That's her right. She didn't sign up to be a CD's wife when she married you.[/SIZE]

[Brianna612]

You've gone 2.5 years with DADT? That would be tough enough then to be asked that? Wow, is she ashamed of you? When we are young and don't understand these feelings then gilt and shame prevail. As we grow to accept the gifts that we have been given then we can fully enjoy those gifts. Why would you be ashamed of who you are? As someone very wise told me once (well more than once before it sunk in) "you have to make your feelings your own". In other words don't let others dictate how you feel. The power you get from that is unreal. Good Luck

Hey we are neighbors, PM me if you want.

[Alice B]

The only one who should be ashamed is your wife for doing that to you.

[Barbara Ella]

Don't you ever feel ashamed. Since broke the DADT, feel free to talk to her. Tell her very forcibly that you love her to the ends of the earth, unquestionable (if you do). Then tell her you must be true to yourself and will never again be made to feel shame about being a loving spouse.

Barbara

[Vanessa5]

Thank you all for your support. Kinda funny that it was about 3 years ago that I found this site. After coming out and telling her about this site I was forbidden to come here. And yea sure going against her wishes is not cool but, if it keeps my sanity, I can live with the consequences. The funny thing is when I came out, she said she already had known.

[Foxglove]

Kinda funny that it was about 3 years ago that I found this site. After coming out and telling her about this site I was forbidden to come here.

You were forbidden to come here? Vanessa, this doesn't sound good.

[Diane Maple]

Please never feel ashamed for being yourself. If anything feel pity for those who loose out on the chance to know you. Everyone is different and knowing others helps to enrich your life as well as theres. Just watch out for the angry repressed people... and avoid them.

[MaryG]

no idea whether this link will help but Brene Brown has shed some light on shame and helped countless people (including me) along the way http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown..._to_shame.html

[Vanessa5]

I was forbidden because she felt that all I was being told here was what I wanted to hear. If that meant I wanted SRS that was all I was hearing. It never occured to her that there are many resources and help within the forum. When I suggested she join...Lets just say nuclear didn't even begin to describe. The forum actually helped me find that I am a crossdresser, I don't want SRS, and I am not gay. I just happen to feel more like myself when I am wearing the things I want to wear and like to wear.

[Gillian Gigs]

"After coming out and telling her about this site I was forbidden to come here. And yea sure going against her wishes is not cool but", Am I missing something here....are you talking about your mother, or your wife? Marriage is about love, compromise, caring and helping one another out in this life. There is no room in any marriage for manipluation. At first you didn't communicate, ok, then you communicated. You had a DADT, and now the door has been opened by her. So you grab the bull by the horns and communicate, but this time work it through to its proper conclusion, and get help if necessary.


"The forum actually helped me find that I am a crossdresser, I don't want SRS, and I am not gay. I just happen to feel more like myself when I am wearing the things I want to wear and like to wear". Hey sister, are you reading my mind, that about sums it up for me and my life!!!!!

[Jorja]

I would be asking the wife if she is ashamed to learn what TGism is all about. Tell her to drop her preconceived notions and hearsay and truly learn about it. Then have a serious talk about your relationship.

[Erica2Sweet]

...My wife a couple days ago once again brought up my cd and asked point blank "aren't you ashamed of this. Don't you feel shame.". This now of course brought back all the negative feelings and then some. Once again the shame and guilt have sucked me back to the dark space. I am at a loss. Even my meds don't seem to help and my anxiety is through the roof.

Based on this one bit of conversation you've posted, it sounds to me like it's possible she's trying to shame you into stopping the crossdressing. It may be wise to get yourselves into therapy, as this seems to be having a negative impact on you emotionally.

[Cassandra Lynn]

The only one who should be ashamed is your wife for doing that to you.

Fairly true statement this is, and to a much larger extent, i'm ashamed of humanity in general for being so blind to other senses of self.

[Meghan]

I came out to my wife about 2.5 years ago. We have had a DADT relationship since. I have felt pretty good about myself and was confident and sure. My wife a couple days ago once again brought up my cd and asked point blank "aren't you ashamed of this. Don't you feel shame.". This now of course brought back all the negative feelings and then some. Once again the shame and guilt have sucked me back to the dark space. I am at a loss. Even my meds don't seem to help and my anxiety is through the roof.

Hi Vanessa,

Your wife, out of the blue, chose to put this on you? If you agreed to DADT, and that's how you're living your lives together, if your wife didn't ask your permission before she asked you about this, then in my opinion she committed a serious violation of your trust.

What exactly are you supposed to be ashamed of? You didn't "choose" your identity any more than your wife chose hers.

Nothing provoked more anxiety in me than this topic and I had a serious anxiety problem for a couple of years because of this. But you did not violate your agreement, she did. Remember that it's not YOUR FAULT if this was truly a bolt from the blue from her.

Sounds like your DADT is up for renegotiation. When you do get a chance to talk again, trust sounds like it should be one of the discussion points.

Please hang in there. This isn't an easy journey for any of us.

Meghan

[Stephanie47]

Years ago I felt shame. I felt self loathing. I felt inadequate. Why? Because societies' norms say a man is not suppose to wear women's clothing. I've changed through life's experiences. I am a man who likes to wear a dress. Yes, today I am wearing a white and black print knee length dress, a white full double layered slip, a lacy white bra, white lacy panty, black thigh highs and a pair of three inches black and white heels. Oh, and a shoulder length grey wig. My garb has not changed who I am. If my ensemble was worn by a woman, I'm sure she would get lots of compliments. I seek not validation anymore. I am comfortable with myself.

I know my wife knows of my cross-dressing. She has known for almost forty years. Yes, it is a DADT marriage. I am totally willing to live without her for the remainder of my life, if she were to give me an ultimatum.

Vanessa, when you and your wife talk again, ask her if she feel 'ashamed' to be married to you. I can understand an in-home cross-dresser wanting privacy. I can understand a wife asking to not go out in public where the husband can be seen by friends and neighbors. Each person has to deal with the negative feelings expressed by those we have to associate with. I find it refreshing when I read the posts about wives who are supportive.

I not longer feel ashamed.

PS: Tell you wife when you are out and about with her to go up to a gay man or a lesbian woman, and, have her ask if she or he feels 'ashamed.' Tell her to go ask the mom or dad or sister or brother or son or daughter of a lesbian woman or gay man, if they are 'ashamed' of her or him.

[Vanessa5]

Stephanie the things in your post are telling of my own jouney as well. When I came out most of those feelings went away and it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I figured that with DADT my wife would either leave it be or ask when she was more comfortabe. I too am willing to live without her if given an ultimatum.

And your ps may shed other light on nother subject because my oldest son is gay. He really doesn't like or want to talk to her. Maybe she just gives off this vibe of non-acceptance of anything not to her normal.

[Jenniferathome]

How about a simple answer: "No, I am not ashamed."

[ReineD]

My wife a couple days ago once again brought up my cd and asked point blank "aren't you ashamed of this. Don't you feel shame.".

I hate jumping to conclusions about motives behind questions, so I often ask for further clarification.

Do you think your wife meant, "I think that your behavior is shameful and you should stop it"?

Or, is there a possibility that she was just asking if YOU felt any shame at all, because she really doesn't understand where your desire to dress comes from.

So I suggest opening up the conversation with her again and asking her this time, if SHE is the one who feels ashamed, and is she projecting her feelings of shame onto you? If she says yes, then the two of you can begin discussing WHY she feels this is shameful. Does she believe it is some sort of perversion? Does she have any religious objections to it? If she says yes to this, then you might ask her to consider whether she believes that other people might feel differently about gender non-conformity than she does.

Does she allow that someone might hate the color orange, while orange can be someone else's favorite color, and does this necessarily mean that "orange" by itself should be an ugly color to everyone?

What is her stance on same-sex attraction? Does she understand anything about a segment of our population that is wired differently than most people, and this would include gays, lesbians, and some women who do not like the femininity that is culturally associated with their gender, and some men who do not like the masculinity that is culturally associated with theirs.

There is a great deal to learn about gender and sexual variance, and there is a lot of information out there, for people who wish to move beyond what they were taught as children. Seems to me some sort of attempt at understanding this is crucial when the CDing exists in a marriage, if only to remove any "shameful" feelings, even if a wife still decides that she does not want to participate.