Fear of being "seen" regardless of degree

[linda allen]

................... Truth is your neighbours probably take very little notice. I wouldn't be able to tell you what most of my neighbours look like, only the immediate ones.

In my experience, neighbors do notice what goes on. The day I moved into my neighborhood, the lady across the street was standing in her front yard watching. Then she came over and introduced herself.

There's another house nearby where the teenage son has some shady looking friends and they visit the house. Several of the neighbors are keeping an eye on the house and calling the police when things don't look right.

Personally, I don't care what people I don't know think of me but it would bother me to have neighbors think or know that I was a cross dresser. And it would embarass my wife.

[I Am Paula]

From the day I moved into my last few addresses my neighbours have seen every possible combination of Paul/Celeste. C boobless, P with boobs, P loading guitars into his car in heels and a cowboy shirt. And scariest of all- C or P in a bikini. No one has ever said a word. We have nothing to fear except fear itself.

[Tracii G]

From the day I moved into my last few addresses my neighbours have seen every possible combination of Paul/Celeste. C boobless, P with boobs, P loading guitars into his car in heels and a cowboy shirt. And scariest of all- C or P in a bikini. No one has ever said a word. We have nothing to fear except fear itself.

LOL too funny Celeste a couple of months ago my female self was loading gear into my SUV to head to the studio.
I had a huge 4X12 speaker cab to go in last and my neighbor from across the road was watching.
He said here let me help you with that I said thats OK I can get it thanks anyway.
Not sure what he thought because he came over anyway and helped me load it.
He said that looks too heavy for one person to load.
We loaded it and he never said anything I told him thanks and he walked back across the street.
This guy is one of those neighbors that knows everything that goes on but I guess he is OK with Tracii.
We have been neighbors for 15 years and we talk fairly frequently with me in guy mode.
I think he knows maybe.LOL

[Tina B.]

My next door neighbor can tell you everything going on in the neighborhood, and she is my wives hairdresser, so no I don't want to share this with her.

[Ddannie]

RenieD
I found your comments (pasted below) seem to fit me and helpful. I hadn't thought of my fear that way. For now connecting with others online in groups like this is where I am at but going out with others does seem less threatening than going it alone.


Internalized transphobia

Internalized oppression
There are several different ways that people can work together to overcome internalized oppression.....

A first-step practical approach for you, would be to join a TG support group even if you attend in guy mode the first few times. You can explain your fears and they will understand. Also, many of the groups have changing rooms available for people who, like you, are overcoming their fears and are not yet ready to go out dressed.

[Celeste]

Neighbors can be tricky,I live in an apartment style development where many people are likely to see me coming and going.I am not completely out so I do need to take caution.I usually do this by waiting for the right times to exit and making sure my changeover is adequate,meaning detecting my male self would be tough.But there are other problems like being seen getting in the same car...if I park farther away and make it very fast,then I feel good about it.So my plan is not to do this all the time,only when there are no other avenues to get dressed once out.My objective is to reduce the likelihood of a confrontation each time.We can't read minds in this world and yea,my better judgement leans towards not getting my cars vandalized.

[Lucy Lou]

It is something to think about. In some ways we want to be seen and in others we don't. It's just some people are not very open minded and fear anyone who is different. Lucy

[PretzelGirl]

I think there are a lot of variables that make it different for all of us. I could see being in a Home Owners association as causing extra issues in some circumstances. I have avoided them for that reason.

So for me, I don't have much to contend with. There is no one across the street and neighbors on each side. On one side is two guys in their twenties, so they are out most of the time. I get along great with the other neighbor. So I just do my thing. I'll bet they have seen me, but nothing has been said and I while I don't temper my activities, I don't try and be in my neighbor's face either. That roughly means that I will come and go without worrying about whether they are outside, but I am making no efforts to go over and talk to them dressed until the time that they engage me. That will tell me that they are okay.

Elephant in the neighborhood maybe?

[~Joanne~]

I am trying to over come these fears myself so I understand fully your position. It's very hard and sometimes seems like a lost cause. You can do all the reading in the world, prep for it for weeks, and plan till your blue but none of it will change the fear you feel.

A couple of halloweens ago, I went really "out" for the first time. I lived in an apartment with four units upstairs, and four down. I had gone down to the mailboxes many times fully femme without any encounters so I thought halloween would be fairly easy. My GF pulled up to the front door so all I had to do is lock the door, go down the stairs, out the front door and into the car. Things were quiet as always then almost to the bottom of the stairs a neighbor came in the back door and bolted across the bottom floor as I was walking out the front door to get a better look. My world stopped. My GF laughed but it sure didn't help any.

He never said a word to me any day after that though. Now we live in a townhouse and getting out this halloween is worst than the last one. Neighbors every where and always out and about. I don't think I could slip out of here unseen to save the world so some on road dressing is going to happen which is some solid advice.

I am also thinking of a full makeover at ULTA which I want to do but am having a really hard time wrapping my head around it. I would have to cross a parking lot and sit in a chair at a store for however long it may take. It's a huge step. I am ready for it, the day is perfect for it but the fear keeps creeping in. I will be seen and there's no way around it but you know, maybe it's what I need to get past a certain point in my development. food for thought.

[I Am Paula]

Borrow or rent a different car. Get into it like you own it, and drive away. That should throw them off your scent. Good Luck!

[sweetgal]

My neighbors are all around me in my complex so the only option I really have is to drive somewhere else and change.

[linda allen]

I think there are a lot of variables that make it different for all of us. I could see being in a Home Owners association as causing extra issues in some circumstances. I have avoided them for that reason.

A Homeowners Association would have nothing to do with crossdressing. There could be nothing in the covenants banning crossdressers just as there could be nothing banning black or Jewish people.

Your fears are unfounded in this respect.

[linda allen]

There are so many different circumstances, it's impossible to generalize. On the one hand, you might be twenty years old, single, living in San Francisco or New York city, in a part of town with young, single, and possibly gay neighbors and working at the mall or from home. You can do pretty much what you want without consequences. If you have issues, you can move or change jobs.

On the other hand, you might be a preacher in a small southern town and your wife is a local school teacher. You have three elementary and middle school aged children. In this case, being seen prancing around town in boobs, a wig, and high heels will cause you and your family big trouble.

Most of us are somewhere in between these two extremes so we have to decide for ourselves what we are willing to put ourselves and possibly our families through.

[ThisIsBob]

The only neighbors I'm concerned about is our tenants that live in the other half of our duplex. They're all fairly conservative Christian young men, and though I know I'm stereotyping by having this concern, I'd rather not freak them out and lose their rent!

[Erica2Sweet]

I'm completely fearful of my neighbors seeing me in anything not "normal". I worry about them saying things and gossiping about me. I'm also fearful of seeing people I work with around where I live in a dense area in the city. I have no idea how to overcome. I don't know how so many of you can transcend beyond the fear....

"Normal" is nothing more than a setting on your clothes dryer.

To get over this, we face the reality that we cannot control what others think or say about us. If we do not have a close relationship of some type with them, then why does it matter what they think or say? Its an issue of our ego for the most part. If you want to enjoy gender duality out in the world, then you'll probably have to let go of this. All you have to do is make the decision and stick to it.

The key is to conduct yourself is such a way where at the end of the day, we can look in the mirror and respect the person looking back. That's all. We hold our head high and realize that what we choose to do makes us (and our loves ones around us) happy, and we respect ourselves. Many amongst the masses will never offer their approval for non-birth gender expression. Stop chasing that fantasy if you indeed are.

[kimdl93]

I guess it just depends on what's most important to you. If expressing your feminine side is less important than your beliefes about what the neighbors may think, then that's fine. But if you feel confinded in your own home and community by this fear, then you do have the power to liberate yourself. First, a wise man once told me that other peoples' opinions of me were none of my business. So don't worry about it. And remember - fear is just an emotion. Each moment after you step outside your home, some of that fear will disipate because your immediate fears will not be realized.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I would be hesitant to walk around my place dressed, but the other night, i went out for a walk with my GF wearing a skirt and stay ups. Everything else was male, and my buzz cut hair was visible. With my build, no-one would have had much doubt about me being a guy in a skirt. We walked out of her complex, ( where no-one knows me ) across the street, and down a little used pathway to the next sub-division over. I just wanted to see what it felt like to be in the open, in cool weather, ( 10C 50F ) with skirt and stockings. Very pleasant, not cold as I had imaginred. Didn't meet anyone until we got back, and 20 yards from her door, 2 people got out of a parked van in the shadows about 15 feet away. A police van! But they weren't interested in us ( me ) and went over to another building. I know they saw us, and it would have been difficult to miss the skirt... but I detected no interest from them. Even if they had come over, I doubt they would have given us any trouble.

[PretzelGirl]

Oh sure they can make life rough Linda. It doesn't have to be directed at the crossdressing itself. I had two couples that were friends. They had a falling out and one got elected to the HA board. She then just started writing tickets to the other couple. I wasn't much of a HA fan at that point but that sealed it for me. I pay for my property and do what I want on it with the local laws.

[Joanna Maguire]

The first time I was recognised was by a woman at work She took me to her place and we had some fun She also became my first GF I do not know if my neighbours in those years recognised me ? I know others in the street probally recognised me for what I am. But I do not think many take any notice ? Sales person call me "Madam" ad men sometimes open doors for me. These day I do not care if anyone recognises me. Most of my neighbours know e as Joanna. Before I retired every one at work knew. Probably at first they saw my shaved legs arms, long finger nails and long curly haif

[wilt575]

Someday that fear should subside and if you are anything like me, you accept the fact that your family says "WTF", your friends are saying "WTF", your coworkers are saying "WTF", your neighbors are saying "WTF" and even complete strangers say "WTF". Trust me, you get used to it.

Right on Sara That fear passed long time ago with family, friends and co-workers, as it was more trouble to try and hide it and harder, now just normal every day thing, when in fem. Only the neighbors foun out by accident, before I was ready to come out. I was working in yard cleaning up wearing plain jeans, guy white tee shirt,bra and forms. It was a late spring early summer day,neighbor girl about 13/14 walked by stoped said hi etc. I didn't know I had been sweating that much, all of a sudden her eyes got big and she said bye. A little while later I saw her and three or four of her friends walk by and look and start giggling. Then I realized the sweat made straps and some of bra slightly visiable .

[linda allen]

I guess it just depends on what's most important to you. If expressing your feminine side is less important than your beliefes about what the neighbors may think, then that's fine. But if you feel confinded in your own home and community by this fear, then you do have the power to liberate yourself. First, a wise man once told me that other peoples' opinions of me were none of my business. So don't worry about it. And remember - fear is just an emotion. Each moment after you step outside your home, some of that fear will disipate because your immediate fears will not be realized.

But you have to consider not only your own fears, but the fears of your loved ones. So while I might not care what my neighbors think, if it would embarass my wife, I'm not going to do it out of love and respect for her.

[Wildaboutheels]

IF any of your neighbors get together, they are ALREADY gossiping about you, regardless of what you wear. Simple Human Nature. Work with a large group of people on a regular basis and watch what happens in a room of 3 or more people when one person leaves the room.

Fear of what other people might THINK or say is just plain silly. Most "sharp" folks will judge you on HOW you interact with them, and not base their opinion on what others have to say. Fear of "Society" in general is groundless and will only hold you back.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...182840-Society

[Thera Home]

I'm completely fearful of my neighbors seeing me in anything not "normal". I worry about them saying things and gossiping about me. I'm also fearful of seeing people I work with around where I live in a dense area in the city. I have no idea how to overcome. I don't know how so many of you can transcend beyond the fear....

Move out to the country and buy a ranch. That way you don't have to worry.

Thera

[JamieQ]

I do want to add that my next door neighbour works for a hospital and she is in charge of hiring. I am finishing an RN degree, so I do not want her to feel any bad vibes if you know what I mean, but i just went out to my car two times in a skirt and high heels...maybe deep down I really do not care. If i were not married presently I would be "out" tonight...pushing to 24/7.

[Dawn cd]

Sweetgal, I understand what you're saying because I'm cautious about exposure myself. However your fear seems excessive. When you are fearful in extreme you are giving people power over you. Their opinions and values become more important than your own. Years from now, when you are older, you may wonder why you let people dictate how you lived your life. You only get to live it once, so dance to your own music and be who you are.