Like many of you, I experience periods when I feel no urge to crossdress what-so-ever and then suddenly have an intense desire to do so. For me, these swings can often last for months on end, with the former usually lasting longer than the latter. As a very introspective person, I have often wondered what lies beneath these great mood swings, and I have made a few observations.
1. Illness: I have recently endured an extremely long period in which I have been unable to shake completely some bug or the other. It has been almost two months now, and during this time (until about 5 days ago) I had absolutely no desire to crossdress. The only thing I wore was my nightgowns because I own no male sleepwear. As this came during a period when I was already not crossdressing, my total period of abstinence had risen to over 4 months.
2 Halloween: Although I had never worn any femme costumes in my life, the desire to crossdress has almost always intensified in the weeks leading up to Halloween. Then about ten years ago, my wife, sensing something about my demeanour, suggested that I should dress up to hand out candy to the trick or treaters. I did this a couple of years, but stopped when I thought it might seem too obvious what I did. This was the first time I had been seen by anyone other than my wife. Part of the lure of wanting to dress at this time of year may stem from the memory of that first experience at being seen.
3 Summer: This is usually a mixed bag. There are so many things that are only suitable for summer, and which are exciting to wear, but when the weather is so good, I feel trapped in my home (closet, prison). There are so many outdoor things I want to do that I suppress any crossdressing desires until rainy days, and then I become frustrated with the weather. Also, those exciting things to wear are not rainy day items.
4 Winter: The moods come and go, but I usually do most of my crossdressing during this season. Sometimes I even shave my legs and other body parts, which adds to the enjoyment. A long drawn out winter can begin to kill the desire however.
5 CD events: Over the last half dozen years or so, my wife and I have attended a number of events. I usually enjoy the opportunity to let go and be out among others, even though it is just a much larger closet. The weeks leading up to these events are usually an intense period of planning, trying out various outfits and purchasing last minute supplies. This is definitely a period of intense desire. The event itself is usually euphoric, dining out en femme, talking to others from various backgrounds and just being somewhat out and about. Continued intensity.
6 Following a CD event: The period following an event can go either way. Sometimes the euphoria lingers and the dressing continues for a while, but it usually passes quickly because of the self imposed limitations that come back into play. Several times, the event has been followed immediately by a complete disappearance of the urge. This usually happens when I have encountered an excess of TG activists intent on using the event to further their agenda, or when the event itself has slanted the itinerary toward the TG/TS end of the spectrum. In these instances, even though I enjoy the rapport and opportunity to be out, I am left with a feeling that I don't belong and my desires fade.
7 Stress: Stress has often been a very powerful inducement to rummage through my dainties and decide what I want to wear.
8 Monotony and its counterpart: Long periods of crossdressing can become tedious to me, partly because they restrict my other activities, the discomfort of some of the clothing, and increasing boredom. On the other hand long periods of abstinence lead to the recall of memories of the unique sensations and the desire to experience them anew.
So where am I right now on this journey? Last spring, my dressing had been somewhat sporadic. I had not bothered shaving my legs that winter as I couldn't seem to really get into it. Then I decided to attend an event at the end of May. I shaved my legs, (the first time I had done that so late in the spring) and was on a high by the time the event arrived. I met some great people, swam crossdressed for the first time, and thoroughly enjoyed everything I participated in. The agenda was highly "T" oriented however, and all of the sessions and workshops were geared in this direction. When I returned home, my mood changed suddenly with a sense that I was an outsider. Summer had arrived and I felt little desire to crossdress, except for a few days of underdressing to try on those bras that were on sale that my wife and I had treated ourselves to. Before summer was over I contracted this infernal bug, and the crossdressing depression continued. Then a few days ago, (Halloween was approaching after all), I awoke with an intense desire to put on one of those new bras. I must be getting over this bug. After a day of wearing the bra, I dragged out my little black dress for the second day, then my long blue dress with the padded shoulders, and tonight I am typing this in a skirt and matching top that my wife abandoned a while back. Gotta forego it tomorrow as company is coming, but it is strange how quickly the moods can shift.
Veronica
