Do You Regret Crossdressing?

[Inna]

Do you regret crossdressing? How has it hurt your life?

It literally killed him!

on the hind side that which was killed wasn't real, from the ashes of death, the spark of truth started to spring forth, she arose out of darkness, a rebirth and resurrection of true and whole.

after all, death isn't so bad, especially when you get to live the dream!

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Not at all, believe when I say it not only changed my life for the better, but saved my life, male side included.

[Meghan]

This is a tough one, Kate.

I have felt that way before. When my first marriage never got off the ground, I thought romantic love couldn't ever exist for me and that it was my fault because I was holding this secret in. Like you, I had some pretty bad experiences with my parents when I was inevitably caught when I was younger. I wanted like hell to blame someone else for how I was but I couldn't every logically prove it out enough.

The facts are starting to emerge from a scientific perspective and the truth is, there is really no one to blame. Transgender behaviors just happen. Like tornadoes, earthquakes, babies born without the ability to hear, car accidents, street crime, poverty, you name it. It just happens. It's nobody's fault.

It is our responsibility, as transgender beings, to figure out how to play the hand we're dealt and adapt. Adaptability is how the world works. Creatures and beings that learn to adapt to changes in the environment are the ones that survive and evolve.

You cannot change anything that has already happened. All you can do is adapt and use the information you have to change how you deal with the world and make the best out of your situation and self-understanding.

The good news is you're working to figure this all out. Most people don't ever stop to think about these things, but not only are you thinking about it, you're reaching out to a vast community of people who are similarly affected and getting guidance. That's a huge step.

Keep working the problem, Kate. You're on the right track.

Meghan

[Beverley Sims]

I never let my private life cross over into my business life.
I only wish I could have done what I have sooner and lasted longer.
The trouble change is dynamic and friends and situations change so the opportunities to live the dream slowly evaporated.

[Tracii G]

Kate you are intelligent and have a purpose in life and trying to work in your field of education I applaud that. Maybe you share too much of your personal life with people you work with.Keep work separate from your personal life.
You don't have to tell everything is what I'm saying,oh sure you may want to but if it causes problems its best not to.
I have a friend that I dearly love but he always feels like he gets the poo end of the stick.
A lot of what happens to him he brings on himself and he can't see it.He has a victim mentality its always somebody doing something to him.

[Gillian Gigs]

Life is full of regrets, and if you let them bring you down, it can destroy you. I had a chance to buy in on a stock back in 96, when it was selling for just under $10.00 a share. Within the next two years Chrysler/Daimler bought out the company, the stock was just over $100.00 a share at that time. The company was doing reasearch on fuel-cell technology. BooHoo, this Princess had to suck this one up. Life is about making choices, and we all make our share of bad choices, the real issue is how are we going to handle it. Blaming everything on Cding is not how you move on with your life. I am not saying that you have to make the best of being a CDer, just accept it, cope with it, and move on. I have never seen a cat, or a dog feeling sorry for itself. They live in the present, because living in the past, or trying to change the past doesn't work. I have been there too, I still remember the "panty punishment" and the taunts of "sissy" from my two older sisters. I have choosen to move on, accept, and in my case embrace who I am regardless of my past which I can not change. Am I a better person for CDing, or a better person because I accepted and over came my past? You decide........

[kimdl93]

I wouldn't change a thing. I can't attribute any of the failures or disappointments in my life to my CDing. It's an easy scapegoat.

[xdressed]

I hated it for a long time and was very depressed about it. The moment I realized there was no need to feel guilty my life got a whole lot better very quickly (although my bank account may have suffered a bit lol)

[~Joanne~]

No, I can't regret something that I had no choice about in the first place. We see the 'why do you" all the time around here and no one has ever come up with the answer. Not us, not the therapists, not the doctors, no one. So to regret something that no one can explain how or why seems like a waste of time.

I regret that I haven't fully come to terms with this yet nut in time I know that will change too as i am making strides in this department. I also am not out there screaming I am a CD when I am a closet dresser.

[cyndigurl45]

Sweetie I'm so sorry you feel that way about your career and life, I'm not sure if were in the same boat, I don't crossdress, I am transgendered, in fact I wish I would have transitioned sooner.

[DebbieL]

I have many regrets around cross-dressing, but today most of the regrets are related to being so dishonest with myself or others.

Even though I knew I was a "girl trapped in a boy's body" as young as 5, and I knew I wanted to be a girl, I was terrified at the consequences of letting others know how I felt. Prior to 5 or 6 years old, I was just a boy who played with girls most of the time. It was a very intentional choice. When I played with boys, violence usually broke out, and I usually ended up bleeding, crying, and wishing I had never tried to play with the boys. I didn't find out until I was 10 years old that most boys had balls, and I didn't. My father had to explain that mine were still up inside like a woman's overaries, and would drop down eventually. He also explained that if they didn't drop down, I would have to have surgery. I actually hoped that they wouldn't drop down, and that they would find out that I really WAS a girl.

My mom caught be dressing up in the bathroom when I was about 6 1/2. She understood how I felt, but tried to explain that it was impossible for me to be a girl. I told her I had been praying to God every day for him to make me into a girl, and that I had been really good so he would do it. She tried to explain "God doesn't work that way". I won't get into this further because this is not a religious thread.

I tried to get caught several more times, especially after I had heard about Christine Jorgensen and Myra Breckenridge. I would wear nighties or teddies to bed and make sure that the covers didn't cover them up when I fell asleep. Several times I even played possum, pretending to be asleep as my father covered my spaghetti straps with the sheet and the blanket. But they refused to even discuss what was going on.

I did get caught when I was climbing a tree and one of the boys following me up saw the chiffon teddy under my T-shirt. He told his friends and I got tagged as a queer, fairy, queen... But I had been a "Sissy" for most of elementary school, so I was used to the associated beatings.

My mother must of suspected I wanted to be a girl, and she was more than happy to teach me to be the housewife. I learned to cook when I was 6, do laundry when I was 7, and by 10 I did most of the housework, and it was obvious that I loved doing it. I even volunteered to do it on a regular basis. My mom would reward my by tying knots in any pantyhose that had runs. When we were the same size, she even took my shopping and let me help her pick out some outfits - including some boots she couldn't possibly wear, and even bought a wig. At the same time, she refused to actually have a discussion with me about it, perhaps afraid that I would stop doing the housework if she made me or let me wear women's clothes.

In high school, I had a bunch of friends who were gay or gay friendly. They didn't even understand the concept of transgender. Several assumed that I was femme because I was gay and just needed some encouragement in coming out of the closet. I regret not being able to tell them how much I really wanted to be a girl. In the 6 years from 7th grade to 12th grade, I had tried to kill myself at least 30 times, hoping that I'd die and come back as a girl. Even my mom figured it out, but when I tried to talk about wanting to be a girl with professional therapists, I was told "We can't talk about that, it's not appropriate", which often triggered another suicide attempt.

When I got to college, it was a college with 900 women and 25 men. I was in the theater program and music program. If there was ever a place where I could have truly been "One of the Girls", that was the place, yet even when approached about it, I couldn't discuss it honestly and openly. My sophomore year, I did have a girl-friend who figured out that I was a "Lesbian Lover", but when I reacted badly to her invitation to dress up like a girl at Halloween, she dropped it. Perhaps if I had been honest with her earlier, we could have made it work better, or I might not have been a virgin for another 2 years. There were several other women in college who flirted and hinted that they would like to dress me up, but I always feared that if I gave in, the bully boys would beat me up again. Worse, I was afraid I'd get thrown out of school.

When I finally lost my virginity at 21, it STILL wasn't easy. I couldn't orgasm with her. Eventually, she tied me to the bed and took complete control, and I was able to climax, but I was still terrified to tell her what I really wanted, even when she asked me what I really wanted. I regret not being able to tell the truth even then.

When I graduated college, I lived in a commune. The owner was a therapist, and when I told her I'd seen Rocky Horror, she asked if I went dressed, I was terrified that she would throw me out of the commune if I told the truth. Even when it was obvious that I had a stash of women's clothing in my cell/room (it was previously a convent), it was something I couldn't talk about, even to other gay residents.

When I moved in with the girl who was my first wife, I told her about dressing 3 weeks after we moved in. Had I been really honest, I would have told her I wanted to be a girl, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid she would leave me, which she did - 8 years later. 12 years later, she told me she never could accept my dressing, let alone being transsexual.

After giving up a job, wife, children, home, and most of my possessions to transition, after getting some support and getting therapy and starting the transition, my ex-wife threatened to have my visitation revoked if I didn't stop immediately. I stopped the hormones. Later, I moved to NYC area, and started transition again, but then I was told that if I wanted a role as a public leader, I would have to stop dressing. This was the one I regretted the most. I put my clothes in storage for 6 months, and by the end of the 6 months I'd gained over 60 lbs, and couldn't fit into any of them. My health got worse, I ended up in therapy again, and eventually went back to dressing, and I thrived.

Because I had gained so much weight, I didn't want to go out in public as much, and ended up gaining even more weight. Eventually I had gone from 150 lbs to 325 lbs on 9/11/2001. I got so big I couldn't fasten the seat belt in the airplane. I started dressing which motivated me to diet, lost 65 lbs on Atkins, and started dressing more. Eventually, I put my profile, including pictures of both Debbie and Rex on my profile, and met a woman who seemed to be interesting. She was very much into Debbie, who was an incredible lover, and even found that while Rex was funny and smart, he was also a bit too much of an egg-head and a bit absent minded. Another thing she liked about Debbie is that Debbie still liked to do housework, and when Debbie spent the day, the house was usually clean by the end of the day.

When my father was about to die, he told me "If I never gave you anything else, I let you be yourself". He was trying to tell me that although he had fought my dressing and transgender nature most of my life, he had seen my facebook postings, my writings, and realized how important Debbie was to me. He even encouraged me to dress femme if I wanted. By the time he died, he knew how much I loved him, and I knew how much he loved me. It was very hard for me, but I realized that I STILL couldn't be myself - I couldn't be Debbie.

When I began to consider transition again, I grew my hair out, had my nails done, and started hair removal procedures again. Unfortunately, I was balding so that was a problem. I'd lost another 85 lbs (from 320 back down to 235), and I'd started going out in public again. When my wife told me that she was NOT OK with transition, my world collapsed again. Part of me regretted the marriage, part of me regretted that she had talked me out of not just letting go after my stroke. Part of me wanted it over with.

Do I regret the cross-dressing, no. For me, wearing boy's clothes is "Drag". I wear Men's clothes because I have to, not because I want to. At the end of the day, I can't wait to get out of my dress shirt, baggy pants, and flat back-breaker clown shoes, and get into a pair of nice tights and a skirt with heels, or a pair of short shorts with ping aerobic shoes, or even just a pair of leggings and boots. I wish I didn't have to wear a wig, but I don't have enough hair left anymore to go without. I like wearing a bra, especially when I can fill it. I just wish I could fill a B or C cup naturally, without forms or "help".

Today, I look back on my life and I regret all the lies, the deceptions, and the denial of my most intense and real feelings. I regret not being able to giggle with the other girls, not being able to cry, not being able to wear the prom dress, not being able to wear skirts when I had legs that would make most women jealous. I regret not telling my classmates in college how much I LOVED that they accepted me as transsexual. I regret that I pushed them away and withdrew into myself instead. I regret having two children I paid for, but never got to see. I regret the marriage based on her deception, and the second one based on my own self-deception.

I regret getting a vasectomy rather than an orchiectomy.

If I won a million dollars today, I'd be making the arrangements for a sex change within an hour.

The only thing I regret about cross-dressing is that I have to take the dress off and put on the baggy pants and the clown shoes.

[Stephanie47]

Kate, like most of the postings I have read in response to your question, I have never been impacted in a negative manner in employment. I made it through my entire career(s) without divulging my interest in dressing as a woman. I never felt it was necessary to display my sexuality to others. Even when I was in the military, when others asked me about or bragged about their sexual exploits and alleged conquests, I never felt it necessary to participate. I guess I am a very private person. I can understand the turmoil in life for a person transitioning from male to female. However, I could never understand why a male cross dresser would feel it necessary to display his sexuality in a forum that would solicit adverse consequences.

What I have learned over the six decades plus of my mortal existence is the fact people will say one thing and then act in another way.

As to myself, yes, life would have been a lot less stressful if I was not a cross dresser. Like most, early on there was turmoil in my inner self. There was a feeling of sexual identity. There was fear I was a gay man, which back in the 1960's was thought of differently than now. Or at least now as a gay man I would have more outlets socially. There was self loathing. There was misunderstanding. I know I would have never had the friendships I now have, if I were a gay man or exhibited my cross dressing. Many decades ago I came to peace with myself. However, I never felt it was necessary to publically display my cross dressing.

I am sure you have incurred more negative behavior, socially and in the business community, because you are in the engineering professions. Over the years I've known many in the engineering professions. They tend to be overly conservative. The only advice I can ever give to a man or woman who is a sexual minority is to move on to a more tolerant environment. Some would advise a sexual minority to become a crusader for the cause. Unfortunately, a lone crusader is usually on a suicide mission.

[BillieJoEllen]

I was in my earlier years consumed by crossdressing. I failed college a few times and didn't rise to the level I thought I would. The thoughts of my TSism and CDing just outright overwhelmed me and I didn't seem to be able to focus on anything else.

[Babeba]

Kate, I feel like you are open about your CDing but not embracing it. It's the worst of both worlds. You dot get the protection of the closet and you don't get the inner peace of self acceptance. That must really suck.

I too feel like Kathi does that perhaps you are oversimplifying things? With that class you got a 'c' in - his is it your classmates knew? And how could they use it to blackmail you? Cross dressing isn't illegal and you won't get kicked out for it. In fact you might say that it's a tradition in many colleges. My parents met when their university departments played an annual field hockey game where all the guys wore field hockey skirts.

[suchacutie]

I can't imagine regretting finding out about my self, and how much it's helped in a long list of ways. Tina is here to stay!!!

[ChelseaErtel]

Hmmmmm????? Good question. Right now, in this older phase of my life I have to say no. I just got a couple of new outfits today and tried them on and couldn't have felt better. No Regrets. Now I do regret suppressing my CDing. Now that I look back if I would have worked them out I would not surprised to find that I was a woman screaming to get out. Hard to tell, because I do seem comfortable being a man, but I'm just so much happier in my female persona.

To answer your question, no I don't regret my female side, or CDing. I do regret her suppression and not finding out really who I am earlier. If I was in my 20's now, perhaps I'd pursue changing my sex, but it's too late for me now. On the upside I have two wonderful children that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

One more regret is not telling my wife, but in my own defense when we married I had stopped CDing and thought it was just a phase or fetish.

I feel just like Tracii G - well said Tracii.

Thank you for asking, it made me think.

[Kelli Ca]

I don't regret cd ing I regrett not having the courage to do it more

[Angela Campbell]

To regret it means you had a choice in it. I do not feel like I had much of a choice. I should have been born a girl but was not.

I do have a question to the one who originally posted.

Do you regret the fact you like to wear womens clothes ...or the fact you allowed so many people to know about it and thus let it adversly effect your life? My life has had no bad effects from crossdressing because I used caution on who knew about it. Regrets about the fact you wear womens clothes is a much different thing than regrets on how you handled the knowlege of this act.

[Alice B]

Never. never, nerver and then again. Never.

[Lucy Lou]

I so agree with you. i wish i could do it so much more. I am trying to get the courage to go out dressed. I will do it but can't regret it because I have to keep doing it. Lucy

[Maria 60]

Now let me think, my never ending fear of my kids finding out, waking up every morning and thinking when I can get an hour to myself that sometimes doesn't happen for weeks. Growing up with no confidence and shame thinking something was wrong with me, and most of all there is no way that I could ever pass as a women. There's much more but let's leave it at that. If I had to start life over again, I wouldn't change a single thing.

[JamieQ]

I agree, if you regret it you had a choice in it. I feel I have no choice, it is just me. My only regret is trying to do the "right" things (military, marraige, children, etc.)and put this off only to find out that I was really a girl all along. For me the dressing is only a part of it. Im just trying to figure out how to deal with all of this and then do what I know I need to do.

[famousunknown]

Haven't we heard this story here before?

I regret ever starting crossdressing;...

[kathtx]

From Jackson Browne's beautiful _Fountain of Sorrow_:

"And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past"

We've all got regrets: mistakes we've made, people we hurt, loves we lost. Tempting as it may be to obsess about how the past might have been different, there's nothing to do about the past but to learn from it for the future.

[AnitaH]

My only regret at this point in time is that I didn't accept it decades sooner. I expect it to eventually cost me my job and so much more but still no regrets.

AnitaH