Please read!! Need advice and support

[Jennifer B]

What most people don't understand (I certainly didn't at the time) is, they themselves are responsible for the distancing. We think that love "should" come naturally and easily and if it doesn't stay at that level then it means that we've fallen out of love. The truth is, after the first phase of new love has ended (anywhere from 2-7 years), the relationship needs to be worked at with constant and open communication, which requires a high degree of honesty. And it doesn't matter what issue is at hand. But, most people aren't the best communicators. One partner will attempt to share something, the other will take it the wrong way, there will be bad feelings, and then the couple will have learned to "not discuss" certain things. They sweep them under the carpet since it's easier that way. And then begins years of each partner building their own stories inside their heads over everything they're not talking about. Resentments build, even if they are hidden. And libidos fade. And then third parties start to look real good, which is a no-brainer, because the "other person" doesn't have any of the same shared, unresolved baggage that exists between the couple.

I think that couples who have grown apart can learn to get the old magic back between them. But, it takes a mutual recognition that things can be better and a mutual desire to recommit and reconnect. And it takes putting everything on the table, so as to stop building stories. This isn't easy. But then is anything worthwhile getting easy?

You are absolutely right of course and a lot of what you say, the years of building resentment and unresolved emotional baggage, is very familiar to me. I probably shouldn't have posted what I did in the way I did as it was applicable to my relationship but obviously we are all different and what I said shouldn't be taken as meaning that this is applicable to everyone. I was a bit tired and emotional when I posted. So sorry my comment wasn't particularly helpful.

[ReineD]

I probably shouldn't have posted what I did

It's OK, my statement was not a criticism of what you wrote, just an observation of a root cause for the deterioration of relationships. You were describing your situation, and the same thing happened in my own long-term marriage. We both got interested in others, but by the time that happened, our marriage was well past the point of recovery. We had spent far too many years sweeping issues under the carpet and the resentments had built to the point of no longer being resolvable. We were equally responsible for this situation.

[karinels]

I can relate directly with your dilemma, Veronica, and it is a great point. I do think everyone does react in their own way to any attraction they may feel towards the same sex. I just turned 43 this year, have been dressing since my earliest memories, but these later years I have been feeling the same way. And it has progressed from certain acts to a lot more here recently. I have met with a few guys in the last 2 months, and did dress for them, and have encountered sex with them. Not to be too precise, but there is one act I simply adore doing, others not so well.

I do have a girlfriend, and she knows I dress, and I also informed her in one of first conversations about the bi-curiosity and stated I did not know where the feelings would go, or how far. She has only seen me dressed 2 times, and says she doesn't care what I wear, but she never asks me to dress up. This makes me wonder how well she supports it, and what her reaction to the guys will be. Whether I am BI or gay, I have not achieved satisfaction with any guy, and even my sex life with my gf has been stagnant for a long time, but not because she doesn't want to if that makes any sense.

To you ReineD, how would i react to the hot girl at the office flirting with me? I would be attracted to her, yes. But I would not want to have sex with her. I would be too jealous wanting to be her.

[CONSUELO]

For the first period of crossdressing, from about five until my late twenties, I never even thought about being with a male but then something happened in my life and I found myself in a very casual affair that included a male TV and yes, we had relations. For the next decade or more I regarded that as a singular event but then it happened again and again. I was not prepared for the evolutionary path that my sexuality was taking and was perplexed. I wish now that I had sought out a good counsellor to help me think things through properly. I would advise that for you also, before you find yourself experimenting with new relationships. But, and this is important, find a counsellor who has wide experience of helping crossdressers. It really makes a difference as most counsellors never encounter this in their professional career.

[LelaK]

Anal sex is always dangerous and vaginal sex also leads to STDs for about 40% of those who have casual sex, as I understand.

I'd want to be sure my sex partner has no STDs etc before considering having sex. So I also would prefer someone who's not promiscuous.

[Ddannie]

We had spent far too many years sweeping issues under the carpet and the resentments had built to the point of no longer being resolvable. We were equally responsible for this situation.[/QUOTE]

Renne, Jennifer B,
I found your comments very eye opening for me. 30 years into my first marriage there is an ever growing huge pile under our rug. It intimidates me to even think about looking under there. I found your comments helpful.
D

[MissTee]

This is not "normal" for crossdressers. It may be normal for gay or bi men who happen to also crossdress. As a straight males crossdresser, I never think about being with a man. Nothing is more repugnant, in fact. When I am dressed, I feel pretty. Odd as that seems to write, it makes me feel,good. Sex is not part of this.

I second that

[suspender]

Great thread girls. This dilemma faces many as I have seen over the years on this website alone. For me it is totally internalised with a very few that have been in my company crossdressed. There is no need for a man to be involved (apart from myself) as Jenifer has explained, for me it is about how you feel while you dress. The exhileration is like standing on the edge of a cliff without the fear of jumping, where going the next step from CD to acting out everything with a guy changes the picture to another dimension and could be taking the leap off the cliff. Sometimes clarity is difficult to pull from confusion, but I acknowledge we are all different.