Has anyone moved on with their lives after divorce, and still have their ex wife use their CDing against them.Mine uses this to get her own way regarding my daughter.(by threatening to tell everyone I know.This would be my worst nightmare) Has anyone else had this problem?, and if so how did you deal with it
What they do with that knowledge is up to them. They are the ones who must deal with any resulting karma, not me.
Second star to the right and straight on till morning
You are looking at the disclosure issue and not what lies behind it.
At sometime in the future you, and the mother of your child and your child will have to face up to what it means to have a cross-dressing partner or father.
What your wife is doing may sound like a threat to you, but she and your daughter have lost their home life and it is obvious that your ex-wife feels that your cding is an issue.
Take the sting out of the situation by confronting the issue.
How comfortable would you feel about telling your daughter?
Is your dressing when she visits likely to arise or be a further area of concern?
If you feel that your ex-wife wants to threaten your standing in the community, there will be an embarrassment (possibly) for all of you to confront. So who would gain from this knowledge being out there?
A threat can only be that as long as you collude. A mediation service would help you have far healthier ways of dealing with how you and your ex-wife wish to proceed as parents.
Well, you could always gather everyone together and fill them in on your secret. That would be the one true way to take her power over you away completely.
Secondly, why on earth did you ever get deeply involved with someone who is clearly a very cruel and manipulative person?
E²
I have never been faced with what you describe. However, I don't feel anyone can give you good advice with so little information; such as your age, your daughter's age, how long have you been divorced, or exactly who and how you think her blabbing might effect those relationships. But in the end, it is her risking her reputation for talking about your personal life and activities for no good reason but to harm you.
I know what I'd do. I'd tell her to go ahead and blab all she wants. Then I'd tell her that I have a very good response to anyone she blabs to. Let's say it's mutual friends or even some family members. If they confronted me with her telling them, I'd laugh it off and give then a good story on how your ex-wife put you up to it a time or two for some kinky bedroom games. I'd not act shocked, mad or put off over it. Everyone has a personal sex life with their wife in the bedroom that includes some games. Anyone with any intelligence would accept that from you. Then they would think less of your ex for blabbing about personal bedroom games then they'd likely feel toward you. I'd also disarm her and tell her to just go ahead and do what she must. That may disarm her and take away her power.
I disagree. Destroy the secret and the manipulator no longer holds any power over you. This was an easy one and there is no need to over-complicate it.Originally Posted by BRANDYJ
E²
Until you can get past the fear of exposure your ex will be able to control you (you are not doing anything illegal or immoral based on what you have written so far)
Happened to me. Almost a year ago we split up. And in the meetings between us and the lawyers it was brought up. The fact she was the one that bought me my first corset and so on she left out offcourse. The fact she encouraged my at first when she found out she left out aswell, what you expect huh? The fact she cheated on my for nearly a year she left out ect... And even now she threatens to expose it. Hopefully my girlfriend is the first one she tells it to... i know what reaction she's gonna get haha. Either way, i dont care nemore if she tells anyone. My best friends i told this weekend and none seem to mind thank god. Only one left to tell is my daughter but i haven figured out how or when yet. I wanted to wait a while before i told her but i need to beat my ex to it or she'll get a totaly wrong image of the whole thing. If only i knew how to break it to an 8 yr old....
Last edited by Eryn; 10-22-2012 at 09:00 PM. Reason: Edited profanity.
My situation was a little different. My ex was quite supportive of my CDing throughout our marriage. We broke up for other reasons that I won't go into here, but in her anger she took it upon herself to tell my sons, family members, friends and co-workers. I think some of them disregarded her comments as vindictiveness, but others knew there was more to it than that. Oddly enough, I didn't lose any friends and wasn't estranged from my sons or other family members. So, I think it kinda backfired.
Carry yourself with self-respect and dignity, and don't give in to blackmail.
the suggestions by Brandy and others that you take the offensive and get off the defensive are the best regardless of the circumstances. Perhaps those here with a little more legal expertise can define "blackmail" but I think it includes threats that not only try to elicit money from the victim but actions as well. Blackmail is also a federal offense.
No, I have not had this problem, but unless your ex has pictures, it is easy to write off her claims as those of an angry ex. What she knows and what she can prove to others may be utterly different. Remember, no one will expect that you are crossdresser so they will be likely to dismiss it as the "angry ex" comment.
I agree with Kim. Even if she does tell I'm willing to bet your daughter will still love her dad. As for others, some will believe it some won't and it will all die down quickly.
Agree with what Jennifer says, unless she has photos, you can deny everything and i bet your daughter will still always love her father know matter what
man i feel like a woman
Take the advantage away by coming out, it will be a bumpy ride for a short while.
After that? It can only get better.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Great advice.
My wife often tells me "worry is interest you pay on a debt you don't owe". Your ex is trying to manipulate you because she feels she has something (knowledge about you) that you think is valuable because she can disclose it. Game theory suggests you can remove the power of the threat if you either disclose the secret yourself or let her know that you don't care who she tells. In either case she loses her perceived advantage.
Moreover, being a divorced parent myself, my first priority was keeping the kids safe and as stable as possible. This information about you could be very harmful to your child, especially if your ex chooses to present this as a "wrong" thing thereby damaging your standing as a parent to him/her. Discrediting the other parent is clearly not in the best interest of the child. So your ex isn't just doing this to you, she is potentially affecting the well being of your child as well.
Finally, if she does tell the world, you could still minimize the perception by saying something like "we played dress up one Halloween, and now she's trying to make it into some huge thing".
You have no reason to get involved at all in the discussion, let her be the crazy scornful ex. Every time you stay above or out of the fray, you'll be the responsible one! People will see that over time. Most importantly, continually reassure your kiddo that divorces are hard, adults do some mean things some times out of sadness or fear, but you'll always be dad no matter what someone else says.
Actions mean something. Words are just words.
Meghan
"No matter how far you've gone down a wrong road, turn back."
~Turkish Proverb
Hi Carol
Could it be a ploy I wonder............................
Hmmm
Thera
Mine told everyone during the divorce even the court . Told every if they had a problem come c me nothing a few fights couldn't handle. I finally said o well who cares. U find your true family an friends during all that .
What does she try to extract from you with regard to your daughter? The only things I can think of is trying to restrict visitation rights and extract more child support. At some point in time your daughter will realize you are the same person. A dress cannot change the basic character of a man. At least with regards to your daughter, I suspect if your ex-wife does try to injure the relationship, the bad karma will come back on her.
If she outs you to friends and relatives and co workers, then you will have to deal with it. On the plus side of being outed, she loses her weapon. What leverage will she have once there is disclosure?
During an argument that had nothing to do with cross dressing my wife threatened to tell everyone of my cross dressing. It was actually her fear of losing me that she made the threat. Strange? Threatening to tell everyone to stay married to a cross dresser! Her fear of being alone in old age is worse than living with a closeted cross dresser. Go figure! Later, she told me she would never out me. I don't believe her. But, at my age, what would happen? My kids are in their thirties and I'm retired. There is no leverage now.
Anyway, I digressed. Just remember. Don't fret about the things you cannot control. Either she will out you or she will not. Worrying about it will only cause great angst.
I worried about the same thing with my ex, but found that she was just as embarrassed about the whole cross dressing thing as I was. The few people she did tell actually called me up to offer their support and let me know that it in no way affected our friendship.
I agree with Kim.
Its sad that she is willing to put your daughter right in the middle and use it against you that isn't being a good parent.
Let her know that she is the one that is being the bad parent not you.
That is one weapon you have against her.
I would go on with my life and show her she has no power over you.Always be the responsible one and don't sling mud.That will speak volumes about you and make her look vindictive to others.
Last edited by Tracii G; 10-22-2012 at 11:42 AM.
Talk to David Letterman. He'll tell you to talk to a lawyer about blackmail. Should be pretty easy to record it if she uses it often. Anyhow, what I would do the next time she mentions it, respond with ...'I don't care if you tell anyone because I'll just explain to them how it was your idea when you wanted to do S&M in the bedroom...' make it sound real enough to her and I gaurantee she will think twice. If she says, you wouldn't, you say, 'I even have some of your old leather toys to show them...'....
Chickie
My ex was a bit like that. In the end she never carried through any idle threats made in the heat of a moment, at least not that I'm aware of. I went public of my own accord eventually and her reaction then was to deny any knowledge of my activities, presumably through a fear of personal embarrassment to herself if she was seen to have known and accepted it (as she had).
Ultimately I think most people tend to see blackmail/disclosure of that ilk in a far worse light than cross-dressing and it often gains more sympathy and understanding for the victim than might otherwise be the case.
Blackmail is a weapon that can only be fired once, and then it becomes impotent. You don't even have to come out to the people she might tell. If she does tell anyone and they question you on it all you have to say is "So that's what she's saying now, huh?" and leave it at that. There's no need to dignify her accusation with a denial.
My ex definitely told everyone that she could get to listen for sure !!tough times.
You could say that doesn't surprise me poor girl has problems, so what else did she say?
Posting Permissions
