Conflicted when it comes to dressing in public

[CD_blue]

Sorry for long post. I very rarely post here. When I do its generally huge novel so sorry about the size of post.

Since I originally made my introduction post things have changed a lot for me and my views of cross dressing. I have only been dressing up for about a year now. I foolishly tried (and failed) to ignore this part of myself for many years and did not act on it. The only person that knows I do this is my fiance who embraces it and has helped bring it about to where it is. We go shopping at least once a week and she buys me more clothes/make up/shoes as gifts than I buy myself. We are both very liberal and come from an art background. Nothing like watching a movie and doing your nails with your significant other.

This all started from an awesome pair of 3 and a half inch ankle boots she got for me last week that I really really like.

The problems comes from I've always prided myself in being very eccentric and went against the social norms. It has always been important to me to do my "own thing" and have nothing but admiration for those who do the same. At the same time I recently feel like I am a liar. Cross dressing for whatever reason is clearly big part of who I am, and I am hiding it now just as I did before putting on my first skirt/top. Hiding it out of fear, and fear alone.

I am different than most of the posters here (I think? No offense if I am wrong). I am simply a man who likes pretty clothes, make up, shoes, etc etc. When I am home I am cross dressed basically the entire time. When I get home I change, and I sleep in female clothing. I don't want to pass as a female, I have no interest in changing my voice, and I like the masculine things about me. I keep that masculine side about me when I am dressed as much as I do when I am not dressed. I simply am just me regardless of what I am wearing.

So back to these boots she got for me. I like them so much it almost seems like a waste that I am never going to be able to wear these out and about. I ask myself if I pride myself with being such an individual willing to go against the grain should I not be wearing these boots when I want (assuming it's safe)? To not wear them would be out of pure fear of rejection from a part of society I don't care for to begin with. It makes me feel like a fraud to my values. Easy values to have and preach yet so hard to practice I have found.

Also I am 6'6 and come in at 250 pounds. With these boots I would be about 6'9 and god would I ever stand out. Yet, I am starting to think that perhaps I shouldn't be ashamed of this cross dressing and just do it. I know I can't do it where I currently live (we are moving from here soon as we get our second degrees). We live in perhaps the most conservative area of America. It would be dangerous to go out dressed in even minor things.

I am curious about couple of things. Is there anyone here that has experience dressing in female clothes yet not at all trying to pass as a woman that might actually stand out as much as I do? If I decide to go through with it and say just wear the boots I love so much, maybe simple top, and simple jeans (no make up) how much hassle can I expect to get from it? Remember... I would be standing 6'9 in these heels and already catch attention as it is. I've considered a pair of flats and nothing else female to start off with so I don't stand out as much.

I simply don't know what to expect from this. I am afraid to do it. As I said I feel like a fraud for not following my own beliefs. It is almost like I MUST to do it simply for the fact to not do so would not be sticking to my own personal value system. Yet, I don't want to end up as some kind of youtube video and be the object of a lot ridicule.

So does anyone have any advice or experience with such things? I would appreciate it and insight from those of you who have been into this longer than I have. Like I have said I only been acting on this for a year. Being so large, and knowing I am going to stand out so much just makes it worse. I already can't blend into a crowd as it is lol.

I am feeling like a fraud/liar to myself and beliefs by not doing it.

[Alice Torn]

CD Blue, Wow, we are the same size, only i have ten more pounds on my belly! Yes, we are 6'9 or 10" , and i also fear ridicule going out. In 7 yrs, i have been out about a dozen times. I did get a lot of OMG's when i was out a full day, once. Guys yelling stuff out their vehicle window too. It is scary, when we are so tall and big. I hope to go out several times in the next week, even though i don't like Holloween. Maybe try some very short outings, driving, and short outings first. i am sure some will ignore you, be about their own business, some will notice, and go on, and some may say something to themselves, or to you, or tell others later. eing so tall and large, has its downside, for sure. Being smaller would be a bit nicer for cding.

[Barbara Ella]

Blue, you are not that different from a lot of crossdressers here, as I am sure you will soon see as more read your post and respond. IMHO, 6-6 yo 6-9 with the heels won't attract much more attention. What will attract looks will be the length of the jeans you wear. Most women in heels and jeans are wearing longer jeans that cover most of the boot, and heel, much like you would do with your jeans naturally. Putting on your regular jeans would leave you with a lot of female boot showing, not normal. Your choice to not do this in no way implies any shame toward your crossdressing, it is a personal choice of public presentation. I do not like to go out even in drab, and will stay home now until absolutely necessary. The one thing about a lifestyle is not to let it become dogma and guide everything you do. At times different behavior is completely normal, and in no way compromises any core beliefs. This is not meant to condone situational ethics, but behavior is a personal choice that should not be dictated.

This is really a confidence thing, and as you mention, maybe starting slow is a good thing to get your confidence up. IMHO, if you can walk in them, and I do not mean like a woman, but just walk comfortably and not look like you are struggling, you will pull it off with no problem.

Barbara

[SashaJade]

Wow, I am new here but everything you said is scary close to what I have been thinking and dealing with. Im 6'4" and 250lbs, I went to Rocky Horror Picture show in 3" heels. But as far as going out any other time I haven't done much more than go through a drive though to get coffee and even then I didnt even try to change my voice. I am still trying to figure out how to make myself feel ok with going out towering over the masses. Sorry I dont have much advice but I do understand where you are coming from,

[Stephenie S]

Dear Blue,

No, you are not alone nor unique, hon. There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people right here just like you. Please feel welcome and PLEASE don't think that others here won't understand you.

S

[Jorja]

As already mentioned, you are not unique. There are many here and around the world just like you. There are several here that dress as a woman but do not wear wigs and even have facial hair. They go out on a daily basis. It is not my cup of tea but they seem to get along well in public.

What to expect? Expect to be heckled, harrassed, call every name in the book and then some. But then, you are 6'6" 250 lbs. I don't think many will get in your face. Start out slow. Go for a walk at night just to get the feel. Maybe drive down to the station for some gas. Go to a park with little traffic and get used to being out there. Then work on bigger events and outings. If you do end up on a youtube video, make the best of it. Nobody knew Phy until a few months ago.

Relax, get out there and just have fun with it. That's what life is all about.

[LelaK]

I've heard that most people's worst fear is stage fright, stronger than the fear of death, and I'm sure that's a large part of any fear of CDing in public. I think it's good for everyone to overcome stage fright and I think it's not too hard to do. Suzuki, who developed the Suzuki method, used by people, including young children, who learn to play violin and other instruments, as well as other kinds of performance, taught people to start by having good musicians perform in a group with novices. The novices learned by imitating the pros. The more experience the novices got, the fewer people performed with them. Eventually they learned to perform alone. CDing isn't quite the same thing, but I think learning to get over stage fright by starting out in a group, and shrinking the size of the group, until you're comfortable going solo, is a good way to go. Of course, it's not easy to find CDs I guess, but maybe LGBT groups would be willing to help.

People used to criticize men with long hair. Before that they criticized women who wore short dresses or pants. And so on. Luckily, there always seem to be enough brave souls around that pointless taboos die. Cross-dressing is the next taboo that needs to die, I guess. If it does, will we all be happy? Or will some be sad that it's no longer taboo?

[Badtranny]

I am feeling like a fraud/liar to myself and beliefs by not doing it.

Honesty and self awareness is so refreshing around here. Bravo Blue. Bravo.

[patti1569]

I am different than most of the posters here (I think? No offense if I am wrong). I am simply a man who likes pretty clothes, make up, shoes, etc etc. When I am home I am cross dressed basically the entire time.

Def not that different. Much of what you said rings true with me. I also have strong feelings about not being true to myself. I do go out dressed, but I sneak out. It's not easy, dont be too hard on yourself. You are a relative youngster to all of this. Ive been dealing with these same feelings since childhood. Take baby steps and you will begin to gain confidence and a feeling of becoming true to yourself.

[Roberta Marie]

I have felt this same conflict. I feel that I am in the middle of the gender spectrum, and when I am at home, this is how I dress, fem clothing and breastforms, but no wig or makeup. But when I go out in public I feel that I will be better accepted if I if I present totally fem. I'm working towards going out presenting in the middle, and have gone to the store wearing fem jeans and forms with no makeup or wig ( I have a heavy beard shadow even immediately after I shave). I think our fears are similar.

You say that you pride yourself on going against the grain, and have respect for others that do the same. It seems that wearing your boots would be going against the grain.

Also, you said that you live in one of the most conservative places in America, but you did not say where that is. I think if you were to ask the question here, where is the most conservitive place in America, people from all across the country would say that that place is where they live.

[Jess Marie]

I saw a guy in Forever 21 who was wearing platform heels, by platform I mean like 5 inches, plus another 3 or 4 for the heel itself. He was easily over 7 feet, he looked around 6'5 without the heels on. He didn't seemed phased at all. I could tell people were staring, which probably meant he knew too. He didn't bat an eye or look away from what he was doing, which was hanging out with his friends (a guy and a few girls).

[CD_blue]

Thanks everyone for the responses and I can't tell you how happy to hear I am not alone with this. Some of you with the exact problem and thoughts makes it pretty uplifting. The advice has been really great to hear and a lot of encouragement along with tips on how to pull wearing my boots! Which I think will actually work out quite nicely for my first day out whenever I get the courage to do so. Gives me yet another excuse to buy new pair of jeans

I come from the mindset for example the guy who wore the heels and went 7 feet tall is so brave as many of you are. Facing the chance he/you could come under such public scrutiny and still doing what you want is something so many just don't have courage to do. I might someday get the same courage, and I might not only time can tell. I am pretty certain I will though. If I do I'll make sure to give an update on how it goes but that might be a long time from now... But doubt it lol

I am going to take the advice given here and start off very simple then see where it goes. One thing for certain I am going to try to use these forums more often. I am so new to this I almost find it hard to comment on much. It is great though to meet like minded people.

Again thanks for all the advice! Hopefully you'll see me around here more often.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im one of those that never tryed to be a woman, my facial features say so . put me next to my many women friends & we are dressed in Edwardian wear, i know i stand out so i dress in my clothes that i make & are quite plain looking because its in keeping with how i look. i just dont do frilly or feminine , im just not,

Again many here will far surpass me in how they are made up looks & being very pretty, i would be so very imbarrised to even think i could stand along side any here, as i say ill do the photo work behind the camara,

Yet with all that i am a female / woman just a little different thats all. iv been imbarrised so many times you know youd wont the ground to open up. & see ya im gone.

no im not pretty at all .

We are not all show case's we dont all have those looks. so i looked deeper in side of my self to find what have i got that will compensat my failings, my inner beauty has to be what will shine out. so thats it really.

Im accepted in socity fully as a normal woman so that has to say something about myself & those that accept who i am. im a member of many groups very public seen by every one so maybe my difference can be used in a way that says im more than wellcome do we all look the same,

Im just so fortunate i have so many women friends including Jos & family. & i mean really lovely neat friends,

So does my looks or lack of have any bearing on myself ...no...even just a tiny little bit....hmmmm well yes of cause it does i would not be human if i said other wise,

Im one strong woman who knows who she is & the confidence that goes with that,... hey... remember it was not on the silver plate ether it was very hard work, half a life time , any way,

Use what you have take it & build on that,

One very importaint point is i allowed others in to my life & to share that with those who are close to me, oh yes, many 1000,s of people, not that youll try that on yet you know what i have gained so much by being open so dont think you can not be accepted you just have to show you can,

...noeleena...

[JenniferMBlack]

Blue I too am a man who likes womens pretty things and don't try to be a girl .I have gone out wearing high heels and skirts many times both together and separate. I won't say no one notices but very few even say anything and even fewer say it loud enough or close enough I can understand what they are saying. Useally what I do hear is thats just wrong and a few laughs but it dosen't bother me any more. Also there has been a few good coments useally from girls I have had a few say they liked my skirt or boots and a couple of times I have been asked to show some leg ( more of flirting there) . I say if it is some thing you want to do thn do it most poeple are not going to get the pitch forks and round up the possey and come to lynch you, but you might get a few negative remarks or looks.

[kimdl93]

I don't think you have any obligation to do anything you don't want to do. If you're comfortable wearing women's clothes at home, but don't care to "present" as a woman, that's great. And if you prefer to keep this at home, well, that's ok.

I do go out. I'm not quite so tall, at 6'2", but with low heels I'm still way above average, and as you can tell from my avatar, I'm not likely to pass. But, I have found that most people don't really notice and the few that do are generally either indifferent or quite surprisingly friendly. And, honestly, I enjoy being out in the world because, despite my apparent differences, it feels 'normal' and real for me. Emphasis on "me".

There are some unique challenges to going out simply dressed in women's clothing. If that's something you want to do, then of course you'll need to be mentally prepared to accept some curious reactions, maybe some disapproval. If you don't want to subject yourself to that, well, just keep it at home.

There's no pressure, no expectations, no obligations. You don't owe this to anyone. You neither a fraud or a liar. You're simply being true to yourself.

[bridget thronton]

Only go out if you can enjoy the experience - but if you have a reason to go out (shopping, dinner, event) I suspect your will have a good time

[DonniDarkness]

First of all stop stressing yourself out about going out. Use that energy your spending on anxiety for something that will have a healthy impact on your desire to go out.

When i first went out i wore a very androgynous look, although you could tell i was in drag. Good fitting girl jeans and heels with a layered button-up blouse. Simple makeup and my favorite wig. The idea was to dress as the women in my age group, be out for a drink with my wife, appetizers and then home. I set a small goal for myself. "Just be the most confident "me" i could be."

Im six foot tall and in my heels around 6'4''. So blending for me is difficult too. Tall Drag Queens get noticed, its just they way it is. Ive been out my share of times now and have never had a bad experience because im Safe, confident, and dress to blend where im going.

My wife says people look because they are naturally curious, but when you carry yourself well at six foot tall and act like you do it all the time. It shuts the door on peoples chance to ridicule you. So being tall and bigger than everyone is really a plus, no knuckledragger idiot wants to get his butt kicked by a 6'6'', 200+ Man in Drag.....Just be calm, polite, and joke back with people. Breaking the ice is best done over a good laugh.

The best advice is start with something small to build your confidence. Dress up, go for a drive in the evening with your wifey....or something to that extent. Start with small trips where you dont have to deal with anyone, but yet your out of the house......Soon youll be like "Baby, were going OUT on the town tonight!"

Confidence goes a long way,
-Donni-

[Stephenie S]

Listen dear, at 6'5" and 250 pounds, NOBODY is gonna give you a hard time (no pun intended). Relax. You can do pretty much whatever you want.

There's a guy who I see occasionally at our local Barnes and Noble Bookstore. He is easily over 6 feet tall, wears a full beard, plaid shirt, leather vest, high lace up work boots, and the cutest navy blue pleated wool skirt. Nobody pays him the slightest mind.

How others perceive you depends almost entirely on how you perceive yourself. If you are strong and confident, others will see you as strong and confident. If you present as scared and guilty, others will see you as scared and guilty. It's kinda up to you. You are NEVER gonna "pass" as a sexy seventeen year old model. It just ain't gonna happen no matter what you do. But you can "pass" as a strong, confident, 6'5", 250 pound woman. As I said, it's up to you.

S

[CD_blue]

Good advice again and again thank you!

I think everyone is right here that is a confidence issue. I have came a very long way with this in the past year and perhaps I am pushing the boundary of what I am comfortable with against what I feel I should do/want to do. Perhaps the best piece of advice is to just relax and have fun heh.

From reading this though it seems like confidence is one of the main things with going out dressed in public. Makes sense that the vibe I present would effect those around me. I expect to face a bit of name calling, laughs, etc etc. I just don't want it getting too extreme such as dealing with violence.

Another thing I think has effected me I think I should have put in here. I was going to Kansas University about 16 years ago (Lawrence was pretty liberal city and I assume it still is). It was my first year of college and was only 18. There was a male dressed as a female just walking to class. Nothing extreme at all. Just had hair nicely done, flats, capris, like average casual college girl would dress.

Anyhow a couple of very large male students made some very bad and very loud comments to them where all could hear. It was very crowded walk way full of students and a lot of people heard. Called them some homophobic names... Along with describing them openly as "sick". The person dressed up just walked on like they didn't hear any of it. This really left a bad taste on what I could face in future. I actually am kind of sad I never stood up for them, but I was only 18. The whole ordeal just blew my mind that it was even happening. I do feel bit of guilt for doing nothing. Hopefully someone reported them. Just wish it was me that done the reporting...

Do you run into such things? Things this extreme is what worries me.

Anyhow... I do think being 6'5 might very well play as an advantage heh. I think I am going to start with something very simple, and just move up from there. See where it goes one piece at a time as Johnny Cash would put it. I've talked to my fiance about this and she supports me in it. I think I would enjoy it once I got more comfortable with it.

[Eryn]

It's seldom that I feel lucky at 6'2", but I do feel for the ladies that are taller. I go out regularly in the mainstream and have not had any problem, but I do pay attention to my presentation and try to blend as well as I can. I don't wear heels on mainstream outings as few GGs of my height do so. It is fun to encounter a tall GG and see that involuntary glance at my feet (and mine at hers) before we smile and move on.

I also belong to a CD group that gets together once a month at "friendly" restaurants and some of the girls in the group are in Blue's range. We certainly do turn a few heads when we arrive for a dinner! We always have a good time because with this group there is no concern about passing or blending although we do our best to present a classy feminine image. You didn't give us any location information, but you might be able to find a similar group.

So, my message to Blue is that you can get out there if you want to, but you might want to plan your first outings carefully. Also consider your fiancée, as she will probably be more nervous than you are! Our SOs are like mother lions protecting their cubs, no matter how tall we are!