Would I prefer to be?

[steph1964]

This post was moved from my last thread by the administrators because the old one had gone off topic.

...I'll bet you a nickel Steph would do anything right now to BE a crossdresser

I spent over 40 years of my life, not wanting to be a crossdresser. I would fight the urge to dress until it became unbearable, and then be filled with guilt and shame after I had dressed. I started seeing a counselor about 18 months ago and one of the things she worked on with me is that this was not some terrible thing that I was doing. At first I would crossdress at home with Angie, but going to support groups with other crossdresser helped me see that it was OK to be a crossdresser.

The problem was that as I read posts on the forum, and talked to other crossdressers, I realized that their experience was different than mine. It wasn’t about how the clothes feel, the excitement, or any of the other reasons I was given why people crossdress. Crossdressing didn’t quench the beast. I would have a great time going out dressed en femme, but the next day the urge would still be there, just as strong. In fact, the more I allow myself to be female, the harder it is to live my normal male life. For example, Angie agreed to let me shave my body temporarily, but the thought that I will have to go back to having body hair is unbearable. At first I thought that this was just the pink fog everyone talks about but it has not subsided.

Angie and I have a great relationship, a great family and I have a great life. Except, I am thinking of this when I wake up every morning, when I go to bed every night, and at most times in between. Kaitlyn Michele so eloquently explained in a post titled “A thought about when enough is enough” where she said “Does every single moment of your life feel like its about your gender except when its ‘interrupted’ by the other things in your life?” This is very true for me, except recently the other things in my life are having a harder time interrupting. I don’t remember a day in my life when I didn’t think about my gender, but assumed that the thoughts were related to the urge to crossdress. I now know that the thoughts have nothing to do with the act of crossdressing, but the uncontrollable want and need to be me. Kaitlyn Michele is correct, this is tearing my life apart and I would do anything right now to be a crossdresser.

[KellyJameson]

Once you realize there is an escape from the pain you were in you also realize that the pain is not normal to life so to go back into it willingly is extremely difficult and the more you try the more it hurts because pain is a warning that something is wrong so commands a solution.

[ChelseaErtel]

Stephanie:

Well, I am feeling the exact same way. I steal moments to dress and feel feminine. I get to work early and I walk more feminine, move my arms and hands with freedom, which if someone was there would assume I'm gay. I don't like using urinals anymore, a sit all the time now. I hate when my naughty bits begin to stir or just move - very annoying.

And "every single moment of my life feels like it's about my gender". I think about it all of the time, I'm obsessed with reading about changing, FFS, SRS, legal issues, name changes, affects on my family and on and on. I am going to ask my therapist about making a definitive plan on telling my wife. I keep looking at the is forum I think to help me find the answers I'm looking for. When I look at my wife, and I think about telling her, I just can't imagine it going well. She is going to think I'm nuts.

I sit here, at home, watching a movie and I wonder how the different women's outfits would look on me, or if I like the style. Not, ooh, how beautiful she is but I wish I could look like her. What can I change in my makeup routine to me more like those women I see and admire.

I spent three weeks almost 100% time dressed. That did on satisfy me, I was immediately depressed as soon as I had to go back to being my male me. I'm underdressing, but that doesn't help at all. No satisfaction except I like the feel better.

So, I'm with you Stephanie. I'm discovering and searching, but I do know I'm more than a crossdresser.

[Amy A]

My gender identity is constantly there in my mind at some level. I've tried to put this into words before and failed, but it's not just about clothes, it's a basic feeling deep down that something is wrong, me and my body don't match up. It's getting worse all the time as well. I don't feel mentally equipped to be male. It's the fear of what I could lose that holds me back; my girlfriend, my job.

I do envy the members here who do enjoy being male and see croddressing just as a momentary escape, like a hobby. I need to work out if I can live life as some sort of a compromise or not. The next couple of years will be tough, I'm sure. I wish you all the best for your future.

[kimdl93]

I have a somewhat different situation, in that I do dress en femme 70% of the time. Since I started working from home over three years ago, I have been able to dress daily, rather than having to present as a man at the office. So my normal is living, working and going out in my neighborhood and around town en femme. Having this level of opportunity has not quelled or satiated my desire to dress...to present as a woman. If anything, being able to spend so much of my time en femme has made it more difficult during the few hours each week when I revert to male mode.

My thought is that rather than meeting an occasional need, for some like me, dressing has become an expression of the person I am, the person I want to be seen as. I give up a few hours of myself each week to provide my wife with the semblance of a male partner when we are with some family members and her coworkers. For me that balance works, but just barely.

[Anna Talyn]

Hi Steph. Your post really resonates with me. I really thought I could let it be just a hobby. Didn't work. It is definitely so much more and I find myself now wishing I could have found that magic stopping balance point that I could quench a couple times a year. I started seeing a therapist now and am trying to figure this out. It even occupies my sleep now.