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Last edited by ChelseaErtel; 02-03-2013 at 09:13 AM.
I hope all goes well. Good luck you may need it.
oh i'm sorry and hope things work out for the best.
hopefully this is a blessing in disguise, and maybe after a good honest
talk, she turns out to be supportive!!
paula
hang in there, just be honest and give it time to settle in. you've had all this time to come to grips with this and she will need the time too. When I told my wife i offered everything, internet, books, ect. she didnt talk to me for about a week. I though o well i'll be moving out soon but she came to me and said it was ok. its been about 8 years and she still gets hot and cold about it.
If you were ready to have "the talk" with her anyway, at least now the edge is a bit dulled and it might go much smoother. I certainly hope so...best wishes.
It is little things like the lipstick that happen so easily and are so obvious that catch us out.
One piece of advice (from my psychologist) is to talk to her in "I" statements, e.g. "I am terrified that I will lose you but I need to share something really important about me. This is how I feel ...." What you need to avoid is akin to a game of tennis where you serve, your wife returns the ball as hard as she can and the discussion intensifies. No one wins. The "I" statements are aimed at you taking the ball off the court. It also avoids you trying to put yourself in your wife's position ... she will do that for you much better!!
And don't make promises you can't keep.
Good luck. I well understand why you are nervous.
Michelle
Michelle: Thanks you for the advice and I'll heed it. I'm just trying to get her to talk to me but she keeps going on doing things. So, when she gets home (took my daughter out to get poster board) I'm going to ask her to sit down and talk in private. I think having my daughter close will help keep things calmer. I was ready, but I did not exactly plan it this way. Better out than in I always say.
Oh, my god. I'm shaking........
Good luck. Already a lot of good advice. Seems like you also have to have a separate discussion with your daughter.
Just don't give too many details. A simple I like to dress in women's clothing is enough for now. Then as her questions come out, answer each one directly, honestly and most importantly, succinctly. It seems that we tend to over explain to others, when it really is not necessary, and when the other is not really interested in all the details at that specific moment. You will have many more opportunities to talk about the details later after she has had the time to digest that first big news that you dress. Good luck.
Unless that's not the truth. Lying to her - especially about something as big as this - is wrong, unfair, and a sure way to find yourself alone. If you tell her the truth - the whole truth - and she leaves you sooner rather than later, isn't that more fair to her? Your daughter? Yourself?Originally Posted by AllieSF
What do you want? Who do you want to be? If you don't know, then tell her that. Do not tell her something to calm her down, when the truth will come out anyway.
Kathi
No offense to you, Chelsea, or any other member. But, after reading so many threads over the years, it ceased to amaze me the number of members who think their wives are just plain non observant. People have routines. People put things exactly in place time and time again. My wife made the comment one time that see thought she saw eye makeup that I had not totally removed. She did not say anything at the time. Give some credit to your wives. They are not stumps. If I was a truly secretive operator, I would have been working for the CIA. I'm sure the lipstick on the glass or cup is not the only slip up you have made.
Time to fess up. Frankly, you're going to find out your wife would have rather the lipstick was from another woman than you in a dress. A woman at least can try to work her charms on her man and win him back. Trying to woe him away from wearing a dress?? Nah! The best you can hope for is acceptance of your little quirk because all your other qualities override your cross dressing.
Good luck and hang tight -- by your recent posts, you've been moving toward this moment for a while now, so at least it's not something you haven't been giving serious thought. I've been through the spousal storm too, so I'll be thinking good thoughts for you
Good Luck Chelsea, I am hoping for the very best for you S.
Chelsea I wish you the best of luck with this. I was also planning to tell my GF in a different way and at a different time but fate had other plans. In the end I didn't have to tell her at all but I went ahead anyways. this may be the break you needed to force you to have this talk especially if you plan to transition. From the sounds of things though, yours is not going to go as smooth as mine did.
Flip Flops were made for Beaches & Bath Houses, We have neither in 2017. Lose the flip flops!
Hope everything works out for you. Deep breaths.
I know enough to know I don't know enough.
Peace
Well I've told her, and it's more than just crossdressing, but as I have said before is nothing certain at this point. I know I am not happy as a man. At least my therapist and I agree there but we have not talked about what is next, and that is what I had to tell my wife. I asked her if I was just a CD, would that make it better and the answer was no.
Oddly enough, she had not a clue. But, we have been living pretty much in a platonic relationship for five years or so.
It was very hard, but we agreed to not expose our children right now. Our daughter specifically we agreed to keep this from her for now. My son we will tell eventually, but not while he's in school. My children are first, my wife second and I am third. That being the case, I will keep this from the community. Eventually, if I transition I will move to another town and start over - just dissolve away. I like to think that I'd be accepted, but that would be unrealistic.
My biggest concern is telling my children in the proper way, and to get support. One of my TS friends is going to help me with a support group, a TG doctor etc. When and how is all an unknown, but I have help and support here in VA and I'm taking advantage of it all.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, but some other weights have been added. I honestly don't know what will happen, but at least my wife is willing (at the moment) to help make those family decisions. She's not going to tell everyone, go to a lawyer, make me move out etc.
I have reassured her that I want to keep the impact on her as low as possible. It's not just about me, and affects a great many people. I have a long, painful road ahead and I'm not sure where it will lead. At least now I have been honest with my wife, and I think I can now move on with my life.
I'm not being very clear right now, I'm kind of in a fog wandering slowly - it all seems so surreal. So Saturday out to a TG social, and next Friday to my first support group. Life does throw some curves at you. I have to go take some Advil, my head hurts.
Kathi:
You are right and I told the whole truth and nothing but the truth, hard as it was. So, it's the status quo and we'll be talking and deciding what to do as we move along.
Chelsea I'm proud of you, you did the right thing. I just want you to know that I'm pulling for you! I hope things improve for both you and your family with this new level of communication with your wife. I think your signature is probably an accurate description of how you feel right now. You will feel better, hopefully sooner rather than later. Keep taking advantage of your support systems, including this one!
Hugs,
Stephanie Marie
"Fear is the mind killer." Frank Herbert, Dune
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." Ferris Bueler
"I make a GREAT team!"
I hope things turn out ok for you. Just remember we didn't choose this and although it really is a ton of weight we will always have to carry, there are others out there with harder burdens than us. For your sake always be honest and do not forget that you hid it out of being protective of others. In being honest we may not always have the outcome we want but we will have the knowledge that we did the right thing. In years to come your self respect will be shaped by the honesty and character you show today. Chin up girl, sometimes what seems bad now looks better in hindsite. Good luck.
Hope things work out for you, Chelsea. You are a good person confronting a difficult situation and trying to proceed with honesty and caring for those close to you. What more can you do?
Good luck Chelses, prayers and thoughts with you.
well you can redefine what you imagine a man to be .......then shade in where and what you are.
I am pleased that the outcome did not develop into a shouting match.
You can at least both talk about it without scratching each others eyes out.
Try and work it out between yourselves without lawyers.
All they do is take their share of the proceeds.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Easier to ask forgiveness than permission again. I agree with Allie but you have to get this OUT in the open. Otherwise you won't have any trust left in your marriage.
The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
Chief Joseph
Nez Perce
“Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,
Thank you ladies, for all the support. Last night she did ask questions, and some good ones. Most related to the children if I transition. I still cannot see myself not transitioning, I can't go on the way I have been and now it's even more important. The desire is just that much more, that closer.
The thing is, and this is all so hard to put into words here, I'm so worried my children will not want to see me anymore. I think my son will come around, but my daughter, I just don't know. I can work through all the social stigmas as I'm not going to allow my issue to impact her life anymore than it has to. I don't feel as empty inside as I expected. My wife asked me do I see myself alone at 75 or 80 with no one. We'll, I had to say I've had to think that, but I hope not. What else can I do?
But, I won't be alone - maybe family will desert me - but I already have TS friends, TG friends, and CD friends. A few I know personally they have already been in touch and helping. I often wondered why I most of my friends, my really good friends are gay, lesbian, or TS. Maybe I saw something in them that was in me I didn't recognize. I'm not gay, but I don't want to have another relationship. I'm not a sexual person I've come to realize, why I have asked myself and am trying to figure it all out.
My marriage was already over. I think she would have left if I didn't make so much more money than her. So, we are going to talk which is wonderful. We are not going to do anything rash, and be honest with each other. I hope as this sets in and we move forward that she will be supportive and not turn my children against me. She said she won't, but these are delicate times. She did seem receptive to seeing my or a therapist together as a family. I wonder if that is the conduit to tell my children, to have a professional there to explain it, because I have a difficult time with it at times. When I was telling her I had a pebble in my sock, so I took off my sock and she saw my painted toe nails. She wants me to remove that in case I end up in the hospital. Well, I'm not going to do that. She doesn't know I've shaven my body hair, so what would a little nail polish do for the picture in addition to my panties and camisole I usually wear. The Dr and nurses don't care, they just take care of the body and they can't tell anyone so, I'm leaving it on. I would love to have my ears pierced, but that would go too far right now. I may mention it as a desire to see my kids reaction, which if I know them well will be to go ahead. But, these are small things.
She said she felt sorry for me, which is OK I guess. She's genuinely concerned what my life is going to be like and not JUST concerned with our children. After I crawled into bed (our activity-less bed) she asked about my trip to NJ, that did I just sit in the room dressed. She was kind of shocked when I told her some of what I did. So, she's taking baby steps. I'll offer answers to her questions when SHE is ready. All the feelings of loss - disbelief, guilt, anger, sadness, acceptance (I think that's close, I'm too tired to look it up, but you get the picture) - will come. We both know that. I've already gone through them several years ago when she pulled away from our marriage bed. I think she understands the reasons she did that are because of who I am and who I am becoming.
I'm in a weird, foggy state now and I'm not sure what I'm feeling - mostly numb. Deep down, I know I'm doing the right think. It's how we handle it now, how my family handle's now that will be the big thing. Her whole family will be coming to our house for Thanksgiving and she's going to tell two of her sisters for support. I know it won't stay with her sisters, it will get out and spread and I don't think I can be there when it does. One against 23 people, nope, I can't do that. So, I think well cancel the plans, or I'll go to PA to visit my parents. I'm going to have to talk to her about that.
Thanks again for all your support. Cheers!
I gone down the slippery slope and there is no turning back. The good thing is I don't want to. I dreamed of being a woman, but there too many opstickels, but a few have now been knocked down.
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