Motel/hotel rooms and the shame of crossdressing...I feel a rant coming on!

[Leslie Langford]

It occurs to me that so many of the photos that fellow forum members here have posted on this site were taken either in motel or in hotel rooms, based on the decor evident in the background. That just underlines again how secretive most of us still are regarding our "strange" hobby. Not just secretive, but downright ashamed, actually...

The more I think about this, the more sad it makes me. Yeah, yeah, we know all the reasons - unknowing or unaccepting spouses or SO's, trapped in DADT relationships, don't want to screw up the kids, freak out the neighbors, relatives, or friends (or frighten the horses, for that matter), fear of confrontations with "haters", fear of embarrassment, fear of losing our jobs etc....the list goes on and on.

And yet, beneath the "girly" clothes, most of us are still good husbands, partners, and providers, concerned and loving fathers (and grandfathers, uncles, sons, brothers etc.), valued employees, friends and confidants to others who don't know this side of us, taxpayers, pillars of our communities, moral and God-fearing individuals, and generally good citizens and net contributors to society.

So why then do we allow this same society to do this to us and go into self-imposed exile just because we are different and don't conform to generally accepted norms? Why are some vices somehow "okay" and more easily accepted just because they are more common, but not necessarily more superior from an ethical standpoint?

Shouldn't this type of shunning be reserved for those who truly deserve it - the pedophiles, the career criminals, the homo- and transphobes, the pimps, the drug dealers, the purveyors of child porn, the stock market wheelers and dealers who destroy companies and jobs and gut people's pension plans on the pretext of creating shareholder value, and yes - even the self-absorbed and unrepentant manipulators such as Charlie Sheen, Bill Clinton, Silvio Berlusconi etc., along with assorted other pimples on the @ss of humanity such as Paris Hilton and the Kardashians?

Their actions are so outrageous and so "out there" that they fascinate us the way train wrecks do, and somehow we can't help ourselves but to watch them while shaking our heads. And in this way, we validate their existence rather than banishing them from our minds and letting them slip back into the obscurity which they so richly deserve.

And yet, society often still dares to judge us transgendered folk far more harshly than these other "outliers", and often succeeds in brainwashing us into believing that we are some sort of lower form of life, and deserving of the scorn often heaped upon us.

Far too often, we aid and abet this vicious circle by either hiding deep in the closet, or else dressing in the aforesaid motel and hotel rooms, safely hidden behind locked doors and drawn curtains lest someone spot us indulging in our "hobby" and having their fragile psyches scarred for life as a result.

If one looks at this whole situation perfectly logically, it is total B.S., and sometimes I feel like doing what actor Peter Finch's character Howard Beale did in the 1976 movie "Network", when he went on this rant:

"All I know is that first you've got to get mad. (shouting) You've got to say: 'I'm a human being, god-dammit! My life has value!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!..."

So let's take a cue from our gay and lesbian fellow travellers on this sex/gender continuum, be "loud, proud, and out", come out of hiding and go forth confidently into the big bad world, see and be seen, and don't let anyone ever try to diminish us again because of who or what we are...

[AllieSF]

Leslie, you make a good point and action will only happen when others start taking that action. In the meantime, those that dress in motel rooms may not be ashamed at all, but rather know what the consequences may be if they are caught dressing. So, in their cases, judgment probably correctly overcomes pro-active action and potential unwanted and unneeded negative consequences of that action. I go out all the time, but see no justified reasons for me to come out to family and friends. I really gain very little and will definitely cause undo harm to others and probably to myself by exposing that pink elephant in the room. In other words, dressing in a motel room or keeping the secret is our way of dealing with the obstacles associated with this different hobby/lifestyle of ours. We gain what we need and do not inconvenience others, nor take a potentially very risky and unnecessary path. All in my personal opinion.

[Robinkay]

I Love the Quote...... 'I'm As Mad As Hell, And I'm Not Going To Take This Anymore!..."

I really wish it was that easy.....

[mikiSJ]

...those that dress in motel rooms may not be ashamed at all, but rather know what the consequences may be if they are caught dressing. ...judgment probably correctly overcomes pro-active action and potential unwanted and unneeded negative consequences of that action. ... In other words, dressing in a motel room or keeping the secret is our way of dealing with the obstacles associated with this different hobby/lifestyle of ours. We gain what we need and do not inconvenience others, nor take a potentially very risky and unnecessary path. ...

I cannot add anything to what Allie has said. My hotel/motel room is my bedroom when the adult children who live with me are at work. As you can see in my image, I found a blank wall to take my images, and not the cheap night stand and side lights, but it is still essentially the same as the motel room.

Miki

[Kathi Lake]

Why do we hide? Well, your fifth paragraph pretty much sums it up. All those icky things you mentioned? Yeah. That's what they think we do. That's what they think we are. Whether due to ignorance, misinformation, or other reasons, because our condition is so unknown it gets grouped in with the less savory things in life.

Couple that with what people see of us on exploitation shows like Jerry Springer and the like, and simple incomprehension and mistrust is blown up by the media into full-blown paranoia. I mean, which do you think would get more press; a simple crossdresser walking around in a shopping mall, or a boyfriend that just found out that his 'girlfriend' really, . . . isn't? Yes, you and I know the huge gulf between these two people, but John Q. Public? Nope. We are lumped together because to them we're both men in dresses.

As for the "loud and proud" aspect? Remember - we're all different people. We all have different ideas on how we present ourselves. From people like me who dress boring enough to make a librarian yawn, to those that wear a belly shirt (with matching beer belly), a miniskirt, fishnets, and five-inch stilettos - to the grocery store - we all affect the public differently. Now, I'm not saying everyone should dress like me, but some do 'feed the stereotype' so to speak.

So, do we fix this with; "I am woman (sort of), hear me roar" displays? Dunno. I do know that some people are moved by those spectacles, while some are turned off by it. All I know is that I try to always leave a positive impression when I go out. To me, that's the best we can do.

Kathi

[Sarah Doepner]

I can't find much here to disagree with Leslie. There is a tendency for each of us to find the way we face this as individuals but to have any kind of impact in the long run we will have to team up. It's a big step to move from shame to acceptance to advocacy. Occasionally we each should take inventory of our fears, hopes, talents and opportunities to improve our world. Stirring up the masses is a good reminder that we share more than what we see here on this site. There is a big world out there and we have the opportunity to make it a bit more like this little electronic one if we want to give it a shot.

Now if we could just find a major, well respected network anchor to start talking about his journey and take up the fight. . . .

[Leslie Langford]

...Now if we could just find a major, well respected network anchor to start talking about his journey and take up the fight. . . .

Exactly. A TG version of Anderson Cooper or sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage, perhaps.

Then again, we've already heard from Chaz Bono, who not only wrote a book about his life journey so far, but also gave an especially good account of himself on "Dancing With the Stars." A very positive role model, indeed.

[Kaz]

The trouble is, Leslie, that we all want the 'anchor' to be there, but none of us want to be him/her? I often find myself thinking that I should be more 'out there'... but then the cr*p of life invades and I tunnel into my 'zone'... The trouble is that I do not really know if I do want to be 'out there'? Being closeted isn't as bad as it sounds!

[Kora]

I don't go to hotels to hide, instead I go to a different area in town where I'm likely to not be recognized. I will and do walk around in 4" knee high boots, tights, a tight dress, bra, wig, and my beard outside and in the common areas! My SO has no problem with me dressing and we usually get a suite or a room with plenty of room to roam.

At night I like to open the curtains and walk around/show off a little I guess. I think that's why I don't feel like it's hiding because I will go walk around with the people at or near the hotel. I feel like I'm showing off more and saying, "look at me, yes I'm a man in a dress and heels and I have better legs than your woman!" I've never considered it hiding myself, instead it's a way to dress up more openly, we live with another person that doesn't know I CD so getting away from home feels more open, yeah it's odd and so am I.

[Roberta Marie]

I don’t think that we can judge or criticize anybody for making the decision to not be out. That would be no better than the people that judge those of us that are out and about. The best that we can do is to make the best decisions that we can and live with the consequences.

Those of us that are out should encourage and support those that are willing to take those steps. I might encourage those of us that are out to be less absorbed with ourselves and to be more active in activities that will have a positive effect on society’s perception of the crossdressing community. This might include anything from talking to an LGBT group or psychology class at a local community college to serving dinner to the homeless. In this way we can help to make it easier for those that are still in the closet to be out.

[Jenny Gurl]

Just trying to clear up the homo comment, I think she was trying to abbreviate homophobic people with the transphobes with the hyphen. She wasn't linking homosexual people with those other descriptions.

Quote "the homo- and transphobes"

Also while not all crossdressers travel in their careers, many do. Taking hotel photo's may just be an evening unwinding after a day at work away from home.

[Angela Campbell]

he wasn't a crossdresser, so at least he had some redeeming features that the general public could relate to...

How do you know he wasn't a crossdresser?

[Lorileah]

Exactly. A TG version of Anderson Cooper or sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage, perhaps.

Wow how's this for timing???Eden lane

India has a TS host also.

The thing is that in most cases the CD here can put it away and not have to show it, If you are Gay or Lesbian you cannot just shut it off. So they had a huge investment. When you are told you cannot love someone it is far bigger than telling someone they cannot wear panties. To put it more simply, most here could not care less less, they just like the thrill (Like today's post about biking underdressed and then "forgetting" they were underdressed...that just says to me that it is the thrill NOT the clothing, otherwise why would you even care about your underwear to start with?).

How many times must we say "It is only clothing"? and then have someone state how "girly" they feel, or how shaving your legs is "feminine"? Really? Why is it feminine? You can say "I like the feel of smooth skin". But no, some have to make it sexual.

But we preach to the choir here. So many fear the loss of something that it is just easier to get your fix (wow there that makes it soooo much better because a GG who reads that will say..."See...you do it for a thrill"). But it is true. If it were suddenly not a stigmatized action, 90% here would go find a new "hobby".

Why is dressing in a hotel better than meeting a woman (or man) in a hotel? Don't we make that an action that asks to be scrutinized? (OP's point except I don't see the same people she mentions as all bad people...really the Ex-president of the US???).

The point is as log as the mice can hide and feel safe when the lights are turned on, they will continue to sneak out when the cat is busy elsewhere. Of course those are the same mice who scream about how their SO is SO unaccepting because they were sneaking behind the SO's back for 10-20-30- years. A lie is a lie, sneaking is sneaking, hiding is hiding.

edit, since Leslie has to bring up morals...lets not forget that some of the greatest people in the world had affairs...even Canadian PM's. I get the point, cheating is cheating but c'mon You going to paint JFK with that brush?

[Matia]

I think it is about discrimination, in this case, judging people by the way they dress. It is sexual yes, and you can't just put it away, this argument is like saying that gay man may choose not to kiss other man. It is ofc more complicated than that but the point is , we would like to have similar understanding (the tg community) as our gay friends. It shouldn't matter what we wear, it should matter what kind of people we are and how we act in public. I see that Leslie tries to point out, that we make it difficult for ourselves. I am not a revolutionair but if suddenly all cds were going out dressed when they wish to, society would have many more inputs and they would understand us better. If we leave it to the drag queens and Jerry Springer how are they to blame if its millions of us (globally) in closet? Lets face it, in most cases it is about man pride, however its denied or sugarcoated we dont want to be called gay or feel any judgment or shame. It feels like the "feminine" world here is often very distorded, full of cliche that might make GG angry or laugh. If we went public just like that we would need to face reality more, and not everyone is ready. Are we afraid to be judged by clothes ? Now welcome to woman's world ! I realised that its actually my crossdressing that may open up doors for my gfs - girls rarely can wear whatever they like without being judged. In the end i'll say it again, if we want more freedom we need confidence, present ourselves in a way we are happy with and be good people, then the storm will come, yes, but it always does as the seasons change

[Vickie_CDTV]

Remember, at least in some cases those photos taken in hotel rooms are taken while the people in them are at a trans conference (good idea to take a picture while the makeup and hair are fresh etc.) It doesn't necessarily mean they are totally closeted.

[rachael.davis]

Exactly. A TG version of Anderson Cooper or sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage, perhaps.

Then again, we've already heard from Chaz Bono, who not only wrote a book about his life journey so far, but also gave an especially good account of himself on "Dancing With the Stars." A very positive role model, indeed.

I think "Savage Love" would do more harm than good, Dan Savage's columns kind of creep me out.

[Barbara Ella]

Cannot disagree with anything that Leslie said about our situation. However, the gay/lesbian situation was not brought into the mainstream by the loud proud shouting expositons, IMHO. It was brought into mainstream reality by kind thoughtful caring gays and lesbians going about their daily life in the best exemplary manner, showing all that they really are good citizens, and great people in their own right. Sure, every once in a while a good shout out is cathartic for the soul, but it does not sway public opinion.

Now, it is much more difficult for us, because as we go through our daily life being good fathers, husbands, citizens, the public really has no way of knowing, so it is harder to change their perceptions. Catch 22 at work. This will be slow, but we all just need to be the best person we can be at all times and hope to catch some individuals eye and make a good impression.

Barbara

[Stephanie47]

I don't mean to be rude, but, if if it is taken as such, then, oh well. Your list of people who you wish to put on the shun list is fairly encompassing. Your analysis is no different than a lot of people I know who wish to shun gays, lesbians and all shades of transgendered peoples.

[docrobbysherry]

The answer to your question is maddenly simply, Leslie. I try to explain it to my teen daughter quite often.

"Life is not fair!"

[OKPink]

I travel on business, and spend up to 200 nights a year in hotels. My wife and travel about every 6 weeks for an extended weekend vacation, in addition to the business travel (all those points and miles have to be used). The unusual photos are the ones that are NOT in a hotel!

[Frédérique]

If you can look at yourself in the mirror, when you're NOT dressed and say "I am a transgender person" and truly accept yourself for who you are, then you will begin to slowly come out of your shell.

[SIZE="2"]That’s fine and dandy if you ARE a transgendered person, but let’s not assume that the CD in the motel/hotel room, beset with alleged shame and struggling to express himself is transgendered – there are plenty of MtF crossdressers who dress as women, but they do not identify as female. Our boy in the motel is doing the best he can, under the circumstances, so please leave him alone so he can find himself, or herself, or at least derive some momentary pleasure from his crossdressing. I remember a time gone by when I could crossdress in peace without all of this TG rhetoric clouding my mind, but then I came to discussion forums like this one, and my crossdressing wasn’t so simple anymore. I take issue with this line of reasoning that you must be out in the open, come what may, or you’re just not qualified to be a TRUE MtF crossdresser – it sounds a lot like the bullying I used to get in the playground, where effeminacy was targeted without mercy, but now it's coming from a new (and, I must say, unwelcome) angle...

Saying there is a “shell” surrounding one’s true self sounds pretty, but, if you ask me, ALL people have protective enclosures, kept in place for security and survival. If you look in the mirror you will see what you want to see. How can I NOT accept who I am? This was automatic, and I immediately started to build my defenses against those who would do me harm. I live in a world where boys who identify as boys cannot be girls – not now, not ever, so I have to be very creative in my “approach” to this world. I want to crossdress for the sake of crossdressing, and let the rest take care of itself. Just like the heroes in the motel and hotel rooms, I know my limits, and I have developed my own boundaries for comfort – since I’m not TG, this is as far as it goes, but, to those who insist on being prideful, my ilk will never go far enough. This issue will forever be deadlocked, because I will not exceed my limits just to please and empower someone else, and the TG pundits will never take me seriously. We are worlds apart...

One more thing – a shell is just a metaphor. You assume I’m in a shell that I have created for myself, but, from my vantage point, I don’t detect the presence of a shell at all – you’re TELLING me that there is something wrong with me, and, on this point, I beg to differ...
[/SIZE]

[Lorileah]

Freddy, I know you have your own ideas here but Transgendered is NOT the same as transsexual. It does include even the most transient CD's. Even a guy who dresses as a female for fun is transgendered...by definition that we use here at the very least. This is part of the issue when "we" don't even use the same terms in the same manner. And you are not reading the posts. No one said you MUST. You will gain the advantages when they come, the other minorities have had the same issues. Those who either did not want to join or those who felt that status quo was satisfactory. Those people get the same rights afterward and no one tells them they should not have them. If you use them or not is up to you. As a group we have that advantage that we can just "blend" away. We can remain unseen. If that is good enough for you then, good. But there are so many here who daily complain they cannot do something. They cannot wear the clothes (and women can how unfair!), they cannot go outside, they cannot dress as they wish, they cannot do whatever. To those, the ones who want more than what they believe they have, then get out. The world does not stop.
Think for a minute. Why does one take photos of oneself in a hotel room if they are satisfied with the status quo? Would they not just dress and then undress?

And nowhere in any of the posts in this thread did anyone say that anyone was LESS than another because they didn't go out.

And since we seem to be now going in circles, I am going to just say, Do what you want, the only person you need to please is yourself. You should try and please your spouse and children but you are the one you will live with your whole life. There are no re-rides. If you don't like how things are though, you are the one who needs to work on change. You can sit in the back of the bus and complain about the route, or you can drive the bus and go where you want to go on your own terms.

[Badtranny]

[SIZE="2"]One more thing – a shell is just a metaphor. You assume I’m in a shell that I have created for myself, but, from my vantage point, I don’t detect the presence of a shell at all – you’re TELLING me that there is something wrong with me, and, on this point, I beg to differ...
[/SIZE]

Goodness you are defensive with a capital D.

In fact I am NOT saying there is something wrong with you. Just the opposite actually, and when I used the term TG I was using it in the umbrella sense of all gender variant people. I fully understand that a good many (probably the majority) of CD's identify as men who just enjoy expressing some femininity or maybe just enjoy the clothes for whatever reason. That's great, but a LOT of these people are experiencing some soul killing guilt over this expression. You are apparently aces with your life the way it is and if so, nothing I say is of any interest to you but there is somebody standing in their bathroom right now in front of their mirror trying desperately to admit to themselves that they are cross-dressers and they are sick of being ashamed of it.

Have you been reading my whole posts because I make it pretty clear that the crux of this whole issue is self acceptance. I believe strongly (and possibly wrongly) that shame and humiliation are born from self hate. I think that acknowledging to like minded people that you enjoy cross-dressing is not the same as accepting yourself and in fact sites like this can be dangerous to the psyche because they can forestall or prevent self acceptance because they let the person believe that because they participate in forums that they have accepted who they are. The reality is quite different. There is a difference in keeping things private and keeping secrets. Everybody knows I poop, but nobody is likely to see it or hear me talk about it. It's not a secret, but it IS private.

You strike me as somebody who is fiercely independent and most likely not in need of a social acceptance. I'm very similar and I think that many of us have learned to cope with being shunned early in life by retreating into ourselves. Most people are NOT like this. Most people need other people and keeping deep dark secrets is not a healthy habit. I've also said that coming out is a very personal thing and every person will have a different methodology as well as different motivations. The ONLY thing I keep coming back to is self acceptance. I know it sounds trite, but when you really achieve it, you have a whole different idea about yourself. Purging for example doesn't just stop, it begins to seem ridiculous.

There is NOTHING wrong with cross dressing. There IS something wrong with being creepy and secretive.

[kendra_gurl]

I have read every post in this thread and cannot help but feel as if some members are "Bullies". It's not a quote but comes across as Either be like me or your of no use to us and OUR cause at all.

I am only out of the closet to my wife that I know of. This does not mean I am also not out to the thousands of people who have seen me dressed totally enfemme when we do go out togeather in public. They just don't personally know me, and I like it just that way. I do not hide in Motel rooms, I go out and strut my stuff but I refuse to be bullied into telling anyone I do not want to know of my crossdressing just to advance the cause of someone else that I don't know.


There is a lot of difference between Going out and comming out and the bullies seem to be speaking of comming out while the OP seemed to be speaking more about going out

[Leslie Langford]

Thank you, Nicole and kendra for those kind words of support.

You wouldn't believe the number of forum members who PM'ed me after my last post to also voice their support for the way I pushed back here, but for reasons best known to themselves, opted to do this behind closed doors (so to speak) rather than have their views made public. Maybe they feared starting a flame war, or perhaps they felt constrained by the forces of political correctness and didn't relish being perceived as going against the grain. Then again, maybe they just didn't want to see those posts themselves being eviscerated .

Not my place to judge, but I will say this - history has shown time and time again that when dealing with bullies, there really is no option but to stand up to them and confront them if you want them to back off. Diplomacy, polite words, and trying to appeal to their sense of reason or fair play typically gets you nowhere fast...