Please help. I don't know what to do.......

[MissyDuskGG]

[SIZE="3"] I don't know how to go about this, but here goes.

My boyfriend has a problem. He has the (strong) urge to dress and he doesn't feel comfortable with himself unless he has a tight fitting clothes on him. I don't mind him being a crossdresser. He does it once in a while to make fun of girls we know and make me laugh. It's all in good fun. But recently he hasn't been happy about his appearance. And no matter what he does, he can't be happy. Except when he dresses. I'm not sure if he wants to continue dressing or....... I want him to be happy. I don't want to see him fall apart because of these really strong urges. But at the same time, I don't wanna lose the man that I fell for.

This isn't the first time this has happened while we're dating. I'm clueless as to what to say or do to help him. He's getting depressed and I'm losing my head. Does anyone have any advice? If so, it would be greatly appreciated.[/SIZE]

[ReineD]

By tight fitting clothes, do you mean latex, or corsets and tight hose? If so, this is a popular fetish. And what do you mean he is not happy with his appearance? Does he want to have a woman's body?

Also, the CDers in this forum do not dress to make fun of girls, they dress because they want to emulate what they love, which is women and femininity. If your bf is a CDer and he is telling you it's all in good fun, he may be masking his true feelings.

If it's strictly fetish for him, I don't know what to suggest, since a fetish for women's clothing really is no different than any other type of fetish in my opinion and unless you are into the same fetish equally, it will be difficult for the two of you to get on the same page and be happy.

But the bottom line is, if he is only happy when he wears tight women's clothes (does he go out dressed this way?) and this is not in line with the life you would like to share with a bf, you need to tell him that you would like him to find a balance. The balance can only come from within him. If he is unable to put the binding clothes aside for the two of you do do other things, then you need to determine whether or not you can live with this.

Can you give us a few more details of your situation?

[Wildaboutheels]

If he is anywhere near your own age, chances are, he is pretty clueless about his "hobby". There are many folks here 3 times as "old" who still have no idea of their destination or how to get there and that's not a knock on anyone.

Since he seems unwilling or unable to discuss it further, YOU have nothing to lose by asking him to put his thoughts/feelings in writing. He doesn't sound like someone who would be embarassed about discussing the subject with you, but you never know. At this point, you have nothing to lose by asking do you?

You don't say how long you have been dating, which I think matters a great deal.

[kimdl93]

I'm also curious about the need for tight fitting clothes - maybe you could ask him to try and explain it for us. If he's unhappy with the way he looks (most of us are from time to time) maybe he needs some help to find styles work for him. And that's where you could be a big help.

And his unhappiness is pushing him into a depressed mood, I'd suggest that you and he work on changing his mindset about dressing. This should be something fun and fullfilling. As a BM who wasn't blessed with a feminine stature (I'm 6'2" and 220) I could easily get depressed if I had unrealistic expectations about my appearance. I'm never going to be pretty or petite. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy expressing this part of myself. Talk this over with your BF...maybe the attempts to "make fun of girls" was a back handed way of trying to accept that he didn't feel he looked good enough. I'm not suggesting that he needs to adopt very low expectations - but he'll be happier if he can accept realistic expectations for his appearance. (And he can get better with practice).

It seems he's going through a period of angst - you mention that it has happened before. Was there something going on in his life while you were dating that might have contributed to the concern then?

[MissyDuskGG]

Okay, I should rephrase this (it was late at night and my mind was wandering. Sorry about that.)
It has nothing to do with having a fetish of any kind. I meant to say wearing women's clothing. Most of them nowadays kinda hugs the shape of the body. (If that makes any sense) He loves cd'ing and he has fun with it. He enjoys being pretty like a woman from time to time. No joke. He doesn't and hasn't hidden his true feelings from me. He tells me straight up. When i say "makes fun of girls", i meant he pulls it off well that other girls he and i know get a little jealous. He has gone out twice while dressed. And one of them was at a Halloween party.

We've tried the balance thing. And that worked somewhat well. But now, not so much. What happened before this was that the only way to make him feel better when he was sad or depressed (he's bipolar) was to dress. Those same urges basically had control over him and he couldn't shake off. And since he's bipolar, it didn't help things at all. And now, he wants to throw it away. Saying he can't never be happy as a guy but at the same time, doesn't want to lose me. Oh! And we've been dating for 8 months but was close ever since.

I really hope that kinda clears some of the stuff

[Cassandra Lynn]

"I really hope that kinda clears some of the stuff"

Immensely.
Firstly, i hope the bipolar issues are being treated as best as possible.
I've no personal experience but have been around some who do and i know it can be bothersome to deal with.

I can't really offer much more than what works for alot of us and that is incorporating some ladies clothing into the daily drab wear. I do this most everyday, women's jeans can be purchased that aren't so obvious (plain pockets and such), i wear ladies street shoes that andro-ish too.
Then of course there is the undwerwear.

I also wear a fair amount of make-up and do the nails, all of this can be toned down to be unobtrusive.

The trick in this idea is of course, how do you feel about it?

[ReineD]

Hi again,

Yes, it clears things up quite a bit, thanks!

First, is he on bipolar meds? It is important to regulate this before determining gender ID and if he is transsexual (he says he cannot be happy as a guy), a good gender therapist will stabilize everything else in order to more effectively address the gender dysphoria.

There's no way that anyone here can give you meaningful information about your bf though, given the short description. If he feels he is not happy as a man, he does need to talk about this with a therapist.

If you read many threads here, you'll see that a lot of MtFs say that they prefer being women than men, whether this is driven by sexual motives, or a regular CDer going through a pink fog stage, or a transsexual who really does feel that she was born in the wrong body, (and everyone else in between) ... and no one other than the MtF who experiences these urges can determine where they are ultimately headed with this.

If you are asking how you can help your bf enjoy being your bf again without dressing, you can't. I mean you could try to convince him to not dress for the sake of your relationship and he might agree, but this is a short term fix since he won't be happy if he feels forced and if he's not happy, then neither will you be.

If he wants to dress all the time now and you, on the other hand need him to be happy being a guy sometimes, maybe you need to give him space so that he can figure out where he's going with this? You could certainly let him know how you feel and see how he reacts, but ultimately it is up to him. And you should definitely suggest that he start seeing a gender therapist.

... oh, and please do ask him to join this forum. If he's at all confused, being here might answer some of his questions.

[Alice of The Night]

ok iv kinda.gone through thos in the past two.years or so. if hes only happy.with his appearance when hes.dressed then hes fascinated by himself en femme. i ifhe wants to go out this way ( which i dont really) then all you can do is support him or getaway if you cant support it. not saying your wrong for doing so just saying its the only way hell be happy. may be youcan even urge him a different direction. of you are actually into his fetish then dress with him make it fun and sensual. let him dress at home whenever he likes ( thays got to be a given). i used to " joke" to my wife before i came out too. its just his excuse you have to break past that. during the day tell him to wear a corset and panties under his clothes while hes.at work or out to eat or whatever it may be. all he'll be able to think about is his underclothing. when he gets.home hell be ravenous. your really just gonna have to come up with things and ask him questions. if you cant find youself attracted you arent ment to be. but if you do and you explore his " fetish" together it could be more intense and astounding for the both of you than you may be able to imagine. it sounds to me like he just wants.to explore it fully. this can be frustrating for those of us who arent totally comfortable.

[MissyDuskGG]

:'(
He is on bipolar meds. That's for sure. And he's seeing a therapist. Although, his therapist wants my bf to see a gender therapist. The thought alone just scares us both. Uhh, I'm not sure about the nails bit but i'll suggest the make-up idea. As for the whole give him space, yeah... With his mental state, I don't even trust him to be alone. If you know what I mean. I'm talking to him now about the whole thing but he's falling apart. I know it's up to him to decide who he wants to be and for me to decide if i wanna stay with him. It's hard and neither of us can think straight. *sighs* I dont know.
Actually, my bf has been on this forum for a long time before i became a member here

[Tracii G]

I do hope you can work thru this I'm sure its hard on both of you.

[ReineD]

I'm talking to him now about the whole thing but he's falling apart. I know it's up to him to decide who he wants to be and for me to decide if i wanna stay with him. It's hard and neither of us can think straight. *sighs* I dont know.

Nothing needs to be decided right away on either side.

Just both of you breathe if you can, and take it one day at a time, if you can. In the meantime, maybe you could both post your feelings in here when stuff comes up and get to know other members. Sometimes, things get a little better when you don't feel quite so alone.

[Brenda79135]

Having dealt with my wife's bi-polar for nearly 20 years, I would suggest that maybe his meds are getting unbalanced. Did this happen within the last few months or has it been an ongoing thing since you have known him? My wife goes through seasonal changes in the fall and spring each year. Small changes in meds helps alot. We have also found that after being on a med for about 5 years, she becomes tolerant to the med and it stops working. He should follow up with a gender therapist like his regular therapist suggests. That is a good sign of a great therapist because he know his limitations and wants the best for your BF. The best way to deal with depression is not to try and make the person feel better, but to find out what is causing the depression in the first place and deal with that.

[~Seana~]

Your boyfriends therapist has it bang on. He needs to see a gender therapist. I cant imagine why this would be scary, they are there to help.

That "Not feeling comfortable in your own skin" feeling WILL NOT go away on its own and is likely to get worse. GID ( if that's what it is) can CAUSE depression and often does.If your therapist is recommending a gender therapist they have good reason to do so.

Seana

[Beverley Sims]

I agree follow your Bf's therapist's advice and see a gender therapist.

[DonniDarkness]

Missy Dusk,

First id like to say if your BF needs someone to talk to about stuff, my Yahoo messenger is always open. Sometimes it helps to talk with someone who goes thru these things as well. Gender therapists are great, but going the first time is overwhelming. Ive been there too, depressed, anxious, dysphoric.....but after seeing a GT every few months my personal perspective of myself has made strides in understanding and accepting how the WORLD percieves me.

The depression, (for me) came from guilt and shame about who i am. I learned how to cope with this stress from coping skills i have learned thru therapy. I rarely get upset with myself the way i used to before i sought help with gender dysphoria.

Best advice i could give you though: Dont push him, but ask questions. Listen. Be there for him when he is ready to talk. Do something to make him smile everday. (its the little things that spouses do for us that mean the most)

-Donni-

[MissyDuskGG]

Do something to make him smile everday. (its the little things that spouses do for us that mean the most)

The things we do together doesn't make him smile anymore. The only thing that does, is him dressing. *sighs* i saw that one coming
I suggested re-working the balance idea between both genders. He was good with until he felt that he won't be happy with himself. He even said he's not seeing a GT. I know, he's really stubborn. So at this point its either him be a girl, be happy and lose me or i get the man i want, him not being happy and possibly offing himself. It's practically no man's land here. :'(

[giuseppina]

Hello MissyDusk

I, too, have experience as a mental health patient. It sounds to me your BF needs his medications adjusted. This is important before he goes down any further. If his next appointment is more than a week in the future, it would be a good idea to schedule one on an urgent basis. Any caring and competent psychiatrist (only licensed medical doctors can prescribe in Canada) will find the time to see your BF. You may be able to get in on someone else's cancelled appointment.

It may be a good idea for your therapist to give your BF a referral to a gender therapist if he doesn't deal with gender issues him/herself. Sometimes a professional opinion reduces anxiety. It did for me in explaining why I have issues with depression and anxiety.

If your BF is thinking about harming himself or others, that is legal grounds in Canada to have him involuntarily committed to a psychiatric bed in hospital. Once again, a caring and competent psychiatrist will see your BF as soon as s/he can. Some will ask one or two non-urgent cases to rebook their appointment with an explanation to the "bumped" patient. If an emergency occurred, I would be happy to rebook, as the emergency is more important than me. I am long-term stable.

It is most certainly not my purpose to tell you or your BF what your needs are, but if you can persuade your BF to see his psychiatrist within a week about the bipolar medications needing adjustment, that would be the best thing for all concerned. Involuntary commission tends to leave hard feelings for the committed person.

Finally, this has to be hard on you, MissyDusk. It may be worthwhile seeking counselling yourself, if nothing else, to learn how to deal with your BF's mental health issues without endangering your own. There is no shame in asking for help if you find yourself thinking you can't go on as you have.

[MissyDuskGG]

Hello MissyDusk

I, too, have experience as a mental health patient. It sounds to me your BF needs his medications adjusted. This is important before he goes down any further. If his next appointment is more than a week in the future, it would be a good idea to schedule one on an urgent basis. Any caring and competent psychiatrist (only licensed medical doctors can prescribe in Canada) will find the time to see your BF. You may be able to get in on someone else's cancelled appointment.

It may be a good idea for your therapist to give your BF a referral to a gender therapist if he doesn't deal with gender issues him/herself. Sometimes a professional opinion reduces anxiety. It did for me in explaining why I have issues with depression and anxiety.

If your BF is thinking about harming himself or others, that is legal grounds in Canada to have him involuntarily committed to a psychiatric bed in hospital. Once again, a caring and competent psychiatrist will see your BF as soon as s/he can. Some will ask one or two non-urgent cases to rebook their appointment with an explanation to the "bumped" patient. If an emergency occurred, I would be happy to rebook, as the emergency is more important than me. I am long-term stable.

I know. Getting him to see a...GT, is kinda hard right now. Well, he's going to see his therapist on Tuesday. Um, my bf and i don't live in Canada O.o

[Babeba]

Welcome to the forum, MissyDuskGG!

I have a question for both you and your BF: why is seeing a gender therapist more scary than seeing a therapist?

My point of view is that a therapist is a person who you go see and talk to when you're feeling the need to talk to someone who is not biased in your life, who knows about people and how the brain works, and can help offer their knowledge to you so you can figure out what's going on. Sometimes, by putting a name on something ("bipolar disorder," "depression" etc) they can give you more information about what causes you to be a certain way, and help you be the most stable, best person you can. Sometimes they just allow you to work things out yourself.

With a Gender Therapist, they do the exact same task - giving you extra guidance and knowledge you didn't have already - except they do it with a background of knowing all the ins and outs of gender. What this feels like to me is that your boyfriend's therapist is being an awesome therapist and admitting that they don't know as much as they need to to fully help him out. So, they want your boyfriend to see someone who has experience and training to do with gender so that he has the best infomration and support no matter what the resolution of his issues to do with clothing and gender are.

Just because your boyfriend's therapist wants him to see a gender therapist doesn't mean that your boyfriend is going to turn out to be transsexual. It won't change who he is if that ends up being the case. It's just to give him (and you) the best information to move forward with.

Lots of hugs,

Babs

[docrobbysherry]

Best advice I've seen so far is that from Reine, Missy!

You're obviously confused and scared. But, the answers u seek can only come with time. The best thing u can do now is worry as little as possible and wait to see what develops for your BF and with u!

He'll figure out his dressing issues sooner or later. U may or may not be around by then. That's what happens sometimes. But, worrying about what MAY happen may ruin the time u have with him now. And, may hasten your break up!

Stop! Breathe! Enjoy your time together. It's not like you're married to him with 3 kids, rite? Just enjoy the ride. And, let whatever happens, happen!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Welcome,

It sounds like you have a lot going on. Take your time, you both have to find balance. Seeing a gender therapist, or a counselor is a big step for some people. I suffered from severe depression for years, once I got the correct meds from a licenced Dr. and learned CBT, life became a lot easier. I think of taking meds like someone who has to take insulin shots or blood pressure medication. Dressing in itself is not a condition of happiness. It may be his 'release' mecanisim for dealing with life issues. Just like any habit, it takes more and more to feel the release from tension. A therapist is a good idea, nothing he can tell a therapist is anything that they have not heard before. It's like taking a car in for a checkup. What is his reasons for not seeing a therapist ? Shame ? , Embarassment ? you can offer to go with him to the first visit. Life goes on for a crossdresser or transgendered person, like anyone else . the same number of hours in the day, what you choose to do with them is what makes life easy or hard.

best wishes

Kelly

[MissyDuskGG]

I guess the idea of seeing a GT kinda has a bad connotation with me. I'm still learning these things.

I admit that I tend to over think things and assume the worse. I do care about him very much. And I do want to see him happy with himself. I guess I wanted to push pass all of this and be done. Not thinking it over. Hell, he and i were practically pulling our hair out stressing over it. For sure I don't want to break up with him because of this.

We've decided to re-work the balance idea. I just hope it will help him be at peace with himself.

[Rhonda Ann]

This may be a repeat of someone else, I didn't read all of the post. Your bf maybe caught in the middle right now. He loves you and doesn't want to lose you, at the same time have a desire to be a CD. He is more than likely embarrassed to talk about it. The reason I say this is, when I married my second wife I was a CD. I loved her dearly and didn't want to lose her for anything. I gave up being a CD through our marriage because I didn't want chance losing her. Would she have understood? I don't know she never knew, I don't think she would. It would have been embarrassing to me to talk to her. Are you able to talk to him? Would you understand? Prepare yourself for any answer you may get, if you talk to him. If you truly love him you will support him in what he wants.

[MissyDuskGG]

We have spoke. And I understand his answers. I know he doesn't want to lose me and I don't want to lose him. I love and support him in every sense of those words. I'm trying to find a way where we both get what we want and still be happy.