So... you don't pass...so what?

[I Am Paula]

So many threads here saying 'I don't pass, I'll never be able to go out' or 'I have sideburns, I'll never be able to go out'. Stepping out in public is a descision only you can make. If you know you don't pass, due to unfortunate body shape/size, beard, muscles, anything there are options for you.

If you live in/near a major city, there will be a gay neighbourhood. Toronto's Church St., the Castro, South Beach, L.A.'s strip etc,etc. In the gay/artsy fartsy areas you'll see a sissy maid with a beard, hairy t-girls, leather men in pink wigs. In South Beach you'll get a funny look it you DON'T have a goat on a leash. Along O.C. beaches feel free to roller blade in a thong.

Also, many major centers have CD clubs, where for a small fee you can hang out in a safe environment, meet other girls, and if the mood strikes, go out en masse, to a safe area. Some clubs even have escorted tours, luncheons etc. Many of the girls there are novices, or for their own reasons, just don't pass.

Safety IS an issue, even in the most Bohemian cities. CD's that don't pass do get noticed more. Practice common sense. There's safety in numbers. Stay in the areas you ARE welcome. Do a drab recon of your destination, and decide your game plan in advance.

I know some girls are going to jump all over me, 'you can't go out unless you look like Charlize Theron', 'You're betraying the whole CD community if you don't pass'. The CD community ought to be more open minded, considering we ourselves are on the very fringe of acceptance.

Going out is your choice. If you feel that passing is the only acceptable way to venture forth, so be it. If you don't mind letting you freak flag fly, there are venues.

Food for thought, that's all-Celeste

[Jana]

Building on what Celeste is saying, passing is such an elusive term. I believe there are "levels" of passability, out of which the extreme is to be mistaken for a GG, after talking and interacting with other people. Admittedly, that is hard to pull off. However, there are other levels, too. In my opinion, the key to unlock these other levels is way simpler; it's called dressing to blend in. If you invest in age and venue appropriate clothing, a good wig, learn some decent makeup skills, and lose that horrendous male gait, I'd risk people would not give you a second look if they saw you at the mall or grocery store. Doesn't that sound exciting? I thought I'd never be able to do it, and now I regularly visit the mall undetected and undisturbed. You can, too!

[Nikki A.]

Honestly I don't think that I pass. But I have been out to all types of venues not just LGBT establishments and been treated well. To paraphrase our gay brothers & sisters " I'm out & I'm proud". If you're comfortable with yourself people not really notice or will either treat you ok, at least to your face.

[kimdl93]

Honestly, I don't think that most of us are under the illusion that one must pass, much less look like Charlize Theron to go out. (For the record I would give almost anything to look like Chalize Theron...but that's besides the point.) I think Celeste made some constructive suggestions for those who doubt their ability to blend inor just feel uncomfortable going out into the general population. We need to remember that each of us, as human beings, need the company and acceptance of others. The venues Celeste mentions can afford an opportunity for human interaction. That can mean the difference between loneliness and a happy full life.

Good one, Celeste!

[Kate Simmons]

If we constantly worry about looking like Cindy Crawford or whoever the current fashion icon is, we will never go anywhere.Even women have esteem issues along these lines, so we are in good company. The bottom line is to JDI (just do it) and have fun.

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, there are many levels to "personal passing." Internal contentment provides confidence that is such a tremendously large part of being in the public eye. Depending on what each individual is satisfied with achieving, whether it is GG recognition, standout blending, stealth blending, making it to the mailbox and back, the satisfaction of doing it is the reward. Not everyone will achieve to the same level, and no one starts out at the top of the food chain.

Likewise, if you don't want to go out, your achievements will be no less rewarding when you accomplish them. Just opening the closet door and letting some light in takes a lot of conviction.

Barbara

[Daisy41]

As brutish as this may sound, one of the reasons I am so concerned with passing is that it adds a "score" to how well I am doing what I do. Affirmation that I am doing it right. When I go hiking, I time myself to determine if I've improved. When I play video games, I try to beat my previous high score. I am personally always trying to improve everything that I do, including cross dressing. But why so concerned with it? It's how I receive value and enjoyment out of it. Also, while I do enjoy doing what I do, if I don't pass, for whatever reason, I fear I may cause unneeded uneasiness to those in my surroundings, which is what I do not want in anyway. This is obviously not everyone's concern. I think the level of passability and how much it means to each person is, well, unique to each person.

[cyndigurl45]

If we constantly worry about looking like Cindy Crawford or whoever the current fashion icon is, we will never go anywhere.Even women have esteem issues along these lines, so we are in good company. The bottom line is to JDI (just do it) and have fun.

That was my break through, once I realized I wasn't gonna be that hottie I just became me ;-) someone once said "therefore I am" so I am :-)

[Kate Simmons]

That was my break through, once I realized I wasn't gonna be that hottie I just became me ;-) someone once said "therefore I am" so I am :-)

Yep, pretty much Hon. If we never get our feet wet, we will never go in the water, swimsuit notwithstanding.

[linda allen]

I'm just trying to pass myself off as a 60+ year old woman. Even if it's an ugly one. Even if I have to do it at night.

I figure if I keep moving, nobody will get too close or too long a look and I'll be gone by the time they think of something to say.

Mostly, my concern is not embarrasing my wife.

[Kate Simmons]

Well Linda, there are no ugly women in my book, including CDing ones. Our personalities and spirits make us who we are Hon and if they are positive, we cannot lose.

[Lorileah]

If you took 100 of us who go out on a regular basis and lined us up, maybe 1 or 2 would be able to pass as female at 10 yards. If you worry about not being seen, then you will waste a lovely evening.

[stephNE]

Thank you Kate and Celeste, All good words of wisdom.
But I would be very happy if I overheard someone saying about me "...she really is an ugly woman". I have been out hundreds of times spaninng more than 25 years and have only had a couple bad experiences. The majority of the people out there really don't care. So as Kate said "JDI!"

[Heisthebride]

I don't "pass". It's pretty unlikely I'll truly be confused for a GG. I'm 6'4" before I put on my heels, I've never tried to work on vocal feminization, and I have to wear a lot of makeup to cover up my beard. For the longest time I was very afraid to step outside dressed as a female. But as time has passed I just got bored with dressing at home.

Telling someone helps a ton, just make sure they are very likely to be OK with it. Actually going out helps too. When you first started grade school it was a big daunting thing, by the time you were ready to graduate it was something you just did and didnt think about.

Ultimately it's all in your head. You think people are looking at me or judging me. Yes, they are. You do the same thing when you're not en femme. You look at the pretty girls, or the Goth kids walking down the street. You see a pair of shoes on a stranger and think those are nice, I'd like a pair like that. If you're not a fan of tattoos and see a person with a full sleeve on their arm you judge them. Not enough to confront them about it but that's ok, you don't have to like tattoos.

Some people might not like you wearing women's clothes, most people dont care. A rare few might confront you but just be smart and move on.

Don't think about passing, just put on some clothes and do it. I'm still a little scared mysf but it keeps getting easier. Yesterday I went to the movies en femme, it was delightful. They sold me a ticket, I bought a soda, the usher took my ticket and I watched the film. Just like I was going to the movies, which I was, I just happened to be in a blouse and skirt. Afterwards I stopped in at Victorias Secret and used my coupons for a free panty and $10 off a bra. The salesgirl was very friendly and helped me sign up for an Angels card. No issues at all.

Tomorrow I'm thinking of going in to see if I can get some feminine glasses frames, what better way to see how they look on me if I'm wearing my makeup and cute outfit. I have a pretty good idea that they will want to help me find a pair of glasses to buy. I'll be scared at first, but it will be that much easier the next time I venture out.

Life is short, enjoy it. If you like wearing women's clothing, the only person that can stop you is yourself.

[Daisy41]

What I wonder is what is it about no passing do we fear? If you're in a public venue doing normal day-to-day things, you'll be nothing more than a conversation piece for the person that notices you. We're taught so much not to judge people on outward appearances, and maybe this should hold especially true for us. Focusing on our presentation as genuinely decent people may outshine any outward appearance we may try to project, no matter the gender.

[kendra_gurl]

If you live in/near a major city, there will be a gay neighbourhood. Toronto's Church St., the Castro, South Beach, L.A.'s strip etc,etc. In the gay/artsy fartsy areas you'll see a sissy maid with a beard, hairy t-girls, leather men in pink wigs. In South Beach you'll get a funny look it you DON'T have a goat on a leash. Along O.C. beaches feel free to roller blade in a thong.

While what you say is true these are not the places most str8/ married crossdressers want to visit or would feel comfortable being in.

As Daisy said I like to keep score on how well I'm doing and continue to refine my look. This does not mean if one can't pass they should not go out. I've said many times most of us here can easily spot a sister.

Passing in my opinion is far less important than just being seen as someone who is at least trying to express themselves without purposely demeaning or degrading women in general.

There are lots of women in the world who are far from attractive by others standards. There is nothing wrong with being a less than attractive CD as long as you come across as doing it the best you can.

[lauren_m]

Thanks for this thread; it's empowering

[Lorileah]

Passing in my opinion is far less important than just being seen as someone who is at least trying to express themselves without purposely demeaning or degrading women in general.

That is the real issue. Don't over dress. Just look the best you can

[Gillian Gigs]

This, CD'ing, can be either a hobby, or a lifestyle. As a hobby, I think of my other hobby, model railroading. Some are only interested in running trains, others building scenery, yet others are into electronic projects, etc. Some CD'ers are into gong out, passing, others like to put on a skirt and hose while watching TV. The point is are you enjoying yourself? I am a lazy CD'er, I like the lingerie and skirt, but rarely wear make up or anything other than a comfortable guy shirt, matching the skirt (LOL). If there are rules to CD'ing, then sorry for breaking the rules.....LOL.

[Angela Campbell]

A lot of us are self concsious about going out if they do not appear as a woman instead of a man in a dress. For me it is about how I want to look. In male mode I wouldn't go out in purple pants and an ugly orange and green polka dot shirt with a red hat. I would want to look classy and well dressed in whatever manner I am seen. I go to a lot of trouble to attempt to pull off an illusion of being a woman. I will continue to work at it until I am satisfied I look good when out as a woman.

[kendra_gurl]

In male mode I wouldn't go out in purple pants and an ugly orange and green polka dot shirt with a red hat. .

EXCUSE ME!!! I feel right at home dressed this way everytime I visit Wal-Mart:

[Billiebluenose1878 GG]

Hey ... it doesnt matter wether you look like Victoria Beckham or Roseanne Barr ... just enjoy yourself .. you only live once so go n live it ...... even us Girly Girls are never happy with what we see in the dreaded mirror ... but i do say .. take me as you find me ... if you dont like what you see .. then im sorry but thats your issue ..not mine xxx

[Angela Campbell]

EXCUSE ME!!! I feel right at home dressed this way everytime I visit Wal-Mart:

OMG! There's always one.......well at Wal Mart a few....

anyway post pics!!

[Sherlyn]

Honestly for me ...I have learned just not to care ...I go in guy mode I do not care what anyone else is doing or looking at ....same applies when I'm Shering about ..use ta worry ..it does not compute anymore..lol

[Nicole Erin]

EXCUSE ME!!! I feel right at home dressed this way everytime I visit Wal-Mart:

HA! At Walmart dressed that way, if you do so in male mode, you would look like a PIMP DADDY! True swaggin M.F.'in PIMP DADDY! Dem hoes be thinkin, "HOLLA!"

To expand on what Sheryln said - yeah eventually you get tired of worrying that someone might have a negative opinion and just go for it.
This whole confidence thing may or may not help someone "pass" but it DOES cut down on the likelyhood of people giving you a hard time. Trust me, I live this every day. Well except some days cause i am too lazy to wear more than jeans and a tee. Women's of course.