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Thread: Motel/hotel rooms and the shame of crossdressing...I feel a rant coming on!

  1. #1
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Motel/hotel rooms and the shame of crossdressing...I feel a rant coming on!

    It occurs to me that so many of the photos that fellow forum members here have posted on this site were taken either in motel or in hotel rooms, based on the decor evident in the background. That just underlines again how secretive most of us still are regarding our "strange" hobby. Not just secretive, but downright ashamed, actually...

    The more I think about this, the more sad it makes me. Yeah, yeah, we know all the reasons - unknowing or unaccepting spouses or SO's, trapped in DADT relationships, don't want to screw up the kids, freak out the neighbors, relatives, or friends (or frighten the horses, for that matter), fear of confrontations with "haters", fear of embarrassment, fear of losing our jobs etc....the list goes on and on.

    And yet, beneath the "girly" clothes, most of us are still good husbands, partners, and providers, concerned and loving fathers (and grandfathers, uncles, sons, brothers etc.), valued employees, friends and confidants to others who don't know this side of us, taxpayers, pillars of our communities, moral and God-fearing individuals, and generally good citizens and net contributors to society.

    So why then do we allow this same society to do this to us and go into self-imposed exile just because we are different and don't conform to generally accepted norms? Why are some vices somehow "okay" and more easily accepted just because they are more common, but not necessarily more superior from an ethical standpoint?

    Shouldn't this type of shunning be reserved for those who truly deserve it - the pedophiles, the career criminals, the homo- and transphobes, the pimps, the drug dealers, the purveyors of child porn, the stock market wheelers and dealers who destroy companies and jobs and gut people's pension plans on the pretext of creating shareholder value, and yes - even the self-absorbed and unrepentant manipulators such as Charlie Sheen, Bill Clinton, Silvio Berlusconi etc., along with assorted other pimples on the @ss of humanity such as Paris Hilton and the Kardashians?

    Their actions are so outrageous and so "out there" that they fascinate us the way train wrecks do, and somehow we can't help ourselves but to watch them while shaking our heads. And in this way, we validate their existence rather than banishing them from our minds and letting them slip back into the obscurity which they so richly deserve.

    And yet, society often still dares to judge us transgendered folk far more harshly than these other "outliers", and often succeeds in brainwashing us into believing that we are some sort of lower form of life, and deserving of the scorn often heaped upon us.

    Far too often, we aid and abet this vicious circle by either hiding deep in the closet, or else dressing in the aforesaid motel and hotel rooms, safely hidden behind locked doors and drawn curtains lest someone spot us indulging in our "hobby" and having their fragile psyches scarred for life as a result.

    If one looks at this whole situation perfectly logically, it is total B.S., and sometimes I feel like doing what actor Peter Finch's character Howard Beale did in the 1976 movie "Network", when he went on this rant:

    "All I know is that first you've got to get mad. (shouting) You've got to say: 'I'm a human being, god-dammit! My life has value!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!..."

    So let's take a cue from our gay and lesbian fellow travellers on this sex/gender continuum, be "loud, proud, and out", come out of hiding and go forth confidently into the big bad world, see and be seen, and don't let anyone ever try to diminish us again because of who or what we are...

  2. #2
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    Leslie, you make a good point and action will only happen when others start taking that action. In the meantime, those that dress in motel rooms may not be ashamed at all, but rather know what the consequences may be if they are caught dressing. So, in their cases, judgment probably correctly overcomes pro-active action and potential unwanted and unneeded negative consequences of that action. I go out all the time, but see no justified reasons for me to come out to family and friends. I really gain very little and will definitely cause undo harm to others and probably to myself by exposing that pink elephant in the room. In other words, dressing in a motel room or keeping the secret is our way of dealing with the obstacles associated with this different hobby/lifestyle of ours. We gain what we need and do not inconvenience others, nor take a potentially very risky and unnecessary path. All in my personal opinion.

  3. #3
    The best of both worlds Kathi Lake's Avatar
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    Why do we hide? Well, your fifth paragraph pretty much sums it up. All those icky things you mentioned? Yeah. That's what they think we do. That's what they think we are. Whether due to ignorance, misinformation, or other reasons, because our condition is so unknown it gets grouped in with the less savory things in life.

    Couple that with what people see of us on exploitation shows like Jerry Springer and the like, and simple incomprehension and mistrust is blown up by the media into full-blown paranoia. I mean, which do you think would get more press; a simple crossdresser walking around in a shopping mall, or a boyfriend that just found out that his 'girlfriend' really, . . . isn't? Yes, you and I know the huge gulf between these two people, but John Q. Public? Nope. We are lumped together because to them we're both men in dresses.

    As for the "loud and proud" aspect? Remember - we're all different people. We all have different ideas on how we present ourselves. From people like me who dress boring enough to make a librarian yawn, to those that wear a belly shirt (with matching beer belly), a miniskirt, fishnets, and five-inch stilettos - to the grocery store - we all affect the public differently. Now, I'm not saying everyone should dress like me, but some do 'feed the stereotype' so to speak.

    So, do we fix this with; "I am woman (sort of), hear me roar" displays? Dunno. I do know that some people are moved by those spectacles, while some are turned off by it. All I know is that I try to always leave a positive impression when I go out. To me, that's the best we can do.

    Kathi
    Last edited by Kathi Lake; 11-01-2012 at 05:17 PM. Reason: Mmmmmmmmm! Commas . . .

  4. #4
    Member Robinkay's Avatar
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    I Love the Quote...... 'I'm As Mad As Hell, And I'm Not Going To Take This Anymore!..."

    I really wish it was that easy.....
    [SIZE="3"] Robin[/SIZE]

  5. #5
    happy to be her Sarah Doepner's Avatar
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    I can't find much here to disagree with Leslie. There is a tendency for each of us to find the way we face this as individuals but to have any kind of impact in the long run we will have to team up. It's a big step to move from shame to acceptance to advocacy. Occasionally we each should take inventory of our fears, hopes, talents and opportunities to improve our world. Stirring up the masses is a good reminder that we share more than what we see here on this site. There is a big world out there and we have the opportunity to make it a bit more like this little electronic one if we want to give it a shot.

    Now if we could just find a major, well respected network anchor to start talking about his journey and take up the fight. . . .
    Last edited by Sarah Doepner; 11-01-2012 at 05:23 PM.
    Sarah
    Being transgender isn't a lifestyle choice. How you deal with it is.

  6. #6
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah Charles View Post
    ...Now if we could just find a major, well respected network anchor to start talking about his journey and take up the fight. . . .
    Exactly. A TG version of Anderson Cooper or sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage, perhaps.

    Then again, we've already heard from Chaz Bono, who not only wrote a book about his life journey so far, but also gave an especially good account of himself on "Dancing With the Stars." A very positive role model, indeed.

  7. #7
    The Girl will Out! Kaz's Avatar
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    The trouble is, Leslie, that we all want the 'anchor' to be there, but none of us want to be him/her? I often find myself thinking that I should be more 'out there'... but then the cr*p of life invades and I tunnel into my 'zone'... The trouble is that I do not really know if I do want to be 'out there'? Being closeted isn't as bad as it sounds!
    Kaz xx

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  8. #8
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    I don’t think that we can judge or criticize anybody for making the decision to not be out. That would be no better than the people that judge those of us that are out and about. The best that we can do is to make the best decisions that we can and live with the consequences.

    Those of us that are out should encourage and support those that are willing to take those steps. I might encourage those of us that are out to be less absorbed with ourselves and to be more active in activities that will have a positive effect on society’s perception of the crossdressing community. This might include anything from talking to an LGBT group or psychology class at a local community college to serving dinner to the homeless. In this way we can help to make it easier for those that are still in the closet to be out.
    Grace,
    Bobbi

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  9. #9
    New Member Kora's Avatar
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    I don't go to hotels to hide, instead I go to a different area in town where I'm likely to not be recognized. I will and do walk around in 4" knee high boots, tights, a tight dress, bra, wig, and my beard outside and in the common areas! My SO has no problem with me dressing and we usually get a suite or a room with plenty of room to roam.

    At night I like to open the curtains and walk around/show off a little I guess. I think that's why I don't feel like it's hiding because I will go walk around with the people at or near the hotel. I feel like I'm showing off more and saying, "look at me, yes I'm a man in a dress and heels and I have better legs than your woman!" I've never considered it hiding myself, instead it's a way to dress up more openly, we live with another person that doesn't know I CD so getting away from home feels more open, yeah it's odd and so am I.

  10. #10
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Cannot disagree with anything that Leslie said about our situation. However, the gay/lesbian situation was not brought into the mainstream by the loud proud shouting expositons, IMHO. It was brought into mainstream reality by kind thoughtful caring gays and lesbians going about their daily life in the best exemplary manner, showing all that they really are good citizens, and great people in their own right. Sure, every once in a while a good shout out is cathartic for the soul, but it does not sway public opinion.

    Now, it is much more difficult for us, because as we go through our daily life being good fathers, husbands, citizens, the public really has no way of knowing, so it is harder to change their perceptions. Catch 22 at work. This will be slow, but we all just need to be the best person we can be at all times and hope to catch some individuals eye and make a good impression.

    Barbara
    He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
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    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  11. #11
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    I don't mean to be rude, but, if if it is taken as such, then, oh well. Your list of people who you wish to put on the shun list is fairly encompassing. Your analysis is no different than a lot of people I know who wish to shun gays, lesbians and all shades of transgendered peoples.

  12. #12
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    The answer to your question is maddenly simply, Leslie. I try to explain it to my teen daughter quite often.

    "Life is not fair!"
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  13. #13
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leslie Langford View Post
    Exactly. A TG version of Anderson Cooper or sex and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage, perhaps.
    Wow how's this for timing???Eden lane

    India has a TS host also.

    The thing is that in most cases the CD here can put it away and not have to show it, If you are Gay or Lesbian you cannot just shut it off. So they had a huge investment. When you are told you cannot love someone it is far bigger than telling someone they cannot wear panties. To put it more simply, most here could not care less less, they just like the thrill (Like today's post about biking underdressed and then "forgetting" they were underdressed...that just says to me that it is the thrill NOT the clothing, otherwise why would you even care about your underwear to start with?).

    How many times must we say "It is only clothing"? and then have someone state how "girly" they feel, or how shaving your legs is "feminine"? Really? Why is it feminine? You can say "I like the feel of smooth skin". But no, some have to make it sexual.

    But we preach to the choir here. So many fear the loss of something that it is just easier to get your fix (wow there that makes it soooo much better because a GG who reads that will say..."See...you do it for a thrill"). But it is true. If it were suddenly not a stigmatized action, 90% here would go find a new "hobby".

    Why is dressing in a hotel better than meeting a woman (or man) in a hotel? Don't we make that an action that asks to be scrutinized? (OP's point except I don't see the same people she mentions as all bad people...really the Ex-president of the US???).

    The point is as log as the mice can hide and feel safe when the lights are turned on, they will continue to sneak out when the cat is busy elsewhere. Of course those are the same mice who scream about how their SO is SO unaccepting because they were sneaking behind the SO's back for 10-20-30- years. A lie is a lie, sneaking is sneaking, hiding is hiding.

    edit, since Leslie has to bring up morals...lets not forget that some of the greatest people in the world had affairs...even Canadian PM's. I get the point, cheating is cheating but c'mon You going to paint JFK with that brush?
    Last edited by Lorileah; 11-02-2012 at 12:22 AM.
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  14. #14
    Member Matia's Avatar
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    I think it is about discrimination, in this case, judging people by the way they dress. It is sexual yes, and you can't just put it away, this argument is like saying that gay man may choose not to kiss other man. It is ofc more complicated than that but the point is , we would like to have similar understanding (the tg community) as our gay friends. It shouldn't matter what we wear, it should matter what kind of people we are and how we act in public. I see that Leslie tries to point out, that we make it difficult for ourselves. I am not a revolutionair but if suddenly all cds were going out dressed when they wish to, society would have many more inputs and they would understand us better. If we leave it to the drag queens and Jerry Springer how are they to blame if its millions of us (globally) in closet? Lets face it, in most cases it is about man pride, however its denied or sugarcoated we dont want to be called gay or feel any judgment or shame. It feels like the "feminine" world here is often very distorded, full of cliche that might make GG angry or laugh. If we went public just like that we would need to face reality more, and not everyone is ready. Are we afraid to be judged by clothes ? Now welcome to woman's world ! I realised that its actually my crossdressing that may open up doors for my gfs - girls rarely can wear whatever they like without being judged. In the end i'll say it again, if we want more freedom we need confidence, present ourselves in a way we are happy with and be good people, then the storm will come, yes, but it always does as the seasons change

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    Remember, at least in some cases those photos taken in hotel rooms are taken while the people in them are at a trans conference (good idea to take a picture while the makeup and hair are fresh etc.) It doesn't necessarily mean they are totally closeted.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Jenny Gurl's Avatar
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    Just trying to clear up the homo comment, I think she was trying to abbreviate homophobic people with the transphobes with the hyphen. She wasn't linking homosexual people with those other descriptions.

    Quote "the homo- and transphobes"

    Also while not all crossdressers travel in their careers, many do. Taking hotel photo's may just be an evening unwinding after a day at work away from home.
    Last edited by Jenny Gurl; 11-02-2012 at 06:10 AM.

  17. #17
    Member Carlene's Avatar
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    Nicely said, a well thought out rant........

  18. #18
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    I am sure the people in the hotel I stay in know something about me. I stay in the same hotel at least 3 to 4 nights a week in Miami. I often leave signs of what has gone on. When they come to clean the room they might see my wig hanging on the shower head as it dries, all my makeup on the counter and maybe even some clothes laying around along with several pair of shoes. They know a man is checked into the room. In placed like this I know people talk so I wonder as I check in if they know about me as we chat. Maybe some day I will surprise them with an appearance by Ellen.

  19. #19
    Silver Member Angela Campbell's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leslie Langford View Post
    he wasn't a crossdresser, so at least he had some redeeming features that the general public could relate to...
    How do you know he wasn't a crossdresser?

  20. #20
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    I would love nothing better to do than to get out there and say "I'm not going to take it anymore!"

    I would like to go in a CD parade and be the Grand Mashal for us and wave a sign that says, "we shall overcome." If it was that easy to do I would be all over it.
    If I didn't have my life carved out the way it is then I would be out there in the public eye a heck of a lot more than I am.

  21. #21
    Gold Member NicoleScott's Avatar
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    Another "I'm out, and I want you to be out, too, because it helps ME" thread.

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleScott View Post
    Another "I'm out, and I want you to be out, too, because it helps ME" thread.
    Good point. The more folks that are out the more that we can help each other advance the cause like our gay brothers and sisters.
    You will become stronger in the ways of the Pink Fog. May the Pink Fog guide you and be with you now and forever.

  23. #23
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
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    When your ready to tell you grandma, and mother and father, as well as your boss, then come give me a lecture, As for judging others, I've always believed a cheating husband is between a man and his wife, or a wife and her husband depending on who's cheating, and none of mine. Oh and that impeachment was a partisan thing if you stop and think about it, started by guys like Newt that was busy cheating on his wife. It all sounds very judgmental for someone that doesn't want to be judged.
    I stood up and shouted against segregation, and I stood and shouted against an evil war and now I'm old and tired, if you don't mind I'll sit this one out.
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member MsRenee's Avatar
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    When they are ready to move from the safe confines to the outside they will. I think most are afraid of what the unknowns will say about how they look. Society will always judge us from what they have heard or read about us. Without getting to know us they will truely never fullyunderstand why we do what we do.Always wishing one day the news would do a true story about us girls.
    Renee

  25. #25
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    I don't disagree that society has been less accepting of transgenderism than we wish. But my thought in reading your post was that those of us who feel ashamed, guilty or frightened of stepping,out of our closet or hotel room are to a degree accepting, aiding and abetting those in society (whatever that means) that would prefer we stay hidden.

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