I'm a Failure

[AnneB1nderful]

Now visiting with family. Love being with them. However, some of them commented about the change in my appearance. They're used to seeing me with facial hair and a little heavier looking. They said I looked so young. Told them I shaved my beard off to be Clark Kent for Halloween event. When one of the younger ladies commented on how young I looked and that I was "The Hot Grandpa", I decided to stay clean shaven. I also talked about how I'm working out and losing body fat and toning my muscles. Both statements very true. But, there's more to it now.

About 15 months ago, I decided to permanently hang up my stockings (why is a story for another day). At that time, I told almost everyone in my family about my CDing to help hold me accountable. Up to now, temptations were successfully squelched and many times I would contact family members for both accountability and encouragement. I've failed.

Well, losing weight and keeping facial hair off, not only makes me look younger, but also more feminine (other than being 6'4). I've got naturally wider hips than most and my upper body is a little smaller than most men of my stature. On top of that, I've been waist training for a week, and lost 1 inch already. I've never taken such grand steps towards feminization so quickly. I think they also see a new, honest joy emanating from me. I'm trying to exude masculinity to compensate, but I think I'm failing.

I want to tell two of my daughters (29 and 26 years old). I have utmost confidence they can keep it to themselves. The only thing holding me back is the disappointment. They are very supportive. They said they would love and support me if I went the other way. They just want me to be happy. But, I was insisting on never CDing again. What will they think of me? I'm a failure.

I'm open for advice.

Anne B.

[Shelly Preston]

I would suggest they will think you did what you thought was right at that time.

I imagine they will support you no matter what choices you happen to make.

[shellie marie]

im sure your children will love and support you no matter which way you decide is best for you ,trust in them

[GeminaRenee]

Perhaps your failure lay in your decision to set an improbable (more likely impossible) goal - to put your CD'ing behind you.

There are just certain things that make you who you are - things that are very much an integral component of the fabric of your being. Everything I've experienced in my life, and all the anecdotal evidence I've seen on this board, seems to indicate that our trans-leanings fall wholly into this category. No matter how hard you try, you can't decide to simple fit a round peg into a square hole from now on.

It was a mistake to try and live up to expectations that you were never capable of fulfilling. And if members of your family are accepting, why would you try to set this unattainable standard for yourself at all? You're only going to hurt yourself in the end.

Still, this is a pretty minor 'failure' on your part. Now you know something about yourself that you didn't know before - so you can move on with your life, and live it in the way that works for you. Luckily, there are always positives!

[Ann Thomas]

Anne,
First of all, you're not a failure! You (and me and many others) are not dealing with an illegal, immoral, or evil part of yourself. Crossdressing is not wrong! So, that said, you're only a failure to your prior promise. That promise was made when you were younger than you are now, and you had no idea what the future would hold for you. You still don't! And I'm talking about it from a biological perspective.

For me, and for my father, and for my son, we have no choice. When my father was dying of colon cancer in a hospital, I went to his house and began the long process of cleaning it. Immediately I found he was a crossdresser, as I have been struggling with it all my life. I thought I was alone, an outcast, a pervert, an immoral person, unacceptable by God, my community, my wife and my family, because of it. I went to my dad and gently brought up the subject with him. But I started out by telling him I was too. He laughed about it for quite some time, then ended up telling me his story in a nutshell, as that was all the time and energy he had left. He had hidden it all his life, and thought my brother and I would reject him over it. At least he went to his grave knowing that his most deeply hidden secret, once revealed, brought acceptance to him.

Seven years later, my son had just turned 18. I had been divorced from his mother at about the same time my father passed away. I chose that point to share with him about myself and my father, suspecting it was genetic, and wanting to make sure he sought relationships that would be supportive of him having a father and grandfather that were both crossdressers. (This was about 5 years ago now, and at that time I was only dressing in private, and had no idea what my biological clock had in mind for me.) I shared with him about first my father, to which my son was shocked, as he had always seen him in such a masculine light (active in many types of shooting clubs, and had walls of trophies to prove it.) I then shared with him about myself, not knowing how he would take the news. For a moment he sat transfixed - just staring at me. Naturally I thought it was shock, but it of a different kind. Now it was his turn. He confessed to me that he was being drawn that way too, having been crossdressing off and on since he was little.

So here we are, three confirmed generations of crossdressers in one family. What happens to us is that we dabble in it when young, and it gets intense during our youth, then it is pushed away. We try to hide it, suppress it, and so on, in order to gain acceptance. For me I dove deep into church life, studying the bible cover to cover, debating it, active in all kinds of church activities, and very aggressively, too. For my father and my son, they both went into the Army National Guard. The next step is once we get into our 30's and 40's, the feelings deepen and become more acute.

If we don't dress, we become more angry and bitter with the world. We withdraw, we think there's something wrong with us. We obsess over crossdressing. We hate life to some degrees, love it from others. Dressing female alleviates those feelings, and we feel more normal, and can function without distraction. The only way to deal with it, in my opinion, is to embrace it, which it what I have done. I do not want sexual reassignment surgery, nor facial feminization surgery, but I have chosen to grow breasts, which I am doing through herbal means. (I have had training in natural medicine, studied medical aromatherapy in France, etc.)

So for now, I'm a crossdresser that dresses full time (or nearly so), and is not passable, but try to look my best.

Anyhow, since you are local to me, I would like to get together with you and share my story more in depth, if that might help. Tonight is a support group meeting in Costa Mesa, which would be a good place to meet, if you're up to it. Come dressed any way you choose, and feel free to change clothes there in the restrooms if you need to. We're flexible. We're a loving, caring, supportive group, from a really wide variety of backgrounds and perspectives on this whole thing about gender expression. See my posts in the Upcoming Events forum or take a look at oc-girls.org. We're also on Facebook.

I do hope the very best for you!

Hugs,
Ann

[ClosetED]

I understand that Honor is at stake - you gave your word to quit. But to whom and why is very important, which you will reveal when you are ready. As with many things, slow and easy may be best. You can still work on other aspects of your feminine side without wearing the clothes. If you feel it is dishonorable to wear a woman's waist cincher, get a man's. Wear tuxedo socks. If it makes you happy and your loved ones happy, then promises to your family are best served by doing what makes you happy. If the promise was made to honor a person now dead, a respectful period is honorable, but then life is for the living. This group is very willing to listen and will likely offer several opinions. You then decide which is right for you.

[Meghan]

I want to tell two of my daughters (29 and 26 years old). I have utmost confidence they can keep it to themselves. The only thing holding me back is the disappointment. They are very supportive. They said they would love and support me if I went the other way. They just want me to be happy. But, I was insisting on never CDing again. What will they think of me? I'm a failure.

What did you fail at, exactly?

Your basically made a promise that you wanted to make but could not keep. CD'ing seems to pick people, and you most certainly didn't choose to be this way.

If you look at what's happened, objectively, it's hard to argue you were in a better place when you made that decision. You've lost weight, your family is impressed with how much better you look and act and you are in much better physical and mental shape.

At some level they already know, probably.

Again, I think it's fair to say you're not a failure. If you expected to have this go away because you wanted it to, you made a judgement error. And if by chance you do happen to find a productive and healthy way to end this transitive condition, you stand to make a lot of money from half of the people who post here.

On the other hand, you will have to deal with disappointed administrators who will have to deal with diminished site traffic

Hang in there Anne, if this were easy everyone would be doing it!

Meghan

[justmetoo]

I don't have much to add except my agreement with the others. Be true to yourself and be happy, and your supportive and loving family members will be happy for you.

[newfem]

The failure to pursue one's desires is a much larger failure than the failure to suppress them, so stop failing yourself by ceasing dressing and live life as you want it.

[Beth Wilde]

CD'ing is more than a hobby or something you do for a laugh. It tends to be deeply ingrained in the psyche and is very very hard to ignore. 15 months is therefore a VERY impressive achievement and about 14 1/2 months more than I have ever managed! There are so very many worse things you could be doing so it's best to accept that you enjoy it and carry on doing it! You may be a lot of things, we all are, but you are NOT a failure!!

[Jana]

Anne... I'm not sure I get it... why are you a failure? What have you failed at?

[Mollyanne]

I really don't understand as to what you failed at. Are you saying that you failed yourself for something that you thought was attainable but wasn't?????? Did you say you failed your family and/or friend(s)?????? Actually YOU DID NOT FAIL but came to realize that you did do something positive in that you told the people that you "were" a cd'er, the sky didn't fail you, the gender police didn't come for you but deep down inside of you you were at peace.

Molly

[Barbara Ella]

Excellent discussions here, and one common thread, which I will attempt to add some thoughts to, to maybe spark an idea. What was your promise, really? IMHO it was really an expression that you wished to find a peaceful existence within yourself, and at that time you felt is was by not crossdressing. I believe your goal was not to simply stop your dressing, so take a deep long look at your thoughts at that time, and at them now. The road to achieving a goal is never straight. there are obstacles on your journey that require adjustments, not failures as long as you are progressing toward the ultimate goal. I believe you are making progress, and I truly hope you are more peaceful dressing. The fact that one element of your path had to change is not a failure and should not weigh heavy on your well being.

Barbara

[Lady Catherine]

I have to agree with what most have said here. You are not a failure. Nor, do i think your children feel that way about you. Live free, my friend.

[AnneB1nderful]

Thanks so much for everyone responding. I'm so touched that y'all are concerned and expressed such thoughtful responses. For now I have to forget my worries and enjoy being with my family. If there's an opportunity to talk to my daughters, I will.

Love You ALL,
Anne

[Cynthia Anne]

I don't think it makes you a failure being your true self! Denying yourself of happiness would result in failure!

[Eryn]

I'm pretty sure that your family wants you to be happy. The question is, were you as happy when you were not dressing? Are you happier now that you are dressing again and the side effects (weight loss, smooth skin, etc.) are making you a better man as well? I know that I was far from unhappy when co-workers commented on how much younger I looked after I lost the mustache and 20 pounds!

My wife has stated that she'd rather be married to a happy crossdresser than to a depressed non-crossdresser. I have a feeling that your family would think the same, regardless of whether they actually see you dressed or not.

[Tina B.]

Your only failure is not being able to be something you where never meant to be. It would be different if you only did it for kicks, but like most of us you sound like it comes from deep within you, something that can only lead to pain if ignored. I doubt your daughters would want you to suffer that kind of pain, just to please others. maybe if you failed at anything, it was making others understand this is just part of what makes you, you.
Stop beating yourself up, and talk to your girls, I think they will go on loving and respecting their father. They already know you have been a CD, and they didn't stop loving you, and they have already said they would love you no matter what.

[JennyLynn]

Anne, what's you is you. Your children have already signalled their support for you. Trust them and trust yourself.Communication is key. Talk more with them in a comfortable environment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Angela Campbell]

You can always think about it this way. You made a decision to hang up your stockings. You have not done so. Yes you failed at the endevor but that does not make you a failure. In fact you must fail at some things in order to learn. No one who is successful has avoided failing in attempts to acheive a goal just to find the goal was the wrong one. It seems you just picked the wrong goal. Sometimes it is a good thing to set new goals and find success there. Sometimes one door must close before another one opens.

[ArleneRaquel]

Hon,
You are a great person, don't let one setback discourage you. You have many friends here.

[Launa]

You're not a failure, I think your a good person. Your family will always love you.
CDing is a big journey that we are all on and its one journey that we sometimes have to do alone. I have a supportive SO but I feel I'm still by myself a lot of times.
I have decided to CD for the rest of my life, I will never purge or supress it again although I need to be respectful of my wife's feelings. We are not failures, its society that doesn't understand what we go through.

[Angie G]

I believe your Daughters will still love you. And how would you have failed. Your not a bad guy here. Do what you feel is the right thing for you Anne you must be happy for your loved one too be happy hun.
Angie

[Leah Lynn]

I have to agree with the concensus here. You cannot Achieve a goal that is impossible. You could go the rest of your life supressing the desire, but you will suffer. I know, I tried to deny it for years, and I was the most miserable s.o.b. alive. When I finally started dressing again (privately at first), I was a changed person. All attitudes changed and I was a happy person. My marriage was ressurected and my kids liked me again. Be true to yourself, and others will believe in you.

[Rhonda Ann]

Your not a failure, I to tried hanging it up saying "I'll never do it again." CDing isn't a habit to be broken, or a past time to give up. To me it's a passion and a desire. I just love womens clothing better than mens. Don't think of yourself as a failure that's really harsh on yourself.

If your children supported you before they'll support you again. You did say that they just want you to be happy, I'm sure they still do.