too much for me, I quit

[Kaz]

The cure? Each person in this forum should take it to their own natural limits, if they either live alone or they are fortunate enough to have supportive spouses. And eventually there will be an end point, a plateau so to speak that is different for everyone. And when this is reached, I think that certain things that used to be hugely important when it seemed as if the goal was out of reach, will lose their importance and things will come full circle (with a twist), become integrated, and just all fall into place.

I am with Reine on this I think... why should there be a 'cure'...to what exactly? This assumes that there is something wrong that needs curing. For me the 'cure' will come when I am truly happy in myself. Not sure that I will ever get there as that is in my nature... I question too much so will never have the definitive answer, nor the cure...

In all aspects of life there are no right answers... but there are wrong answers... but then we need to understand the questions - both of others and the ones we ask ourselves.

Quitting? Yeah it is a choice. For many it doesn't work, but for those it does work for, of course we never hear from them again. What we need is an ex-CD to come back here and say... it has been 10 years and I don't miss it! But they won't... because they don't need to.

And so to the scientists and engineers... My first degree and job was in science - microbiology... I like to think that I have never lost that approach, even though I now work in social sciences (very different but with similar problems regarding evidence and causality (or 'proof'))...

So evidence is always good in a constructive argument, and if we can't provide that, a well reasoned narrative is a pretty good alternative!

And to those of us who believe we can't put a sentence together (yeah I am there at times! )

[Foxglove]

OK, famousunknown is in situation where crossdressing is causing problems and has decided that it's better to quit dressing than deal with the problems.

Why can we not support this decision? Isn't that at least part of what crossdressers.com is about, supporting each other?

What purpose does it serve to make fun of the decision, to say it's too difficult, or claim that that nobody has ever quit crossdressing?

What people are trying to do here, Linda--although I believe that some could be more diplomatic about it--is impress upon Famousunknown exactly what he/she is undertaking. Giving up CDing is not like kicking a nasty habit such as smoking or drinking, as you constantly assert. CDing is one manifestation of what we are. We are trans. Give up CDing if you can, if you like, you're still trans. Give up CDing, you're giving up one set of problems for another. It's up to you to choose which is better for you personally, but it's very important to be aware that your problems won't disappear, you won't cease to be trans, simply because you give up CDing.

The problem with your advice, Linda, is that it's very simplistic--so simplistic as to ignore the nature of the problem. Unlike smoking and drinking, CDing, as a manifestation of our nature, is an intrinsic part of what we are. We cannot give that up. Smoking and drinking are unhealthy things, and there's no harm in giving them up. Giving up CDing could on the other hand potentially be unhealthy if in doing so you're trying to totally repress what you are.

Equating CDing with smoking and drinking, as you often do, trivializes transpeople and their experience in life. It's also insulting insofar as you're comparing our nature to a filthy addiction that we'd be better off giving up. This is the sort of thing that transphobes do, and I find it odd coming from one who's trans herself.

But you might consider also the possible result of the advice you give. I don't know anything about Famousunknown's circumstances. But suppose you gave this advice to some young person who was considering marrying a woman who he knew was opposed to CDing. Would you say, "You can give it up if you want to?" Lots of us have been there, done that. We know what that will lead to. Give it up, get married. And what's going to happen a few years later?

Clothes don't make the man and they don't make the woman. We are the same inside regardless of what we are wearing.

Precisely. Give up CDing, you're still trans.

Rather than try to ignore what we are, we need to find out what we are. For some, it's possible that CDing is something they do only on rare occasions, and perhaps they can give it up altogether without too much of a wrench. I've never seen anybody say that on this forum--but we assume those people must exist because when they give it up they withdraw from this forum. That is, we assume they exist because we don't have any evidence that they do.

Other people need to dress more frequently, some need it quite frequently, some are happier doing it all the time. Each person finds their own level. People need to come to terms with themselves and discover what will make them happy.

But ignoring the problem isn't going to help. Some of us tried to do that for a long time and in the end we learned that it simply doesn't help matters.

So if you want to tell people, "You can give it up if you want to," go ahead. But you might also tell them, "But don't think that's going to be the end of your problems. In fact, the chances are good you'll only be exacerbating your problems." If you're only giving people half the story, you can be seriously misleading them.

And Linda, one thing I'm curious about: why are you always so pleased to advise people to do something you haven't done yourself? And given that you haven't done it yourself, how exactly do you know what the consequences are?

Annabelle

[ReineD]

Has anyone ever wondered where are all the members who used to actively participate here but who have disappeared? There have been thousands. Have they found other forums to participate in? Have they transitioned and are now stealth? Have their wives accepted their need to dress and have they found ways to dress happily on a regular basis so they no longer need support? Are they out and accepted by their families, friends, and co-workers?

I think there are indeed many people who have stopped, for a variety of reasons.

[Julogden]

You may be able to quit dressing, for a while anyway, but you can't quit being who/what you are inside which is where the dressing comes from. I'd urge you to just box up all the clothes, etc. and store them, don't get rid of them, as chances are that you'll change your mind at some point and probably not too far down the road. Just take a break for a while and see how things go.

Good luck!

Has anyone ever wondered where are all the members who used to actively participate here but who have disappeared? There have been thousands. Have they found other forums to participate in? Have they transitioned and are now stealth? Have their wives accepted their need to dress and have they found ways to dress happily on a regular basis so they no longer need support? Are they out and accepted by their families, friends, and co-workers?

I think there are indeed many people who have stopped, for a variety of reasons.

I'd guarantee that the vast majority are still dressing, to one degree or another. I'd also pretty much guarantee that very few have stopped for a significant amount of time, and very, very few that quit for good, if any.

Carol

[Jane P]

I still think that it is possible for someone to quit if that was something that becomes necessary to do . Looking back to when I first joined this forum , I found this post :

As far as the question goes. I would not say that I am actively trying to quit. I am actively trying to understand what it is that makes me have these desires and I am actively trying to keep these urges under control. I am finding the diversity of experience among the forums membership quite helpful in this regard. For so many it is about so much more than just clothes and I can't imagine the turmoil that they have gone through in their lives.


A year or so ago I wrote that I was trying to abstain from dressing and found it possible , but still the thoughts behind having this "desire" did not go away. So today I am still trying to understand it , I am no longer actively trying to abstain and have started to take the attitude of "if you are going to do this , maybe you should try to do it well."

If any person truly wants to change something that they don't like about themselves
they should try . You need to be happy with yourself for making this change or the change won't last.

[ReineD]

I'd guarantee that the vast majority are still dressing, to one degree or another. I'd also pretty much guarantee that very few have stopped for a significant amount of time, and very, very few that quit for good, if any.

It's hard to say, although I think that both may be true. I agree, the members who dressed for identity reasons likely are still dressing. But, the members for whom this was a kink or a thrill might have stopped or it diminished considerably. We have a lot of members who log in but who do not participate. I think there are only a few hundred members who put their thoughts and feelings out in the threads, compared to the other current 5,000 or 6,000 members who log in but only to read, or perhaps look at the Gallery pics. So, I've got to believe that for many CDers, the motives for dressing has nothing to do with a need to express an alternate gender identity, especially when you consider the wealth of sex and porn focused other sites out there.

[DebbieL]

It took me many years to come out, my wife was the only person who had seen me dressed between 7 and 25. I didn't start going out in public until I was 34. When I was 40, I was offered a leadership program and the opportunity to be a public leader and speaker, but I had to give up dressing. I tried for 6 months, but in that 6 months I gained over 50 lbs, and I started having other physical and emotional problems. I eventually went back to dressing, but I had gained so much weight I didn't like going out anymore. Eventually, I topped out at 325 lbs, and realized that I had to start dressing on a more regular basis if I wanted to get back my health and my effectiveness.

When I don't dress pretty regularly, my health, my performance at work, my marital relationships, and my mental health suffers. I gain wait, can't sleep, get moody, get sloppy, get lethargic, and get sleepy in the middle of the day. When I do dress regularly, the good stuff comes back and I feel more confident, happy, enthusiastic, and my health improves, I exercise more, eat better, and lose weight.

On a few occasions, the side effects of quitting have become nearly fatal, including a heart attack and a stroke. This is one of the reasons I asked the OP to watch for any indication that life is being altered in a bad way by NOT dressing.

A Transvestite can take it or leave it, it's mostly for pleasure anyway. A CD, TG, or TS dresses because it addresses a need of their personality, and trying to "Go Butch" can lead to problems ranging from mild irritability and a short temper to suicidal activities, even actual suicides.

[linda allen]

What people are trying to do here, Linda--although I believe that some could be more diplomatic about it--is impress upon Famousunknown exactly what he/she is undertaking. Giving up CDing is not like kicking a nasty habit such as smoking or drinking, as you constantly assert. ..............................
Annabelle

Annabelle, I wish you would think about what I post, not just think about what you are going to write in your reply.

My points:

Not everyone who ever straps on a bra or slips into a pair of panties is "trans".

A true female or even a "trans" person does not need to wear a skirt or heels to feel female.

Men who have stopped dressing as women are unlikely to join a crossdressing forum just to tell others about their status.

Just as we support a member who wants or needs to dress, we should support a member who wants or needs to stop.

That's about as simply as I can put it.

..................When I don't dress pretty regularly, my health, my performance at work, my marital relationships, and my mental health suffers. I gain wait, can't sleep, get moody, get sloppy, get lethargic, and get sleepy in the middle of the day. When I do dress regularly, the good stuff comes back and I feel more confident, happy, enthusiastic, and my health improves, I exercise more, eat better, and lose weight.

On a few occasions, the side effects of quitting have become nearly fatal, including a heart attack and a stroke. This is one of the reasons I asked the OP to watch for any indication that life is being altered in a bad way by NOT dressing..

Debbie, If not crossdressing causes you such serious health problems, I believe you need help from a real live professional, not a web forum. I hope you get it.

[Foxglove]

Annabelle, I wish you would think about what I post, not just think about what you are going to write in your reply.

Dear Linda, are we going to start getting rude with each other now? Just because I disagree with what you've said doesn't mean I haven't read your post. What it means is I actually have read your post and disagree with it. It is possible for people to disagree with you, you know, and perhaps even to have good reason for disagreeing with you.

My points:

Not everyone who ever straps on a bra or slips into a pair of panties is "trans".

On the contrary, they are trans, if trans is being used as an umbrella term, which it often is, to include all of us here. That's the sense I generally use it in myself.

A true female or even a "trans" person does not need to wear a skirt or heels to feel female.

That may well be so, but what's that got to do with this issue? We're talking about someone saying they're giving up CDing. Regardless of how Famousunknown feels about, he/she says he/she's giving it up.

Men who have stopped dressing as women are unlikely to join a crossdressing forum just to tell others about their status.

Yes, I know, Linda. This is at least the third time this point has been raised on this thread, and it's meaningless. For this reason: assuming there are such people, we have no way of knowing how many of them there are, precisely because they're not here to tell us about themselves. It could be nobody, it could be one person, it could be 100, it could be a million. It could be significant numbers of people or it could be next to nobody. You're trying to suggest that significant numbers of people quit, when you have no way of knowing that. You cannot draw conclusions when you have absolutely no evidence to support them.

Just as we support a member who wants or needs to dress, we should support a member who wants or needs to stop.

If Famousunknown wants to quit, I have no problem with that. It's everybody's choice. But it's not a bad thing for people to know that if they can't quit because their need to dress is such a big part of them, there's no shame in giving up the idea of quitting.

But you still haven't answered the questions I asked above: why do you advise people to do something you haven't done yourself? And since you haven't done it yourself, how do you know what the consequences will be? And have you taken on board the notion that advising people to quit could be bad advice? Linda, why is this idea of quitting so important to you? You do bring it up a lot, you know. If it's so important to you, why don't you just quit?

That's about as simply as I can put it.

You can make it more complicated if you like. I could probably handle it. Just because somebody disagrees with you doesn't mean they're simple-minded.

Annabelle

[Eryn]

Moderator hat on:

I note that some of the discussion is starting to lean toward people discussing each other. Let's please stick to the topic.

[Ressie]

Get a room girls!

[Soriya]

Those of you who who took the time to create nothing but a sarcastic remark in here are unbelievable. What's the point in doing so? What are you getting out of being a smart-ass to someone who clearly is venting?

I often wonder how many people that transition wind up with grave regrets later. To me it would seem like a case of exchanging one set of problems for another set of even bigger problems. Couple that with the questionable success of creating a clitoris and possibly loosing the ability to ever achieve an orgasm again must make for a very difficult set of circumstances to deal with.

Ally, my TS friend knows of someone in her local community who transitioned from MtF to only transition back 10 years later. Imagine that one. Kind of makes you wonder how the therapists missed that one.

[TeresaL]

Perhaps we could weigh in with professional opinion from multiple resources, AMA, both APA groups, or gender therapist who specialize in transgender (transvestite, CD/TG/TS) issues.

For starters, I'm willing to share my therapist's comments. She is the TG therapist for thirty or forty clients, currently in one location, with both MtF and FtM. Every session usually starts with her asking how I'm doing. My first comment is to ask her if she has a cure or "magic pill." This has become a standing joke for me, because you and (finally I) know there is none. Repeat, there is not a psychological or spiritual method to cure that little (or slightly larger as dispensed) spot that was inborn to push our lives into doing this cross gender thingy.

Secondly she tells and reinforces in me that there is nothing wrong with me to cure.

Please assimilate that concept and use it for yourselves. This is from a Veteran's hospital for cry in' out loud. We went into service being as macho as men and women could muster.

Funny I'm writing this during an unintentional and unexplained hiatus of two weeks without cross-dressing. No urge! So I will relax for now and not provoke it.

[famousunknown]

Wow, this many replies to my stupid little post?
I don’t think my head is any clearer than it was a week ago. I still don’t know what I’m doing. For those who say a person can never completely “quit”. Well I sure don’t have all the answers to that. I think I can quit if I decide that’s what would be best in the long run. Will I be 100% happy if I quit forever? I doubt it. But who is unquestionably happy with all decisions in their life anyway? Maybe it’s good that I pushed myself to experience certain things before deciding to make permanent changes. Maybe I should have pushed myself more? Maybe I’m just delaying the inevitable and running from the truth? Maybe I will see the light at the end of the tunnel or maybe just find out the light is from another oncoming train bound to run me over. I’m in a holding pattern. Waiting. Waiting for what? Who the hell knows? I figure I’ll know when I know.

[Foxglove]

I'm in a holding pattern. Waiting. Waiting for what? Who the hell knows? I figure I'll know when I know.

If you're really uncertain about things right now, what you're saying may well be a good strategy. If you can't find the answer, maybe you should let the answer come to you. Answers do that sometimes.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[morgan51]

Only you know what you need. I beleive when you know you should follow your heart, to thy own self be true! Good luck with what you decide. I support your decisions for you!

[Beverley Sims]

I do like your choice of names, it it very apt.
You may be a famousunknown if you leave. All these supportive replies. :