Feeling rather blue and depressed

[SandraV]

Well, just last week, after many years of denial and hiding, finally told my wife about my CDing. Well, let me just say that this has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Since that day, it’s been nothing but day after day of painful discussions, sleepless nights, and sadness. I understand it is my own doing for hiding all this time, yet there is part of me that was hoping to find at least a certain level of understanding and acceptance. So far I’ve found neither. I don’t fear for my marriage. I know and feel we both love each other enough to overcome this bump in the road. Nevertheless, her reaction has been nothing short of total rejection when it comes to CDing. Not once have I gotten the feeling she is trying to understand and help me cope. Not once have I received the slightest hint she can accept this part of me. Since we had the talk, her reaction has been akin to someone dying. All I am asking of her is for acceptance, not participation, yet this appears to be short of impossible to her. I am at the point where I’m ready to give up. Not on our marriage, but on myself. Don’t know how to cope and move forward…

[Roberta Young]

Sandra, I wish there was a magic pill for You to take to repair all Your problems.
My only suggestion is give Your Wife some time to "DIGEST" all that was confessed.
Try to find some happiness as small as possible, remember this is the way we were born.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Hi Sandra

I really feel for you. Only difference between your wife and mine (I told her about 4 months ago) is that she won't talk about the elephant so there is no chance to learn.

Bed time here in Australia but if you search for my posts to others in similar positions they might help in the interim. There are several similar threads which have a wealth of information. Look in "Loved Ones" posts as well. They give you a balanced view so that you can understand better what yor wife is going through too.

Michelle

[ChelseaErtel]

I am very sorry your wife is not reacting as you'd hoped. But you need to give her time to let it soak in and to understand you are still the man she married, but with added features. Acceptance is a tricky thing. It may or may not happen - only time will tell.

I told my wife of 28 years that I'm a transsexual about 19 days ago. We are going through emotional ups and downs but are coping well. We love each other and she's trying to understand. She feels she lost her husband - she married a man and now I want to be a woman. Whether I transition at my age is dependent her level of acceptance. I can't jeopardize our marriage, I love her too much. She's the larger half of myself and can't lose her. But not transitioning will be difficult, but at my age I believe possible.

For you, be happy you are a CD and don't hate your body and are a man through and through but enjoys being feminine sometimes. Hell, tell her at least your not TS. But, I asked my wife if I was a CD and not TS would it make a difference and she said no, but I haven't asked her recently - no point.

Show her you love her. Be her husband and man. Make sure she knows how much she means to you. Most of all just give her space and time and talk talk talk. If she still has problems offer for both of you to go to counseling.

You stated that "I think and feel we both love each other". "Think" should not be the operative word, it should be "know" - I'd figure that out. I had thought I lost my wife, but she only pulled back because of me being a TS - but she didn't know that was why so when I told her she had a reason and there was temporary relief. We both found out that we love each other very deeply and don't want to live without each other. My being a TS makes this very difficult, but not impossible. Life it a crap shoot and full of compromises.

Since you mentioned you "don't know how to cope and move forward", you could seek help with a therapist. Either as a couple or separately. Expect some different states of emotion by your wife including the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance (sometimes bargaining). They can be separate and can occur together (denial and anger paired up for me). With time, hopefully she will find acceptance. That acceptance may not come with interaction and participation with your CDing, but that's better than rejection.

You have work to do, just don't let the dice fall where they may. Marriage is work, and you have added some additional tasking. Don't give up on yourself, self acceptance is paramount if you want your marriage to work. Since I told my wife, I have much more energy - the secrecy was sucking the life out of me. I'm happier, and nicer without all that stress.

Give yourself time. Be patient and don't push her to accept but don't be complacent with your marriage. Take her to dinner, reignite the flame that was there when you asked her to marry you. I need to do the same.

Good luck my friend,

Chelsea

[suzy1]

I am sometimes surprised at the reactions of some of the members when they tell there wife or girlfriend.
For whatever reason I can easily see it as they see it and it’s not nice. To me it’s more than understandable if they never see there man the same way ever again.

You say “all I am asking of her is for acceptance” IS THAT ALL! I’m sorry but we have to live in the real world here.
I know it’s not your fault and I am on your side but just try to see it from her point of view.
There are a few members that have accepting wives but they are the few, they are the lucky ones.

[Slip Affinity]

I guess I'm one of the few and lucky since my wife is ok with my dressing at home. She even picks out bras, panties, slips, nighties and sometimes even a nice dress for me. I couldn't ask for a more understanding spouse.

[Dana3]

Sandra, I wish there was a magic pill for You to take to repair all Your problems.
My only suggestion is give Your Wife some time to "DIGEST" all that was confessed.
Try to find some happiness as small as possible, remember this is the way we were born.

Yes We were born this way!

Had I a choice! I would not have been born "Trasgender" I would not wish it on my worse enemy!

[Beverley Sims]

Sandra,
welcome to the forum and don't go for acceptance, there is too much emphasis put on that.
Just try and live life as it comes along, if you are asked something explain it without embellishment or prompting for your wife's attitude all the time.
Eventually things will soften and she may get curious.
She will do her own research and hopefully she gets the right info.
You might have to shelve activities for a while.

[SandraV]

I am sometimes surprised at the reactions of some of the members when they tell there wife or girlfriend.
For whatever reason I can easily see it as they see it and it’s not nice. To me it’s more than understandable if they never see there man the same way ever again.

You say “all I am asking of her is for acceptance” IS THAT ALL! I’m sorry but we have to live in the real world here.
I know it’s not your fault and I am on your side but just try to see it from her point of view.
There are a few members that have accepting wives but they are the few, they are the lucky ones.

I hear you, and believe me, not living in fantasyland here. Still, was not expecting her reaction to be as negative as it has been. Maybe as Chelsea said, only time will tell

[suzy1]

Sorry if I came over a bit negative Sandra.

Others will say smother her in love and they are right.
And a bunch of lovely red roses would be a good idea too.

[Tina B.]

Sandra, sorry to see anyone have to go through this part of being a cross dresser, it's hard to tell a loved one, and then have them reject the information makes it harder. I hope in time she will figure out you are still you, but in the mean time, she probably needs a little space and time to think about what it means to her.
I know I told my wife, because living a lie is just to hard to do, but there are some women that would rather live with the lie of omission. I wish you both the best in the future, and hope that some day she will accept you for the person you are.

[ElleduSud]

Well, just last week, after many years of denial and hiding, finally told my wife about my XXX .....Since that day, it’s been nothing but day after day of painful discussions, sleepless nights, and sadness.

her reaction has been nothing short of total rejection when it comes to XXX. Not once have I gotten the feeling she is trying to understand and help me cope. Not once have I received the slightest hint she can accept this part of me. Since we had the talk, her reaction has been akin to someone dying.

All I am asking of her is for acceptance, not participation

Hi Sandra, I'm sure this is a difficult time for you both. It is not an easy place to be and I feel your pain.

It sounds hopeful, though, that you are having dialog of some sort, even if much of it is painful. Perhaps you will be able to work your way through this more quickly by openly acknowledging the sadness and pain, and sharing it together. When the SO of a CD goes into immediate denial and acts as if they haven't heard a thing, it can take years to reopen the discussion and talk through issues. During those years, you live with the awkwardness and silent resentment of the elephant in your living room. And that is just as burdensome as living with a secret.

I would be very surprised to hear that your SO is trying to help you cope. I don't think that is a realistic expectation for her right now. It is probably taking every ounce of emotional strength she has to help herself cope. She doesn't have any resources leftover for you. That is something you will have to do for yourself.

You have been cross dressing for countless years, slowly progressing in both frequency and presentment. You have built up some acceptance and understanding for yourself over these many years. She has just had your many years of hidden activity dumped on her in one fell swoop. She's overwhelmed.

And she is certainly grieving. Someone died, and that someone is you. As much as you may believe that you are the same person on the inside, that all you have done is tell her some little something she didn't previously know about you, gender roles and expressions are much more complex than reviving an old hobby of stamp collecting or model trains.

If gender - whether it be expression, role or full identity - was not such an all encompassing definition of exactly who we are, then the incongruence of mis-matched physical body and internal identity would not create the highest suicide rates of studied disorders.

She has learned that you are not the person that she believed you to be. She met a man, she dated a man, she fell in love with a man, she built a life, and possibly had children, with a man. Now you're telling her that you aren't quite a man. You are, at least occasionally, maybe only partially, a woman. Who she thought you were no longer exists in the same state of being. You're someone different now. That doesn't mean that you lost the part of you that she did know, but you have added a new dimension that has the potential to greatly overshadow all other facets of your being.

She has to be allowed to grieve her loss and accept that who she thought you were no longer exists. Only when she has completed this grief process will she be in a position to consider this new, expanded you.

You've been lying to her. There is no way to undo that at this point. And make no mistake about it, this lie is huge and it may have her questioning every thing she ever thought about you, as well as herself. When you believe someone else's lies, it damages you. It degrades your ability to trust yourself. And when you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? Fear and doubt set in. Until she feels she can trust herself, she won't be able to trust you. And until she feels she can trust you, she won't be able to invest any more of her emotional well being in the relationship.

You need to be very honest with yourself about what you want from her. You say you are only looking for "acceptance". All that means is that she acknowledges that she has heard you. She understands what you are saying and she has accepted it as true.

When you get acceptance, she nods her head and says, "yes, he likes to dress in women's clothing, I know that." That's acceptance.

That doesn't mean that she will tolerate it or that she will stay in the marriage if you do it, even if she never sees it. It doesn't mean that she will ever talk about it or acknowledge it in any manner. It doesn't mean that she will eventually grow to tolerate it, much less participate, in any manner.

She deserves to know EXACTLY what you want from her. She can't make a knowledgeable decision about her role in the relationship without the full facts. If all you want is her tolerance, where you are allowed some agreed upon time where you dress in private. Tell her that, and be very specific. But don't come back in another 6 months, 2 years, 4 years, pushing for more and more and more and more.

When you come back pushing for more, you are admitting that you lied to her earlier, when all you said you wanted was acceptance, her simple acknowledgement that you like to dress in women's clothes. You are telling her that, once again, you lied to her about who you really are. Then another year later when you push for even more, you tell her you were still lying about who you are and what you do, or want to do. Nothing will kill your marriage faster than the shifting sands of lie on top of lie, on top of lie, on top of lie.

This is going to take time to work through. And it will be much easier to work with a therapist. Show her your commitment to the relationship by getting you both the resources and support you need.

Good luck, Elle

[Karren H]

I have always said that the truth will set you free...... of your wife... your family... your money and your livelihood..... The truth isn't the solutions to every situation.... Just like me... you have discovered that.... I don't have any magic solution..... but if you want to stay married you need to back off and let her calm down..... if you can get to a stable position and then go from there..... my wife knows and doesn't approve but she doesn't want to know.... for me the biggest hurddle is the loss of trust from not telling her all these years... I doubt I'll ever get back to where we were before she found out.... the key is don't give up.... on her or yourself.... its going to suck for a long time.... its been 5 years now.... sucking less every day.... lol

[SandraV]

Thank you Elle,
You just summarized what I see is happening with us. Thank you for your words, and yes, the lies in hiding all this has been the biggest issue we have to overcome before anything else.

Thank you all for the kind words and taking time to respond. I know we have a difficult road ahead. I am hopeful things will get better, yet now find myself with a heavy heart.

Karren... Thanks, needed a laugh.

[Debra Russell]

Sandra - Karren speaketh the truth - sometimes the truth can be painfull but humorous ........................Debra

[Wildaboutheels]

Despite many reports to the contrary here at these Forums, Love does NOT conquer all, much as we might hope it will. No partner of any kind MUST accept everything. Look on any Dating site at the laundry list of "character/personality/looks" issues. Stuff about people some demand in a partner and other stuff they simply won't accept. Just because you are already in Love and have been for X # of years does not mean your wife MUST accept this new revelation. She might come around in a week or month or year. OR, like many here, she may NEVER come around. Also, there is a perpetual myth here that NOT TELLING someone something is a lie. Utter HOGWASH. I hope that did not guilt you into telling.

I have to wonder what prompted you "after many years of denial and hiding" to finally tell her? Was it perhaps "courage" gained at this site or have you reached a point where you NEED her to participate?

One thing in you or anyone's favor is that time can/will usually heal most wounds. You might simply want to lay low and not even mention it again for a month or two. I mean you HAVE already gone X # of years...

[kimdl93]

You use the analogy with death. The 5 stages of grieving apply here as well. For her this is similar in some respects to a death. She's suffered the death of the image she had of you as a person. But remember that this is the first stage of the process. People go through stages of greiving any loss...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. She may just be at the stage of denial after only a week. So prepare yourself and help her through these stages. If you allow her to deal with this gradually she may come to a level of acceptance that can work for both of you.

[Annaliese]

Sandra know that there is love and understanding here I know it is not the same that you were hoping for from your wife but know some of us have gone through the same thing. Both of you are hurting right now she need your love and understanding as much as you need her, hopefully in time thing can get better.
Hugs Annaliese

[Kate Simmons]

The biggest test is always patience. I haven't always been patient but have learned to be. If something is meant to happen, it will. If not, it won't. How we react to and manage what happens is our choice.

[Meghan]

Hi Sandra,

Once the storm hits everything is different. There is no going back to before...but that's also growth. Part of growing is saying goodbye to the things you outgrow. You've outgrown keeping a secret from your wife. The consequences suck right now, but it will get better.

As humans we tend to have a positive bias, meaning we generally expect the best outcomes from events. That's why we have nightmares, I think, for the brain to prepare us when things don't turn out the way we hope.

However, you have made progress. You're no longer living a lie.

I would strongly recommend reaching out for a mentor or a local support group. Your wife isn't going to have many answers and probably has as many, or more, questions than you do. The message board is a great place to start, but I believe there is a lot of value in talking face to face with others. It's really, really helping me.

Meghan

[TeresaL]

My situation was much the same last May, except I was outed twenty years ago, but never took a stand for my inborn birth effect. You've already taken a step out, but your SO wants you in the closet.

Only you know your level of cross-gender capacity, and what you do depends on how much you can live with or without fully expressing it. Go slow for her sake, and if you want to keep the marriage intact. OTOH, at some point you may need to move forward for your health and existence.

Never give up on the idea that you may get acceptance if that is your goal. No guarantees, but it could happen. It's happened to me. She's recently given me feminine things, and moved my women's clothing from my side to her side of our walk-in closet. She is also ok with me going out of town en-femme. This process took place with immense birth pains, but the result is worth it.

It can happen to you too.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear that things have not gone quite as you hoped they would but you need to step back a bit from the situation and realise that you have been fighting a battle with yourself for many years to accept this part of you so it is of little surprise that your wife is also finding it hard to accept it in a very short time but I can also understand how you feel after sharing/unloading this part of you in the hope of getting some relief from you torment only to find that in a way it has been made worse by sharing it with your wife but give it some time to work it's self out as you have said that hopefully it will not end up effecting your marriage .
You have now told your wife so that is in a way a good thing , she has reacted in a negative way so that sort of equal things out now you both have to talk about how you both feel and hopefully you can sort something out to suit the both of you .

[heatherdress]

Good for you - telling your wife - it's hard for both of you - you did the right thing. Everyone has offered good comments.

You both need time. Don't let yourself get run down. Work out. Stay busy. Stay as positive as you can. Give yourself time. Don't establish expectations which may not be met, especially regarding her feelings and behavior. Hopefully this painful experience will bring you closer together. Good luck.

[Sandra]

She has known just a week...well you might not want to hear this but it could take months, even years for her to give you what you want, acceptance, but then again she may not be able to do that at all.

Don't push things but try and keep talking.

[Barbara Ella]

Sandra, you have a wealth of advice here, that i could repeat, but I will just tell you my story, as it has parallels. When I first told my wife I was a crossdresser, she laughed, saw the look in my eyes, and cried. She cried for three weeks. We talked constantly. She read a lot. After three weeks, a very short time in my opinion, she recognized the strength in our marriage, and decided that she would try to make it better for both of us, and became participatory with me, shopping, makeup, wigs, etc. She encouraged me to dress at home with her around.

It took about 3 months before the emotional pull of seeing me dressed, and the long term uncertainty of where this might go got to be too much for her to process, and we are now in an intellectual support phase, but never seeing me dressed again.

So, just be there for her, and wait, wait, wait. it might hurt for awhile, but being honest and helping educate her, and just being there will help calm her. She may never "accept" but that is not the end of the world if she can support you in some small way. Don't be in a rush. I figure that in 10 years or so she might let me put on a granny gown and slippers around her.

Barbara