coming out to wife in couples' therapist session?

[oh hey its anya]

Has anyone done this? I'm just putting forward something of a gameplan to tell my wife about my crossdressing and I am contemplating this approach. I think it has some advantages and disadvantages.

First the couples therapy is in the context of a sexual health center, so our therapist isn't a 'generalist'...we have seen him before (though not in awhile) and my wife generally likes him, and we've had productive sessions with him in the past. Also my wife can be, ahem, a bit of a type A personality, and I am, well, NOT...so having someone else in the room to mediate and process what is going on I think would be helpful.

The disadvantage, the main one at least, is that I don't want my wife to feel 'ganged up' on. In other words, my therapist certainly knows my history, and I do, but my wife with the crossdressing does not. I'm not saying that my therapist would be unprofessional and wouldn't be receptive to her feedback--I'm just talking about her instant reaction to everything. And of course, I know that that's only the first step, the first conversation, really.

I've made great strides in the last couple of years but I still can be incredibly timid and flustered in 'deep' conversations like this, i.e., standing up for myself--'playing fair' in the conversation (or, er, argument) but still being clear about what I need.

To be honest I don't think my wife will be surprised that I have crossdressed. She might be surprised to the extent that I want to integrate it into my life without hiding it within our household.

there are a few other issues I might touch on later, but these are the main ones. I just wanted to see if anyone has taken this approach. Thank you. All the best. <3

[Barbara Ella]

Anya, I do not have any experience with a therapist and using them to come out, so I can only give you my thoughts after having come out to my wife nearly one year ago. Because this is to personal, she might not feel comfortable within "your" therapist's setting. If you could do it in concert with a session, and perhaps comeout to her prior to a session, that you could both attend if she felt the need to it might be easier on her. I know how intimidating this can be, but believe me, it is just something that you must screw up the courage to do, if you feel that you must, and only you can know this. This will be very personal to your wife, moreso than to yourself, and if she has not attended sessions with you before, it could feel like a blindside move.

In the end it comes down to what you feel most comfortable with. i wish you bhe best.

Barbara

[DebbieL]

You might want to talk to your couples' therapist one on one and let him know that you are transgender and want to let your wife know. This may help him be better prepared to read her reactions as well as making sure you don't chicken out.

As you say, your wife may not be all that surprised, she might even be relieved, and she might even wish you told her a long time ago, so that she could be a part of it.

If you had a fatal disease that had a 75% mortality rate, and there was a simple and inexpensive cure that was 95% effective, wouldn't your wife want you to have that therapy?

The suicide rate for transgenders could be as high as 75% and 95% of those who are able to appropriately express their gender are happier, healthier, and more productive. You didn't chose to be transgendered, and may not know whether you are transsexual or not, but your dressing is not really a choice. If you are forced or pressured into not dressing, it would adversely effect your physical, emotional, and mental health.

Although I had come out to my wife in 1980, we had reached the point where she was becoming sexually and emotionally abusive, and tried to shut down all dressing. We went to a therapist and after several weeks of seeing us together, he had separate individual sessions with each of us. The result of the evaluation was that he saw that I was transsexual and would probably need to consider transition. At best, I would have to find some appropriate way to express my feminine side. On the flip side, Leslie was very heterosexual and had no interest in Debbie. In every other aspect of our relationship, we had the textbook example of a healthy and loving relationship. He suggested an Open Marriage, where we would each have our own partner. Other options were platonic marriage, or divorce. I took the platonic marriage, she took a lover, and her lover decided he wanted to marry her, so we had to get a divorce.

[Beverley Sims]

Does your wife know why you attend therapy sessions?
If not tell her beforehand, somehow.

[MsRenee]

If this is going to be the time when you tell her about your dressing. Id rethink the approach. It would be best as to do it were you think she would feel some what comfortable, its gonna be a shock to her even if she already knows about it as your going to be telling her that youve been hiding something from her. Play it safe and remember her feelings also.
Renee

[kimdl93]

I think using the therapist as a mediator is good thinking. It will help assure that your type a partner plays fair. That doesn't assure she will take the news well, it just means you'll have someone there to keep the conversation from deteriorating into name calling. I would be sure that when you tell her, the news comes from you and not your therapist.

[Jenniferathome]

I highly recommend telling her in private. Being surprised by something like this is best one on one.

[Stephanie47]

If you are in couple's counseling and therapy for sexual issues, how could you NOT bring in the cross dressing issue??You think your wife know nothing of your cross dressing, but, that may not be true. It could be she is waiting for you to 'fess up' to your secret life. I really don't think you can skirt (pun not intended) around the issue for ever, if it partially the cause of any sexual issues.

[oh hey its anya]

Thanks for the feedback. In answer to some of the questions:

yes, we have seen this therapist before for couples' therapy (though not in awhile).
yes, my therapist knows everything.
The therapy (and the group sessions, which I've 'graduated' from) has been ongoing for over 4 years now. It's in relation to treatment for compulsive sexual behavior, i.e. sex addiction. So it hasn't been 'gender work' per se. Now that I'm at a decent stage of recovery (though it's never ever complete) I'm transitioning (so to speak!) with working and receiving support for the gender issues, as a missing puzzle piece for, well, a lot of the unhappiness and displacement I've felt through much of my life. Long story....

What also has complicated the timeline of disclosure is that we are new parents--so with a difficult pregnancy, sheer mental exhaustion, and complete lack of sleep, for almost 2 years now the stress has been through the roof, so I haven't wanted to throw all of this into the mix. I'm only really coming to grips with CD'ing as a healthy part of my identity the last few weeks anyhow.

My sexual compulsive behaviors have rarely had to do with crossdressing itself, as opposed to internet pornography. OK, you're really learning a lot about me, lol. But seriously, recovery is going well. Light years ahead of where I was 4 years ago. The fact that I'm writing this now and reaching out to this community without extreme shame is a huge step. And I'm finally in a place with recovery where I'm actually able to have some 'solid ground' to claim this as part of my healthy identity. It's taken a lot of work just to be happy to be me and accept myself. But of course, having my wife as part of this is a massive step that I'm trying to plan.

BTW, most of the COUPLES therapy in the past hasn't had to do with my own bad behaviors per se, but in achieving greater intimacy and communication skills with my wife, which is one of the set goals of the treatment program (which is very goal oriented--I'm more than happy to talk more about it if anyone wants to message me).

I do like the idea perhaps of disclosing to my wife and then having a couples therapy session right after. But, whatever the case, it's my responsibility to tell her, whether it's in a therapists office or otherwise.

Thanks again.

[carhill2mn]

Your wife may not be surprised that you have crossdressed but I doubt very much that she would appreciate learning about it in public (even if it is a counseling session). IMHO this is a subject that the two of you should discuss in private.

[Joanne.England]

I also believe this should be a private affair. I also think you should tell her at least 4 hours before a session to give her time to think about it.

[JessiJ]

If you think she would be completely blindsided by the news of you crossdressing, then you may want to talk to her one on one. This will give her time to get over the shock factor. Then if it still needs to be brought up in therapy session later on, you will have a professional to help mediate.

[Darla]

I personally agree that telling her beforehand (if nothing else to show her that the counseling that resulted in increased communication and intimacy worked) is the best option. I know it's hard and might feel like the last straw, and in the face of a newborn is a monumental thing, but by starting to trust her, you're giving er some options, and also giving her the space to vent. It might not be pleasant. It might absolutely suck, but it's a marriage and they all are messy. If you've been a good dad and husband, I'm sure it'll count towards the pain and shock she might feel.

Good luck!

[Annie D]

I would not surprise her in a therapy session. Although she may initially handle the surprise in good spirits, it may become an issue that she puts in her bag and then once the two of you are alone she may start dumping it back on your head. The feminine side of me does not handle surprises very well and if I am embarrassed I tend to take those surprises personally and she may very well share this trait. At least, before the session, share with her that you have something very personal that you would like to share with her during the session and that you don't want her to be shocked or surprised. My intuition tells me that she will persist in finding out before you meet with the therapist and then you will have the opportunity to let her know about your secret. Then you can share this with your therapist in her presence and the three of you can discuss it or the two of you and have a mediator available. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[oh hey its anya]

OK, I appreciate the additional advice.

I'll be sure to tell her one on one, ideally a few days before a counseling session.

But I'll be sure to prepare myself as much as possible beforehand with my therapist (as much as one can!). I love this woman and want her to see and know 'all of me.'

Thanks again.

Hugs, Anya

[Shelly Preston]

I think you should read the link in my signature

Telling your partner is one of those things you need to do very carefully

The link contains lots of great information

One to One is the best way in my opinion

[oh hey its anya]

that was a helpful read Shelly, thank you!

(while also realizing I still need to keep doing my homework for a little while more)

[Moxie]

I was first informed of my H's dressing while we also had very young kids and I don't think I've ever felt so angry, sad, trapped and shocked in one breath. The trapped part made me feel all the more angry because all I could think was "the ******* waited until NOW to tell me?!"

So kudos for working on yourself and finally fessing up, but please tell her in private as we girls really don't like public surprises, and THEN get her to the therapist as fast as you can as she's going to feel very, very upset and alone. Unless she's expecting this, and then it could go either way.

Good luck!