Have any of you thought you were TG and realized you weren't. What and why did you think that--and what ended up happening after you realized?
Have any of you thought you were TG and realized you weren't. What and why did you think that--and what ended up happening after you realized?
No, quite the opposite.
T R A N S G E N D E R....................I have no problem with the word.
Realized I was TG and said 'that explains it!'-Celeste
I figured out before I was 5 that I should have been a girl. It has been 50 years since that realization and so far I have not had one moment that there was even a slight chance that it wasn't real. If I was going to realize I was mistaken I guess it would have happened by the time 50 years went by.
I go back and forth on it. Sometimes I think I should be a girl, then sometimes I think it's a pipe-dream. I wish I knew if I was a CDer or a TS. It'd be a whole lot easier knowing how to view myself and/or what to do.
I feel the same exact way
Originally Posted by AmandaM
I am brand new to the realization of being a crossdresser, and transgendered, and now accepting more and more that my past really did contain the elements of an innate femininity of which I was unaware until now. I can/will never go back, but it is so hard to move forward as the questions come at me so rapidly.
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
I've wrestled with being transgendered for over 51 years. I'm almost 57 years old now.
From as young as 2 years old, I wanted to be a girl. I preferred playing with girls as much as possible. Even went I went to a male friend's house, I often spent more time playing with his older sister. I didn't even understand at that age that there was a significant difference. I knew girls had longer hair and wore dresses, but even then I could be "one of the girls" since I didn't hit or push or shove or get physical like the other boys did. I liked that girls didn't do that to me as well.
When I was 5 years old, I was playing with a few other girls, and we traded clothes, which was common for girls that age. I ended up in a pretty dress, and they decided to dress me up completely. Panties, tights, shoes, the works. I loved the feeling, and I loved the feeling of being one of the girls. I belonged, I felt loved, I was happier than I had ever been. Only hours later, her mother would see me in the dress, send me home, and make sure I was never allowed to play with the girls again (at least not for several years).
I wanted to be a girl. I prayed for it, I asked for it for christmas, I wished on birthday cakes, wished on wish-bones, any time I could make a wish, I wished that I could be a girl. Television programming didn't help. There were episodes where Uncle Miltie dressed up like a very ugly girl, but a girl nonetheless. There was the episode on Gilligan's Island where the characters ended up in each other's bodies. There was the star trek episode where kirk and the woman traded bodies. There were magic spells to cause the switch, there were gadgets that caused the switch, or like some like it hot, where the boys just dressed up like girls and were treated like girls. I didn't know any better, but gradually my illusions were shattered. I knew Santa Clause was not real, I began to believe that the other magical characters weren't real. I was even beginning to wonder if God was real. I began to feel that no matter how good I was, God could not turn me into a girl.
I hated playing with boys. They usually ended up hurting me, trying to stone me with golf-ball sized rocks and stick 2-3 inches in diameter. Often, I came home from school bruised and battered. I would have asthma attacks. Many times I ended up in the hospital, often in critical condition. Often I would spend up to 2 weeks in recovery. I eventually avoided walking home with the other boys by not doing my written work during class. I would listen to both lectures then do the written work after school. Often I would work until 5 PM while the teacher graded papers to avoid the boys, who would beat me up for being a "Sissy". I knew that I was a Sissy, which was slang for "Sister" the same way that "Buddy" is slang for brother.
My asthma was so severe that I became a test subject for a research project. During phase one, they just gave me a daily physical, then asked me a bunch of psychological questions about my mood, feelings, and if anything bad happened that day, and what happened.
My test results were so good they used me for phase two. They had the house mother of the girls take care of me for six weeks, and I spent week-ends with the girls at the girls' dorm. I loved it. I sang, I danced, we played together, I was one of the girls. My health got radically better, so much better that I had gone from coughing between bites to eating an entire meal without even clearing my throat. In the next six weeks they had me stay with the house mother of the boy's dorm, and play with the boys on the week-ends. I got so sick and the attacks were so severe they almost had to cut the test short. It was then that they realized that my gender identity was a critical factor in my health.
I spent 1 year after that seeing a psychologist 3 times a week. He taught me to control my emotions, and helped me sort out many feelings. I told him I wanted to be a girl, and he told me he knew that, but it wasn't possible, so I would have to accept being a boy.
When I was about 10, I heard about Christine Jorgensen. I desperately wanted to see the movie about her life story. It sounded so like my own. I think my parents may have seen it.
Shortly after the movie came out, my dad gave me the "birds and bees" talk, explaining boy parts and girl parts, but he also had to explain that while most boy had balls, I didn't because they were stuck inside me, like ovaries. He said they would come down when I was older, and if they didn't, they would perform an operation that would make me like other boys. I didn't understand it at the time, but I realize now that I had been born Intersexed. I had several other biological markers that showed a lack of testosterone during the first 2-3 months of pregnancy. Today we know that testosterone levels can be lowered by drinking, smoking, medications, stress, too much coffee or tea, any number of factors. It wasn't mom's fault, she had no idea. My father was also effeminate as well. He may have thought it was his fault.
When my testes did drop, I wasn't happy. I tried to push them back, where they belonged. I tried to crush them with a hammer and pliers, I tried to poach them by sitting in water so hot it gave me blisters, I tried to strangle them with rubber bands. Anything to prevent the changes that having them would cause. I didn't want to be a boy and was prepared to do almost anything to prevent it.
I had reached the point where I wore the same sizes as my mother. I could wear her skirts, boots, blouses, even her wig. I could even put on make-up and pass. I walked around the block a few times, and even went to the store once when I was supposed to be sick and the other kids were at school and mom was at work. Had I been able to transition at that point, I would have jumped at the chance without hesitation.
Then the changes of puberty hit. I got too tall so I couldn't wear mom's clothes anymore. My feet got too big, and my voice started changing. I had sung soprano in Jr Choir but was now struggling to sing alto. I got chigella and it almost killed me. When I came back from a near death experience, I was pissed that I hadn't asked to come back as a girl.
I began to experience erections as sexual, and began having ejaculations. They felt good and frustrating at the same time. Soon I wondered if I would be willing to give up those pleasures to be a girl. I knew that they got rid of the penis, but didn't know what would happen after that. What I didn't know at the time was that sexual arousal was a big problem for post-op transsexuals of that period. The standard accepted practice at the time was to try and convince transsexuals NOT to transition.
Because I couldn't play with girls and hated playing with boys, and didn't like reading books about either, I read lots of non-fiction. I buried myself reading thousands of nonfiction books. My father also encouraged me to learn a lot about science, including chemistry, electronics, mechanics, electric motors, aerodynamics, rockets, even explosives, medieval arms, photography, and cryptography. I found that by joining radio club, rocket club, science club, and railroad club, that I could avoid the bullies at night. My grades improved.
Many people misread my effeminate behavior as being homosexual. There were many boys who tried to "date me", inviting me over for sleep-overs and then trying to seduce me. I respectfully declined, letting them know I was flattered that they found me so pretty, but not quite willing to share my true secret, that I was transgendered. Back then, the word did not exist. I wanted to be a girl, but had no idea how to do it.
When I reached age 15, my voice had changed to Bass. I was so upset that I went into self-destruct mode. I started using drugs, booze, pots, even my hay fever medication - to try and get so loaded that I could walk in front of a truck, get myself killed by someone else, or just die of an overdose. Many times, my friends, who gave me the party goods would rescue me from myself. In my black-out, Rex "Went to Sleep" and Debbie took over, and Debbie didn't want to affirm the male.
I tried to get information about transvestites, transsexuals, and other transgender types, but the library was useless. I tried to find information in book stores, magazine stands, and when I turned 18, adult book stores. I eventually found some information, mostly about female domination and forced feminization. I seriously considered this as a very real possibility, but had no idea how to meet such a woman.
In college, I was given two magazines, one with pictures of transvestites, another with images of female domination and fetish dressing. I was ashamed because my cover had been blown, but I didn't realize that they were trying to tell me that I was accepted for who I was. I wish I had had the courage at the time to thank them and accept their kindness.
I struggled for several more years, keeping my secret even when the voice in my head was screaming to tell somebody, ANYBODY. Tell the girl I was with, tell my lover in sophomore year (even the sex was lesbian sex), tell my first fiance. Yet I could not get the words out. I tried so many times, but it was like I would suffocate if I told. I got even more frustrated, went to even more drugs and booze, eventually ending up in a psych ward on a 72 hour hold. I was given outpatient group therapy, but when I tried to tell them about wanting to be a girl, they told me I couldn't talk about that in group, that they couldn't help me with that issue. I eventually reached the point where, under the influence of a cocktail of numerous drugs, I ended up swallowing over 1/4 pound of ground glass, a few chips at a time, then another 1/4 lb crushed up and washed down with a glass of wine. I somehow managed to survive anyway.
I got sober, had a few relapses, each between 3 and 6 months apart, until I stopped completely in may of 1980. In December, I was working the steps with my sponsor and he told me I needed to be honest with my girl-friend, who I was living with. He didn't know the details, but told me I needed to be honest with her. I told her about the dressing, and she seemed to accept it. She wanted to keep it in the bedroom only, and didn't want me going out in public. A few months later, about a month after we were married, she made it clear that she really didn't like the dressing and that she would not initiate sex and would feel free to turn me down when she wasn't in the mood. I had been castrated by my marriage.
I tried to accept my situation as best as I could. I even helped her have two children. I loved being a parent, even though I couldn't be a mother. I still bonded with the kids and took care of them. Eventually, after the second child was born, my wife stopped having sex with me entirely, and after 18 months of chastity, we sought couple's therapy. He was amazed that we had the textbook example of a healthy marriage in terms of communication, issue resolution, mutual respect, yet sexually we were incompatible. She had hoped that the dressing was just a phase and would pass, I was hoping that she would eventually accept. He made it clear as glass. He explained that I was transsexual. If I tried to "Kill Debbie", Debbie would literally kill Rex. At the same time, he pointed out that Leslie was not a lesbian, not even bisexual, and would never be aroused by Debbie. He offered us an open marriage, a platonic marriage, or divorce as the options available. I chose the platonic marriage, she chose the open marriage, taking on a lover, and her lover wanted to marry her so we got the divorce.
I started transition, but my wife blackmailed me into quitting, threatening to give a letter signed by a fundamentalist Christian social worker addressed to a Fundamentalist Christian judge, in a town famous as headquarters for Focus on the Family. It advised revoking my visitation, or at least limiting it to supervised visitation. The irony is that my wife and her new husband were the ones abusing the children.
I stopped the transition process. But eventually, she wanted me to stop seeing the kids anyway, so I moved east, hoping to find a more supportive environment in or near New York City.
I started into transition again, but was invited to a leadership program, on the condition that I "burn the dresses". Eventually, I realized that I was still transsexual and that the attempt to "kill Debbie" had indeed resulted in a backlash. I had gained over 50 lbs in 3 months, and eventually doubled my weight. It eventually resulted in heart problems and even a stroke.
When I started dressing and acknowledging that I was transgendered and that I would have to find ways to give Debbie an acceptable form of expression. When I did, I began losing weight, my health improved.
Even today, I know in my heart that if I had the resources and didn't have to suffer consequences that could include losing my second wife, her family and our friends. I've been alone before, having to give up everything and everyone, even moving into 1 room studio apartment, as a result of wanting to transition, back when I was 32 years old. I just wish I had known what I know now, and had not stopped the transition.
I know that I am TG, I'm even TS, and I know that I won't really have peace until I transition, but I am also enough of a realist to know that I will not be the beautiful young woman I always wanted to be my whole life. At best I would be a well preserved older woman who has to wear sensible clothes to blend in. Even though I can take about 15 years off with make-up and shape-wear, I still wouldn't pass as a 45 year old woman in a miniskirt, heels, hose, and a satin blouse, even with a suit jacket.
The thought of spending the rest of my life stuck in a boy's body is enough to make me consider a "Prestone Cocktail", but I know that I also have the genes to detox from practically any drug overdose, poison, or toxins.
Last edited by Eryn; 11-25-2012 at 01:26 AM. Reason: Sorry, too much information.
It seems to me that anyone who thought that he/she was TG and decided in the negative is not likely to be a member of this site.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Unless they are using "TG" for "CDer" and they now realize they are transsexual?
I also never know where someone's coming from when they say "TG", since it is such an ambiguous term. The media uses it when they mean "TS". CDers who do not dress for fetish use it to not be confused with fetishists. People who question whether or not they are TS use it instead of "CD", to separate themselves from pure CDers. And people who feel they are outside the male/female binary use it as an "in between" term.
To Allison, do you mean that you are not wanting to crossdress anymore, or do you think you might be transsexual?
Reine
Hi,
Never knew what the word ment & no, how could i im intersexed, & did not know what a male was or female, i thought every one was like me, yea well i was a kid then age 10. what sort of a brain would i have know nothing about any thing .
yet i knew i was okay i knew i was differnt yet not like a male or female yet i was normal well as a kid .
As i was growing i knew i was a bit of both later on my brain was inline as a female, so from then on it did not matter, how i was seen .i knew one day id live as a normal woman, So im just a intersexed / woman.
This allso brings with it some lovely things yet does have a down side, as your awear of, dont have that feminine look, oh well cant have every thing where i lack i makeup else where,
...noeleena...
I think that if an uninformed person is going to make a mistake they would be more likely to confuse "TG" and "TS" due to similarity.
I was using "TG" in its common meaning within the community, as an umbrella term covering the entire spectrum.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
I would agree with that but I still feel that some CDs do not come under that umbrella as for some of them gender issues just does not come into it .
I have sometimes used the term 3G( third gender) but I guess that is just as confusing .
Last edited by Joanne f; 11-25-2012 at 04:52 AM.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Joanne
I still wonder every day. I wish I could switch back and forth, so I guess I'm not.
Nope. I wished I was TG sometimes(no surgery). BUT life currently has me where I can't. We are a minority that will be discriminated and I dislike the whole deal with discrimination. I've been a victim of racial discrimination enough to avoid it when possible. Is it wrong? Yes. Can I stop it retards from continuing that thought process? No. I'll just avoid it when possible.
Nope, once I realized and then accepted that I was TS I was finally happy. I found myself. I was kind of an angry person before and now I'm so much nicer and definitely happier. The stress of keeping my dressing secret was killing me. Now, I have to balance wife, kids, and my incorrect body but it's still better than before.
I am a transsexual, its who I am, and I've never felt freer. I think any man who dons women's clothing should know why they are doing it. What as the drive or urge to begin? There are many different answers to that and none of them are wrong. It's easy to get confused so it's good to ask questions, especially when you are young.
Reine, this confuses me too! It's even worse when you're researching everything and it's a different meaning everywhere.
So now I use the meanings from another forum I frequent and it's a little less confusing for me: CD has no inner female identity, they just like to emulate women on occasion. TG is a CD who identifies partly as female (at varying levels) and TS fully identifies as female.
Anyway, I'm sure it's different here but this has helped me to understand my personal situation better.
Well, when I say understand I really mean I have no clue about anything...
I started cross-dressing when I was in 7th grade. A few years later, at about 15, I gave the question as to whether I was transsexual serious thought, but realized I did not feel I was/should be a woman. I revisited the question about six years ago and came to the same conclusion.
Having said that, if I could magically transform into a woman, I would love the opportunity to experience that - well, at least the good parts of being a woman. Not necessarily interested in the totality.
If only our families and friends could be as supportive as our bras!
taking that leap of faith into femininity can be very scary, i know it was for me, and when i was contemplating taking those first steps i was very afraid that i would be doing it in vain or that it would negatively effect me in the future. so i needed to be damn sure that i knew i was a TG before just changing my life for it... i still think about that... its a tough one. although, i know that i have felt this way my whole life and that i cant just neglect it for the rest of it. much love.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? and whats on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, rainbows have nothing to hide.
I think if there is any doubt or you have to constantly ask yourself the question or question it then it is not so. I think most who are really TG know beyond a shadow of a doubt. I once saw a news story on a gender variant M to F who got fully dressed and said they were waiting on the femme side to "show up". Thing is they said they were getting ready for a transition. I figured Not.
Altho I'm a "TG" by definition because I dress, I don't feel like I am.
Strangely, I began dressing out of the blue 15 years ago. At the time, I thot I was TS. Gradually, I became a serious CD and stopped having thots of becoming a female.
U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.
Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!
Then there are those who scratch and claw to stay away from anything trans or gender.....
Gawd forbid they get called a transdresser or crossgendered person, cuz that'd just be too strange.
I'm personally in favor of sanctions and universal regulations with rules stating that all labels will be worn at all times........
Relax Freddy, i jest.
Actually i kinda like Doormat's post, that is a fairly decent interpretation.
And Reine........sadly enough, TG does seem to have become rather ambiguous. Which is really sad because to me it was a better and much less ambiguous term than CDer.
Oh well, onward we trudge.
What exactly drove you to take the HUGE step? I think about it so much and I just want a solid answer from myself. . .How did you get it?
That's my point. Everyone has their own definitions, their own twist on the same terms, even you. This means that when people are communicating together either in real life of through posts in a forum, they may get an entirely different impression than what the other person actually means, when terms like "TG" or "trans", or "non-trans" are used.
When people describe how they feel about the CDing, what they want, what they get out of it, what their motives are, and where they see it going in the short and long terms, they need more than just one word. This is why labels like "CD" and "TG" are rather ambiguous.
I guess you did mean that you might be thinking you are TS. I wish you well on your path to discovery.
Last edited by ReineD; 11-26-2012 at 01:21 AM.
Reine
well i mean, what exactly is the huge step? the whole thing kinda seems to be a bunch of baby steps to me. slowly blending the gender lines one thing at a time. i guess the biggest step was just starting to tell people, then being en femme around friends. once i started to grow out my hair, then wear jewelry and painting my nails then dyeing my hair then started buying like every fricking makeup thing you could ever need i realized i started a snowball effect that wasnt going to stop. i feel like once the people around you know, the only other barriers lie within, ya know? im not full time though, im barely part time. so i may be the wrong person to ask.
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? and whats on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, rainbows have nothing to hide.
