Why It's Beautiful To Be Trans

[ReineD]

I already have that. In fact, she accepts it more than I ever have. I still don't accept it, don't want it, don't want to acknowledge it, don't want any part of it, yet...it's there. I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

Oh sorry, I misread. I took it that you wanted to find a way to be a peace with it, because you were single and concerned about not finding an accepting partner.

If you want it to disappear forever and be gone, it will eventually I guess. Honestly, if you hate it each time you dress then I can't see you dressing in misery the rest of your lifetime, unless you're a glutton for punishment.

The alternative is to allow yourself to express femininity when you feel you need to, and forget about it the rest of the time. My SO had several periods of not dressing at all in past years, and one lasted almost an entire year. He just didn't feel like it and this happens to a lot of people here. People in this forum say that CDers can never stop, but some do. I know someone who lives in my town (the husband of a friend) who hasn't CDed in over 3 years, and this was his decision. His wife and grown children are supportive, as is his church community and many of our friends. He was "semi" out to everyone. Actually, about 10 years ago she thought she wanted to transition. I don't know why he stopped. He had been dressing with his wife's full support for 15-20 years. Then one day he grew a beard and that was it.

Just follow your heart and stop beating yourself up when you do. lol

[LeannL]

Annabelle,
Great piece expressing our true nature. Thanks.

Famousunknown,
I would suggest that you see a therapist as there appears to be something else that is preventing you from accepting yourself as you are. Maybe it is just the fact that society as a whole still doesn't accept us. Maybe it is that your religion doesn't accept us. For me, it was the fact that I was first worried that God would not accept me, then angry that he made me this way, then worried that I was a societal outcast. When I realized that God made me this way for a still unknown reason yet he still made me this way and therefore accepted me, I came to a calmness that others have described. I accepted myself even as I seek to understand why I was put on this earth this way. I don't care about society anymore. I do care that I don't hurt my loved ones so I try to be careful what I do but to the rest of society, I just don't give a hoot.

So please seek some help. Self-loathing is not good for anyone. You deserve a happier existence.

Leann

[Angela Campbell]

I already have that. In fact, she accepts it more than I ever have. I still don't accept it, don't want it, don't want to acknowledge it, don't want any part of it, yet...it's there. I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

I can understand this emotion. For most of my life I wanted to be "normal" too. I knew from a very young age I wanted to be a girl, and was raised to think this is not normal, so I hid it. I finally came to the conclusion that I just can't hide something from myself. I can lie to myself, but I know the truth. The only thing that made it better for me was to just admit to myself that I am this way whether or not I want to be.

[Amy Fakley]

I want it to disappear forever and be gone. I want to be normal.

I know this feeling so well ... I spent all of my youth and most of my adult life so far, vigorously pursuing this goal of making it go away and trying to be normal.
It's only in the last few years that I've come to accept that for me, I might as well be trying to wash the white off rice. It took a lot of failed attempts for me to come to that point ... more or less 20 years or so of them. That was a lot of wasted time, and a lot of needless self-imposed angst.

Look, everyone's different. Nearly everyone here is going to tell you that you can't stop, that it will always come back and that the sooner you accept this aspect of yourself the better. That advice reflects the experiences of the people giving it, and by and large this is a self selected group of people for whom crossdressing is a "white on rice" kind of thing. There are people for whom this is not true. Maybe you're one of them?

Life is short, but it is also long enough to try more than one approach. If you honestly hate this, and don't want it to come back, then give it a try ... try walking away from it. If you come back to it ... well ... there you go.

The main thing is not to hate on yourself either way. You just are what you are. /there is no objectively "right" way to be a human, you know? If you're not hurting anyone else by dressing, and it makes you happy, and you want to keep doing it in spite of yourself ... maybe it's ok to give yourself permission to just do that and be happy 'eh? Also if you're really really unhappy ... see a councilor, these people have seen it all, they won't be shocked, and they can help you down the road to finding some peace.

[angpai30]

[QUOTE=almostalady;3030552 It was more like a moment of exhaustion when I just let go of the amazingly difficult struggle to be something the world wanted me to be. I was just too tired to keep going on and just let go. It was a moment of weakness that lead me to the realization that I had been wasting my energy all along. I have faced the enemy and it was me. Now I have the strength to face other things since this weight has been lost.

This has hit the nail on the spot for me. I was so tired of hiding everything, hiding myself. One who hides themselves aren't living a full life, but only a half a life because they don't allow them to experience the fullness and richness of life; sitting there hoping for acceptance from others, hoping that the world will one day accept us for who we are, hoping and waiting for that day to come. I was half dead when I started to transition... I was deathly afraid of anyone finding out about "me" and the precautions that I took were far above and beyond scale. Two days ago one of my Co-Workers told me that I was really different so different that she considered me a girly girl and told me that I really don't do dude well. She asked me how I was able to all the sudden switch from acting like a man to acting like a girl so fast. I told her that I was "acting" as a man and I always had "am I acting like a man" in my thoughts at all times. Once I let that go the girl in me started to pour out and my natural instincts started to kick in. She was amazed that me being a girly girl was so instinctive she started to realize how exhausting it was for me to be who I "was" then. The weight of watching body movements and watching how I talked and interacted with others was a point of stress for me. She gave me a big hug and said she was glad that Angela is here now and that my other self was just not very fun or at all manly even when trying to watch myself. She laughed and I started crying that someone actually understands what I, what we all are going through and dealing with.

Angela

[Julogden]

An absolutely wonderful posting! Thank you for sharing it with us. The resulting discussion is most enlightening.

Carol

[Fiona K]

Nice sentiments.

But the terminally God-bothering will never "get it" without being who we are. I tired to do the whole Jesus thing (I was completely hooked and ecstatically evangelical), I joined the Army Reserves and I got married........ none of these things "cured" me of my "choice".

The superstitious (like my Pastor Brother-in-law and Sister) who believe in some external entity that is omnipresent, omniscient and all powerful but then gives away free will (and wonders why it all goes to pot), will never understand us.

And this week I had a “discussion” with one of my contacts—a perfectly decent guy in many ways, but alas! a hopelessly religious homo/transphobe who believes that TGism is a choice and a sin and that if I would just turn to Jesus, he would cure and save me. I continued talking to him because I had the feeling there was a chance I could get through to him, but in the end he just couldn’t make the breakthrough, so I gave it up.