Hi, Everybody!

We transfolks are of course an oft-maligned group. On this very forum over the last few days three fairly nasty taunts have been thrown at us. So it goes.

And this week I had a “discussion” with one of my contacts—a perfectly decent guy in many ways, but alas! a hopelessly religious homo/transphobe who believes that TGism is a choice and a sin and that if I would just turn to Jesus, he would cure and save me. I continued talking to him because I had the feeling there was a chance I could get through to him, but in the end he just couldn’t make the breakthrough, so I gave it up.

And then there was another contact of mine who’s very knowledgeable of and sympathetic towards TGism. I don’t know what’s going on with her right now, but I think somehow she got to a place inside her where she discovered that TGism completely baffles her, and I think maybe she’s wondering whether she even really likes us at all. Or maybe she was just having a bad day.

At any rate, as we know, no cisperson, no matter how knowledgeable about TGism, is going to truly understand us. We are always other, alien to them and their experience. So how to explain to them why it’s so beautiful to be trans? I think there are two main elements at work here:

[1] Once when I was young, I walked out of a job. It was the right thing to do: the job was worse than depressing. It was soul-destroying. But as I was sitting at the bus-stop waiting for the bus home, everything was very strange. The world looked and felt very different: it had almost a fairy-tale quality to it.

A friend of mine later explained it to me: there are certain moments in your life that are “charged”. Something occurs to break down your natural defences: you stand face-to-face with life, and the world flows into you in all its fullness and richness. For better or worse, you feel more vibrant and alive. The world has really got to you.

[2] This same friend once wrote a poem about a hunchback. I didn’t understand it, so he explained it to me: we all carry a burden in life. The hunchback has an advantage of sorts. He at least knows what his burden is. It’s too obvious for him to ignore. While other people might spend years trying to figure out what their burden is, he has a headstart: he learns all about his own burden and how to live with it.

We transpeople have that same advantage: we know what our burden is—if we don’t choose to repress or deny it. But we have a further advantage in that it’s not just a burden.

We transpeople live with a certain ever-present tension. In part that tension is that which exists between us and society at large, who at the end of the day would prefer to do without us. But that tension also arises from our very nature, because gender is something that is very basic to us. Because of the conflicting signals that we get from deep within us, we are always on edge. So this tension, which is such a burden to us, also proves to be our great gift.

Why? Because it allows us, at any time of our choosing, to produce one of those charged moments that make us feel truly alive. And how do we do that? By simply being ourselves.

I’ll never forget the time, a few weeks ago, when for the first time in my life I appeared in public as myself. Those who’ve done that know the incredible buzz it gives you: such a feeling of liberation! It is a fabulous, magical experience. It’s when you reveal yourself to the world, when you drop all your defences, when you face life squarely and allow it to flow into you in all its fullness.

It’s possible to experience those charged moments in other ways: you can walk out of a job, fall in love, bring home your newborn baby for the first time, or perhaps lose someone you love. We transpeople, though, don’t have to wait for or seek out such moments. We always have the means at hand to create them. A very simple act—being yourself—that you can engage in at any time you wish—and suddenly you feel truly alive. Suddenly the world is filled with magic. Suddenly life is rich, intense, pure. Would cispeople envy us if they could understand this gift of ours?

That’s our burden, that’s our gift, and that’s why it’s beautiful to be trans.

Best wishes, Annabelle