I've been in a bit of a 'dark place' recently.
I've been signed off work with depression & work related stress & just started on anti-depressants. I've had a stressfull 6 months at work. The stress has affected my physical health & I'm exhausted.
The depression stems from a number of issues, one of which is my gender issues.
I'm due to speak to a councillor regarding my stress & depression on Tuesday via a phone consultation before they will see me face to face. I think I need to mention to them about my CD'ing & gender issues, but I'm kinda afraid of where it may lead.
For some time I've felt that I needed to talk to someone I know, other that other CD'ers about how I'm feeling. One of my mates. BUT I've been terrified of how they might react.
I've gone through what I wanted to say over & over again, then chickened out of going around to my best friends to tell him.
This morning I decided that I had to do it for my own sanity.
Again I ran through in my head what I wanted to say & nearly turned around when I drove up to his house.
He welcomed me in & made me a brew. I explained that I was 'having a few issues' & needed to talk to him, as I trusted him.
I chatted about my stress issues at work & how I was depressed & then asked him to re-assure me that what I was discussing with him would stay confidential.
I know he doesn't keep secrets from his wife, so told him that I was happy for him to tell his wife (she was in bed at the time with a hangover ), but she must also keep it confidential.
By this time I was welling up, extremely emotional & on the verge of tears.
It's all a kind of blur & all my carefull planning about what I wanted to say & how I was going to say it went out the window.
I explained that there was 'another side to me' that no one knows about. It's at this point I broke down in tears. I struggled to compose myself & my mate re-assured me not to worry.
I then managed to say "there's another side to me & she's called Carla"!
As I mentioned, it's all pretty much a blur & I can't remember the details, but I looked at my mate & asked him if he was shocked. His reply was "not shocked but suprised".
He explained that he had known of other CD'ers in the past, so it didn't shock him. He did live in London for a while years ago, so the whole being around CD'ers thing wasn't an unusual thing for him, as some of the pubs & clubs he'd been in were CD friendly.
He's a great guy & we've known each other since we were kids. He's very open minded & non-judgemental, which is why I felt that I could tell him about me.
He asked a few questions about Carla & we chatted about my stress & depression & he suggested some ways of managing it.
I explained that after he'd told his wife, if they had any questions they wanted to ask me, they could ask away. It would probably help me to talk about Carla.
He's probably told his wife by now & I appreciate that this is quite a lot of information to dump on them & ask to keep confidential.
I've been there for my mate numerous times in the past & never expected anything in return. That's what mates are for after all.
Perhaps this is going to be him returning a favour.