Told my best mate about Carla.

[Carla Stevens]

I've been in a bit of a 'dark place' recently.
I've been signed off work with depression & work related stress & just started on anti-depressants. I've had a stressfull 6 months at work. The stress has affected my physical health & I'm exhausted.
The depression stems from a number of issues, one of which is my gender issues.
I'm due to speak to a councillor regarding my stress & depression on Tuesday via a phone consultation before they will see me face to face. I think I need to mention to them about my CD'ing & gender issues, but I'm kinda afraid of where it may lead.
For some time I've felt that I needed to talk to someone I know, other that other CD'ers about how I'm feeling. One of my mates. BUT I've been terrified of how they might react.
I've gone through what I wanted to say over & over again, then chickened out of going around to my best friends to tell him.
This morning I decided that I had to do it for my own sanity.
Again I ran through in my head what I wanted to say & nearly turned around when I drove up to his house.
He welcomed me in & made me a brew. I explained that I was 'having a few issues' & needed to talk to him, as I trusted him.
I chatted about my stress issues at work & how I was depressed & then asked him to re-assure me that what I was discussing with him would stay confidential.
I know he doesn't keep secrets from his wife, so told him that I was happy for him to tell his wife (she was in bed at the time with a hangover ), but she must also keep it confidential.
By this time I was welling up, extremely emotional & on the verge of tears.
It's all a kind of blur & all my carefull planning about what I wanted to say & how I was going to say it went out the window.
I explained that there was 'another side to me' that no one knows about. It's at this point I broke down in tears. I struggled to compose myself & my mate re-assured me not to worry.
I then managed to say "there's another side to me & she's called Carla"!
As I mentioned, it's all pretty much a blur & I can't remember the details, but I looked at my mate & asked him if he was shocked. His reply was "not shocked but suprised".
He explained that he had known of other CD'ers in the past, so it didn't shock him. He did live in London for a while years ago, so the whole being around CD'ers thing wasn't an unusual thing for him, as some of the pubs & clubs he'd been in were CD friendly.
He's a great guy & we've known each other since we were kids. He's very open minded & non-judgemental, which is why I felt that I could tell him about me.
He asked a few questions about Carla & we chatted about my stress & depression & he suggested some ways of managing it.
I explained that after he'd told his wife, if they had any questions they wanted to ask me, they could ask away. It would probably help me to talk about Carla.
He's probably told his wife by now & I appreciate that this is quite a lot of information to dump on them & ask to keep confidential.
I've been there for my mate numerous times in the past & never expected anything in return. That's what mates are for after all.
Perhaps this is going to be him returning a favour.

[anastasiafantasia]

Hi Carla,

I just wanted to say a big congrats on getting the guts up to confide in your friend.Rven though, deep down you probably knew he would accept you for who you really are, it is still really difficult i know.

It sounds like he is one of those true, real mates and not just acquaintances and hopefully it sounds like it already has had a bit of a cathartic effect on you allowing you to open the flood gates of built up , concealed emotions.Hopefully now, things can only get better because i suffer from major depression and know how debilitating it can get and the loneliness of it can only exacerbate it.

Congrats again on taking the first steps and you sound like you're really taking proactive, positive steps towards recovering from your depression and a happier you.

Anastasia.

[LunaDarling]

im proud of you carla. i think i speak for everyone when saying i know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. it takes courage to make those first steps into becoming more comfortable with your own feelings and knowing that you took those steps should give you hope for the growth in the future. the only advise i have for you right now, is dont expect too much from your friend now that he knows about carla. it is a very important issue for you right now, but not everyone knows how to counsel a CD friend. baby steps are key with CDing. dont move beyond your comfort zone too fast, but try not to avoid pushing yourself. you are clearly trying and i admire that highly. keep your head up. much love.

[Aloha Jayne]

You were brave to discuss your feelings with your mate. If he's like my friends he was probably more surprised by you breaking down and crying in front of him. But don't fool yourself into thinking that this will be kept confidential, especially if his wife knows. People like to talk......

And you should tell your councilors for sure. Sounds like this is at least a part of the cause of your depression. So if they are going to help they need to know. It will be therapeutic to talk to a non-judgmental person about who you really are.

Hope things get better soon, we're all pulling for you.

[Carla Stevens]

It sounds like he is one of those true, real mates and not just acquaintances
Anastasia.

He is. We've grown up together. He's moved to a different town now as he's married with kids.

the only advise i have for you right now, is dont expect too much from your friend now that he knows about carla. it is a very important issue for you right now, but not everyone knows how to counsel a CD friend. baby steps are key with CDing. dont move beyond your comfort zone too fast, but try not to avoid pushing yourself. you are clearly trying and i admire that highly. keep your head up. much love.

I don't expect too much from him & if & when he wants to, I'll answer any questions from him.

But don't fool yourself into thinking that this will be kept confidential, especially if his wife knows. People like to talk......

I really hope nothing is said. I did remind him that we've both discussed things in the past that we've never passed on. I told him that I don't want to risk loosing friends & family by them finding out. Some of what keeps me going when I feel down is having contact with some of my other friends kids. I love them to bits & the kids love me to bits also. Some people feel threatened by what they don't understand & I'd hate to have my mates think I shouldn't have contact with the kids. At the end of the day, I'm still the same person I was before they found out, but could well react adversly when they know.
If anyone is to learn about Carla, I'd rather it was me that told them when I feel comfortable.
If the news gets out before I tell anyone, I'll know that my trust has been betrayed & I really don't think this will do my state of mind anygood.

[justmetoo]

Congratulations for taking that courageous step! Sounds like a good mate. As for people liking to talk, there are also people who can and will keep a confidence. Best wishes on all of that and on your depression issues and counsellor visit!

[heatherdress]

Good for you, Carla. It was courageous to open up to your friend. Hopefully, you might be able to have further discussions with him and it is positive to know someone who is accepting.

Further, you still need the help of a professional therapist to help with your depression. A good therapist will help you address the issues which a bothering you. Good luck. You can do it!

[bridget thronton]

Glad things went well so far - true friends are like thst

[Kayla C]

Dear Carla…
Yes, that’s what mates are for – I’m sure he will be supportive – but he may need a little time to process what you’ve told him. If he has a trusting relationship with his wife, I’m sure they will keep it confidential. Talking to a counselor will also help – and disclosing your gender concerns is very important. Not all counselors are experts in gender identity issues, but most have some training and are supportive. Like most of us here you are on the transgender spectrum. Accepting this in yourself can be difficult but is necessary – if you don’t accept it how can you expect others to?
Please do know that you are not alone in this. And continue with the antidepressant medications as they really can help.
Hang in there…
Hugs,
Kayla C

[Carla Stevens]

Thanks everyone for you kind words of encouragement.
I've messaged my mate this morning & got a reply. He's told his wife & she is as supportive as he is. They both appreciate what I've told them is in confidence & realise that not everyone might be so understanding.
They've both said that they don't feel any different about me now they know & that I'm welcome in their house anytime.
This really means a lot to me to have them there for me & help me get through this.
I'll tell my councillor everything when I speak to them tomorrow. As it's a phone consultation, I'll take the call on my mobile phone, but will have to leave the house to do so, as I don't want my father to hear the conversation.
I really don't want to burden him with all the sh!t I'm going through as he's got his own health issues & is not getting any younger. He knows about my stress & depression, but not all the details & he certainly doesn't know about Carla.

Again, thanks everyone.

[Carla Stevens]

Well, I had my telephone consultation today.
They asked me a load of questions about what was bothering me. They then asked a series of questions to which I had to score the answers (0 to 3) depending on how deeply I felt about things & how often I thought about things etc.
I told them about my CD'ing & how I was still trying to come to terms with it.
Turns out the telephone conversation is just to assess what type of help I need. They will go away & decide the next step & I'm on a waiting list to speak to someone face to face.
I don't know how long before I see someone, but it's taken 3 weeks to get this telephone appointment.