Is "True Happiness" and a SO possible?

[Erin McShea]

I know that this will not relate to some on this site. But I wonder if this "condition" ever gets better with a SO?
I absolutely love my wife. But I can see that as Erin emerges more and more, things have been getting tougher by the day. In the beginning she was totally supportive. But as I have become more in touch with my fem side, I see her losing her acceptance of Erin. It is really taking a toll on our relationship. And I am torn between the love of my life and what is going on inside of my head. I am at wits end, and don't know how to deal with life anymore.
Does anyone else here know what this torment is like? And,if so,how do you cope?

Erin

[AnneB1nderful]

Hun, I failed and my marriage has fallen apart after 28 years. You are doing the right thing be seeking other's advice in this forum. I can only tell you what NOT to do. Don't hide your feelings fearing she will not accept you. Whether she accepts you or not is not on you. But, lying, deceiving, denying, etc. will definitely not help. At least you recognize where you're going. I refused to accept it. I think that's one of the main reasons my wife left. She knew I was lying to myself and lost respect for me.

[kathtx]

Erin, the only thing I can suggest is to talk to her. There could be so many things going on here but you won't know until the two of you talk. Maybe you're moving too fast for her. Maybe she honestly tried acceptance but it was harder than she expected, at least for now. Maybe she's stressed over something completely unrelated. No way to know without talking to her.

[Ann Thomas]

I'm in the same place as you right now, but in a bit weirder place, as we're separated. It's weird because we've never lived together during our marriage. It's given me lots of chances to grow and explore, being as I've been alone so much. But, now the loneliness is really setting in and I need support and encouragement from those that are supportive of my feminine side. But, that tears me apart in some ways, because of the devastation to the marriage I've endured.

I first met AnneB1derful a couple of days after her wife told her she was seeking a divorce, and it was her first time out in public dressed female. Since then I've watched her open up like a butterfly, and it's been astounding. I think everyone that can be true to themselves can have that happen - Anne is the fourth one I've helped out of their shell in the last couple of months, and they've all flourished.

I myself find that I am far more productive and contributing to society and the world when I am true to myself. I dress female 90% of the time, and it's helped me tremendously. I feel dead when dressed for extended periods of time as male. So, I don't think it's good in the long run to hide. I have to press on, and hope my wife can come along with me. If not, I don't want to think of the consequences, even though many have told me what they will be. It's a hard choice, but one that must be made.

Hope that helps, but I think you might be able to help me as well.

Hugs,
Ann

[Erin McShea]

Thanks for the advise. We talk about Erin a lot. We are both in therapy(separately) about Erin. So I know she loves me and wants it to work as badly as I. But I just don't know what else to do. I really don't want to give up my very happy( yet incomplete without Erin )life without my family.
I have been through a lot of hardship in my life, but nothing compares to my head being pulled in 2 different directions as it is now.

[DebbieL]

Thanks for the advise. We talk about Erin a lot. We are both in therapy(separately) about Erin. So I know she loves me and wants it to work as badly as I. But I just don't know what else to do. I really don't want to give up my very happy( yet incomplete without Erin )life without my family.
I have been through a lot of hardship in my life, but nothing compares to my head being pulled in 2 different directions as it is now.

I have had one marriage that fell through. Ironically, I told her even before we got married, but she loved me and assumed that it was a phase and would pass. We had a lot of other issues and problems around sex, my working too much, and just not being responsible for the marriage and making it work. We loved each other, and we communicated well, but I was transsexual and she was not a lesbian. She had reached the point where Sex was her "least favorite chore", even worse that cleaning the bathroom.

About 2 years after my divorce I did the Landmark Forum and realized that I had played a major role in the failure of that marriage. In the Forum and some seminars that followed, I learned what I needed to do to create a relationship that would work and was sustainable. I even reached a point where my wife said "Why did I divorce you again?" - but she was already married by then. I was in a 16 year relationship that shouldn't have lasted more than 3 weeks (she liked living in the country/mountains and I liked urban NYC lifestyle). And now I'm married again, to a woman who not only knows about Debbie, but really LOVES Debbie, especially when she comes out full femme.

I had to learn to stop thinking of marriage as a 50/50 proposition where I was getting the short end, and start thinking of relationships as I'm 100% responsible for the relationship and whatever I get back is a bonus to be grateful for. When I started expressing that gratitude, I got more back, and the love and affinity is amazing. For almost 28 years, Rex/Debbie has been living a life I love, with lots of wonderful love.

Consider the possibility that Erin needs to become friends with your wife, and maybe even more. Your wife does not know Erin, she only knows her husband, and her husband is not the same as Erin. Erin likes to dress different, but she acts differently, thinks differently, behaves differently, and seems to enjoy life differently.

Imagine that you were meeting your wife for the first time, that you didn't know anything about her, that you really had no idea what she really loved, and that there were hundreds of things that she had never told you about herself and about how she felt about her husband, that she might want to tell Erin. Who in her life does Erin remind your wife of? If Erin reminds your wife of some teen-age girl who was obsessed with looking sexy and pretty, but was mean and cruel to other girls like your wife or your friends, that's something that can be acknowledged, so that she can begin to relate to Erin as Erin instead of some bad memory from Middle School.

What kind of relationship will you wife have with Erin? It's nearly impossible to tell. At the same time, there are parts of her husband that can be part of Erin, and there are parts of your feminine side she might even like better than the masculine aspects or pretenses of her husband.

The time machine is broken, you can't go back and fix the past, but you can stop putting the pain and disappointments of the past into the future as if that was the inevitable outcome.

[Joanne f]

For most people life is a balancing act as only a few can have all they want out of life so you have to make decisions on what is most important to you and go from there , sometimes a little of everything is a lot better than a lot of just one thing .

[Cheryl T]

Communicate!!!!!
If you haven't really then it's time to sit down and talk to her. Openly discuss this and ask the tough questions. Tell her how you perceive things deteriorating and ask if it's really the case or not. Tell her how you feel about her...."the love of your life"....

[Kate Simmons]

A woman needs to be convinced she is an important part of your life for things to work. Divided attention is a big concern to most. You, as a man, have to decide which is more important to you.

[kimdl93]

If you're at risk of losing the love of your life and pushing your fem side beyond her comfort zone, then you need to do a few things. 1 slow down. Don't let your enthusiasm overwhelm her. 2. Talk with her about her feelings and try very hard to respond constructively...don't make it about you. 3. Get some counseling. Often we can lose sight of realities that an objective party sees clearly. A counselor can help you relive the stresses and regain perspective.

[linda allen]

As Kim says, slow down. Take it at her pace. You might need to back off for a while.

Unlike many others here, I introduced my crossdressing to my wife slowly, one thing at a time. Nighrgown, then panties, then bra, then forms, my own blouses, skirts, shoes, a wig, etc. Each time, I judged her reaction and determined whether to go to the next step or just hold it there for a while. It's been about nine months so far and I'm still moving forward. And of course when I need to be male, I am male.

It's up to you to decide if you love your family enough to limit your dressing to what your wife will accept or if you love dressing more than you love her. That's the bottom line.

[Gillian Gigs]

Joanne f
For most people life is a balancing act as only a few can have all they want out of life so you have to make decisions on what is most important to you and go from there , sometimes a little of everything is a lot better than a lot of just one thing .

How true, life is about making choices, and choosing is often more about getting a little of something rather than alot of anything.

Kate Simmons
A woman needs to be convinced she is an important part of your life for things to work. Divided attention is a big concern to most. You, as a man, have to decide which is more important to you.

Couldn't have said it any better.