I think it's all going to be ok!

[Amy Fakley]

This morning the world seems brand new. There's a peace in my heart, like the weight of a thousand mountains has been lifted. I can't even put it into words. The best joys are the ones we don't fully understand, and this is definitely one of them.

Part of it is the weather. I swear, it's like springtime again down here in The South, and right in the middle of this dark, cold, damp, depressing time of year it's just what I needed.

This time last week I felt so helpless. My wife quit her job three years ago when I was first diagnosed with cancer. She gave up a career to get me through that mess, and when we came out the other side, I was cancer-free and still breathing, but we were going broke with a quickness and in the middle of a recession, in a small town with no real job prospects for her. She is not the type of person who is happy being at home, and it's been a stress on her, and by extension our relationship, family, etc.

With Christmas coming, and the bank accounts bone dry, the best I've been able to do is whatever possible to keep my own job, and that's meant bending over backwards, working insane overtime (unpaid, on salary!). Over half my co-workers have been laid off and their IT jobs shipped overseas this year, so when the company says "jump", you gotta do what you gotta do as they say.

The icing on the cake was that I've not been able to dress in months and months. Before this whole episode kicked off three years ago, I used to dress most days while my wife was at work (I work from home, and so -- yeah -- at one time my situation was a CD's dream).

Yes, I know I should come out to her, etc. I've been scolded on this point before, but there are realities of that situation I'm not prepared to face, and I'm more than content for the moment to keep it privately in the closet.

This post is taking longer than I intended to get to the point ... my wife finally found a job. Out of the blue got a call for an interview at the end of last week, and today is her first day.

It seems unbelievable, but I think everything is going to be ok. For the first time in years ... this morning, the world is electric, like the first breath after being in a coma.

I've shared so many frustrations and sorrows with you all. I wanted to share this joy with you all as well. Thanks for reading :-)

[linda allen]

It's great that the cancer is gone, but if you really want to feel peace in your heart, get your dressing out to your wife so you don't feel guilty about it or have to hide it.

Of course, that's assuming that she loves you enough to accept it. I wouldn't just get dolled up and surprise her, I would feel her out and bring it up at her pace.

[kimdl93]

congratulations to both of you!

[Kate Simmons]

I'm happy for you my friend. As we all know, things could be much, much worse. We do well to appreciate our blessings when they come.

[PaulaAnn]

Hi;As a two time survivor of cancer ,I certainly know how you were feeling and the torment both you and your lady went through.So lovely to hear that your wife is now employed and that you are both on your way to brighter future.Well done.
Paula

[Lorileah]

It's great that the cancer is gone, but if you really want to feel peace in your heart, get your dressing out to your wife so you don't feel guilty about it or have to hide it.

I echo the cancer sentiment and I also agree with Linda, but you know what you have to do. Enjoy the happiness. Can I ask though, what are you happier about? The new job and getting some money back? Or the fact you now have her out of the house so you can be clandestine again? You have just gone through two of the major life changing issues you could have. You survived. It is a great day all around for that alone. You have a new lease, a new world, a new you. Your wife has her(a) job again. You can start to relax about finances ( as much as anyone today can relax). Clean slate, new world, new life. Just think about it.

Of course, that's assuming that she loves you enough to accept it.

She quit her job to help care for her. She stayed for 3 years when things were tough. She now is going to work to help the finances. I think that is love.

[Amy Fakley]

I echo the cancer sentiment and I also agree with Linda, but you know what you have to do.

Yeah, I do know what needs to be done. "The talk" has been a long time coming, but it's like ... damn we've been through enough heavy sh*t over the past few years. I just can't bring myself to drop more bombs. I know it's wrong of me to continue my deceit or whatever, but ... I don't know. I just have some faith that eventually the elements of the universe will form a confluence where the time and place will be right for that conversation ... sort of in the same way that things have come together today for my wife.

Can I ask though, what are you happier about? The new job and getting some money back? Or the fact you now have her out of the house so you can be clandestine again?

To be honest, I'm mostly just happy for my wife. She has been so miserable the last couple years. She really never wanted to quit her job, but she just did what had to be done in the situation. Our life was falling apart, and there was just no other way to get through it. When it was all over and she wanted to go back, it was like she was the last one out of the job market and just turned off the lights behind her. There was literally nowhere left to go back to.

Am I happy that I'll get the opportunity to dress regularly again? Hell yes, but it's about more than that.
It's like ... our life took a horrible detour, and now we're almost full circle. Finally, we're almost back where we started and that feels real good :-)

She quit her job to help care for her. She stayed for 3 years when things were tough. She now is going to work to help the finances. I think that is love.

Yes. This!

[Stephanie47]

My wife suffers from depression. From your description of the past three years, it really sounds she had a tough time. Dealing with cancer in the family is not just difficult for the person afflicted, but, also others watching the progression or regression of the illness. Happy to hear you're doing well.

As to the cross dressing issues, I do not suggest unloading your pent up angst of keeping your secret, if it is a secret to her or not. She will have a period of getting up to her new job. The holidays are upon us, and, holidays are usually a time period when suffers of depression suffer the most. To make any unsettling revelations during the holidays would be cruel.

Enjoy your pent up desire to be en femme. However, be sure to don your cute outfits and clean the house, do the laundry, etc while she is at work. I'm sure the inability to express yourself for this period of time was also troubling for your psychological well being.

If you have been married for any appreciable period of time, you should really have some idea how she will react to your cross dressing.

[Beverley Sims]

I certainly hope you are in for a change of fortune.
When you are down you are really down.
I hope the way is up for you now and no reocurrance of cancer.

[jodie k]

ditto with all the happy feelings expressed.

are you sure that telling your wife would be a bomb to her

[heatherdress]

Mfakley - I am glad for you and there is much to be thankful for. Enjoy the holidays. Don't change anything, don't risk anything, enjoy these moments and be thankful and hopeful. Don't worry about material things - don't burden yourself with the extra expense of purchased gifts. Keep these holidays simple. Give simple gifts, from the heart, that you do not have to purchase. Set goals for next year, things will work out, be positive.

[reb.femme]

Hi,

So glad to hear of your changing fortunes and mostly that you got through the cancer. Taken many of my family, my sister bless her, just last December.
I suppose this turn of events could be considered your first and best Christmas present for 2012.

Rebecca

[Barbara Ella]

this is such a wonderful story to share this time of year. I am so glad for you and the cancer, and now for your wife. The dressing is not even an issue for right now, as this will be such a great time of joy for all your family, so don't even think about doing anything for awhile. The time for coming out may or may not come, don't sweat it, you will know when/what is right.

I am so very happy you shared this story. We all need to hear/share some joy together.

Barbara

[Angela Campbell]

I am glad to hear things are better for you. We all have rough times but things do always seem to have a way of working out.