Crossdressing and self-esteem

[Frédérique]

“...but by that time, I was already so lacking in self-esteem”

[SIZE="2"]I came across Marla’s quote (about being a “small” boy) a few weeks ago, just when I was thinking about self-esteem. Hmmm... How does self-esteem fit into this inexplicable thing we call crossdressing? Do we MtF’ers crossdress to gain self-esteem, or are we so naturally imbued with self-esteem that we crossdress? For those who struggle with the urge to crossdress, does CD’ing somehow injure self-esteem, opening up a virtual Pandora’s Box of unrequited desires, not to mention fears? How important is self-esteem, anyway? The world wants us to dress appropriately, while we would just like to get more comfortable with ourselves. The latter is more important, in my estimation...

Esteem is exactly that – estimation of one’s “worth,” or an opinion of someone or something. A person looks at another person, or listens to what they say, or reads what they write, and they make an estimation, or judgment, of their worth. Are you esteemable? Are you held in high esteem? That seems to be the question, but what is the answer? More importantly, do you hold yourself in high esteem? Since we’re all here on this crossdressing discussion forum, I assume that everyone has looked in the mirror at one time or another, forming an opinion or estimation of YOU. Perhaps we like what we see, and MtF crossdressing is just another boy’s adventure, a product of overflowing positive self-esteem. Others may look at their reflection and decide, “This man is worthless,” using crossdressing as a way to generate or bolster self-esteem. It all boils down to believing in yourself, or the “self” that is submerged or subjugated...

Esteem has a lot to do with respectability, and this is where the opinions of outsiders come into play. If you are respectable, you maintain good social status and a good reputation. You may be outwardly decent, honest, and proper, fairly good in overall quality and of moderate excellence. Is it possible to be a crossdresser (MtF variety) and be seen as respectable by society? At this point in time, I mean? I’m not talking about TG individuals who live their lives on the other side of their birth gender 24/7, I’m talking about those males who dress as females (temporarily) now and then for a myriad of reasons. Where I live, I cannot expect to be seen, in my crossdressed state, as someone worthy of esteem or respect. That doesn’t matter to me – I crossdress anyway, going against the grain, causing as little abrasion as possible as I float through life. My self-esteem is intact, thank you, and, in any event, I have my “self” to fall back on...

Respectable, first cousin of esteemable, implies that one is “good enough to be seen.” My mode of dress, meant as it is to allow “passage” through a hostile world, is highly respectable, at least in my estimation! I make myself into a presentation that is OK to look at, i.e. worthy of respect, even though I’m skirting (pardon the pun) the fine line between not being noticed and sticking out like a human anomaly. My self-respect guides me along. I will not give in to fear, even though I may walk alone through the present-day valley of non-acceptable darkness. I estimate my capabilities and sally forth into the unknown, gaining self-esteem with each new experience. In my case, if my self-esteem was not all it should be, I wouldn’t be able to go out the front door. Sometimes I feel vulnerable being a crossdresser, even though I respect the worthiness of the “act” and use it to respect myself. In doing so, I estimate that I’m OK, and all is well, in terms of self-esteem at least...

What about those who have low self-esteem, yet they crossdress? The crossdressing comes about, for one reason or another, and it becomes woven into the proverbial fabric that encloses the soul. “What am I doing?” you might say to yourself, for, in your opinion, you are damaging the person you feel you either should be or could be. I read a lot of CD threads involving open conversation with the self, a glorified auto-wrestling match for all to see – anything less would amount to NO self-esteem in the mind of the afflicted. How can something that nearly everyone says is WRONG somehow contribute to self-esteem? Strange, but true. If you ask me, as long as you can welcome the idea of submission into your daily existence, or crucify doubt, you’ll see the idea of respectability in a whole new light. SHE, or a reasonable facsimile, must emerge, or the end result will be self-injurious. You cannot go by what others feel is esteemable if you are to sooth the spirit within – take it from me...

Perhaps I’m in denial, unable to conform to the acceptable human mold like some shapeless, mindless entity. Maybe self-esteem is, in itself, ephemeral in nature, a mental house of cards meant to keep depression at bay. They (the outsiders) say that I’m not all that I could be, but, in truth, I’m something that few DARE to be – this amounts to a personal philosophy, constructed to allow happiness to emerge and flourish. I suppose how you dress reveals what your level of self-esteem is – if I don’t respect myself, it will show, but, since I DO hold myself in high regard, that shows as well. By my estimation, the path I took many years ago has definitely led me somewhere, but, in the end, I come to that conclusion through self-esteem, not self-deprecation. I may be bent, at least in the view of others, but I’m not bowed. It feels good to crossdress, and my self-esteem couldn’t be better – at least I estimate it to be so...

Getting back to Marla’s quote - when you’re different or don’t “measure up” in some way, or seen to be overly sensitive, especially during childhood, you begin a lifelong quest for self-esteem. Through crossdressing I found what I was looking for, gaining elusive self-respect along the way – in short, I found my true self...

What is your level of self-esteem? Is self-esteem a foregone conclusion, or an ongoing conflict? [/SIZE]

[kimdl93]

Self esteem comes down the road a piece from self hatred, self doubt, self awareness and acceptance. Maybe then one reaches a measure per of self esteem. Through much of my life, I feared and loathed myself for even thinking of wearing women's clothing. Even when the person nearest me was willing to accept it, but I felt contaminated. It took a long time to get past all that. And really, I didn't have the courage to dess completely en femme till I'd attained a measure of self esteem.

[sissystephanie]

I started crossdressing by wearing my sisters panties when I was only 6 years old. When I was in my teen years I started buying and wearing my own female clothes. The only thing I ever feared was being caught wearing those clothes. My late wife fully accepted the fact that I was a crossdresser, and certainly helped me to look fully feminine when I wanted to! My self esteem has reached a point where I now go out in public fully dressed enfemme, but looking like the man that I am. I am a man, but I do like to wear feminine clothes!! So What?? It is my business what I wear, not anybody else's!!

[Soriya]

Your not in denial in all, you are simply embracing a strength matched to none!

Just like my TS friend and all the other TS's out there who despite how society will treat them toss up the middle finger and still be who they are because it's right for them and ONLY them!. Not many people overall are who they really are and wear some sort of mask to 'fit in'. So what if you can't walk out the door dressed, we are playing in a playground currently dictated by someone elses rules so caution and safety should never be forgotten. Balance is the key and you have found that within yourself.

Self esteem is exactly what you see it as, what you believe for you. Nobody's opinion matters. Nobody can make another feel inferior without their consent. It's that simple.

To keep it simple since I have typed it out in other threads. CD'ing for me was a way to feel good about myself because like Marla, I was smaller, late growing and endured major amounts of bullying because my natural emotions more resemble what society says are found only in women. My abuse robbed me of feeling good about myself as I was so I used CD'ing to get in touch with these perceived female emotions. It allowed me to look in the mirror and like what I saw vs. the hatred I saw when looking at myself otherwise because I believed what others said and did to me. I gave them my consent.

Frederique, your posts are always so well written but you know that already. Your insights are thought provoking and many learn from them even if they never respond.

Never change, you are you and that's all that matters.

[Beverley Sims]

Maybe my self esteem has increased over the years
I never really felt I had low self esteem just totally confused in the early years.

[Angela Campbell]

For years I had low self esteem, but not because of dressing, nor as a consequence of dressing. I was less than the other boys. I was smaller, weaker, had no interest in competition, and was less developed physically "down below" than all the other boys. I had interests they did not share, like cooking, sewing, music, playing games and with toys only the girls liked. I was treated as an outcast and often beaten by the boys growing up. As I got older and started to find things I was good at my self respect grew and I am now quite confident in certain areas. Social settings is not one of them. I am very unsettled in any setting with large groups of people, especially if most are males. I am most comfortable in groups of 3 or 4 or less and mostly female at that. For me self-esteem is an ongoing conflict, and always will be because I just don't fit in well in this society.

[TGMarla]

There is no doubt that in the formative years of my early teens, I did suffer from a decided lack of self-esteem. At the same time, I discovered that I greatly enjoyed dressing in the clothes of the other gender. It made me feel good. I didn't do it as some kind of self-flagellation, for punishment. I did it for pleasure. And most often, I wound up pleasuring myself at the end of these little excusions into lady-land. I was caught dressing a couple of times by either of my parents, and those little episodes heaped a great deal of shame on me......more from myself than from the surprised parent. Over the years, I did have many of those discussions with the image in the mirror. Why am I doing this? Am I emasculating myself because I don't feel like a man? It took a very long time for me to accept myself as a MAN who crossdressed, rather than something less than a man BECAUSE I crossdressed. Once that plateau was reached, life became much easier. I saw myself as a crossdresser more than as a frustrated transexual woman. Laying that war to rest was a great relief, and a large burden was then off of my shoulders.

A few years before joining this forum, I finally purchased a reasonably decent wig. I began using makeup more than I ever had. It was then that I began to see that with a little help, I could actually pass (at least on first glance) as a woman. That was actually a great boost to my self-esteem, at least as a crossdresser. I started feeling like I was actually good at this. I began buying my own clothes, and that turned into an actual wardrobe of my own, with clothing that fit me, and that I thought looked good. Now the image in the mirror, sometimes at least, was visually pleasing to me, and I actually felt pretty. Now, when I dress, it has absolutely nothing to do with my own self-respect. It's just something that I enjoy doing, and it makes me feel good to do it. Many others that I've met via this forum, have shown me a great deal of respect for my views, my advice (such that it is), and my overall presentation and look.

So we come to realize, in all walks of life, that in life our self-respect often comes not from within, but from the earned respect of others. It happens in an unconcious way; we do not conciously strive for it. We go about our business, and act as we normally do, whether we are crossdressing or not, living our lives by our learned codes of morals and standards, and we find that others can often hold us in high regard simply by the merits of what they know of us in our interactions. Respect is always earned, whether it's the respect of others or the respect of self. This is one of the rewards of adulthood, I think. The turmoils of childhood and adolescence are finally put to rest, and the peace of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-assurance become the cornerstones and the foundations of a life that is easier and happier to live.

[Gillian Gigs]

Esteem as in worth, or value is a very subjective thing. In North America it appears that money is a great indicator of a person's worth or value. I see "Stars" behaving in ways that someone in the general public wouldn't get away with, why, they have dollar worth/value? Maybe their talent gives them a value by the way they share their talents with others. Does money help them to get people to accept their eccenticities? Look at actors like Charlie Sheen, do people think differently of him than the flat broke guy with the same problem. How about Steven Taylor and the way he has dressed, do people "wink" at his eccentric behavior because of his talent and money?

Quote; "Self esteem is exactly what you see it as, what you believe for you. Nobody's opinion matters. Nobody can make another feel inferior without their consent. It's that simple." The problem is that when we want or desire to "fit in" with everyone else we give up that consent to "fit in". Nobody's opinion should matter, but it does the moment we attempt to become a part of any group of individuals. Groups have a way of getting people to conform!

Quote; "I did suffer from a decided lack of self-esteem. At the same time, I discovered that I greatly enjoyed dressing in the clothes of the other gender. It made me feel good. I didn't do it as some kind of self-flagellation, for punishment. I did it for pleasure. And most often, I wound up pleasuring myself at the end of these little excusions into lady-land." How true, and probably the biggest reason that I still dress is because I enjoy the pleasure of the clothes to this day. For many of us the "closet" door is still firmly closed as we know or believe that the group of individuals that we associate with would not accept our eccentric behavior. Now, if we had something that they esteemed then it might be different, or would it? Gee, another reason to win the lottery, become rich and watch everyone that never looked twice at us wanting to be our friend! I would dress as I pleased knowing that they are just "winking" at my eccentricity while valuing me for the money that is in the bank.

Self-esteem is a confidence and satisfaction in oneself. Many of us might have a greater self-esteem in a dress rather than a shirt and pants, and who am I to say what you should do to esteem yourself? If we lived in a lighthouse at the edge of the world, we could dress as we pleased, and our "society of one" would be very accepting. But we don't live in that lighthouse, we live in a society that wants us to conform to be accepted. Ever notice how the eccentric ones tend to live on the fringe of society? Our self-esteem or lack of it either keeps us in the closet or on the fringe out on the edge alone. This is why we have this and other sites like this one, one group says that CDing is not acceptable, and we don't want their opinion to matter, or cause us to feel inferior. So we join a group that says it is ok to be different, wear those clothes, feel good about yourself, and this does wonders for the self-esteem. Face it we are at cross purposes with general society, not "wrong" purposes, just cross purposes, and they will "play" the esteem card to get us into their purposes whether we like it or not. Don't want to play their game... I hear there is an opening for a lighthouse keeper!

[Carlene]

Freddie, your posts are thoughtful, articulate, and lengthy. Because they are so, it is difficult to respond in a brief yet meaningful manner. Having said this, I would like to address the topic of whether or not self-esteem can be enhanced somewhat by the act of crossdressing.

I believe, for some, crossdressing is the realization (in part) or a representation of who the person in question would choose (his/herself) to be more like. As you said, there are a myriad of reasons why men do this, one of which, I think, is the need to gain self esteem. Perhaps, that is a reason for remaining in the closet. It is difficult to believe in yourself when your behaviour is in violation of accepted norms, even when you know it hurts no one, and in fact, completes ones self. Still, though, there can be a self gratification in the knowledge that one is attempting to emulate that which he/she holds in high esteem. It is very difficult to verbalize, but some crossdressers just sense that it is right for them to be more womanlike, part of which can be achieved through crossdressing.

It seems to follow accordingly that, making this effort (to become more womanlike) assists a male to become more compassionate, less serious (girls just want to have fun), less aggresive, and maybe more loveable.

In any event Freddie, thank you for the post.

Carlene

[NicoleScott]

I don't think about self esteem or lack of it when in girl mode. I'm a part-time dresser, for my own pleasure. It's all illusion and fantasy, where I measure my worth by how good I look (to me). My real self-esteem is in guy mode, where I spend most of my time and in the real world, and it's healthy enough.

[AllyCDTV]

Self esteem is irrelevant. The truth is that we are all in this life together. Everyone and everything is interconnected. No one should feel more or less important than anyone else. Yet there are people that have more of self esteem and some that have less of it. It is easy to blame external influences for the differences in self esteem but in truth, the responsibly of feeling good about yourself lies with the individual. Each one of us is in complete control of how we feel about ourselves. It is up to us to exert that control.

You will always find somebody that will criticize the way you dress, whether you are in a petticoat or camo's. You need to dress the way that you want to. If others think you are wrong, that's their problem. Now the tricky part. What if the way you want to dress does not fit into what you are trying to accomplish at the moment? Then you have to adapt. You aren't gonna sink many jump shots in 5" heels. You aren't gonna close many big sales if you're dressed like a hooker (unless you are an escort and at a major convention LOL). Suppress your urges for the moment to get the job done.

When the day is done, your esteem in the eyes of others will be on what actions you have made to accomplish your goals, not on how you were dressed. The only way dressing should injure your self esteem is if you didn't do all you could in dressing to accomplish your goals. Now let's say are not trying to win the big game or working on a huge sale but trying to fit in as a woman at the shopping mall. Did you do a good job shaving? Is your makeup on right? If not, you blew it. You should not feel good about your efforts. You better go back and do it right the next time. Rather than the world wanting us to dress appropriately, shouldn't we be the ones that want us to dress appropriately?

If someone who is crossdressed looks in the mirror and sees themselves as worthless, it doesn't matter how they are dressed. It is a symptom of another deeper problem. If a crossdresser looks in the mirror and feels they don't look as good as they possibly could, time to change the clothes, wig, make up. . . The goal is not to look like the most beautiful GG in the world but to look the best you can. If there is nothing you can do to improve the way you look to yourself, either stop looking at yourself too hard in the mirror or just enjoy feeling of being dressed like a woman

Who do you want to be respected by? You must respect yourself first. People who care about you and you care about them come next. People you work with come after that. People passing you on the street or "society" in general, do not matter. Unless you're running for political office or want an invitation to the country club, social status does not matter. A good reputation is gained through actions, not the way you dress.

Getting sneered at by teenagers or religious conservatives in not much of a hostile world. If you are frequenting bars on the South Side of Chicago, that is a hostile environment. Best be dressed in Kevlar underwear and have a belt of 12 gauge ammo for that environment.


I'm not sure how low self esteem and crossdressing are related. I believe they are separate issues. The "What am I doing" question could have its basis in a lot of issues. I doubt that "nearly everyone" says crossdressing is wrong. Many would consider it odd maybe eccentric and few mental health professionals would call it wrong. As to how could crossdressing contribute to self esteem, if you feel good about the way you look, if you respond positively to compliments and receive them, that could all contribute to your self esteem. Unfortunately, it could go the other way too if you don't like the way you look or get insulted. Why would somebody with low self esteem that doesn't like how they look or gets insulted still do it? The obvious answer is that they may be masochistic. Then it becomes self-rewarding. Another answer is that they may hope that some day things will go right.

All living things want to be happy. There are plenty of ways to accomplish it. It is good you found a way to do so. I think once you have found your path, self-esteem is a forgone conclusion as long as you stay on the path. Sounds simple enough but it often takes hard work to stay on the path.