15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone

[Janelle_C]

I wish you the best of luck. When I was younger and working and raising kids I tried to push it away but it always came back.I understand the confusion of life living, male, female and the sadness of keeping it a secret. But when I push those feeling away it brings me more sadness. When I express my fem side I feel so good and happy. I'm not out so it is hard to keep my fem side a secret from those I love and care about, and someday I hope to be out. I do wish you all the happiness and peace you can find with your decision. Janelle

[babypete]

Best of luck with finding out the truth behind it all Keep yer chin up! Understanding who you really are inside is very important. As Kelly said if you find Cding is stopping your personal growth then you probably are wise to put it aside.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I had to stop by and give you best wishes on your endeavor. I have recently taken steps on the same journey for similar reasons. This is a hard journey we both are on and many say that it is impossible. I tend to doubt those people. I would like to impart to you a few tips that I've learned.

1. Know why you like to cross-dress. Understanding that can help you quit. It lets you know whether you need it in your life or you can find a substitute for it.

2. Remember why you want to quit constantly visualizing your goals will help you get through those times when it seemed easier to give in.

3. The biggest and best argument for cross-dressing is the quitters worst enemy. The fact that cross-dressing isn't evil, doesn't hurt anyone, and is perfectly harmless is the biggest temptation to return. Just like to a dieter that one cookie isn't going to hurt or to someone quitting smoking that one cigarette will be okay the idea of dressing up for old times sake will be ever present. You will slip. But don't let one cookie become a plate or one cigarette become pack. Always remember why you're quitting and why it is important to you.

4. Try to stay away from activities and things that trigger the desire to cross-dress in you.

5. Try to do activities that take your mind off of cross-dressing.

Cross-dressing is a personal act people do it for themselves if you wish to truly cease cross-dressing then you have to remember you are doing this for yourself and only you can get you through this. Again best of luck

[jsunic_1978]

I don't know why I was so afraid to come out, but Im glad I finally did. The key is, I dont do it everywhere nor co workers know about it. I would just hang at the gun range if your into guns. (not my thing), but you get the drift. Go as a guy, to plays, coffee houses, libraries, book stores. Or go antiquing. I need to take some of this same advise also. The biggest places where well meet like minded people are in the arts. Go as a guy and the time will just happen automatically when to tell. That connection will already be made (understanding you're looking for will flourish) I wouldn't quit CDing all together. Just do all these things I just mentioned in guy mode.

[Meghan]

This one is tough, because 15 years is a good experience base.

The key thing here is that you've recognized that the current state isn't working. Your solution to that problem is an extreme one.

I was at an event on Saturday. We counted no less than 7 known MtF crossdressers there (including me) of a total of about 90 people. Of the 40 males there, 7 represents about 18% of them.

Even though it was a "kink" friendly event, the fact that 18% of the males there were known crossdressers to the community blew me away. That's a huge number.

I am learning the value (and peril) of extending my personal network of people that I reach out to. Overall it's been quite good, I am trying not to let a negative experience overshadow the many positive ones I have enjoyed since I have taken this new approach (for me).

Perhaps you are feeling unfulfilled because you need some external energy that you're not currently getting? Is there a way to expand your personal network? The message board helps, but have you truly engaged with someone on a personal basis who understands what you're about?

Just a thought...

Meghan

[StarrOfDelite]

Walking away and not purging seem to be mutually exclusive.... imho.... like dieting with a big chocolate cake in the fridge?

My grandfather quit smoking cold turkey, and carried a pack of Camels around in his coat pocket for years afterward as a reminder to resist temptation. He died at age 88, at which time he hadn't smoked for 36 years.

Re: The Original Post. I always subscribe to the notion that so long as nobody else gets hurt, and no laws are broken, that a person should follow their own dream. So, best wishes and good luck!

[Stephanie47]

When there is emptiness in life, then it seems we gravitate to that which offers some sort of fulfillment. From your post, if you truly do not have many male clothes, is there a bigger issue? I have found when my life is stressful or unfulfilling I cross dress more. I know I do not pass for a woman, and, I never will. That does not preclude dressing when I have the need. I have other things in my life going for me, family and friends.

I read so many posts of this site of men conflicted about their situations. Sometimes I wonder if cross dressing, which makes them feel comfortable, is not a method to escape reality. I under the concept of a woman trapped in a man's body. That's not me. I have no idea why my stress reliever is being en femme rather than in a bottle or illicit drugs or with 'loose' women.

I would recommend counseling. It seems you may have boxed yourself into a corner with cross dressing, rather than exploring the possibility of a reason for feeling they way you do.

I always suggest a need for balance in life. So many lives and relationships are destroyed by compulsive behavior, whether it is cross dressing or something else.

Moderation, moderation!

[becky77]

I wish you the best of luck, I fear from my own experience that it can't be denied, but I hope if it's what's best for you that it works.

[CINDYO]

if you are single then who cares, do what you want, it is really difficult for awife (if they are honest) so just remain single and have a ball only yourself to keep happy, and from what i have read here, you can never ever ever let this part of your life go. It is like being gay and denying it. It never ever leaves.. apparently

[flatlander_48]

I'm just going to back away from this. There are parts I will miss greatly, but the ability to put this away will give me the confidence to go places I haven't gone in years, like on a date for instance. So much easier not to anticipate a time where I might need to tell, and it may be easier to explain a life I walked away from if I ever feel a need to.

Everyone draws their line in the sand in a different place. It isn't good or bad; right or wrong. It is just what makes sense for that person at that point in time. So, Good Luck to you! If you change your mind at some point, we'll still be here. If not, we'll assume that all went well. Either way, it will be OK.

[Kaz]

You have had some great responses. Just think that this is not an either or... it is an acceptance of who you are, and then how you deal with it.

[Lucy Lou]

I know how it feels to be lonely. But becky, you look wonderful in your pic. Which I know is not apt to this thread but it had to be said. Being lonely is a part of what we all go through. But you cannot change what you are. If it makes you feel good dressing then do it. It is worth it. Best wishes. Lucy

I hope you can do it, but my honest opinion, from someone who has tried so many times to put it away, i think it will come back. There is a real head screw up cross dressing but it is something that if you have to do it you will.

Sorry for not telling you that it is OK to stop because I think that you will probably come back. Be what you think you have to be but, if you come back it is OK. Lots of love Lucy

[drushin703]

Good luck to you Girley. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't/ I have never tried to quit crossdressing and, god forbid, never want to get to a point
in this lonely life where I want to. But time on this planet is short so make the best of your personal situation while you have the chance. For me personally
I have too much invested to turn back now; too much emotion, too much money, too much secrecy, (too little nail polish remover left), too many unworn outfits,
too many five inch heels to learn to walk in and way too many present and future good times to look foward to. But if quiting brings you happiness and
greater interpersonal relationships, you are so brave to really want it.

Just keep in mind, the grass isn't always greener, sex with women is overrated and genies rarely go back in bottles....lol, dana

[Kyla]

...you cannot change what you are.

I agree. You're probably just going to wind up in a relationship with a women and you're going to be living a lie because those desires are still going to be there.

[Jamie Ann]

I finally realized this doesn't work for me, and that it is time to back out slowly. I've never tried to pass and haven't come out intentionally to anyone but one close female friend. So glad for that, anyone who never asked while they had a chance will probably never get that chance. Time to put the genie back in the bottle, I'm a guy and would rather live as one.

I think I can turn back. The pain and confusion of living a life I can't share has finally come to a screeching halt, though. I don't see myself purging, that would be difficult because I don't have anything truly male to wear. There will also be issues with things like underwear and such. I don't really like boxers, briefs or going commando. I was able to get where I am now, and can only hope I somehow managed to leave a trail of bread crumbs so I can find my way back.

Your title, “15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone” (a negative commentary on crossdressing), suggests to me that you may have an agenda. I wish anyone well in finding themselves and living authentically. If I have misunderstood your attitude, then I apologize. But I have to say that I question whether anyone who has crossdressed for 15 years is going to suddently decide that the feelings are gone and that they will not ever return to crossdressing. There is a growing body of scienctific evidence that “feelings” about one’s gender identity are rooted in neurology. You cannot change your neurological structure — the pattern of high and low density areas of you brain — simply by making a decision. The obvious question is whether you have been faking it for 15 years or whether you are engaging in wishful thinking now. You have some additional questions to answer. You should at the very least think about them more than you have.

I hope that you will respond to my doubts. There are right-wing religious and political groups that would say much what you have said. Are they right, or are you in a temporary period where social pressures mean more than being yourself?

[ReineD]

Your title, “15 years of CDing has left me empty and alone” (a negative commentary on crossdressing), suggests to me that you may have an agenda.

It's odd, I got a different impression from the OP's words. There was an absence of detail, but I took it that the OP isolated in order to dress, which in turn caused a lonely existence. I've read countless threads here from CDers whose worlds eventually shrink. The circle of friends diminish, they cease to find pleasure in other, non-CDing activities, their social lives become non-existant, all because they do not know how to achieve balance and put it all into perspective. This has got to be old after awhile. And I'm not talking about transsexuals here, strictly CDers.

[JohnnieCD]

I have to agree...CDing without real support is a lonely way through life...been tired of the loneliness myself...totally understand.
Hiding just sucks, coming out and the unknowns are horrifying....

Clothes don't make the man or woman....they get you by...but when you think about it....what is REALLY important at the end of the day?

[Carrie R]

I understand, but even without my CDing I am terrible at social activities. I work, go to church, and sleep and that is about it. Should be able to afford to get out more soon, but still I just don't know how to meet women. Shyness stinks. Better than I used to be I suppose, I lurked here for years before joining.

[NitaCD]

My feelings exactly! Kaz, I think your one sentance post has got it exactly right. It's not an either or question. We must accept who we are before we can even think about how to deal with it.

[Diversity]

Hi Girlygirly,
I am happy for you in that you appear to have gained significantly through this forum, and you have come to a realization as to who you really are. This is what it is all about for all of us on this forum. We are all here, I believe, to learn about our inner self. You are indeed fortunate to have seemingly found out about you. I wish you well on your return journey, and hope you continue to find the inner peace within, along the way.
Kind regards,
Di

[Robbin_Sinclair]

The part about having just too many things to wear hits home. Beyond community theater my first experience with the concept of truly dressing up and feeling as a woman was buying a pair of running shoes, of all things. I wanted a shoe that was small and very light. Footlocker had it...in many colors. I bought the black one with those little quarter socks.

That was the tipping point. The manly presence in me always compelled me to buy manly long socks. Wearing those little light shoes and the socks changed my whole conception of how I walked and felt. I played around in my head how it really felt to be a woman. I thought about my gait and how the shadow looked. It took me back Day One. Now I remember the family joke about how my mother bought me ballet slippers when I was born. A Something long forgotten. I've always been a little different, haven't you...Robbin?

What will happen? Not sure, but now I just know that wearing that stuff is a thrill in a time of my life when there aren't many out there for me. I agonize about the wait for my two new clothing orders (and the god awful bill) coming in the mail. My first real bra. First real heels. Little things in the bra. Such a newbe am I.

Our town is too small for counseling. That's too bad. xr

Good luck to you Girley. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't/ I have never tried to quit crossdressing and, god forbid, never want to get to a point
in this lonely life where I want to. But time on this planet is short so make the best of your personal situation while you have the chance. For me personally
I have too much invested to turn back now; too much emotion, too much money, too much secrecy, (too little nail polish remover left), too many unworn outfits,
too many five inch heels to learn to walk in and way too many present and future good times to look foward to. But if quiting brings you happiness and
greater interpersonal relationships, you are so brave to really want it.

Just keep in mind, the grass isn't always greener, sex with women is overrated and genies rarely go back in bottles....lol, dana

[Jamie Ann]

The problem with blaming crossdressing for one's loneliness is that we all have the option of going out and seeing others. If we can do that while crossdressed, that is wonderful. If we can't find others to socialize with us when we are crossdressed, then we can always go to work and be productive, go to concerts, go to church, go help at the Salvation Army or other charities, go to the health club, etc., etc. Clearly, people can get depressed for understandable reasons (loss of a loved one or whatever); and perhaps it is human nature to blame some scapegoat for how one feels. But my impression is that most of those who say, in effect, "Crossdressing has ruined my life!" are either in a temporary funk and will get over it in a few days or are coming from some group or organization that doesn't like crossdressing. The American Family Association (AFA), for instance, writes about transgender persons as if they are akin to pedophiles and schizophrenics. Unfortunately, those groups are out there. I have seen posts on this website that have the same usernames as regulars at http://healingcd.wordpress.com/, a religiously based anti-crossdressing site that rests on the premise that God detests anyone who messes with gender.

At the very least, contributors here (if they are going to make negative comments about what this site supposedly is about) should be very specific about why they are feeling bad and how they think that stems from crossdressing. Then others might be able to offer constructive suggestions. Last but not least, crossdressers always have the option of joining crossdresser support groups, which exist in any fairly large city in the US and probably in countries around the world. Monthly meetings give them the opportunity to crossdress and to share ideas with others who are sympathetic. There is no need to be lonely.

[jsunic_1978]

PATR TIME GIG AT A RESTAURANT.. Even if its just weekends. IT'S THE BEST SOCIAL ATMOSPHERE IN GUY MODE. For those of us that do go out dressed cross dressed, a clothing store will be the best gig. I have yet to see a male associate at a woman's clothing store, but dressed, lets apply they don't have to know if were straight, gay etc..

I don't see why we would want to stop dressing, especially we are not bad people nor pedophiles (most of us) Often, females I encounter encourage this. Dating however, well, in reality, in guy mode, we have to go to areas where we haven't cross dressed. Most importantly is to get right with our selves for whom of us that are still single. dressing in public. is helping me overcome my shyness. that circle and network of supporting friends has to be built first.

I think my dressing is also an alternative along with my shoe fetish as women's clothing and shoes are objects to be enjoyed sexually. Even for most traditional people, if one is just stuck in a rut, then nothing really gets accomplished.

[Cheryl T]

Thanks to all who post here, I really have learned a great deal from all of you. I probably will be back to visit from time to time. I also realize that many find a way to make it all work for them, but I don't think I will ever be able to get there.

How many times I said that over the years...and here I am, finally out, going out and loving life again.
15 years?? Try 55 years...45 before I accepted myself and realized this is who I am and not what I do....

Good luck...

[jsunic_1978]

im STARTING TO SHOP AT THE FEMALE STORES AS A GUY ALSO, stores i usually go en fem. I think ill have a couple of offers really soon as just new friends at least.