I really want to tell my wife about me CDing, but I do not know if it the right thing to do. Do I also give her this burden? What if she cannot handle it? I am sure this question has been posed ad nasuem on this board...but I am new to this board and CDing and I feel so completely lost and torn.
I think it would be better to be honest and upfront with it than wait until you get caught (and you eventually will). I wish I would have been honest with my wife from the start.
Straight, full-time crossdresser. I've always known this was something that I wanted/needed to do but suppressed it while I was married. Now that I'm going through a divorce it's time to go all out!
I would much rather her here it from me than her find out. I DO in fact feel like I am cheating on her just by lying.
Secrets get harder to keep the longer they are kept around. Better to deal with this situation sooner than later.
I like myself, regardless of the packaging that I may come in! It's what is on the inside of the package that counts!
Indeed, this is a great debate here. Many, many guys struggle with this. However, I think using the excuse of "it's a burden on her" is a total cop out. Yes, it's a burden but that is not why you are afraid to tell her. Those of us that have come out to our wives felt the same fear you have now: will I lose her?
This is where I give the same advice: if your marriage has a solid foundation, you two can get past this. She may not want to participate or ever see you but her main complaint will be "you lied to me all this time." We cross dressers don't see it as a lie, rather we think it is just the secret we have always had, but it is a lie. She'll be upset about that. Prepare yourself for that. I kept my cross dressing from my wife for 20 years. She empathized with why I kept the secret. I was lucky.
Honesty is always the best policy. I can tell you that if you come out, you will be euphoric. The weight of the secret is the real burden.
In my signature is how I came out to my wife.
I am honestly not afraid of losing my wife. Seriously not afraid. I know how strong our relationship is and this is truly the ONLY thing I have ever kept from her. She WILL struggle with it, only because my persona is a big, tough Guy...but it hurts me to know I will hurt her. It isn't hurting her now...and that brings me back to my original question:
Is it fair to her? Shouldn't I work this out and be able to present it to her rationally? I don't know if I ever will truly understand it myself.
Honestly, You should tell her. The longer you keep it from her the more hurt she will be. She will hurt not because you kept it from her but because you did not "trust" her with it sooner.
This is much easier then. What's to work out? You like to wear women's clothes and sometimes portray a woman in the real world. It's not much more rational than that, unfortunately. She will not understand it but she may be able to deal with it. And yes, it is fair to tell her. It will hurt her regardless of when you tell her.Originally Posted by Sophia Frances
Hi! I know you are trying to be fair to your wife by not having her have to live with the knowledge that her husband does something strange. But weigh that against her finding out, and her realizing that you've been hiding a huge part of yourself from her for years and years. Betrayal hurts a lot more and takes a lot more out of a person than coming clean.
The lesser of two evils, is you telling her, on your terms, taking the high road so to speak. Her finding out automatically puts you on the defensive from a very low position.
You have two psyche, and the big burly man is not going away unless you both want it to. You may chip away at the image a bit, but if it is gradual enough and with consent, it is workable. I wish you the best when you do tell her. Only you can know the right time, and there are a wealth of threads here on how to do it, that have been useful in the past
Barbara
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
Well I'm right there in that boat with you, Sophia. Still haven't told my wife, and I don't know what to do either.
If you read enough threads here, you might begin to get the impression that this coming out business is the mandatory right thing to do and that your wife will be understanding, but you'll have a lot of talking to do yadda yadda. Those are the success stories. There are a few of them here. If you look for them, you'll also find a few horror stories. This doesn't always go well, and I sometimes wonder at all the good intentioned "come out to her now, you go girl!" encouragement.
This is serious business. Once you do it, there is no going back. For the rest of your life this is going to be a thing. In every disagreement, in every argument, in the back of your wife's mind when you're at home alone, etc, etc. Once it's out, it's out, and as potential out-ee's I think it's important that we really think through the implications and prepare ourselves for the reality of the situation, before we spill everything.
It's true that there's a "sooner or later you'll be found out" element to this. It's also true that holding this dreadful secret so near the surface takes it's toll.
Like I said, I don't know what to do either. I know and want to come out to my wife, and I want to stop having to carry this weight around.
But there are realities of that situation that keep me up at night ... and in my closet for now.
best of luck to you sista! I know exactly where you're at 'cause I'm there too :-)
"Why shouldn't art be pretty? There are enough unpleasant things in the world." -Pierre-Auguste Renoir
My feeling on this is if you never told you wife, kept it a secret for ever [I think it is possible based on things I have experienced myself] then she never gets hurt and you keep the marriage going. [Although in your case that is not an issue you say]
I am not saying I am right but I would be amazed if there are not lots of members here that never will tell the wives.
I think that Mfakely said it well. I agree that it is best that she knows. If she doesn't like it and wants out, at least you have given her the opportunity to make her own decision on something that may be so important to the long term happiness of your relationship. Yes, a strong relationship improves the odds for some type of tolerance on her part and maybe even acceptance, but that is definitely not a given for anyone. I also have read many coming out stories that ended in disaster when the one coming out thought that they understood the other party well enough to risk some initial trouble, always hoping for the best.
I cannot tell to you what to do since only you know your own situation, No one, and I mean not one single member knows your unique situation unless that person is your SO and a member here. So, get all this recommendations, sort through them, think about it and then make your decision. I do wish you the best of luck whatever you decide, and, you are still OK by me if you decide not to tell.
There is a saying, "honesty will set you free." I know there are no two circumstances that are the same but being honest is very important. If your wife truly loves you she will accept you for everything u are.
the only limit that u set, is the one u set yourself.
Let's examine this. Have you actually lied to her, telling her something that is not true, or have you committed the "sin of omission" by not telling her about this part of you?
If it is the latter you can at least feel a bit better about yourself.
In either case, when you do tell her about this part of you it will make you feel better. It won't be easy and there will be some emotional ups and downs, but in the long run your relationship will be the stronger for it.
Remember, your wife is your partner, not an adversary. If you tell her "Dear, there's something that has been bothering me..." she will be concerned and will want to help you if she can.
There is plenty of advice in the archives and stickies about how to tell one's spouse. Take your time, read it all, and decide how you want to go about it. The only advice I have is to start the conversation when you will have several uninterrupted hours to discuss the issue. You won't resolve everything in just a few hours, but it will make a good start.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Whatever you deceide, Sophie, be careful. Reactions to news of this vary, and sometimes this is enough to really hurt what is otherwise a good marriage. And you're right to worry about bringing her into the closet if you are stepping out of it. Very difficult decision for you, but you do know her better than anyone, so do what you think is right.
Yea you're right, this is a very sensitive issue and you will have to make that choice. In general, I've heard it goes one of two ways, although there are really an infinite number of combinations of these two extremes. You tell her and she's understanding, not at first but later...and the two of you go on your merry way together... The other, is you tell her and she wants nothing to do with it and she sends you packing. The later is my fear, as we live in a rather comfortable lifestyle with a big house and all. If she sends me packing, I end up at some two bit hotel with everything I want to wear for the rest of my life....
I just wish there was a way to find out the answer without asking the question.
Renne.....
Its unfair to hide this part of yourself from her. The right thing is to inform yourself, prepare yourself for the conversation(s) and begin the process of coming out to your wife. You are at much greater risk if she discovers this by accident. And you need to be able to talk freely...don't start the conversation and then clam up when you feel embarrassed or shy. And, always, always, keep the conversation's focus on her feelings, her fears, her concerns...not yours.
You see, telling isn't easy. But it beats the alternative of being accidentally outed. Honesty is the best way to go, imho.
Hi Sophia,
I crossed over this bridge a few months ago with my wife. We have been married for well over 30+ years. I was really glad I told her, as it took a huge burden off my shoulders. Also, she told me she was glad I told her, as she did not want to find out about it accidently. If you have a good relationship, then tell your wife. Be honest, and open and find a time when you both can share your feelings without interruption.
It will most likely be a surprise to her, and you need to let her know and seriously impress upon her that you are still the man you were when you married her. You are just expressing the feminine side of your personality. You are not in competition with her and she is still the love of your life.
This forum is a great sounding board, so feel free to 'talk' with us all, should you need to do so.
Good luck!
Di
I do suppose it's possible to keep this from your wife forever. I tried to be so careful yet she found my stash 3 times. You never know when she will decide to look some-place she has never been before. In my case it helped a little that I had told her before we got married. Unfortunately it was understood that I was stopping.
Again I suppose it is possible that she will never find out, but if she ever did it will be much worse and more hurtful to her than if you came out and told her on your own. It may go well then again it may not, one can never completely know the spouses response. But I am still of the opinion that good or bad it will still be better to have told her than for her to find out any other way.
AnitaH
I am becoming a butterfly emerging from a cocoon, I am ready to spread my wings, I have found my voice again for I am holding my head high and I am taking my power back.
“It is never too late to become what you might have been.” ~ George Eliot
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Read all the threads on this board ad nauseam and other salient advice in this thread.
It is best to tell her at sometime so as you can sort your lives out for the future.
I wish you all the best.
Work on your elegance,
and beauty will follow.
Based on what you have said about your relationship with your wife, I think that you would be doing her a favor to tell her, opposed to her finding out on her own.
There are some good threads on the forum to give you some ideas about telling her, if you are interested.
Dana Ryan
Then there's your answer.
If you feel even a modicum of guilt it will show through. She will sense and misread it, and imagine all sorts of things that are not true, for example that you are having an affair, or perhaps that you are falling out of love with her. If the silence continues between the two of you and her own "filling in the blanks" builds up, you risk creating a rift that will be very difficult to overcome later in your life when she does discover your stash.
How often do you CD now?
Reine
I have only CD'd a couple of times. This is all very new to me...and I think that is an issue. I barely understand it myself.
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