Is it fair?

[Tashee]

I can so relate--(as I stated in another thread).
The Big Tough Guy....Yes.yes, I too worrried about this..
To make this short-I will split this in two--
#1--Most of us don't realise at the time that is is right and proper to let anyone we are serious with in on just whom we are inside and out. As we of course would wish to know the 20/20 about our partner--Not be wooow wth?
#2--The big tough Guy...This you will always be--As you say you are that part of you does not diminish by what you do at times--
This fear is Ego--When I really looked deep into me--I was actually (worried) how people would view me---As This at the time was my steering mech of how I would see mysellf---
I rightly rid this ego part of me to the best of my ability. Trust me it never goes ez-
Once I knew whom I was and was quite comfy with this---I stopped the insanity of getting my self image from others--

I am-You are we all are who and what we think--Not what our parents think mates, nor partners--Our identity all identity belongs to the person.
We were all programmed to see ((so called normal)) from those around us whom gauged ((normal) as what society is doing-Sigh!

"Now as I see it society is sick today---So I dunno if in those terms I would wish to be a well adjusted person"----

The quote stolen from==











“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
― Jiddu Krishnamurti

[Claire Cook]

Sophia,

Is it fair? I think the answer to your question is pretty obvious: it certainly isn't fair to her.

I have only CD'd a couple of times. This is all very new to me...and I think that is an issue. I barely understand it myself.

Maybe this is all the more reason to tell her now? From what you've said, your relationship seems to be on a solid footing, and you can both start to deal with the situation together.

[Cindi Johnson]

To be fair, you would need to ask our spouses also. Now you are getting a lot of feedback from those who've had a burden lifted from their shoulders, and none from those who've had a great sadness/disappointment added to lives.

IMHO, there's a lot of "if's" to weigh.

IF you are reasonably certain that you will be able to conceal and control your crossdressing forever, then maybe you don't want to tell her, UNLESS you are young and haven't had kids yet. If that is the case, tell her. Give her a chance to start over with someone else. Once you have kids together you are a team for at least 18 years. She has a right to know the truth about the father of her kids before those kids are created.

But in truth, you may well not be able to control your crossdressing. Once you start going out and realizing how much better you feel as a female, you've crossed the Rubicon, so to speak.

I told my wife a year or so after we married. It hurt her greatly. It did not help me at all, it just hurt her. She didn't deserve that.

[TGMarla]

I never told mine. And she found out. And it was rather ugly. That was many years ago, and it all went undercover. It descended into this "don't ask - don't tell - don't even discuss it" kind of thing. Now I have an overwhelming need to disclose it all with her again, and I'm struggling to find the right time and the right words. They say nothing in this life worth having is easy. Certainly, this is hard. I understand your struggle here, as I'm having the same one.

[Ms. Laura]

I have to agree with those who advise that you will, in all likelihood, be found out. It's just a matter of time. Secrets fester, and as was mentioned, she will misconstrue your behavior as indicating something else, like an affair,etc.

I wish you good luck whatever you decide.

[ReineD]

I have only CD'd a couple of times. This is all very new to me...and I think that is an issue. I barely understand it myself.

One of the biggest sticking points with most GGs, is the feeling of having been lied to when they find out, if the CDing has developed quite a bit. If you're just starting out then you can avoid that future pitfall by developing the CDing with your wife's knowledge.

If you are not sure whether to tell her or not, I have to ask why. Most times it is because the CDer is unwilling to stop and so he does not want to chance telling a wife only to have her put the breaks on it. So the reasons to not tell are rather self-serving. The way around this is to realize that this is a part of you and to tell your wife from the onset that you do need to explore this, and not dressing is not an option for you, even if she disapproves. If she does not want to be involved you can respect her wishes but negotiate times when you can express yourself and encourage an atmosphere of open communication about this. She will need time to learn what this is all about and she will also need to deconstruct her prior definitions of gender.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I never told mine. And she found out. And it was rather ugly. That was many years ago, and it all went undercover. It descended into this "don't ask - don't tell - don't even discuss it" kind of thing. Now I have an overwhelming need to disclose it all with her again, and I'm struggling to find the right time and the right words. They say nothing in this life worth having is easy. Certainly, this is hard. I understand your struggle here, as I'm having the same one.

Pretty much the same with me. Except that I did tell her again. There are just some things that don't fall under the "Don't ask; don't tell' paradigm. Mainly, for me, it's that I can't be "Out and About" without violating the DADT rule.

If I want to go "out and about" and return later than normal (like past 8:30 PM), I feel that I should tell my wife what I'm doing and when I expect to return. I used to develop some elaborate cover story (read lie) which would explain when I was planning to return but not what I was doing. Once, I even developed a cover story for being out of town, All the lying to implement the cover up felt like cheating. I finally asked for permission to go to Keystone (Transgender) Conference and was given permission. I subsequently asked for permission to go out locally, and sometimes I got permission but other times not. No matter what, I always get a hard time about it. Last time out I got caught again and it wasn't pretty again.

Sometime I wonder if the advocates for telling your wife are the ones who succeeded in telling their wives with faforable results. And vice versa, Those who advocate telling a lie got burned by telling the truth. In my case, the jury is still out.

Just don't forget that you will eventually get caught. If not in your lifetime, when she finds your stash after you predecease her. I think that would be the worst, beacuse she can no longer confront you and will probably never know the truth.

[pernille d]

intersting . i was caught up in this a few years back with the same question , i felt that it was my problem and if i told my wife it would be a great weing lifted from my sholders but was i infact only lifting it off my shoulders and placing it on hers .the answer to that is yes and that is something you need to de aware of. many years i pondered the fact should i tell or should i keep it to my self , and guess what i got outed after 20 + years with my wife .The clothing was an issue but the main issue was trust and the the fact that she felt she could not trust me any more .

its a hard call that you are the only one that can make !!!!!! but like everyone says its best to get it out in the open as take it from me it will slowly eat you up from the inside, i regret i did not tell eariler as it would have made life for us both maybe easier . i only wished i had had this forum when i was in my teens as my life would have ben very different as there is a wealth of experience here , just waiting to be read/ used just dont go and make the wrong choice only to look back in many years to to regert it , its just simply better you get it in the open now,

[Amy Fakley]

Most times it is because the CDer is unwilling to stop and so he does not want to chance telling a wife only to have her put the breaks on it.

About all I can say to that is that it doesn't jive with my experience in the slightest.

Cossdressing is not like smoking crack. I don't think it's fair to paint those of us who choose not to tell or to take our sweet time figuring things out before we do, as procrastinating for fear of not being able to do it anymore. I can do with out it if I have to ... now long term ... going with out it is unpleasant, and as I've come to understand and accept that this is part of my innate nature, and not a desire that will ever really go away, that is something to consider.

However, while it's safe to say that I'm motivated by many different types of fear, losing the ability to crossdress in the near/short term isn't even remotely among them. I suspect that's probably true for many of us.

It's more like this: today I do this thing in secret because I just do (I don't know why), but otherwise my life is pretty much ok. I can tell that secret, and there's a damn good chance my entire life will then go to hell. Along with my children's lives, and my previously mostly happy marriage. On the other hand if I tell and things go well, I might find acceptance, and i might get to crossdress more, and I won't have to deal with carrying this secret around anymore. Also I might not have a choice ... someone may just find me out, and that will be a whole other level of mess to deal with.

Do the potential benefits outweigh the potential risks (to everyone, not just me)?
That is the crappy calculus we who find ourselves in this situation have to do, and it just stinks ...

Hindsight is a *******.
If I'd had the clarity I have now at 38 back when I was 22 and getting married ... yeah ... things would have been different.
I know I'm not the only one in that club around here.

Anyhow. I just wanted to advocate for this position. It's not a popular one, I know ... but I do think it can be a reasonable one, depending on your situation.

[CINDYO]

you know your wife and you say your relationship is strong, so too is ours, however I truly wish I had never ever been told, never found out. I was not told prior to the marriage, and I wish i had not been told 27 years into what i thought was a totally honest relationship. we are together, i love him but how in the world can a revelation of this nature not shake a partner to the core,question everything about a partner who she thought she knew so well, not to mention the insecurities that it brings, the lost of trust, the what if`s, what about tomorrow, what about next wk, next year, what is he doing when I am away, what it it that he really wants and on and on and on in a wife`s mind. really really think about it first

[Bo-peep]

Because it is early days for you and you are feeling confused and don't really understand it yourself, I think it is an ideal time to confide in your wife and seek her support. You can explain to her that you love her and that the fact you like to wear womens clothes does not change how you feel about her. You are going through a multitude of emotions just now and I think that being able to be open with your wife will make your life complete. You do, however, need to be very loving and very understanding if she gets upset.
My boyfriend broached the subject in a joking way ... but mentioned it a couple more times, I think, to gauge my reaction. I am not hurt nor angry nor disgusted nor ashamed.... I admire him for his honesty and I am honoured that he felt he trusted me enough to tell me.
I am anxious. I worry that he may at some point want to take it further ... I have a million questions buzzing in my head (hence my joining this site) but I am trying my best to understand and be supportive.
Relationships fail for many reasons; if a partner finds something unacceptable (be it drinking, football, laziness, infidelity) then they can choose to end the relationship. I hope your wife will accept what you do and that you will have a strong and loving future together.

[Sophia Frances]

but was i infact only lifting it off my shoulders and placing it on hers .

This is how I feel to be frank. I feel by telling her I am only making myself feel better...and perhaps for a short period of time. This is a dilemma that I am just starting to deal with. Sure in a perfect world I would want my wife to deal with it with me...and I am sure 99.99% of problems she would want to deal with me too...but;

you know your wife and you say your relationship is strong, so too is ours, however I truly wish I had never ever been told, never found out. I was not told prior to the marriage, and I wish i had not been told 27 years into what i thought was a totally honest relationship. we are together, i love him but how in the world can a revelation of this nature not shake a partner to the core,question everything about a partner who she thought she knew so well, not to mention the insecurities that it brings, the lost of trust, the what if`s, what about tomorrow, what about next wk, next year, what is he doing when I am away, what it it that he really wants and on and on and on in a wife`s mind. really really think about it first

I do not want my wife feeling this way. Not because of my ego, not because she may think Im gay...but because of what it will do to her. I love HER much more than anything else in this world and I don't want to ever hurt her.

You have to understand...and many of you have alluded to this...my relationship with my wife is just that....mine. It is unique. On our 3rd date I knew I wanted to marry her and I proceeded to tell her every dark and dirty secret about me, my family, and my friends. I divulged every ugly thing I had ever done. i scared the crap out of her...but I told her all of these things because I said to her that I wanted a future with her and if she ALL the was to know about me and still went forward:
A) Nothing would ever surprise her (I did have a storied and torrid history with women...and my family is not conventional)
B) We both had a clean slate moving forward together
C) Moving forward no matter how ugly...we share everything

I am not sharing this and it is killing ME...Important piece here...it is killing ME, not her. This would be the first piece of information I didn't share...even immediately...with my wife and it bothers me. By telling her am I relieve my "not telling" guilt, only to place the burden as to "What Now" on her shoulders? Shouldn't I know "What Now?"

[kimdl93]

You may convince yourself that hiding this from her is noble sacrifice on your part, but the reality is that not telling her is only wishful thinking. Ask how she will feel if, and more likely when she finds out on her own. Will that be better? Not likely.

If she can't take the truth from your lips, then imagine how she might react if she,believes you deliberately hid this as long as you could. Good luck.

[Grace85]

When my boyfriend told me he wanted to wear women's clothes, he was in a similar place as you are - just starting out, confused himself, hadn't cross-dressed very many times. In the weeks leading up to this revelation he was acting all sorts of weird. He'd been encouraging me to expand my wardrobe and try clothes outside my usual style (in hindsight, he was trying to live vicariously.) He was also moody and cranky, and seemed a bit like he was pulling away sometimes. A week before he told me, we'd had a conversation about his weird mood of late, and he said something that made me think he was doubting our relationship and falling out of love with me. I spent the week an emotional wreck, so in some ways it was a relief when he told me about crossdressing - better than the alternative I'd been worried about. It hasn't been an easy time, dealing with it, and having an SO who's still working out his own reasons for why he does it and answering questions presents its own challenges...some days neither of us can make sense of anything. But I'd take those challenges over being lied to (and hiding a big secret is just as much a lie as not telling the truth) any day. It's been over a year since he told me, and our relationship is stronger for it. Now we're shopping for rings. We still have our rough days, especially when we talk about new steps or things he wants to try. It's not easy, but, being able to cope together makes it easier. And if he'd waited and lied to me for months or years, it'd be a lot harder to cope together.

If you are trying to work out your feelings around this, and are feeling guilty about not telling your wife...she is going to notice. It's impossible to hide the fact that SOMETHING is up. And our minds will usually fill in worst-case scenarios. THAT isn't fair to your wife. Now is the best time to tell her, before it goes farther and while you still have honesty on your side. You have an opportunity to give her a rare gift - a relationship with a cross dresser that's not fraught with trust issues. Yes, it's hard. Cross-dressing is not an easy thing to deal with in a relationship. But secrets and dishonesty are harder. So take some time to read the advice on the forums, consider some initial answers to likely questions (for me, the biggest ones were "Why do you do it/want to do it?" and "Do you want to/Do you think you'll someday want to transition or live full-time as a woman?") The reality is that she may decide to end your relationship...but regardless of what she decides, it's her decision to make - hiding it from her takes that decision away. It's not fair for you to decide for her. But she also may not. She may be okay with you doing it as long as she doesn't see or partake in it; she may be fully supportive and encouraging, or anywhere in between. Answer her questions as best you can, let her know you're still trying to understand it yourself and as you work through it you will eventually have better, more coherent explanations for her, and give her the time, space and support to deal with it as she needs to.

[Ann Louise]

Sophia,

Having come out to my wife only last Saturday (no kidding), I may understand how you feel. May I suggest you consider the approach I took? I'd been in the closet (wow, there's a double entendre if there ever was one!) for many years, and the stress of it took it's toll on me. Sometimes depressed, sometimes crabby or short with her, and with no initial intention to out myself, i started to see a counselor, one of who's specialties was sexual matters of all kinds, including family work. Please don't misunderstand, I wanted to learn how to better love myself, not to change who I am. Of course I quickly disclosed my CD nature to my counselor, and we met for several sessions, weekly. It became obvious that the stress of my secret, unfulfilled lifestyle, had led to my sometimes moody, dissatisfied behavior, and the more I could conform to my true self, the happier I (and presumably, my wife) would be.

My counselor suggested that my wife visit for a few sessions (our marriage has been short of optimal, of course), and she agreed. Thereafter, and in the honest context of making our marriage better, I had private, intimate conversations with her wherein I found that i had mustered up the courage to tell her, and the truth slowly and steadily "came out" of me!

I was very afraid of what i was doing, but, like you've described, I've been a hard-boiled self-made type, and discovered long ago that fear is not the absence of courage, but an essential element OF courage.

I think that because our recent thinking was oriented along the lines of making our marriage better due to our family counselor (who, incidentally is totally supportive of LGBTs), my wife has more readily accepted that my disclosure is a heart-felt expression of my love for her, and the fact that I'm with her for the long haul.

That's my story anyway, and of course each of our situations are uniquely personal. Maybe you can glean something useful from this. I hope so, dear.

Take care, and love yourself first and foremost,

Elfin

[Tanya J]

I understand where you are coming from but i do think that if you have a strong foundation you should find the right time to explain all of this to her. Your marriage will be better for it no matter how understanding she is, or is not, you will not be harboring something that makes you feel like you are cheating on your wife and this should help you to be a better husband. I struggled with this to and even though it is not something she likes or approves of we both love each other and know where the other stands on the subject. Marriage is not all about agreeing on all things it is more about trusting your partner to help you through the tough things in life, as you do for them